Darn it…I really meant to get on here and post on my Blogiversary but I forgot. 

It’s crazy to think about how far I’ve come in the two years since I started this blog.  I must admit, I did NOT EVEN REMOTELY COMPREHEND that I would be where I am today.  In fact, I probably would have laughed (or maybe cried in all honesty) hysterically at anyone who told me where I’d be today.

Never would I have guessed that I would still be childless.  Never would I have guess that I would be only JUST starting the adoption process.  Never would I have guessed that I would be only 4 months from graduating from nursing school. 

A lot has happened these last two years and yet also, a lot hasn’t happened. 

I do know one thing though and it is the most important thing of all.  God has given me a peace this year about our situation.  A peace I didn’t think was possible in the face of continuing infertility.  And that, above all else, has made my life bearable, and actually even happy and joyful at times!  So I just want to thank God for giving me this new career, a wonderful husband, amazing family and friends overflowing with support, and of course a deep hope that only comes from Him.  Without Him I would never have made it through these past 3.5 years.  I wouldn’t have made it past the first 6 months. 

I am so grateful for everything I have already learned and have yet to learn down the road.   I only want to be the person He wants me to be and if that involves suffering, then Lord, I will accept it and rejoice in it, no matter how much it hurts at times.

So Happy Belated Blogiversary to me.  I think the fact that I missed this milestone says more than I could ever say in words! 

God is truly good and I am nothing without Him!

Thank you everyone for all your comments and support.  As much as I debated really fighting this whole deal with the insurance, in the end I just really felt like God was telling me to let it go for now.  

But I am starting to think about maybe doing it over Spring Break like some of you suggested.  I think I could swing it time-wise, I’m just not sure if I will be at the right time in my cycle.  In looking at my charts, it’s possible it could work if I have longer cycles (something over 28 days) the next 2 cycles.  I do tend to have longer cycles occasionally, although of the last 4 cycles they were 25, 29, 28, and 26 days long.  So at the moment I am in a shorter cycle phase, but I wonder if I took progesterone during my LP these next two cycles if it would extend them a bit so the timing would work out.  I will talk to Linda at PPVI on Monday and see what she thinks?  Granted, I’m not sure Dr. Hilgers or Dr. Keefe will even have appointments available then anyway but I will still give it a try.  It would be nice to do it in February instead of waiting until May or June if at all possible.

In adoption news, we had our second orientation meeting last night.  It went well!  Mike and I stuck around after and talked to the two women about what they were thinking in regards to us.   I basically just asked them if they still had any concerns about our faith and if they had any questions for us.  They basically said that they had no concerns.  They completely trusted Tim and said they actually felt really bad about sending us the first letter but that they only had done that because they didn’t know us personally to vouch for our faith. 

I still think the whole thing was a bit sketchy (since we answered a bunch of questions about our faith in the application itself, apparently our words weren’t good enough since we also went to a Catholic Church…gasp) but since they reassured us that they had no more concerns I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  It’s in God’s hands and if He ultimately wants us to have a child, He’s already got one picked out for us so I’ll let Him work out the details!

If they decide to let us continue (which I have no reason to think they wont), then we should get a letter soon with information about starting the homestudy.  At that point we will have lots of work to do!  But at least I will feel like we are working towards bringing home our child! 

In other good news, I got my grades for my last semester and did very well!  Yay!  I also got my first choice for my preceptorship next semester!  I will be in the Pediatrics department of a pretty big area hospital.  I am very excited.  This will give me a lot more experience to know if pediatrics is what I want to do when I graduate.  The extra time (210 hours) spent on this unit will also allow me to hopefully make a good impression and give me a better chance at getting hired into this unit after I graduate.  So I was very happy about getting this assignment!  Even though God gave me some bad news this week, it was tempered with some good news too!  You know the whole doors closing windows opening stuff!  God is really faithful like that! 

Ok, I have a bunch of errands to run!  I am seriously loving having all this free time….ahhhh!  And tonight I get to go to a girls-only party at Soapchick’s place!  I can’t wait!  It will be very fun, I am sure!

Thanks again for all your encouragement.  It has truly meant so much!  I can’t imagine going through all this without all the support and information you so generously offer every time I post!  Have a Blessed afternoon and I will surely be keeping all of you in my prayers!

This time by my stupid insurance. 

They said “no way” to out of network coverage.  Apparently there was a misunderstanding between myself and my primary care provider who wrote the referral.  She assumed the doctor WAS in network.  In Omaha…really? 

Her office was willing to try to gather the necessary paperwork to file an appeal with the insurance company but um hello, now I have all of 3 business days until I am supposed to be IN Omaha.  Not to mention the time it will take the insurance company to go over all that info and again, come to a decision.  I just wish they taken a little more time earlier, like two weeks ago when I asked, to fully understand the situation and all the paperwork that was necessary for it to even have a chance of being approved.  Especially since I am positive I mentioned the whole situation about how he was out of network.  They just took the easy route and kept assuring me they had done everything they needed to do (yeah, if he was IN network) and now it is too late.  It would have taken me, them and about 10 other people jumping through 10,000 hoops the next 2 days and even then, I was doubtful it would be approved.  In the end I just felt like God was telling me to let it go, no matter how heartbroken I ended up feeling about it.

I tried to convince myself I was cool with it either way, but I must have been lying to myself because I am pretty bummed.  Merry Christmas to me!

UPDATE:

No problem!  I guess I should clarify.  Yes, this means the trip to Omaha is off.  We are switching insurance as of Jan 1 so we will be able to do it next year.  The only bummer is that because of school, I probably wont be able to do it until the summer.  I was really hoping to have a good 5-6 more months of TTC under Dr. Hilger’s care before officially completing our adoption homestudy and getting on the waiting list.  But now it looks like we will be doing both around the same time.  I just need to remember that God has the exact right child picked for us already so I needn’t worry.   It’s just hard in the moment.

So it is official!  I am DONE with school until January 5th!   I am on seriously on cloud nine!  I had my last exam on Friday morning and last night my classmates and I had a big holiday party to celebrate.  What a blast that was, especially knowing we had absolutely nothing hanging over our heads!  Yay!  I am now down to one last semester before I graduate.

In other exciting news, we had our first adoption orientation meeting last Thursday.  It was a group thing with about 4 other couples.  It went well but was mainly informational.  Mike and I felt a little odd about it (knowing how they feel about Catholics) but it was never brought up.  We have the second meeting this Thursday and we think we might stick around after to talk to them about it.  It sorta seems like the elephant in the room, ya know?  I’d rather just get it out in the open and maybe Mike and I can really show them that we are really not so different from them.  So if you think of it, be praying for us Thursday.  I’d like it to not be too awkward.  It would just be nice to have a verbal understanding and open respect for each other to start the whole process.

Also, I am currently working with PPVI to get my surgery and visit scheduled.  Well, actually it sort of already is scheduled.  It is scheduled for December 23 with Dr. Hilger’s himself.  And yes, that is a little over a week away!  Everything is all set with them except we are just waiting on an official approval from my health insurance. 

I am thinking we have a pretty good chance of being denied though (because PPVI is out of network and I have an HMO) so I will not be surprised if the whole thing falls through in the end.  But I am doing my best to have faith that God will work it all out.  He has so far.  I am just amazed we even were offered an appointment so quickly!  The timing with my cycle and their schedule was just perfect, so I hope that that alone is a sign that God meant for this to all work out.  So all I can do is pray and leave it in His hands.  If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be!  We should hear by early next week if it gets approved.  Then we will be scrambling to make our travel arrangements (flights and hotel).  Talk about waiting until the last minute…ha ha!  But it will be worth it!  We will actually end up being there from December 22 – December 28 if it works out.  It will be weird being away for Christmas but I think Mike and I would still manage to make the most of it and have a good time!

Pretty exciting huh?  A lot has happened the last few weeks but I was so buried in homework and studying I could never get on here and update you all!  I’m sorry I missed out on the prayer thing that SEW organized.  I would have loved to have participated, but know that I pray for all of you on a regular basis anyway! 

Ok, off to go read a book…a book for fun!  Yeah, I know, I can’t believe it either!

ok…scratch that last post.  Apparently we are now in.   I seriously could not make this stuff up!

So let me back up a bit to explain.  So this agency that we applied to has a board of directors.  The head of the board of directors, Tim, is also the director of the pregnancy center that Mike and I volunteer at.  So we are pretty good friends with Tim and he is one of the main reasons we applied to this agency to begin with. 

So Mike and I have been talking to Tim about adoption for the past year and Tim always said to let him know whenever we were ready to get going.  We did mention it to him a few weeks ago but hadn’t brought it up again since.  I think this is another reason why it was such a shock that we got rejected.  We knew that the agency usually brings each couple to the board for review before deciding on whether they are accepted or rejected.  Well, I don’t think they did that this time because the same day we got the letter from the agency, Mike also worked at the pregnancy center.  Mike said that he even mentioned the whole adoption thing to Tim again and that we had sent in our paperwork and everything but Tim knew nothing about it.  When Mike got home, that was when I told him we had been rejected so Mike decided to call Tim the next day (yesterday) about it.

As soon as Mike told Tim we got a rejection letter from his agency, Tim said “I’m going to call you right back.”  15 minutes later, Tim called back and said that we were “in” and that we’d get a new letter in the mail shortly.  An hour after that, I received a call from the social worker telling us about the next meeting we needed to attend (with no mention of our previous denial).

Crazy eh?

So obviously, I was happy we were in, but also a bit wary.  Tim told Mike that it probably did have to do with the whole Catholic thing but Tim also told Mike that particular policy had been personally changed by him when he got the head of the board job and that we should never have been rejected based on that reason.  It is about the heart of the couple and their beliefs, not the name on the door of the church they attend.

I guess my biggest fear with staying with the agency is that maybe they only typically gets Protestant clients who would never pick a Catholic couple?  I don’t want to be on a list that we would never get picked from, you know?  This is something we will ask Tim about and also at the meeting before we get too deep into it. 

So after talking with Mike and also with my sister about my concerns, we are still thinking that this agency will be the best for us.  I think it really helps having a personal relationship with the guy at the top of the agency.  If we go anywhere else, we will just be another couple with no personal connection to anyone.  Also, since they don’t seem to readily accept Catholic couples (and quite honestly, they may not get that many Catholic couples that even apply since there are Catholic adoption agencies around), if they ever do get a pregnant Catholic client, heck, we could very well be their only Catholic couple to choose from! 

There is also a money issue at stake here too.  Another reason we wanted this agency over the local Catholic agency is because this agency only requires $3000 to complete the homestudy and get on the waiting list.  The remaining money is due once you get a placement.  At the Catholic agency, it is $10,000 to complete the homestudy and get on the waiting list.  The total amount is basically the same, it is just how much is due up front. 

Because we are still pursuing NaPro Technology, there is a small bit of hope that we may get pregnant and we really would rather lose $3000 than $10,000, ya know? 

So that is what we are thinking.  Do you girls think I am crazy for sticking with this agency?  I mean, at this point we will go to the meeting and hear what the process is.  But I still may call the Catholic agency and see if one, they are even accepting people and two, maybe they have some sort of refund policy of some of that $10,000 if you end up not getting a placement.  It would just be another piece of info that will ultimately help us make a final decision. 

By the way, thanks for all the support you gave me after the rejection letter.  I admit that night I was definitely thrown for a loop and bit angry/frustrated about the rejection.  But God quickly reminded me (along with all of you) that He is STILL in complete control of this situation and He gave me a peace about it and kept me from having any hint of bitterness/annoyance towards the agency.   So I’m just going to keep trusting Him with this process.  Mike and I both know that He will show us if we are not meant to be at this agency.

So we got a letter back from the adoption agency we applied to.  The envelope was quite thin and I started having flashbacks to when I was waiting for college acceptance letters and heard that a thin envelope was never a good sign.

Yup, it was a bad sign.  We were rejected.  I guess they have too few children and too many people on the waiting list so they are only accepting people who attend a church that aligns doctrinally with them (not Catholic) and also supports them financially.

Hmmm….

I guess I understand they have to limit couples somehow but I am still disappointed obviously. 

I’m mostly disappointed that they decided to wait over a month to get back with us when our church is listed on the front page of the application.  It would have been common courtesy to let us know right away instead of making us sit around and wait…like I haven’t done enough waiting already….geesh people…cut me a break here!

Guess it is back to the drawing board.  We may likely go with the local Catholic agency after all.  We will start delving into that this weekend…and here I thought we were making progress.  Nope, back to square one…sigh!

Anyway…I start a new clinical tomorrow.   12 hours days every Tuesday and Wednesday for the next 4 weeks!  I think this time I will be a neuro unit.  I am guessing that is people with brain/spine injuries such as from an accident or stroke.  Should be interesting!

SEW mentioned a week or so ago about going to THIS blog and asking for her to pick you a patron saint for the year 2010.  I thought it sounded interesting and so I thought I’d give it a try.  Originally being from a protestant background I haven’t really asked for intercession from any saints.  But I admit that unlike before I became Catholic, I now understand the purpose of “praying” to the saints and I do like the idea of asking them to pray for you and especially the idea that if you really make the effort to learn about a particular saint’s life, you will probably learn something that will hopefully help you in your own life.

So…I went ahead and asked her to draw a Saint for me.  I guess she prays about it and then randomly draws out a saint’s name.

Well, when I went back to her website a few days later I saw that I had received my pick.  She chose Elisabeth Leseur, my new official patron saint for 2010.

So being that I have NO idea who this person even was, I checked out the ever faithful…Wikipedia, and here is what it had to say: (it is actually quite an interesting story!)

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“Elisabeth was born in Paris to a wealthy bourgeois French family of Corsican descent. She met Félix Leseur (1861–1950), also from an affluent, Catholic family in 1887. Shortly before they married on July 31, 1889, Elisabeth discovered that Félix was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Though he continued to practice medicine, Dr. Félix Leseur and soon became well known as the editor of an anti-clerical, atheistic newspaper in Paris. Despite his pledge to respect Elisabeth’s religious beliefs, as his hatred of the Catholic faith grew he soon began to question, undermine, and ridicule Elisabeth’s faith.

In his memoirs, Félix describes how his efforts to “enlighten” Elisabeth nearly succeeded. He had persuaded Elisabeth to read Ernest Renan’s Life of Jesus with the expectation that it would finally shatter her last remaining loyalties to Catholicism. Instead, he records that she was “struck by the poverty of substance” on which the arguments were based and was inspired to devote herself to her own religious education.

Soon, their home was filled with two libraries. One, a library devoted to the justifications of atheism and the second to the lives of the saints and the intellectual arguments in favor of Christ and Catholic Church. Félix was frustrated to discover that his challenges to her faith had actually led her to become not only more grounded in her beliefs, but more fervent and determined to become holy.

The couple’s religious differences became a burden on their relationship, especially for Elisabeth, who wrote in her journal of the “bitter suffering” she experienced at “hearing my faith and spiritual things mocked at, attacked and criticized” by her husband and their friends during their many evening gatherings. In addition to this strain, they were burdened with the inability to have children and Elisabeth was plagued with a constant battle of physical illnesses. As made explicit in her diaries, Elisabeth endured all of these sufferings with a firm conviction that “suffering is the highest form of action, the highest expression of the wonderful Communion of Saints, and that in suffering one is sure not to make mistakes (as in action, sometimes) — sure to be useful to others and to the great causes that one longs to serve.”

Two years before her death, Elisabeth and Felix were conversing about what each would do after the other had died, and at this point she insisted that “I am absolutely certain that when you return to God, you will not stop on the way because you never do things by halves…. You will some day become a priest.” To this he responded: “Elizabeth, you know my sentiments. I’ve sworn hatred of God, I shall live in the hatred and I shall die in it.”

During the last two years of her life, as she was dying of breast cancer, Félix could not help but be impressed by the depth of strength she drew from her spirituality: “When I saw how ill she was, and how she endured with equanimity of temper a complaint that generally provokes much hypochondria, impatience and ill-humor, I was struck to see how her soul had so great a command of itself and of her body; and knowing that she drew this tremendous strength from her convictions, I ceased to attack them.”

Following her death from cancer in 1914, Félix discovered in her papers a note directed to him: “In 1905, I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul. On the day that I die, the price will have been paid. Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband.”

Dr. Leseur dismissed this as the fancies of a pious woman. Nonetheless, he was also amazed to discover that Elisabeth’s spiritual efforts had included a huge number of correspondences with people from all walks of life of which he had previously been unaware. During her last few days, many of these unknown people had come to visit and a much larger throng had attended her wake prior to the funeral. So many that Félix was asked by one priest “who was this woman? We have never seen such a funeral before.”

Following the funeral, Félix decided to write a book against the miracles of Lourdes. Instead, when visiting Lourdes and looking upon a statue of Mary and reflecting on the “celestial beauty” of his wife’s soul he realized that “she had accepted her suffering and offered it…chiefly for my conversion.” In perceiving her life as an icon of Christ, who also suffered for his personal salvation, Felix’s confidence in atheism crumbled. He returned to the Catholic faith he had been taught as a child and began to diligently study his wife’s spiritual writings, which she had begun in 1899 until her death.

Félix subsequently published his wife’s journal, and in fall of 1919 became a Dominican novice. He was ordained in 1923 and spent much of his remaining twenty seven years publicly speaking about his wife’s spiritual writings. He was instrumental in opening the cause for Elisabeth’s beatification as a saint.

In reflecting on his wife’s life, Félix recalled that she once wrote a book of her younger sister the epigram “Every soul that uplifts itself uplifts the world.” Commenting on this, Félix added, “In that profound thought she defined herself.”

In the year 1924, Fulton J. Sheen, who would later become an arch-bishop and popular American television and radio figure, made a retreat under the direction of Fr. Leseur. During many hours of spiritual direction, Sheen learned of the life of Elisabeth and the conversion of Félix. Sheen subsequently repeated this conversion story in many of his presentations, in particular in regard to the role that spouses play in the sanctification of each other.

In commenting on the life of Elisabeth Leseur, Dr. Robin Mass says, “This was a life that completely changed another life — perhaps many lives — because it was willing to open itself fully to the possibility that in her and through her own pain and loss, God could do the loving.”

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Wow!  Talk about humbling!  If only I could strive to accept my own suffering as Elizabeth accepted hers…in order that God might perform some miracle in someone elses life!  Now that would be a blessing!

I think I will take this quote as my own this next year.  Instead of looking around for others to uplift me, I will do what I can to leave that to God and myself so hopefully I can make some sort of difference in this world!

Last Saturday I got a rare chance to spend a little time with my favorite kiddos!  I baby sat for my goddaughter JEM, and watched my two nephews play soccer!  It was a nice momentary escape from my sad life of studying around the clock!  Here’s a few pics!  I love all these guys so much (including my other nephew and niece I didn’t get a picture of this time!)

My nephews! Soccer Superstars!

My goddaughter JEM and her big sis!

 Aren’t they so cute!

BTW, I actually have a bit of a break this weekend.  I just finished two of my classes, OB and Pediatrics.  I ended up with a 3.8 in OB and a 3.9 in the Pediatrics…yay!  All my hard work paid off!  Monday I start on Med/Surg 2 (Adult Nursing 2).  I still have 2 weeks left of Peds clinical this coming week and next before moving on to the Med/Surg 2 clinical but the end is near. 

Did I mention that I am still loving Peds!  I swear, most of the kids are the sweetest!  I even got some baby cuddle time last Wednesday since the mom had to leave to take care of her other kids for a few hours!  Granted that will not happen as much when I am a full-time nurse with 4-5 patients per shift vs. a student nurse who only gets 1 patient!  But still, I think I will really enjoy it. 

I am officially halfway done with nursing school.  Only 6 more weeks left this semester, then 4 more months next year!  I CANNOT wait!

 I called PPVI last week and found out that they will be open over the holidays (well, all except Christmas Day and New Years Day, understandably).  So I am thinking this could really happen.  They are sending me the new patient paperwork and I will talk to them on Tuesday to see if I can get on the schedule.  Then all I have to do is call my primary care physician back to see if my out-of-network referral for Dr. Keefe was approved…keep those prayers a-coming!

So I got my letter from PPVI today! 

Unfortunately it wasn’t quite as revealing as I was hoping….but I was somewhat prepared for that based on the letter a fellow blogger, Lisa, also received from Dr. Hilgers recently.

It pretty much told me what he understood my problem to be from my history and previous doctor’s diagnoses:

Functionally abnormal cycles, unusual bleeding, premenstrual symptoms, type V luteal phase defect, a history of endometriosis, and a septate uterus.

Then he stated what he noticed from my charting and medical charts:

Markedly low post peak estrogen, low androgen levels, regular mucus cycles, premenstrual spotting, tail-end brown bleeding, intermenstrual bleeding and frequent “2W” observations.

He thinks these could all indicate possible:

hormonal dysfunction, ovulation defects, endometriosis, chronic inflammation of the cervix, and/or chronic low-grade endometrial infection.

As a result, he would like me to come to PPVI for 7-10 days and have the following tests performed:

Ultrasound series, diagnostic lap/hyst, selective HSG, and endometrial cultures.

Ok, like Lisa, I wasn’t expecting a diagnosis in the form of a letter, but I guess it would have been nice to get a tad more information…ya know?  I almost felt like it was a form letter where he checked the appropriate boxes for my situation.  I’m also bummed because I’ve had all this done before with the exception of the endometrial culture (and even that, M and I just finished antibiotics to treat for it anyway despite not having the actual culture done).  So after all that, Dr. Hilgers will then decide a course of treatment for me.  I guess that is the real gold of Dr. Hilgers, not just the diagnostic stuff.  It’s how he looks at it and treats for it, I guess!

However, he stated at the end of the letter that he is booking out 3-4 months for surgery but that if I wanted it sooner, I could contact them and see Cather.ine Ke.efe M.D. instead because she has been trained by Dr. Hilgers to perform the “same medical services.”   Do you guys think it would be a mistake to see her instead of waiting for Dr. Hilgers himself?  I mean, I would imagine they still consult each other with tough cases right?  So I would still get HIS knowledge even though she would be my main contact, right?

I am actually sorta thinking I may go ahead and try and have this all done in December with her instead of waiting until next May/June.  I made some calls and it is possible that my current insurance will pay for it although I will know more in a week or two.  If they do, it would be nice to get it done while I am off for Christmas break.  I get almost a month off from school.  It will only require me to be in Omaha for 7-10 days…so not too bad.  I just don’t know if my cycle will cooperate and have the right timing for the surgery/ultrasound series.  It’s not like I want to be in Omaha by myself over Christmas or anything.  Given that, I only have a good week or so of availability  (December 13-23).  So in order to have the ultrasound series done, I would need to have shortish (26 day) cycles the next two months which isn’t really that common for me.  If anything they will probably be longer than even 28 day cycles and then I will totally be off for doing it in December.

Oh well, I put all the calls into everyone I needed to (my primary care physician for a referral and PPVI to see what their schedule looks like) so I will leave it in God’s hands.  I know from past experience that I can’t force it if it’s not His will so I’m going to do what I can to make it happen but I’m not going to stress about it if it doesn’t.  In the meantime, now I am just waiting to hear back from the adoption agency to get all the paperwork in hand.  I figure it will be a few weeks at least so I still have some more time to kill busting my butt in school!   At least I have a distraction no matter how painful school is at the moment, ha ha!

Hope you are all having a great evening!

Yes, I know I’ve been completely awful about blogging lately, but I have a good excuse, I swear.  My life is pretty much hell right now with school and a wedding I was in last weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, the wedding itself wasn’t hell.  It  was actually quite lovely!  It was just that with the craziness of school on top of all the wedding festivities (which included a bachelorette party the weekend before involving me as the designated driver and the maid of honor puking her brains out and going to the ER…nough said), well that on top of a million killer exams and massive projects…well, that is why my life has been hell lately.

Hence…no timey, no blog posty!

But since I have a second…and yes, just a second and due to the fact that I am basically slap-happy with exhaustion at the moment, I wanted to update you on a few things. 

1.  No, I am not pregnant.  (I know…big surprise there eh?). 

2.  I just mailed in our initial adoption paperwork today.

3.  I still haven’t gotten my letter from Dr. Hilgers yet.  Although for a second there today I thought I had.  PPVI so kindly sent me a generic letter asking for a donation.  Dang – it!  I really got my  hopes up.  But I’m used to that so…

4.  I am into my pediatric rotation at the hospital and I wanted to seriously steal my assigned patient today.   He was 4 years old and had a smile that could melt any heart and he definitely melted mine!

5.  That’s it…no more.  Gotta head to bed!  Sorry for my lack of commenting lately.  I’m still praying though, as always!

Good night!