Fear
So I heard about the blog who lost their baby girl to SIDS recently. I went there and reading their story really broke my heart. I cannot imagine the pain of that loss. Especially since Ella is just about the same age as that precious girl.
It made me afraid. Afraid to go through what this poor family is going through. As I held Ella that night during her night feeding, I cried for that family and I prayed that God would somehow show them what different plan He had in store for them. I also prayed that God would keep Ella safe but that if something as terrible as that happened to us, that God would show me the reason. God allowed us to wait a long time for Ella. He has a really special plan for her life no matter how long or short it is. I hope it’s long…VERY long. Much longer than mine. But I also know that Ella is not mine, she is God’s and He is the one who determines our every breath, even hers.
I know it’s easy for me to say that, given that my sweet girl is still here. But in that moment in the dark, I meant it from the bottom of my heart when I told God that I knew Ella was His and that I trusted Him with her life. It hurt me to pray that and I cried even more afterwards, but I did mean it. Not that my saying it makes it any more or less true. She is God’s child no matter if I accept it or not. But I wanted God to know that the trust I had in Him when we were waiting is still there. It’s in a different form now, trusting Him with my daughter’s life and well being, but it’s there none-the-less. I didn’t give up my deep trust in Him just because He finally answered our prayers and I could breathe easy now. In fact, I have to trust Him even more because now there is a little person here who is more precious to me than I could ever imagine.
I guess this thought might seem obvious to most but it is what has been on my heart for the last week or so and I just thought I’d share it.
So…even though I have to let go of the fear and trust God to protect Ella (or my heart if he chose to take her early), I also still think it’s right to do the most I can to prevent that tragedy from happening (though I know it’s not always preventable, no matter what you do). So I saw a comment on this family’s blog that mentioned something called a Snu.za. It is a small little device that clips to your baby’s diaper that senses the movement of their tummies when they breath. It alarms if it does not sense movement for a certain length of time (20 seconds is the default setting but you can change it to something shorter). This alarm is something you can hear over an audio or video monitor since it does not come with it’s own separate monitor. I ordered one from Ama.zon that very night.
Last night was the first whole night I used it (I had been working the previous 3 nights) and it actually went off once (thankfully before we had gone to bed so we did not completely freak out). We rushed up to her room, silenced the alarm, made sure she was still breathing and readjusted it to make sure it was on her right. She didn’t even wake up with the alarm. She just went right on sleeping. It was quiet the rest of the night. I think we will have to get used to putting it on properly but it definitely put my mind at ease knowing it was on her. I figured that even if it gives me a false alarm here and there it is worth it and will help me sleep better.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this info because I think it is a pretty cool device and may give some others peace of mind as well. I had never heard of it before so I figured maybe some of you hadn’t either.
Goodness. I read that story, too, and was trembling with fear!
Yeah, I hadn’t heard of that one before, so thank you for sharing.
I’ve read that co-sleeping is the single greatest step you can take to prevent SIDS- contrary to popular opinion! It helps regulate their breathing b/c they model their breathing after yours. And in those moments when they “forget” to breath (as all humans do periodically during sleep) a movement you or your husband make stirring in your sleep jostles them and “reminds” them to breath again. I have found both to be true!
Fear can do CRAZY things to you and take you down paths you don’t want to go. It’s so hard to fight some times.
That is one of my biggest fears too for my future child. I remember when I was a kid, one of our neighbors lost their baby to SIDS – that was back in the 1970s. When I have a baby I am definitely going to get one of those Snuza things. Regarding your fear – I’ve definitely had thoughts about having a child versus not having one- that if I don’t have one I’ll never risk losing said child. I guess it comes down to the fact that love brings the risk of loss. Hugs my friend!
I think about that with the Feast of the Presentation (in the Rosary meditations) – God never gives us a gift so great we don’t have to be ready to give it up. (I’ve long thought it should be one of the sorrowful mysteries, since the bulk of the meditation is actually about Jesus’s impending death. Isn’t it kind of a gyp that there are really more like 4 Joyful and 6 Sorrowful mysteries? But I digress…) Obviously I don’t have kids, but I’ve realized it’s true with everyone in my life. They don’t really belong to me. It seems as though something about human love makes us need to possess the ones we love forever. I can fight it, but I can’t stop being inclined to do it. That device does sound like a great invention, though.
I have an unrelated question: at one point, I know, you shared your adoption album (is that the right name?). I don’t know whether you’re still willing to do that, but I have a friend who’s considering tranferring to domestic adoption and is sort of at sea with the album part of it. I think she really wanted to see an example of what someone else had done, but there don’t seem to be a lot out there. Would you be willing to share?
What is the blog you are referring to? I can’t find it.