Working on It

So M and I have gone to counseling a few times and things have definitely improved. I think I have identified some key things that tend to happen which brings us to this low place time after time and as much as I’d like to blame M for it all, I know I can’t. I truly think a lot of it could be prevented with my own actions in many cases.

So because I can’t change or control what M does (as much as I’d love to…ha ha), maybe I can minimize these occurrences/down cycles in the future by changing what I do instead of focusing on him all the time.

As we’ve been digging into it more, I am realizing that it is really my own feelings of insecurity that have been driving me to being so sensitive to some of the things M says or does. As much as I’d love it if M could be the one person who always builds me up and makes me feel amazing about myself, I am realizing that that is a lot to ask of one person. If I put that all on him, he’s bound to fail at some point since he is human after all!

So I am really going to work on getting my self-esteem out of the gutter it is currently in. I realize that many many things have affected my self-esteem, as they do most women, such as…media expectations (airbrushed bodies), societal expectations (children are the norm), etc… But the more I let those things affect me and bring me down, the more depressed I get and the less I care about myself enough to make good choices for my life. So in order to get back to a good place, I am going to start making choices that reflect that I do care about myself.

My first goal of things to change is my eating habits! This week I started eating much healthier. I am not doing this for anyone else, I am doing this for me! The last few months when I started feeling worse and worse about myself, I had been eating pretty much anything and everything that I wanted. Unfortunately, my body was really starting to reflect my poor choices. This in turn made me feel even worse about myself which made me want to eat even more to make myself feel better…not a good cycle to be in!

So now, looking back, I am trying to recognize that when eating to feel better about myself, I only felt better WHILE I was eating it. Many times when I would look back at what I ate that day I would be disappointed in myself and would often feel even worse! The disappointment was that I was letting the desire for food control me, instead of me controlling the desire!

I know this is not rocket science to anyone else because this is a very common problem in our society! But for me, I just needed to identify it in my own life before things got out of hand.

So I’m going to try and get my body back to where I like it to be. Just being in the process of getting there is making me feel better about myself! I’m trying to remind myself each day that by NOT choosing to eat something I know is totally unhealthy (or unhealthy portions of something healthy) I can try and get those same feelings of satisfaction! There’s something about making a choice and sticking to it that gives you the feeling of control back that is so satisfying.

And I wont measure my progress with the scale…it’s more about being healthy and making good choices! I think that will do far more to help my self-esteem than any compliment from my husband ever could!

In the meantime, M and I are still going to continue with counseling to keep working on our relationship. M is even going to go see a male counselor for a few sessions to get some advice from a male perspective. I am hopeful that this will be a good experience for him and will help him with the things he struggles with.

But for me, for now, I can only focus on myself and what I can do to make my life the best it can be despite my circumstances with regards to having children! I really am looking forward to everything new that is coming my way and am hopeful that this is just the beginning of a new, happier path in my life!