Made my Appointment

So it’s official.  I have an official appointment with my NaPro doctor!  It is for March 4.  Yay!  I am looking forward to it I guess, however, I am far from convinced that seeing this doctor will do anything for me.  But because I do have a tiny bit of hope that he could help, I’m willing to just go with it for now!  So it is a little exciting.

The only really crappy part of this is that I have to do the whole medical record release song and dance with every place I’ve ever been treated for infertility.  It really sucks.  I hate this part.  I’ve done it before and at that time I realized I never wanted to do it again and yet here I am…doing it again.

I have 2 OB/GYN’s, 1 RE, and 1 hospital.  Of course, my husband has to sign releases for two of those places too, because he provided a sample for analysis.  That is 6 medical release forms….grrr!  Not to mention, I think I’m going to get charged for a few of them since this is not the first time I’ve requested them. 

Oh well, once it’s over I will be glad I did it.  Not like I have much else to do at work anyway! 

By the way, things with my job situation and getting a lay-off are not looking too good at the moment (and remember, I actually WANT to get laid off now).  Apparently, my boss’s boss feels the need to find a purely objective reason for letting me go instead of someone else.  I guess they don’t want me to come back in a few years and try and sue them for lay-ing me off for the wrong reasons….

Helloooo McFly….I’m sitting here asking you to lay me off!  If you do this for me, it will help me out..a LOT!  WHY on earth would I ever come back and sue you?  Just give me a paper to sign to assure you that wont happen.  I will sign it in a heartbeat. 

So basically, because I’ve been a good employee and have a lot of skills they value, they very well could not be able to find an ethical reason to lay me off.  I seriously don’t get it. 

But thankfully, not all hope is lost, he did say he would continue looking into it to see if they could find a way to make it work.  All I can do is keep praying!  God has taken care of me up to this point.  There’s no reason to believe He will stop now!

Dreaming

So the other night, I was laying in bed and I was just thinking, well dreaming really…

What if I used my infertility to do something that no one else with kids would ever be able to do?  Something that not even normal, fiscally responsible types would do?  If M and I could do anything we wanted without worrying about good school districts or saving for college educations….what would it be?

It’s fun to dream like that sometimes, even if you don’t think it would ever actually happen. 

Do you guys ever watch H.ouse Hun.ters on HG.TV?  Well, they now have a show called Hou.se Hunt.ers Internati.onal where they feature a couple that is looking to buy a home in another country.  They had a marathon of episodes on a month or so ago and I was totally sucked in. 

One of the couples lived in Texas somewhere and had an international-type business that they could run from anywhere in the world.  So they decided that they wanted to sell their home and move to Belize where they could live everyday in a tropical paradise and yet still conduct their business as usual.  They ended up buying this AMAZING home with a beautiful view of the ocean and it just look surreal.

I thought…wow! 

So as I lay in bed the other night, I couldn’t help but dream out loud, M and I talked about doing crazy, but wonderful things.  Granted it was all wishful thinking but it was fun to think through various scenarios…

What if…

We rented out our home here for 6 months, or a year, and rented an inexpensive home/condo somewhere tropical/scenic.  Once I have my nursing degree, really I could get a job anywhere!    Travel nurses make pretty good money!  I could work 3 days a week somewhere and we could just live cheaply and enjoy nature by hiking/exploring and whatnot.  Mike would take a leave of absence from work and he could pursue whatever he wanted, be it a random job for fun or just hobbies.

Or we could just do it for 3 month stretches and spend time all over the country/world.  (Ok, maybe a U.S. RN’s license doesn’t “work” all over the world so maybe we’d have to stick to those that would accept it.)

So even though this is all just a pipe-dream, it really made me think about how I need to look at my infertility a different way.  Instead of thinking about only the closed door and how I can work around it on either side, I need to look for the open window that may just happen to be on the opposite side of the house.  Does that make sense?

Maybe I need to stop for a minute and think about what can I do with my life now (even beyond just changing careers), that I wont be able to do once we adopt a child and settle into the everyday life of a family.  What would be an amazing, wonderful opportunity, even if it’s not the most financially responsible choice out there?  Hmmmm….it’s fun to dream!

At least it makes the thought of waiting a little more exciting and a little less painful! 

What are some of your dreams?

Tagged – Honest Scrap Award

Ok, so I had a really rough weekend last weekend.  Despite having successfully completed my PCT training (thank God I made it), I did not get to revel in my nothing-to-do-edness.  Instead, I literally stayed in bed all day Saturday, only getting up once or twice to visit the porcelain god.  (And no…it was not from drinking to much, just the good old stomach flu)  Also, due to my PCT training my marriage is in need of a major overhaul.  Thank goodness I get to see my counselor tomorrow.  I need help!

So to kill the time until then, where I hope to get a better grip on reality, I will gratefully accept the honor of being tagged by my spunky friend and fellow blogger, Emily, for the Honest Scrap award.

 

So here are the rules:

• Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
• Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
• List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Ok, here are 10 honest things about myself:

1.  I’ve had work done…Yes, that means I’ve had plastic surgery.  However I am soooooooo happy I had it done.  Growing up I had a huge self-confidence problem because of my nose.  After college, after I started working, after I bought a house, I thought, “what the hell, I earned the money for it, if I want it I should just do it.”  And let me tell you, I am so happy I did it.  I never even think about my nose anymore and I love that!   

2.  I had a BFF growing up (although we just called each other “Best Friends” at the time).  We were inseparable from 3rd grade through 12th grade.  We went on vacations together, we did EVERYTHING together.  Unfortunately once we went away to college we grew apart.  She still lives really close by but we rarely even talk.   This makes me sad.

(hmmmm….this is actually very hard…7 more…yikes!)

3.  Sometimes I pray and tell God that I’m ok withwhenever he decides to ”take me home.”  Not in a suicidal sort of way, but I’m just fine with the idea of going to be with him.  I suppose this could change if/when I have children because I wouldn’t want to leave them behind.  I also have never personally been faced with death, so maybe this is just a very naive attitude to have.  However, for now, that’s where I am. 

4.  Ok, so how about something less deep:  When I was younger I had a VERY active imagination.  I imagined all sorts of scenarios in my head many nights before I would fall sleep.  Most involved me and a crush-of-the-day guy.  But before you go thinking I had a dirty mind and all, please know my imaginations were of the totally innocent variety.  I think that’s why I’m still such a sucker for romance.  However, I think that gets me in trouble too because a lot of times when I’m expect prince charming, sometimes I just get a frog instead and it’s very disappointing!

5.  When I was in elementary school, I had a really hard time getting good grades.  Looking back, I realized that I was really just lazy and didn’t want to work hard.  Once I started working harder in high school I got all A’s easily.  Then when I got to college I went back to lazy and hard again.  Now that I’m in college for the second time, I’m again finding it fairly easy.  Hopefully I wont be eating my words in a few months!

6.  Ok, I have to wrap these up so how about 5 quick things.  I love reading and my new rediscovery of the library has been a godsend.  Like Emily, I tend to like the romance/mystery genre rather than the good old literary types.  If a book is hard to read, I just wont read it.  I have to be sucked in!

7.  I used to never work out…ever.  I played sports, but when I wasn’t in a sport, I never did anything on the side.  This has come back to haunt me since now I still hate working out.  Basically, I’m just lazy.  I’d much rather be parked in front of a tv all day than working out.  Now ask me to play basketball with you and I’d do it in a heartbeat.  Sports, I love, just working out, I hate…

8.  I totally knew my hubby was going to propose when he did.  For one, I was sorta snooping and saw his charge card statement with a rather large charge on it.  But mostly because he is such a bad liar and pretty much gave it away.  Because I knew, I even managed to change the lunch restaurant choice that day from Jimmy John’s (a Subway type place) to our favorite sit-down restaurant because I thought, there’s no way I want Jimmy John’s to be a part of our proposal story.  My husband’s defense?   He just really likes Jimmy John’s….sigh!

9.  Sometimes I think we shouldn’t adopt a child.  I feel like our marriage isn’t strong enough and maybe we are both just too selfish.  But then again, I think maybe that will force us to give up more of our own selfish desires just because we love another person that much.

10.  Even though I complain about my husband and our marriage, it makes me cry to think about him not being in my life, I love him so much.

Ok, now I have to pick 10 people:

…and not by sight
A Complicated Life
Accepting God’s Will 2009
All You Who Hope
He has Looked with Favor on His Lowly Handmaid
Percolating Petals
Sew Infertile
This Cross I Embrace
Waiting for Baby Blondie
The Quest for Baby Agosti

These blogs are all written by amazing women who have each inspired me to be a better person in various ways.  I look forward to learning more about each one of them!

Onto NaPro

So today is CD1.  Actually, I already knew my chances were over this month though since I took a HPT test yesterday.  Or was it the day before?…I can’t remember!  My days have been running together since starting clinicals. 

Ok, back to my point.  I had to take a HPT because I’ve been using Prochieve during my luteal phase the past two months.  Using it has basically eliminated all premenstrual spotting for me.  However, since it can also prolong your cycles, I have to take a HPT each month to make sure I’m not pregnant so I can stop taking it and allow my cycle to end on its own.

Even though seeing the BFN was still a little disappointing, I was surprisingly ok with it.  It wasn’t the crushing blow it has been in the past.  At least now I officially have my 2 months of Creighton charting done and will be calling to schedule an appointment with the new NaPro doctor soon.   Yay!!!!

I’m still a little apprehensive though.  I have a feeling he’s not going to be able to figure me out, since I have already baffled a few people with my particular case.  My charts are practically perfect, I’ve been on Metformin for a year or so, my tubes are fine, we had a great post-coi.tal, M’s analysis was excellent, I’ve tried Clomid for 5 months, and I’ve had surgery to correct everything else and yet still not even a hint of a BFP….hmmmm…

It will be 3 full years of trying coming up soon.  I realize this doesn’t seem like long compared to some, but it is still a very long time to have never had a BFP…like ever.  Did you know that the medical term for a women who has never been pregnant…ever…is “nulligravida?”  Isn’t that sort of depressing?  It looks like the word “grave?” 

See, I was looking up some fertility stuff online and they mentioned how gravidity is a factor in a women’s chances of conceiving in the future.  I had to look it up since I didn’t even know what that meant.  The studies have bascially shown that the chances of a women getting pregnant has a lot to do with whether they’ve ever been pregnant before…even if previous pregnancies ended in miscarriage.  Let’s just say that I do NOT have gravidity in my favor!  The longer I go with no pregnancy, it seems like  my chances of having it ever happen get smaller and smaller.

What’s even more depressing (not that I’m actually depressed at the moment mind you) is that another term, “elderly primigravida” is a women pregnant with her first child who is at least 35 years old.  What they heck?… elderly…are they serious?  So I guess I am well on my way to meeting that condition too? 

However, I guess if I do someday become elderly primigravida, I guess I wont care what the heck they call me, since it would mean I was, in fact, pregnant!  How’s that for looking on the bright side! 

Sigh…but really, I am doing just fine!  Again, the whole school thing, and at the moment this PCT thing, is really doing wonders for my spirit.   It has helped immensely having something else to focus on for the time being. 

Now if only my marriage were on an up-cycle instead of this depressing down-cycle!

Anyway with that, I must get back to work so I can finish working and head off to working somewhere else!   Let’s just say I’m glad it’s Friday!  Five 13 hour days in a row are really not that fun!

Sorry for such a disjointed post!

Happy Weekend Everyone!

Learning a Lot

So last night turned out awesome!  I am going to LOVE this job! 

I only had 2 patients last night but one of them was pretty sick.  She was very old and had a really high fever although they didn’t know why.  Her husband and family showed up and they were just so sweet!  Since my other patient didn’t need that much help, I was able to spend some more time helping her and chatting with the family and I loved it. 

The husband, who was also pretty old, was totally making me laugh!  He kept saying what a feisty, pain-in-the-ass, his wife was…LOL!  But you could totally tell he was smitten with her, it was just too cute!  And the best part was that I know I made a difference for him.  See, when he first arrived at the hospital to see his wife, he was quite visibly upset and actually started to break down and cry when I first went into the room.   But by the end of the evening he was smiling, laughing and joking.  He kept stopping me in the hall to chat and kept thanking me for all my help.  It was awesome!

The family even asked me if I would be assigned to her the next day too. I told them I wasn’t sure yet.  They said they really really hoped it would be me again!  Isn’t that the sweetest thing.  Especially since I barely even know what I’m doing!

My instructor was telling us that most times, the families’ impression of the hospital stay is like 95% contributed to how nice the nurses are…not necessarily what quality of actual medical care they get.  I will definitely keep that in mind!

I hope tonight goes just as well!  I know not all patients and families will be so nice!  But I will enjoy it when it comes!

-by the way, I had to deal with some nooks and crannies yesterday and it wasn’t bad at all.  Thankfully, I only had to deal with #1 yesterday.  #2 may be harder, but at least I’m easing into everything slowly!

2 down – 8 to go!

Well, I survived my first two days of clinicals for my PCT training.  Yay!

The first day I was so incredibly nervous.  I was literally nauseousas I was getting ready to head over to the hospital.  Thankfully, the first day was mostly administration type stuff.  We did some paperwork and then were shown around the unit and met some of the people we’d be working with the next two weeks.

Yesterday we spent the whole shift shadowing a current PCT on the unit.  Each group had two students shadowing one PCT.   My PCT was pretty good, however all the patients she was assigned were doing really well.  There wasn’t really much to do besides the absolute basics…vitals, recording how much they ate/drank, and checking blood sugar levels on the diabetic patients.  It sorta made the night drag a bit so that was my only big complaint.

I guess it’s good, in a way, so we could ease into everything, but starting today we get assigned two patients of our own.  Yikes!  After we all finished up yesterday I was hearing other students talk about what they had done with their PCT.  Seems like most of them had a lot more excitement/learning out of the evening.  Now watch, I’m going to get assigned patients who need a LOT of care and I wont know what to do….argh! 

It’s not like I’ll be without help though (for the safety of the patient).  Our instructor will be around to help if we have to do something we haven’t done before.  Also, the PCT who would normally have these patients will be around too.    So I know I’ll be ok, but it just would have been nice to practice a few more things yesterday when we had the chance.

Overall, the good news is that I learned that at this hospital, PCT’s don’t do catheters…whew!  No nooks and crannies there!   Looks like I wont need to practice this skill until I am in actual nursing school.

Some other good news is that bed baths are done during the day shift, so we will not be doing that either since we are on afternoons only….whew!  Again, no nooks and crannies!   However, this could also be seen as bad news, considering that I wont get any practice doing bed baths during my clinicals.  So if I ever work a day shift once I get hired as a PCT then I wont have had ANY practice…sigh!  After working in the same place for 10 years, it’s so hard to be back at the bottom of the learning curve again. 

Oh well, I suppose there could be worse things!  It’s sorta like trial by fire in this situation…however since you ALWAYS have people backing you up and helping out it definitely takes the pressure off.  I know that someone would teach me how to do something if I needed to do it for the first time!

Maybe I’ll just practice giving a bed bath on my husband instead…ha ha!  He’d love it!  But still, it’s just not the same as doing it on a stranger where it is more uncomfortable and yet you cannot act uncomfortable while doing it!!

Ok, I’ll try and be back tomorrow or Friday with more updates! 

Only 8 more (working) days until I’m officially done with training!

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Nervous? Scared? No, Terrified!

Yup, I’m terrified!  I start clinicals this afternoon for my Patient Care Technician (PCT) training.  Holy – Crap!

Ok, so maybe today wont be so bad since we have to do some initial organizational type stuff like getting our badges and being shown around the unit we will be working on.  I’m not sure if we’ll actually get to an patient care activities…but it’s possible!  Hence, why I’m terrified!

Here’s some of the things I may have to do the next few weeks:

1.  Change Linens of an empty bed - no problems here!

2.  Change Linens of an occupied bed – a little tougher, but still pretty easy. 

3.  Feed someone – a little uncomfortable maybe, but not too bad.

4.  Take vitals – Shouldn’t be too hard…oh crap, I forgot my watch…I need a second hand!  Guess I’ll be making a stop at the drugstore on my way to buy a cheapie…sigh!

5.  Provide a bed bath – ok, this is getting scary folks!

6.  Clean someone up who’s had an accident meaning up close and personal with ALL nooks and crannies! – really really scary!

7.  Inserting a catheter – this is downright terrifying.  Not only am I up close and personal with nooks and crannies, I will have a very good chance of inflicting pain on someone I’m supposed to be trying to help feel better….argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, now that I’ve thoroughly freaked myself out! 

You have to understand, I am not normally a touchy-feely person.  I have worked for the last 10-12 years in a professional/hands-off atmosphere.  No one in this profession touches each other…well, except for a handshake or two.  But seriously, I am not used to touching strangers at all, let alone being up close and personal with their nooks and crannies !   

In the first three weeks of our training, we had to practice a few things on our classmates.  Obviously, we never did everything full out, we just simulated the steps that we would normally follow.  This required rolling “patients” over in their beds which required touching. We practiced range of motion exercises which required touching.  Even though it was just for practice and everyone was fully clothed, it was still kinda weird. 

I know I will get used to the touching thing quickly but these first couple days are still going to be terrifying!  I’m not grossed out by the thought or anything, it’s just not what I’m used to.  I know I have to just keep in mind that these patients are not just patients, they are people, with feelings, who are sick, and who want to get better.  Everything I do, even if it’s uncomfortable for me (and probably for them too), is important to help them do that as quickly as possible.  Maybe if I keep that mindset, it wont be quite so scary!

Another good thing that I like to think about, is how happy I am to be getting this initial scary part out of the way now, when I don’t have a grade on the line.  Once I start clinicals in nursing school, I will be under a lot more pressure to get high marks on my evaluations.  If I score poorly then, it will affect my GPA!  

So getting going on this now is truly a blessing!  Heck, by the time I officially start school, I will be a pro at this basic stuff…

Ok, maybe I wont be a pro yet, but at least I wont be terrified!!!