Please More Spirit

Well, thanks to all who comment the past few days since my hormone rant.  It makes me feel better that I am not alone in this misery.  Not that I would wish it on anyone but at least I’m not completely in left field on this one.  If only this pms/hormonal cycle thing could result in a baby, I swear, it would be worth it and I would NEVER complain again.  Ok, maybe that’s a stretch but it would be nice to have these 30+ years be for a reason!

Unfortunately, my “mood” has not completely passed yet.  It’s not like I’ve been freaking out all day every day or anything.  It’s just that when things are not going just right, I start feeling completely overwhelmed.

So I guess the key to surviving pms, for me anyway, is avoiding any situation where something may go wrong!  Piece of cake right?

Ok, so for real, obviously that is not possible, hence why I have felt great at times the past few days and times I’ve felt like someone with a serious mental instability…in other words, completely nutz.

I saw one or two of you mentioned low progesterone as a possible cause of pms.  However, I seriously think it is the opposite for me.  I get the worst pms about a week before my period is expected.  That is when my progesterone should be the highest.  This is also when I usually take a progesterone supplement.  I know my progesterone is on the high side right now because my boobs are hurting.  When I don’t take progesterone, they rarely ever hurt. 

I have also been taking B-complex the whole month now, so unfortunately that doesn’t seem to help either.  I guess I just need to have a little bit more self-control when it comes to my emotions. 

The thing most affected by my pms is my relationship with M.  He gets so irritated with me when I’m like this.  He feels like I set out to pick fights with him.  I seriously don’t mean to, and I don’t think the things we “fight” about are completely unreasonable. I just think I’m not nearly as easy going about his antics as I am the rest of the month. 

So because I am slightly less tolerant of him during “that time”, then all of sudden it is all my fault.  I think I should be considered a saint for putting up with him so easily the entire rest of the month, not penalized for when I don’t/can’t…sigh!

We actually had a “discussion” about this last night.  I just told him that I would really appreciate it if he could just cut me a break when I’m feeling like this.  99% of the time when I get like that, I just need a hug and a little reassurance that everything’s going to be ok.  However, his method of dealing with me usually involves him getting defensive which leads to him pointing out how b__chy I am acting…you can imagine how well that goes over.

But I know I can’t put all the blame on him.  I also need to do my part at controlling myself during those times.  The biggest thing I know I can do is to SHUT MY MOUTH.  Just.stop.talking.  PMS causes major diarrhea of the mouth for me and I just keep talking and stressing my point, because geez, I know I’m right!!!  I want him to admit I’m right too!  So I will try and just remember that my mood is probably affecting my logic so I need to just pick my battles and let go of the things that aren’t important. 

For him, he decided he wants me to let him knowwhen it’s my emotional time of the month so he can do his best to react differently.   I can do that, but there is certainly the part of me that wishes he knew me enough to just be able to tell, but I guess that’s why marriage is not perfect right from the beginning, right?  That’s why it takes couples many years to learn all the emotional intricacies of your spouse.  I guess that sort of improvement is something special to look forward to at least.  I imagine after we’ve been married for 50-60 years, we will know each other like the back of our hand.  Granted, I certainly wont be pms-ing then anymore either…ahh, I can’t wait for that day!

In the meantime, I just need to make it through the next few days!  Beth Moore wrote on her blog a while back about how pms could also stand for “please more spirit.”  Because that is the best way women can handle pms with the love and grace that God would want us to.  Now I just need to start practicing that a little more.  Guess now is the perfect time!

Hormones…I hate them!

 O…my….gosh!

I am pms-ing like you would not believe today!  I have run the gamut of emotions already today and it’s only 11:00.  I’ve been raging mad one second and crying the next.  A few minutes ago I wanted to chuck my cell phone through a window. 

Is it possible to be 32 years old and still be fighting the urge to throw a full blown temper tantrum.  If I could have gotten away with it, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs, banged my fists on my desks and maybe even have thrown in a good stomp of my foot for good measure….sigh!

God be with anyone who crosses my path today…seriously!

I HATE HORMONES!

In a good place…for now

So I’ve been reading some of your blogs today and I am feeling so sad for some of you.  I can remember that frustration like it was yesterday, and in a way, when I read your posts, I live that frustration all over again.

I truly wish there was something I could do to magically fix all of us or at the very least to make some of you feel even a tiny bit better.  I know your guys’ encouragement on my bad days helped immensely.  I hope I can offer the same in return.  Just know that I pray for you all regularly.  Despite having never met most of you, I still feel like we are all in this together.  I want answered prayers for you, just as much as I want them for myself.

Amazingly, I am actually in a pretty good place right now.  The news of starting nursing school early has given me a huge boost in my life.  Not that I’m running around with a stupid grin all the time or shouting from the rooftops (that will come when I do finally get pregnant)…but there is something inside me that is just starting to bubble with unguarded excitement.  It is something I haven’t felt in a long time.  Even the excitement from a new infertility drug or treatment was still always guarded.  I never wanted to get my hopes up too much.

But now, in just a few short months, my life is going to change drastically.   I will finally be moving on instead of feeling stuck, like I have for the last 3-ish years.  And this is not a “maybe it will happen” sort of thing, like pregnancy has always been. 

It . is . going . to . happen! 

It feels really good to be able to say that! 

And even though I know it’s going to be pure hell for awhile (from what I’ve heard anyway), just the fact that it’s something totally new and something I’ve been working towards for so long, makes me able to forget about the work part…for now anyways. 

So in light of that, I ended up having a really great birthday yesterday which was quite unlike my birthdays of the last few years.  I admit, there were still a few moments where I felt a twinge of sadness when I realized I was 32 years old and still not a mother.  But it wasn’t paired with the all encompassing sadness that has been the norm these past few years. 

And even though I know this good place feeling will not last forever, I am going to  just try and enjoy it for what it is for awhile. 

In the meantime, it does not mean I have forgotten about those of you who are still hurting.  I hope and pray that someday very very soon you will find your own good place to stay for awhile.

Better…I guess

Thank you all for your comments yesterday.  Actually a few of you were right on. 

One of the nurses at my doctor’s office called me today.   Apparently taking 750mg of Metformin XR, is sort of like taking 750mg throughout the day.  The level in your system should stay relatively constant.  So they suggested taking 500mg of regular (not XR) Metformin twice a day WITH meals, could help the problem.

However, she suggested that maybe I keep taking the 750mg XR the next few days with my dinner (instead of just before bed) to see if maybe taking it with a meal helped.  So as much as I dread taking it again, I will give it a try.  But I do not have high hopes.

Also, I think I do have a cyst because I have had massive pain today.  Barely tolerable…ugh!  Let’s just say the heating pad is my BFF today! 

Until tomorrow…

Metformin Misery

So sometime last fall, I started feeling sick to my stomach regularly.  The longer it went on, the more I realized it was a very similar feeling I had when I increased my dosage of Metformin to 1000mg per day way back in August of 2007. 

When I first start on Metformin in May of 2007, I took 500mg per day and was totally fine.  But when I increased to 1000 mg per day (500 in the morning/500 at night) a few months later, the side effects kicked in big time.  I had nausea all day long, upset stomach, bathroom issues…etc.  My RE suggested I cut back to 500 mg per day and the side effects went away.  In February my new OB/GYN recommended trying 750mg per day.  Thankfully, I handled that just fine and have been on that ever since…until last November. 

Right after my annual OB/GYN visit (of course), all the side effects started coming back…ugh!  I tried to figure out if I’d changed anything else in my life but I couldn’t pinpoint anything. So why all of a sudden the change?

So starting sometime in December, I got so fed up with feeling sick all the time that I stopped taking Metformin all together (since I only have 750 mg pills and couldn’t try just cutting back).  Immediately I felt better…whew!

So I didn’t take it for probably a month.  Well, a few weeks ago, I started noticing some twingy-type pains on my right side.  I notice it every now and then but I also notice it during int.ercourse.  It is exactly the same type of twinges I have gotten in the past when I’ve had an ovarian cyst.  

So then I started thinking that maybe I got a cyst because I stopped taking the Metformin.  It just seemed WAY too coincidental.  Especially because I haven’t felt like I’ve had a cyst in a long time.  Possibly before I started on Metformin…sigh.

So now I’m torn.  Do I keep taking the Metformin and continue feeling like crap.  Or do I quit and potentially hurt our chances of conceiving and possibly my health?  The reason why I want to quit is also because none of my bloodwork ever came back showing I was insulin resistant.  So really, I don’t NEED metformin to control my glucose.  My doctor just has said that it can help in patients with PCOS, even if their fasting glucose test comes back normal. 

It is a really tough decision…I guess I should at least call my doctor and see what he thinks.  I just hate bothering him…sigh!  I wish I could just be normal for a change.  I really hate my body sometimes. 

I’m turning 32 in two days and between my infertility, my constant sick feelings, and my neck/back pain, I feel like I should be turning 102 instead!

Happy almost birthday to me…

Relaxing Day

Well, I woke up this morning and decided that today would be a great day to take off of work.  Considering the wind chill was -25 degrees where I live, the thought of trudging outside to get there was not appealing.  What WAS appealing, was the thought of giving my neck/back a break for the next 4 days (we get MLK day off as a holiday).  That thought sealed the deal for me so I e-mailed my boss this morning to let him know I wasn’t coming in!   Yay!

So after that, I ended up getting up anyway (even though I could have easily fallen back asleep), making a small pot of coffee and had a very leisurely morning…ahhhh!  I could get used to this! 

I still have my PCT (patient care technician) training tonight but at least I get to enjoy the day before I have to get to work again!  The training is going ok so far.  Our instructor is not that great.  She is not very thorough in her teaching of the chapters.  She spends tons of time on one little, often unimportant section and then skips other sections altogether…grrr!  It is annoying.   I’m paying how much for this training?  A lot, therefore, I want my money’s worth!  If I can learn it just as well by reading a book all by myself then why do I need to pay someone to teach me?

Thankfully, we had a substitute instructor yesterday (and will have her again today) who was light-years better than the main instructor.  I got sooooo much out of our class yesterday.  I wish she would stay the whole time!  Luckily for me though, she will be my clinical instructor the last two weeks of the training.  She is AWESOME and I feel better knowing I will be learning from her during the most critical time in the training program! 

Onto another topic, I am going to get my hair cut today…yay!  I love getting my hair cut.  Right now my hair is semi-long with no bangs but face framing layers that I swoop to the side.  I’m thinking about getting bangs but that’s a big change for me.  Well, I better decide quick since I have to leave in 30 minutes.  Knowing me, I will chicken out at the last minute.  

Hope you all have a great day and a wonderful weekend!

Pain in the Neck

So for almost a year now, I’ve been suffering from upper back/neck pain…ugh!  I feel like an old lady even saying that…sigh!   The neck pain isn’t even the worst part, it’s the headaches that result from it.  They are not your average everyday headaches.  They are the “blinding pain I cannot move without feeling like my head may explode” kind of headaches.  The “God help anyone who comes near me” kind.

I am beginning to think it is 95% due to the fact that I have to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, every day.   I try really hard to have good posture when I am working but it doesn’t seem to help.  I’ve tried moving my computer to a different part of my desk.  I’ve tried using a different chair.  That does not seem to have helped. 

Last summer I tried going to a chiropractor and I did feel better,  however I only felt better for a few days and then the pain would come back.  If I had an unlimited supply of money, heck, I’d keep going.  But since I don’t, it was hard to justify paying $30 per visit when each visit lasted all of 5 minutes.

Since I stopped going to the chiropractor, I have my husband gently crack my back.  It does seem to help but the results just don’t last and my husband is getting sick of me asking him to do it every night.

So does anyone have any suggestions?  I’ve tried Advil, heating pads, stretching every few minutes, muscle strength exercises and occasional massages. 

I’m hoping that once I start nursing, and get away from the desk job, that the neck pain will go away.  Mostly because I noticed that my neck did not bother me nearly as much during my 2.5 week break from work over the holidays.  I realize that being on my feet all day as a nurse will probably bring about its own set of issues, but for now I’m just looking forward to getting rid of this current pain in the neck…literally!

What is this?…LESS waiting?

So I have some exciting news (again, no, I’m not pregnant, sorry!)

I got a call yesterday from the adviser at the nursing school I’m admitted to.  Apparently, they had a spot open up in the “May 2009 start” class and offered it to me.

I had previously been admitted in the “September 2009 start” class.  Obviously I accepted the offer, so this means I get to start nursing school 4 months earlier than I thought!  Yay!!!!!  I am so incredibly thrilled!     

In the world of IF…everything is all about waiting.  Unfortunately, I’ve also had a lot of waiting due to my career change.  I decided in November of 2006 to start pursuing a career in nursing and have spent the last two years taking classes just to get the prerequisites done.  Then, once I finally finished those, I found out I had to wait another 8 months just to start the official nursing program…sigh…more waiting…

But now…for the first time in a long time, my wait has been shortened!!!  This means 4 months less time working at my current job (which is very precarious right now anyway), 4 months less time waiting to start something I know I’m going to enjoy, 4 months less time before we can potentially start the adoption process, and hopefully, Lord willing, 4 months less time before we will ultimately bring our child home! 

I am just amazed again to see how God has worked this whole thing out.  (why do I always doubt Him?)  Even just a few month back, my husband asked me if I should e-mail/call the nursing school to let them know that I would be interested in the May program if any spots should happen to open up.  I didn’t think there was much of a chance of that happening, so I never ended up following through.  But it didn’t even matter because God had a plan and He didn’t need me to make that call or e-mail for it happen! 

Isn’t God so good, even when we are so lacking in faith! 

Anyway, this whole situation brings about such a sense of relief.  It is just another reminder that I need to let go of the reins of my life and let God lead me.  He hasn’t forgotten about me, and when it comes to children, I know He will allow all things to happen when they are supposed to. 

In the meantime, I need to stop sitting around wishing I was a mom and start focusing on becoming a really great nurse.  I know it’s something He wants me to do and for the first time in a long time, I feel really good about that!  Not that everything is perfect in my life, nor will it ever be, but in this moment it feels good knowing that I am on the path He wants for me.

Do you need a blog makeover?

I know I do!  So I’m entering a contest over at:

 http://designerblogsbyerin.blogspot.com/

Check it out if you’re interested.  The winners will be drawn tomorrow!

Good luck!

A New Year’s Blessing!

So after my sad day from yesterday, I’m happy to be able to share some good news (no, I’m not pregnant).

On New Years Eve, our good friends, D & M, asked me to be the godmother to their baby girl who is due in May.  I was totally overwhelmed with emotion…in a good way!  Wow!  They know of our struggle and I just felt so touched that they would choose me to play this role in their daughter’s life. 

See, my husband is the one who knew D from childhood and they have been like family ever since.  When D & M’s first child, a son, was born, they asked M to be the godfather.  Our families are already linked.  But now, the fact that they have also included me in the “like family” category means so much to me.  I mean, I love them and their whole family and have always known they have accepted me just as much as they accept M, this was just a really tangible way they have shown me just how true that really is. 

I can’t even begin to describe how much this means to me.  To think that I get a “claim” on this baby, and get to be a part of her life…is awesome, especially since I have been wanting a baby for so long.   So even though she wont be 100% mine, I will still get to share in the joy she will surely bring, in a way more than just a family friend.

I think it is especially cool that they are having a girl.  I have a niece and 3 nephews already that mean the world to me.  Unfortunately, I did not yet know my niece when she was a baby.  My sister and BIL got her when she was already 4 years old.  So we missed the baby girl stage.  Now she is a pre-teen already and it is super fun already.  I love her to pieces and love that our bond is growing more friend-ish, then adult-child.  But we haven’t had a baby in the family in 5 years! 

When my oldest nephew was a baby, I didn’t babysit much or spend nearly enough time with him.  I was just out of college and not much into spending time babysitting, a fact I very much regret.  When the twins were born, I was more settled (married by then), but the idea of babysitting was MUCH more daunting.  With two infants plus the two other kids, it was a tough sell, especially for M, to babysit them, I needed his help!  Considering my parents have always absolutely LOVED babysitting, our babysitting services were not necessarily needed so we didn’t do much then either.  Again, another regret.

But now…now that I have been wanting a baby for so long, there have been no babies in my life recently.  Even friends who have had babies within these past three years, we are not that close to (well, at least not to the point where I tell them I want to spend time with their little one).  And also, it feels sort of weird even wanting to do that when you don’t have some connection to their child…like being a relative or something…yes, something…like a godmother.

So basically, I am soooooo excited!  This is baby #3 for them and I am sure they wont mind me babysitting every now and then.  She will be my goddaughter and I want her to know me…even when she’s little.  I don’t want to be some strange lady (in her eyes) that visits every once in a blue moon!  I can’t wait.  I NEED a baby “fix” to help me with this waiting!  What better way to get that then to spend time with my goddaughter!

The best part is, and I know God’s hand was totally in this, is that this is the pregnancy announcement that really threw me for a loop last fall.  I wrote about it in a post here.  I was so devastated that they could get pregnant sooooooo easily.  It just made me feel incredibly sorry for myself.  I was just so jealous, I couldn’t think straight.  And now, looking back and reading that post, it makes my eyes well up.  I talked about how that baby’s genetics and personality were already determined…and little did I know that I was talking about my own goddaughter and that I would have the opportunity to be a part of her future….wow!

I just know that God allowed D & M to think of me and I thank Him so much for giving me this opportunity.  It truly allowed me to erase every last bit of self-pity from my heart when thinking about this pregnancy.  Isn’t God so good!  So even when we think in that moment, “why must I deal with stuff like this” we must remember that God has a plan and it just might end up being something really good in the end!

One Year Ago

It was one year ago today that my sister left this world.  I didn’t actually find out until the next day, but today is the day she went to be with Jesus.  This is one anniversary I’d rather not have to remember but something like this cannot, and should not, be forgotten.

I still remember the instant gut wrenching sorrow when my mom spoke those words, “Kerri passed away last night.”  How could this be?

I remember the tears just wouldn’t stop coming.  After somehow managing to call my husband and call into work I just laid on the couch and cried.  The pain was so great, I started reciting the 23rd Psalm over and over again, a passage I had memorized as a child.  Looking back, it was truly amazing to experience the power of God’s Word.  How saying those words so quickly calmed my mind and my heart to a more manageable level. 

I loved my sister so much.  She was 9 years older than I was, so when we were growing up, she was my little mother.  I remember her nickname for me was “Bunk.”  As a toddler and as a young child I LOVED that I was her “Bunk.”  I knew I was so special to her as she was to me.  Even today when I look through all the pictures of us as children it was amazing to me how many pictures of our family showed me sitting with Kerri.  Poor Kelly, my middle sister, forced to be the loner of the children.  

She moved out of the house when I was in 2nd grade and I remember that moment vividly.  I was standing at my bedroom window watching her pack up her car and drive away.  I was so sad and didn’t understand why she had to go.  That was the first time I lost my sister.

As we grew older, our relationship changed, mostly because she was no longer around due to a falling out she had with my parents, but partly because I grew up myself and began to see the truth behind why she moved away.  I lost some of my naivete as I realized that she wasn’t exactly the saint I thought she was in my child-like experience…no one is.  Other people have told me that they remember the day when they realized their parents weren’t perfect and/or weren’t always right.  I don’t remember that day but I do remember the day I realized that about my sister, Kerri.

Her relationship with my parents and our family was repaired eventually, although she never moved back home for more than a few months.  For many years, I was still closer to her than she was with anyone else in my family.   She did several things as we matured that made me realize that she never lost the feeling that we had a special bond.  For instance, when she was going through a really tough time with her husband, it was me she called in the middle of the night crying.  In some ways, once we reached that point of maturity, I felt like roles had switched and that I had become the big sister.  She needed me and confided in me.

Obviously no person or relationship is perfect, but on this hard day, I try and remember the good times we had.  I will never forget the bond we shared in childhood.  I know that no matter how time had changed things, nothing could take that away from me.  I wait patiently for the day when I will see her again and at that time, there will be no strains or imperfections, only joy and love.

I look forward to that day…