Almost a year

So I was sitting in church yesterday and it hit me.   I remembered sitting through this same mass last year.  It was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  Last year it was on a Saturday.  I remember because when I woke up that morning I took a pregnancy test.  Of course it was negative.

Sitting through that mass was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I wanted to sob through the whole thing.  I didn’t sob but many tears snuck out here and there.  I could barely keep it together.

So compared to last year, yesterday was definitely different.  It was better although not great.  I wasn’t on the verge of tears the whole mass…so that was good.  On the surface, I was proud of myself but deep down, I think I knew that the truth was that maybe I haven’t come quite as far this past year as I had hoped I would.  

This year I had a whole different set of circumstances surrounding this mass.  I didn’t get a negative pregnancy test yesterday morning…so that was helpful.  But the reality is, the last 2 months I haven’t even been trying to get pregnant due to my hysteroscopy.  So there wasn’t the typical mini-heartbreak when AF showed up Sunday. 

While there are parts of this break that have been nice, I think it’s just been a way of escaping…not really healing.    Today, I almost feel like I am right back to the place I was last year.  The tears aren’t too far below the surface even now.  I can hold them back because I have gotten good at being numb these past few weeks.  

Numbness has it’s advantages, hence why I haven’t felt much pain the past few weeks.  I have had pregnancy announcements and encounters and I have dealt with them just fine.  I just pretend like it doesn’t matter and that I’m ok with it and then I actually do feel ok.  I have been wrapping up the work for my college class and in my free time I’ve been reading books for fun to keep my mind off…well everything else…reality.

I think this is also why I haven’t been finding much time to write here lately.  I guess I am trying to avoid all thoughts of the pain of infertility.  But even though I have been suppressing my pain, I’ve also had to suppress other things too, like joy.  I can honestly say this is the least excited I’ve EVER been about Christmas.  Even last year, I was into doing the decorations.  This year, not at all.  I don’t even want to put up a Christmas tree this year.  It just costs money (we always get a real one) and it takes time and effort to decorate.  Time and effort that I really don’t have this year. This will be Christmas #3 that we don’t have kids.    

So where do I go from here?

I know I need to draw closer to God again.  I haven’t been giving Him the time He deserves these past few months.  My prayer life has been sorely lacking and I haven’t spent any time in His Word…No wonder I am in a zone. 

But do you want to know why I am afraid to do all these things?   I am afraid to draw closer to Him because it hurts to let go.  When I face Him, I know I have to let go.  I feel like if I ignore Him, I can ignore my pain.  I can lie to myself and tell myself I’m doing great and don’t need God, but when I’m kneeling before Him, the lies crumble.  When I ask Him for the desire of my heart, I feel like his “No” is right around the corner so why open myself up to the disappointment?

And the thing is, I’ve been here before and I’ve let go, and yet I always end up grabbing it back…eventually.  So now, it’s almost three years later and I’m still hurting, and still struggling to let go.  Isn’t it pathetic that there are parts of me that still hurt the same way they did last year and the year before, like I haven’t grown in my faith at all.  Yes, there are small parts of me that are better and stronger, but sometimes those parts are hard to see when you’re having a bad day.  

Thanks for letting me vent.