My First Blogiversary

Yes, today is the anniversary of my first blog post!   It’s hard for me to even believe that it’s been a year since I started writing.  Back then I wondered if I would even keep it up for more than a few months.  I knew lots of other bloggers I had read had been doing it for a long time.  I felt so new and inexperienced I didn’t think anyone would even read anything I wrote for quite some time.  Amazingly, I got 4 comments on my very first post!

I still remember the very first blog I ever found:  The Mind of Olivia Drab.  This was about 6 months before I started writing myself.  I don’t even remember exactly how I found her blog.  I probably searched online for something random about infertility.   I found Olivia to be very amusing and yet her story was heartbreaking.  I then saw something called a blogroll on her site…”who are all these other people I wondered?”  Then and there a door to another world opened.  There were people out there going through exactly what I was…and were publicly (well sort of ) talking about it.  I was hooked. 

I remember when I was supposed to be studying for an exam and making study sheets on my laptop…I would need a blog fix and would spend the next 30 minutes reading through EVERY post of a blog I found recently.  I felt like I couldn’t get enough.  I would find one blog and before I even caught up on reading it I would find another, which would lead to another and another, etc.  It’s amazing I still ended up getting good grades that summer. 

I admit that as I read more and more blogs that summer, I was not exactly left encouraged.  Of course some shared your typical success stories which was encouraging, but the ones that made a bigger impact were the blogs that did NOT have a happy ending.  In fact, I think I almost felt more depressed as I realized that there were plenty of women who had been facing infertility a lot longer than me, many of whom were STILL not pregnant.  

It was around that time when I began to realize that despite what everyone in real life was telling me (just stop thinking about it and it will happen, you’re still young just give it a little more time, go on vacation and you’ll wind up pregnant) there were lots of women that just do not get the storybook ending. 

“Is that going to be me”, I wondered?  “Am I going to be the one writing years from now that it never happened for?”

Well, here I am, one year later and yes, I am still in that category.  I apologize now to all those women reading this who may be depressed by my story.  Then again, I haven’t been trying THAT long compared to others.  But still, it can’t be encouraging to read…I know, I’ve been there.

But the good news is that even though I was depressed by my early blog reading, in the end, it was the best thing that could have happened.  I began to see reality for what it was and began to deal with the heartache.  I saw beautiful examples of women who didn’t have success and yet were still able to move forward in their lives either through adoption or living child-less.  I began to realize that it truly might never happen for me but I also knew that even if that happened, by the grace of God, I would survive.

I’ve definitely had my ups and downs this past year as you have all been a witness of, but I can honestly say that my life has been so much better since starting to blog.  And as strange as it sounds, it is so therapeutic going back and re-reading what I wrote.  At times, I read a post from when I was really strong and doing well and I feel encouraged all over again.   It’s like my past self encourages my future self!

So as I look forward to this coming year I have hope that this year will be even better.   Maybe a few more emotional highs and a few less emotional lows.  Maybe a lot more dependence on God and a lot less dependence on myself.  Maybe we’ll get our baby and maybe we wont.  But no matter what this next year brings, I know I will survive!

Priorities Readjusted

I have been feeling much better the last couple days.  I’m sure it has a lot to do with my hormones returning back to normal, but it is also due to some really sweet comments I got on my last post.  It always helps to be reminded that you’re not alone when it comes to those kind of days. 

I guess I just get so mad at myself for being able to slip back into the sorrow so easily.  I do so well and then I don’t.  Overall, I know I have grown so much and I need to remind myself of that when I have the down days. 

So moving on…I’m still trying to get into the Christmas spirit.  It is really hard though.  With so much craziness going on in the world, it is hard to remember the magic that is Christmas!  I am constantly wavering back and forth between worry, sadness, and peace.  Worry for my future since my husband and I’s jobs are on very precarious footing at the moment.  Sadness over the thought of another Christmas without children.  And peace when I find a way to let go of all the sadness and worry and rest in God’s comfort that He watch over me. 

I must say, that with all that is going on in our economy and with our jobs right now, it has really made me re-evaluate what I value in life.  We are currently facing a very real threat of losing everything including our jobs, our home, our savings, and worse case scenario…possibly even having to file for bankruptcy. 

See, if our company goes under, we lose our jobs (obviously).  Also, the chances of us finding another job at that point would essentially ZERO because if our company goes under, pretty much every automotive engineering company in our region (including the other 2 of the Detroit 3) goes under too.  With no income and no chance at finding another job, we could not afford our mortgage.     So you would think at that point we would try to sell our home and move to another region where there is a better chance at finding engineering jobs.  But that would not really be an option since 1) we owe more on our house than it is currently worth and have in our savings to cover the difference and 2) if the Detroit 3 go under there will be NO ONE looking to buy a home in this area.  This is why bankruptcy is really not that far of a stretch scenario.

But even knowing that, I have to remember that there is more to life than money.  So what if we had to file for bankruptcy?  So what if we had to start over with nothing?  We would still have each other.  We would still have our families.  It would be tough, but we would make it!  And when I think about it that way…it really takes the fear away.  God promises that He will provide for us and we can rest assured that we would be ok!

So as much as these past few months have scared the living daylights out of me at times…it has also really adjusted my view of the way we live and what is really important in life.   And heck, it even makes me wonder if this is why God didn’t want us to have kids yet.  If this is why He didn’t give my husband a peace about adoption.  So we wouldn’t have the added worry of another mouth to feed or the loss of several thousand dollars for an adoption that we wouldn’t be able to afford anymore.  It just reminds me that God is in control and only He can see the bigger picture so I really need to just trust Him.

Almost a year

So I was sitting in church yesterday and it hit me.   I remembered sitting through this same mass last year.  It was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  Last year it was on a Saturday.  I remember because when I woke up that morning I took a pregnancy test.  Of course it was negative.

Sitting through that mass was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I wanted to sob through the whole thing.  I didn’t sob but many tears snuck out here and there.  I could barely keep it together.

So compared to last year, yesterday was definitely different.  It was better although not great.  I wasn’t on the verge of tears the whole mass…so that was good.  On the surface, I was proud of myself but deep down, I think I knew that the truth was that maybe I haven’t come quite as far this past year as I had hoped I would.  

This year I had a whole different set of circumstances surrounding this mass.  I didn’t get a negative pregnancy test yesterday morning…so that was helpful.  But the reality is, the last 2 months I haven’t even been trying to get pregnant due to my hysteroscopy.  So there wasn’t the typical mini-heartbreak when AF showed up Sunday. 

While there are parts of this break that have been nice, I think it’s just been a way of escaping…not really healing.    Today, I almost feel like I am right back to the place I was last year.  The tears aren’t too far below the surface even now.  I can hold them back because I have gotten good at being numb these past few weeks.  

Numbness has it’s advantages, hence why I haven’t felt much pain the past few weeks.  I have had pregnancy announcements and encounters and I have dealt with them just fine.  I just pretend like it doesn’t matter and that I’m ok with it and then I actually do feel ok.  I have been wrapping up the work for my college class and in my free time I’ve been reading books for fun to keep my mind off…well everything else…reality.

I think this is also why I haven’t been finding much time to write here lately.  I guess I am trying to avoid all thoughts of the pain of infertility.  But even though I have been suppressing my pain, I’ve also had to suppress other things too, like joy.  I can honestly say this is the least excited I’ve EVER been about Christmas.  Even last year, I was into doing the decorations.  This year, not at all.  I don’t even want to put up a Christmas tree this year.  It just costs money (we always get a real one) and it takes time and effort to decorate.  Time and effort that I really don’t have this year. This will be Christmas #3 that we don’t have kids.    

So where do I go from here?

I know I need to draw closer to God again.  I haven’t been giving Him the time He deserves these past few months.  My prayer life has been sorely lacking and I haven’t spent any time in His Word…No wonder I am in a zone. 

But do you want to know why I am afraid to do all these things?   I am afraid to draw closer to Him because it hurts to let go.  When I face Him, I know I have to let go.  I feel like if I ignore Him, I can ignore my pain.  I can lie to myself and tell myself I’m doing great and don’t need God, but when I’m kneeling before Him, the lies crumble.  When I ask Him for the desire of my heart, I feel like his “No” is right around the corner so why open myself up to the disappointment?

And the thing is, I’ve been here before and I’ve let go, and yet I always end up grabbing it back…eventually.  So now, it’s almost three years later and I’m still hurting, and still struggling to let go.  Isn’t it pathetic that there are parts of me that still hurt the same way they did last year and the year before, like I haven’t grown in my faith at all.  Yes, there are small parts of me that are better and stronger, but sometimes those parts are hard to see when you’re having a bad day.  

Thanks for letting me vent.

5 Years!

Well, it’s been 5 years!  I can’t even believe it!  We’ve certainly had our ups and downs…but who hasn’t?  Overall, I am just so blessed that God led me to this man.  He is perfect for me in every way, (even though I don’t always like it)!   I know I’m a better person today because of him and I hope that trend continues, painful or not!

Tonight will be a nice quiet dinner at home after which we will watch our wedding DVD!  I can’t wait!   I love watching it.  I cry every time…still!   Tomorrow we’re going to Ann Arbor, the town where we both went to college, to walk around (weather permitting) and to reminisce.  Then off to a fancy-pants dinner at a very popular restaurant that I’ve actually never even been to.  Most of all, I’m just looking forward to some extra time with my man!  With all the crap that is going on in the world, it is nice to take the time to remember how blessed we are just to have each other! 

Love you sweetie!