Balance
November 6, 2008
So I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments yesterday. A lot of you made some really good points. I guess it was obvious from my last post that I haven’t been trusting God fully with the whole adoption thing. I hope I didn’t come across as being too harsh on my husband.
It is not that he is being unreasonable at all. He is just very logical when it comes to money which is actually a really great quality in a husband. Before I met him, I was not the greatest at saving money. I got into a little bit of credit card debt before we were married. I soon realized the hard truth that once you get into debt, it is really hard to get out.
It was a hard lesson but once I got out of debt, I swore I would never go back into debt again. Once M and I got married, it was wonderful not having any debt to deal with. In fact, we had a good deal of savings and were able to pay for most of our wedding out of pocket (our parents helped out with the rest because they just really wanted to).
After we got married, I realized just how conservative M was when it came to money. He didn’t think it was just ok to not go into debt, he also wanted to save a lot on top of it which now that I know better, I see what a blessing this is. At first it was hard for me, but the more we saved the more excited I got about saving. Being good stewards of the money God has given us is something M has taught me and I so appreciate that about him.
On the other hand, M is sometimes so conservative when it comes to money, that he is hesitant to do anything. As I have stated in previous posts, he is ever the pessimist, while I am usually the optimist. I am definitely not as conservative as he is so I tend to balance him out. It’s actually been a great aspect of our marriage. There are even a few things we have done that M was originally hesitant about that cost money, that we are now really glad we did! One example is my new career.
When I first mentioned it to M, he was not thrilled with the idea at all. He knew it would cost a lot of money and in the end I would only end up making the same amount of money or less! He did not see the logic in this plan. I understood his concerns and let it go, but over the course of the next few months I began to look into it more and more to see the actual feasibility of switching careers so I could know exactly what kind of money we were talking about. The more I looked into it, the more I learned and the more information I passed along to M. Eventually, he came around and realized that it probably was a good idea.
So here I am, almost two years later and we are thanking God that He worked everything out for me to do what I am doing. With the amount of uncertainty in the auto industry right now, it is a huge comfort to us to know I have a back-up career! M has commented several times how happy he is that I am doing what I’m doing. And you know what, in the past two years, we have saved up enough money to pay for my entire schooling and more.
So…the whole reason I bring that up is that M and I’s recent discussions about adoption are not an unusual type of discussion in our house. Many times when we are deciding something, he is on one side and I am on the other. We do not berate each other and we respect each others opinions even if it doesn’t necessarily change our minds individually.
My point in our latest discussions is that we are in a really good place financially. We have a lot of money saved and we still have another whole year of us working to continue saving. In the grand scheme of life $3000 is not going to break us. That is the amount we have the potential to lose if we start the adoption process and then quit because we get pregnant.
The whole point of yesterday’s post was not that my husband is an unreasonable jerk, because that is the furthest from the truth. He is just so good and logical that in situations like this, he has a hard time getting past the logic and into the emotional side of the issue. Something he would admit himself.
I had a few comments that I ended up deleting yesterday that accused me of completely degrading and disrespecting my husband. This is why I wanted to clarify my intentions yesterday. Yes, I poked fun at him a little with the hard headed engineer/banging my head against a wall talk, but that was mostly in jest to make my point. M and I joke about this with each other all the time as I can be incredibly hard headed myself! And I am an engineer too, so I’m allowed to poke fun! :) Obviously, that is a stereo type, and I was joking…no rational person reading my blog is going to take what I say as gospel and assume that I truly believe all engineers are hard headed. People seriously need to lighten up a little.
This blog is my place to vent and clear my head and I so appreciate the comments that offer advice in a constructive way, even if the opinion is different than my own. Usually they are able to bring me back to reality and for that I am grateful.
But back to the adoption issue, M and I have a difference in opinion right now and obviously I cannot and would not force him to take this step unless he were comfortable with it. That is why we haven’t done anything yet. I respect his decision that he is not ready. But that does not mean that I can’t continue to offer him new information and/or let him see the emotional effect this has on me. It is who I am and how I feel. When I cry at the end of our discussions, it is not tears that my husband is an asshole. I never said that. It is just the same old tears of hurt knowing it will be several years before I may have a child in my arms. And usually when I’m crying, he’s hugging me! I know he sees and I know he loves me and respects me too, which is why he offered to talk to our counselor about it. He is willing to hear a third party’s opinion and just the fact the he is willing to do that means a lot to me.
So…in the end, I will take the advice that many of you shared which is to keep praying. God is in control, and just like he brought my husband around when it came to nursing when it truly was the right thing for us to do, he can do the same for us regarding adoption. So I guess until then, it is just not in God’s timing for us. And I accept that, but it doesn’t mean the sadness instantly goes away.
November 6, 2008 at 1:22 pm
That kind of balance is excellent in a marriage. Basically, it just sounds to me like your husband needs more time to think and process before he comes around to a new idea. I am kind of like that myself. I bet he comes around soon. Big decisions take time to get used to.
November 6, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I totally understood what you meant yesterday, as I hope you could tell from my response then. I wanted to let you know, though, that I should be more careful before I open by big, fat mouth to other people about their issues! Reading your blog, along with reading William & Glenna’s blog about their whole process through adoption got me thinking about how much longer we will go through infertility before broaching the subject of adoption. So last night I brought it up to my husband, explaining both blogs and what had made me think about it. I explained very straight-forwardly that I know we are not ready to begin adoption now. I stated repeatedly that I was not looking for an exact timeline to adhere to. I just wanted a generic number of years before we consider adoption as a possibility. I was shocked at his response. He basically said that adoption was the last thing he ever wants to do (most likely because it means that we have exhausted all of our treatment resources and are unable to have kids of our own). He said that because he doesn’t even want to think about it, then he can’t possibly give me an answer about how long before we pursue it. I didn’t understand at all! As a side note, I am an over-the-top organized thinker, very linear to the point of being anal about it. My husband, on the other hand, is very much go-with-the-flow. He struggles to even be able to give me a time frame of when he’ll be home from hanging out with his friends. I just want to know if it’s closer to 30 minutes or 3 hours- not that I would hold him to the minute and be mad if he came home a minute late. I just want to know what to expect. So, back to the subject of adoption, I understood that he couldn’t give me a timeline, but didn’t understand WHY! I don’t get it. He can guestimate how long we’d live in our house before selling it and buying a new one. He was able to tell me that he wanted to wait a year before trying to have kids. He can think about his job in a specific timeframe, like “I could go through this amount of school and then be at this position in so many years.” So, why can’t he just say, “I’d be willing to consider adoption after 2,3 or 5 years of not having kids.” But more than anything, what upset me the most was that he got mad at me for not understanding, saying that I wasn’t supporting him in how he feels about it!
I wasn’t looking for a particular number. I didn’t want him to say, “Let’s start thinking about adoption now.” I agree with him that we both ideally want to conceive naturally and not get to that point at all. But I just wanted an understanding response, something that helps me think about it a little more clearly.
I still believe that God will prepare my husband’s heart, just as much as your husband’s heart, if either of us are to pursue the adoption route. And I know that if this is the place God takes us, that I should be just as prayerful as I advised you to be. But I also realized that I should not be so quick to solve everyone else’s problems when apparently I’m in their same boat.
Hope this helps you know that you’re not alone!
November 6, 2008 at 7:04 pm
You have a great way of writing that I think says exactly how you feel. My husband sounds exactly like yours!!! IT KILLS ME! No it hurts me inside, its like a slow dying death! Did I mention it’s painful, very painful!
You are not alone. Our conversations sound like yours though I do tend to raise my voice over natural speaking tone! hahahahaha 
November 11, 2008 at 4:45 pm
I’m glad you are able to discuss all of your thoughts and feelings with your husband. I hope he hears you and gets on board with your plan soon. You have every right to feel the way you do and be heard by the hubby. He does not get the final say so. You are his 50% partner and your feelings matter JUST AS MUCH AS HIS DO. Why do you have to succomb to his time frame and him not yours? You have equal say so. I cannot believe anyone would criticize you for your last post. It is very obvious to me how much you love your husband and how strong your relationship is. Sounds like the two of you know how to communicate and tackle tough issues such as these. You have a strong relationship. He loves you and you will find some common ground with this. I know it. But stand your ground. Your feelings are important and valid, and not somehow less important than his whether he is good with money, logical, etc. or not. You bring a ton of positive qualities to this relationship, and will be a wonderful mother. He is very fortunate to have you as a wife. Hugs to you!
November 11, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Hi, thanks for your comment on my blog. I’m glad you have a back up plan in case something happens with your job–and it sounds like “plan B” is something you’ll really enjoy!
I really admire your and your husband’s stance on waiting to see what GOd has in store rather than pursuring ART treatments. I know that’s a hard decision to make, but I admire you sticking with your faith.