Progress and Letting Go

So last Thursday, I realized at about 4:25 pm that my husband and I had an appointment with our counselor at 5:00.  M had even asked me the day before if we had a counselor appointment and I got my weeks mixed up and said no.  Consequently, he made other plans for that night.  So when I called him at the last minute to tell him about our appointment…he could not go.

Since it was too late to cancel, I figured I might as well just go by myself since we will get charged for the appointment anyway.  So I went! 

It ended up working out perfectly (divine intervention maybe?) since I obviously had a lot on my mind last week regarding the adoption situation.  My counselor and I were able to talk through a lot of things.  It’s funny, I took so many of your comments to heart before I went, that as she and I talked through stuff, I didn’t end up needing as much help as I thought. 

The one thing that sort of stood out was that I realized that I needed to let go of my “grip” on adoption for now.  It’s like I’m looking to the adoption process to fill a need in my life.  It is something I can control when I have no control over anything else.  With everything that’s been out of control in my life lately…like I explain here…it all starts to make sense as to why this is cropping up again.  Needless to say, it was a light bulb moment. 

Not that being “in control” is the only reason I want to adopt, obviously, but the fact that M is not on board and that I’m not getting “my way” is probably bothering me even more than it should.  I need to just let go and let God!  I need to be able to let go of the control issue and trust that God is going to work everything out in His perfect timing.  That means He will bring M around when the timing is right. (like many of you already told me last week!)

That being said, M and I do have another counseling session tonight that we will both be going to.  We are going to continue the discussion about adoption but this time together.  I think it is important that we really understand where each other is coming from and why we might feel the way we do.  He can maybe understand my feelings of frustration and lack of control and maybe there are some more underlying reasons why he is so against the idea right now that I’m not even aware of. 

Overall though, I am way more at peace with things than I was early last week, but I guess that’s normal in a way.  This roller coaster of infertility is never flat.  There will always be ups and downs, good days and bad days.  Thanks for all your support on what was obviously a bad day (or two)!  Hopefully I can stick with these goods days for awhile now!

Thoughts from the Inside

Ok, so I know there’s been lots of speculation swirling around regarding the auto industry and a potential bailout for them.  I have read various news articles about the situation and I’ve also heard from my own management.  So I thought I’d share my thoughts from the inside.

I am really saddened by what I am hearing from people around the country on this issue.  Here are just a few things I’ve heard:

1. It is the American Auto Industry’s own fault they are in the situation they are in, they sell cars people don’t want.
2. It is the American Auto Industry’s own fault they are in the situation they are in, they have terrible management who is sucking the company dry with their million dollar bonuses.
3. Why should the taxpayers have to pay for a company’s bad management.
4. We should just let them go bankrupt, the economy in my area of the country is doing just fine.
5. Since the American Auto Industry has been sending jobs overseas, why don’t they go ask the Japan for a bailout.

Let me address each one of these.  I will write from my own company’s perspective since I do not know the numbers for the other two.  (I work for one of the big 3 American auto companies.)

1. The reason my company is so close to bankruptcy is not because of the cars we sell, it is because of two things that happened that were entirely out of our control.  First, was gas prices.  NO ONE had any idea that gas prices would shoot up the way they have.  And despite having several hybrid vehicles in production, this greatly impacted my company’s profits this year.  Every automaker (even Toyota and Honda) makes big profits on trucks.  So when people stopped buying trucks and started buying cars, profits decreased for every automaker)As a response to the high gas prices, my company put forth a HUGE effort to cut 15 Billion dollars from our budget to compensate so we could stay afloat.  This would have worked just fine if something else catastrophic would not have happened which leads me to the second thing.  The financial market/industry totally imploded and loans are now extremely hard to come by.  So what does the average person need a loan for?  A house and/or a car.  So basically auto sales declined in October by45% for my company!  So basically, less people want to buy a new car because of the crappy economy and even the people who want to buy a car, can’t because they can’t get a loan.  This is effecting every automaker, not just American ones.  So because mortgage companies and financial institutions wanted to give mortgages to people who couldn’t afford them, the auto industry has to go under?  (And by the way, the ones who screwed screwed up in the first place DID get a bailout from the government)
2. The management of my company, while not perfect, is not the reason we are about to go under.  They announced MONTHS ago that there would be no bonuses next year for anyone…including executives.   We need to keep our management because they have done a tremendous job keeping us afloat this far.  I know they can continue doing it if given the chance. 
3. The American taxpayer should not have to pay for this, however, this problem is not our fault as I specified in  #1.  That being said, my company is not asking for free money…it is asking for a LOAN.  A loan to help us get through this time (right after the market implosion) so that once the market starts to recover we will be profitable again and will be able to pay it back.  And we WILL be profitable again.  In the midst of this crisis, we have learned how to operate at a much lower cost and we are majorly downsizing the company to compensate for lower sales.  Once sales pick back up, we will be in a great position to start making money quickly, will be able to pay back the loan and even probably hiring back a lot of people.  
4. I don’t think people understand how much the American Auto Industry contributes to the U.S. economy.  If this industry goes under, it will have catastrophic effects on EVERYONE.  Did you know that 1 in 10 jobs in this entire country is dependant on this industry?  So it’s not just the people that work at my company that will get laid off, all the companies that supply us will get laid off, all the people that work at dealership and service centers will get laid off, all the people we pay for advertising and R & D will get laid off, etc.  In addition, none of those people who got laid off will have health care so they will stop going to the doctor, so the health care industry is going to take huge hit.  The government is going to have to fork over money for unemployment and medicaid for those millions of people who get laid off.  Trust me…I don’t care what part of the country you live in…you WILL be affected.
5. I hate it when a company expands globally that people automatically assume that we are sending jobs overseas.  Yes, my company has expanded it’s operations overseas and is a truly global company.  However, we don’t just manufacture cars overseas and ship them here, hence sending jobs overseas.  We manufacture cars overseas and sell them there!  We are selling cars in other countries to those people that live there and the profit from those sales comes back here to the US!  In fact, the only reason my company has survived some tough times the past two years, is because our sales of vehicles in other countries has been keeping us afloat.  That is the beauty of a global company.  Not all markets are going to do well all at the same time.  It’s sort of like diversifying your investments in the stock market.  You do that so when one stock does bad, hopefully you have other stock that are still doing well.  I don’t understand why people think this is a bad thing?  This is smart business and the fact that we are bringing money from other countries into our own country is awesome.  Think of how many other industries are not like that.  We buy all of our TVs and stereo equipment and electronics from companies like Sony, Samsung, Panasonic, etc.  Guess where all that money we pay for them go…back to Japan or wherever they are made.  So isn’t it cool that we as Americans can actually produce something that other countries want? 

What Really Happens if the Big Three Goes Away

(The above link is not working at the moment.  Probably because too many people are accessing it!)

To close, here is an answer as to why the auto industry needs a bailout:

Why do you think the federal government should help bail ”Company A” out of its current financial crisis?

“Company A” is not alone in this crisis.  The U.S. credit freeze and closed capital markets are resulting in a severe liquidity squeeze, at a time when manufacturers’ cash flow from operations are devastated by plummeting consumer demand.  The U.S. auto industry is a vital part of the economy and many in the U.S. government have acknowledged the important role of the industry in the national economy and our discussions are ongoing.

 No other U.S. industry generates more employment, annual economic output, exports, R&D investment, or retail business than the U.S. auto industry.  Proof points:

• Directly employs nearly a quarter of a million people;
• Supports another 5 million Americans at dealerships, parts suppliers and service providers;
• Has invested nearly a quarter of a trillion dollars in U.S. over last two decades, including $10 billion alone last year;
• Spends $12 billion annually in R&D in U.S., which exceeds aerospace, medical equipment and communications industries;
• Purchased $156 billion in U.S. auto parts supporting jobs in all 50 states and is the largest purchaser of U.S. steel, aluminum, iron, copper, plastics, rubber and electronic and computer chips;
• Provides healthcare benefits to two million Americans and supports nearly 800,000 retirees and spouses with pension benefits.

Just some things to think about…

Balance

So I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments yesterday.  A lot of you made some really good points.  I guess it was obvious from my last post that I haven’t been trusting God fully with the whole adoption thing.  I hope I didn’t come across as being too harsh on my husband. 

It is not that he is being unreasonable at all.  He is just very logical when it comes to money which is actually a really great quality in a husband.   Before I met him, I was not the greatest at saving money.  I got into a little bit of credit card debt before we were married.  I soon realized the hard truth that once you get into debt, it is really hard to get out. 

It was a hard lesson but once I got out of debt, I swore I would never go back into debt again.  Once M and I got married, it was wonderful not having any debt to deal with.  In fact, we had a good deal of savings and were able to pay for most of our wedding out of pocket (our parents helped out with the rest because they just really wanted to). 

After we got married, I realized just how conservative M was when it came to money.  He didn’t think it was just ok to not go into debt, he also wanted to save a lot on top of it which now that I know better, I see what a blessing this is.  At first it was hard for me, but the more we saved the more excited I got about saving.  Being good stewards of the money God has given us is something M has taught me and I so appreciate that about him. 

On the other hand, M is sometimes so conservative when it comes to money, that he is hesitant to do anything.  As I have stated in previous posts, he is ever the pessimist, while I am usually the optimist.  I am definitely not as conservative as he is so I tend to balance him out.  It’s actually been a great aspect of our marriage.  There are even a few things we have done that M was originally hesitant about that cost money, that we are now really glad we did!  One example is my new career. 

When I first mentioned it to M, he was not thrilled with the idea at all.  He knew it would cost a lot of money and in the end I would only end up making the same amount of money or less!  He did not see the logic in this plan.  I understood his concerns and let it go, but over the course of the next few months I began to look into it more and more to see the actual feasibility of switching careers so I could know exactly what kind of money we were talking about.  The more I looked into it, the more I learned and the more information I passed along to M.  Eventually, he came around and realized that it probably was a good idea. 

So here I am, almost two years later and we are thanking God that He worked everything out for me to do what I am doing.  With the amount of uncertainty in the auto industry right now, it is a huge comfort to us to know I have a back-up career!  M has commented several times how happy he is that I am doing what I’m doing.  And you know what, in the past two years, we have saved up enough money to pay for my entire schooling and more. 

So…the whole reason I bring that up is that M and I’s recent discussions about adoption are not an unusual type of discussion in our house.  Many times when we are deciding something, he is on one side and I am on the other.  We do not berate each other and we respect each others opinions even if it doesn’t necessarily change our minds individually. 

My point in our latest discussions is that we are in a really good place financially.  We have a lot of money saved and we still have another whole year of us working to continue saving.  In the grand scheme of life $3000 is not going to break us.  That is the amount we have the potential to lose if we start the adoption process and then quit because we get pregnant.

The whole point of yesterday’s post was not that my husband is an unreasonable jerk, because that is the furthest from the truth.  He is just so good and logical that in situations like this, he has a hard time getting past the logic and into the emotional side of the issue.  Something he would admit himself.

I had a few comments that I ended up deleting yesterday that accused me of completely degrading and disrespecting my husband.  This is why I wanted to clarify my intentions yesterday.  Yes, I poked fun at him a little with the hard headed engineer/banging my head against a wall talk, but that was mostly in jest to make my point.  M and I joke about this with each other all the time as I can be incredibly hard headed myself!  And I am an engineer too, so I’m allowed to poke fun! :) Obviously, that is a stereo type, and I was joking…no rational person reading my blog is going to take what I say as gospel and assume that I truly believe all engineers are hard headed.  People seriously need to lighten up a little. 

This blog is my place to vent and clear my head and I so appreciate the comments that offer advice in a constructive way, even if the opinion is different than my own.  Usually they are able to bring me back to reality and for that I am grateful. 

But back to the adoption issue, M and I have a difference in opinion right now and obviously I cannot and would not force him to take this step unless he were comfortable with it.  That is why we haven’t done anything yet.  I respect his decision that he is not ready.  But that does not mean that I can’t continue to offer him new information and/or let him see the emotional effect this has on me.  It is who I am and how I feel.  When I cry at the end of our discussions, it is not tears that my husband is an asshole.  I never said that.  It is just the same old tears of hurt knowing it will be several years before I may have a child in my arms.  And usually when I’m crying, he’s hugging me!  I know he sees and I know he loves me and respects me too, which is why he offered to talk to our counselor about it.  He is willing to hear a third party’s opinion and just the fact the he is willing to do that means a lot to me.

So…in the end, I will take the advice that many of you shared which is to keep praying.  God is in control, and just like he brought my husband around when it came to nursing when it truly was the right thing for us to do, he can do the same for us regarding adoption.  So I guess until then, it is just not in God’s timing for us.  And I accept that, but it doesn’t mean the sadness instantly goes away.

Moving On

So instead of writing a long drawn out post on why I will support our new president-elect, despite the fact that I did not want him to be president, I will just again hijack another post.  Wow, this is so much easier than just writing my own thoughts.  Just find someone else who has written what you feel…copy…paste…wah-lah!  “The LPM Blog”  All Done…And now I can move on!

Is that cheating?

ANYWAY…back to moving on!  I am hosting a campaign of my own these days.  I am campaigning to my husband to allow us to start the adoption process now instead of waiting until next fall.  I have tried all sorts of strategies but have not seemed to make much headway.  Polls are still showing I way behind! 

But seriously, I’m not sure M really understand how much my heart hurts to not have a child.  He does really want kids but he is so much more ok with waiting.  I, on the other hand, have made it strikingly obvious that I am lacking in the patience department when it comes to having a baby.

I know many of you can relate to what I’m going through.  One obvious example is Soapchick who has gone through her own ups and downs waiting for her hubby to catch up with their plan!  I’m sure she can especially relate considering both of our husbands are engineers and engineers can be so incredibly hard headed at times.  

Men, in general, tend to think/make decisions with their heads (uh…well, most of the time anyway), while women think/make decisions with their heads AND their hearts.  For women, the right answer is not always the one that makes the most sense logically.  Sometimes you just know an answer is the right one, even if on paper it doesn’t seem so.

That’s how I feel about starting the adoption process now.  It may not make sense on paper, but in my heart, I feel like there’s nothing wrong with starting now, even if we don’t end up actually adopting a child until after I finish nursing school.  In my mind, as long as we get approved, we can say yes or no to a particular child (if one even comes along) depending on our circumstances at the time and depending on what we feel the Lord is leading us to do. 

After all this election/pro-life stuff, I feel even more strongly that adoption is an amazing choice, even if we do end up getting pregnant on our own someday.  How awesome to be able to be a part of helping someone choose life for their child!   M, doesn’t agree.  If we can have our own, he doesn’t want to adopt.  Therefore he wants to us to give it more time and see if it happens before starting the adoption process.

But M doesn’t think starting the process is logical at this point.  He figures, we may spend several thousand dollars and end up getting pregnant after all.  Also not logical in his mind, having a child during Nursing school.  This fact doesn’t bother him if it’s a biological child, but does if it’s adopted. 

We had another discussion about this early this week and I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall.  I have tried to show him my heart.  I have tried to explain how much this means to me.  I have tried to use examples he can relate to.  But he is so FREAKING stubborn!  So I end up crying and he feels bad but his heart is never moved in return.  It makes me feel sad. 

The one sliver of good news is that he said we could talk to our counselor about it.  Little does he know that I talked to her about this exact topic a few weeks ago when I met with her alone.  At that time she thought it would be good to talk about in a session together.  Unfortunately we haven’t been able to see her as often due to various conflicts so we haven’t broached the subject.  But at least next week when we meet, hopefully we can work through it a bit.  I’m hoping she can crack through his logic a bit but somehow I’m thinking it’s a lost cause.

So do you guys think it’s crazy for me to want to start this when it seems like the wrong time or a stupid move because of a possible loss of money?  Just wondering if I’m way off base here?

I Did My Part!

So I’m done!  I voted!  And now comes the time when I leave it all in God’s hands.  I prayed and prayed and prayed last night and this morning that God would give me peace that He is in control and it seems to be helping immensely!

M and I headed to the polls around 9:30.  I think we were there for all of 10 minutes.  No problem at all!  Whew!  It helped that I had completely looked over the ballot beforehand so I knew exactly who/what I was voting for.  So it was just a matter of filling in the circles.  I admit that in past elections I didn’t always  know what all the proposals were before I was in the voting booth.  That meant I had to read them over and make my decision right then which took more time of course.

As I was walking into the building and I saw other people heading in too, I admit I was so proud of my country.  It is so incredibly cool to know that everywhere across the whole country people are doing exactly the same thing.  They are making their voice heard and that is cool no matter who you’re voting for!  So get out there and vote everyone! 

Anyway…now I get to enjoy the rest of my day.  I work at the pregnancy center tonight.  I’ll be interested in talking with our director about some of the issues we will face depending on who is elected.  We may even have an answer by then…crazy that after all this, it is almost over…I can’t say I wont be relieved!

Election Eve

“Twas the night before the election and all through the nation, all conservatives and republicans sit in deep consternation.”

I would continue but seriously…I am not that creative and who the heck has the time for that! 

But seriously, I am pretty stressed out about this election because I know how much is at stake for the future of our nation.  I truly fear for the heart of this country as we make our choice between these two candidates.  I just feel like we are falling farther and farther away from the country our founding fathers truly wanted us to be.  I know I need to just let it go and spend some serious time in prayer instead which is what I will be doing tonight. 

I read a great blog post today at Life’s Lost and Found.  It’s got some very interesting info about the candidates and she gives some great explanations on why she is voting for Joh.n McC.ain.  I agree with pretty much everything she wrote there.  I hope she doesn’t mind me linking to her post because I just don’t have the time or energy to go into why I will be voting for Joh.n McC.ain tomorrow.    

I wish you all a happy election day tomorrow and I encourage everyone out there to vote…well, except for those of you that are voting for Obama, you feel free to stay home (he he…just kidding of course)!