Shaken Up
September 18, 2008
So remember when I said how great I was doing and how much peace I had in my heart…
uh yeah…
So last weekend our close friend mentioned in passing that him and his wife were trying again and that they tried last month for the first time. For their first two kids they got pregnant the first try. So after he mentioned they had tried, I made a joke about how terrible it must have been for them to not have it work on the first try this time….awkward silence…
ohhh…I get it, that was your way of accidentally telling us you are pregnant. My bad, I’m a bit slow. Oh yeah, and don’t worry, we wont tell your wife that you told us since you were supposed to keep it under wraps until 12 weeks.
…
As much as I love them and as happy as I am for them…I fully admit this news was hard to hear. Mainly due to the fact that they wavered for years over whether to even have another baby. But once they decided, that was all it took. It’s not that I wish they had a hard time getting pregnant, I just wish it was that easy for us. You know, to just decide that you want to get pregnant, have sex and presto-chango…pregnant. They decided and now their baby is already created, it still has to grow, but all the genetic information is already there. They didn’t have to wait for it to happen, they don’t have to wonder when they will hold their baby in their arms, they didn’t have to pay for it, they don’t have to prove to anyone else that they will be good enough parents to raise it…it is their biological child. And they created it…just like that.
I think I would have been more ok with it had it not been the day before my period showed. As luck would have it, I woke up that next morning with cramps. Sorta like God wanted to give me an extra little kick while I was down. Those damn hormones always make so much more sensitive.
I really am ashamed to even be writing this with all my big talk about how well I was doing. I was feeling so good and strong and all it took was one 2 minute conversation the day before my period to launch me from my pedestal. I should have known it wouldn’t last. I thought I had turned the corner but I guess I was only peeking around it.
………………………….
I did want to thank a fellow blogger though. All You Who Hope had an awesome post yesterday that was just what I needed to read today and I thank her for posting something with such honesty and insight! I think I need to print out her post so I can keep reading it over and over when those myths pop into my head!
September 18, 2008 at 5:08 pm
K.C., you don’t have to be ashamed of how you’re feeling. IF and the feelings associated with it don’t just go away one day. It’s a spectrum and we move back and forth on the continuum. You feel what you feel and it’s okay, sweetie.
And, if it’s any help, I get where you are. The place where you are happy for someone else but sad for you. I think it’s only natural to be there.
September 18, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Don’t feel like you have to be strong all the time. Your reaction to that situation was completely normal. It’s tough enough to deal with IF, without having to hear about fertile myrtles all the time. And you’ve got a great attitude about it…it isn’t that you are mad at them, but it is upsetting that it’s not you in their shoes.
September 18, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Oh, those times are so hard. I’ve had many of those, “Why does so-and-so’s announcement have to come right when my period is starting?” moments. A friend once shared with me an illustration of a person walking up stairs while holding a yo-yo; we’re like that yo-yo, going up and down, up and down, but in the right hands, we’re always moving up in the big picture. Hang in there!
September 18, 2008 at 6:08 pm
You’re so sweet! I’m glad you got something out of my post. I figured I wasn’t the only one feeling that way
As for your friend and how you are feeling, don’t beat yourself up about it. I really think it is normal, and I would have felt the exact same way. And believe me, it took much less than that to get me upset before my cycle started this month. In fact, nothing even happened and I got depressed! It really is unbelievable how easy it is for some people. All we can do it keep trying and praying, I guess. You are in my prayers!
September 18, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Aw, KC … If there’s one lesson (of many) that I’ve learned during my IF journey is that this feeling of longing and pain will never fully disappear. There will definitely be good days where everything is alright … but there will be those days like this one where it all goes to poop.
Just remember that you’re not alone in this journey.
HUGS!
September 18, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Oh man, this has happened to me more times than I care to remember! And it never seems to not sting. It’s just hard. I’m sorry it happened at such a crappy time, too. That makes it doubly hard.
Don’t worry about being strong all the time–we’ve all had those days…and I guess we will continue to.
But isn’t it hard talking to people who all they have to do is decide to have a baby and then-BAM! they’re pregnant. They get pregnant every time on the first try. I’m just in awe of that! We’ve been trying for 4.5 years now with not one pregnancy…so, I’m just amazed that people can get pregnant without really trying. Wow.
September 19, 2008 at 12:44 am
I don’t know what to say. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I just get so angry. Its so frustrating. I’m praying for you, big hugs. Jenileigh
September 19, 2008 at 10:20 am
KC – you are allowed to feel however you want to feel whenever you want to feel it. To hear news like that has got to be like pouring salt in an open wound, at least that’s how I felt when our friends announced pregnancies during our IUI or IVF cycles. So please continue to share any feelings you have with us when you feel up to it. We’re here to listen and to let you know you’re not alone in these feelings. I don’t think that these feelings ever truly go away – because once there they run so deep. We’re already forever changed whether we realize it or not. The fear and frustration lurks around every corner, but know I’m hear to peak around those corners with you – as corny as that sounds. I am. Sending you lots of hugs as well.
Off topic – but how excited were you that Kwamei’s last day was yesterday? If you heard cheering from the south – it was me! And yes – you are a sweetheart, anytime that you want to come by after you get stuff settled next week would be so fun and relaxing. It would be great to see you. That is very nice of you to offer
September 19, 2008 at 11:51 am
Everyone has ups and downs. It is totally understandable. Plus, that kind of news (and total unfairness) can hit anyone hard. I have lots of happy for them and unfair for me feelings when I hear about that kind of news.
September 19, 2008 at 9:38 pm
It’s okay to have a bad day, and besides that guy is clearly clueless about your feelings, or he wouldn’t have said what he said.
You have every right to feel the way you do, and don’t feel guilty. Life is up and down all the time, and so is our ability to handle it. Hang in there – you are a sweetie!
September 22, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Hi! Found you in Mel’s (Stirrup) Blog Roll. You are the 2nd blogger today that I have read who have decided to move forward with ART. That’s awesome.
Anyway, I find your shift from being an engineer to a nurse very courageous. I am an engineer as well but I am exploring other vocations.
September 24, 2008 at 10:58 am
K.C.- Have you looked into doing Creighton Model/NaPro? I just started it, but All You Who Hope has been using it for 2 years. It might allow you to figure out what’s wrong, and you wouldn’t being doing ART. Talk to one of us if you want more info.