A Little Update

I haven’t been writing here as often as I once was.  Thankfully that is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t felt the need to write!  The peace I wrote about last time has continued and I have felt really good emotionally these past two weeks or so.  Even despite a few events that in the past may have sent me into a tailspin.  (And considering both events happened during my emotionally charged PMS days, I think that says a lot! Ha Ha)

The first one was when I ran into a friend the other day who asked me if we had had any luck TTC.  I explained that we hadn’t and she then proceeded to tell me the age old story of her friend who tried for 2 years who had finally given up and stopped stressing about it and who just recently found out she was pregnant.  I felt a little resentment building up as she relayed the story, but due to God’s Grace, it did not take over.  I just kept reminding myself that she hasn’t been there before and was only trying to encourage me so I should take it as thus, encouragement.  So instead of feeling bitter, I felt encouraged and continued talking with her about it.  It gave me the opportunity to explain my new found peace about things and hopefully give God a little credit.  Although I did make it clear that just because I was letting go of the stress and worry of TTC it did not mean I was expecting to get pregnant any day just because of it.  

When I say I’m letting go of it, I mean it.  I mean it whether I turn up pregnant in 2 months or if I never see that elusive BFP.   I’m ok with it either way.  Not to say that I don’t still wish it would happen but I have finally figured out that my life will not be an endless journey of pain just because I cannot have my own biological child.  Instead of looking at the next few years as being filled with loss, I want them to be filled with life.  As in, me living it, not always wishing for something I don’t have. 

The other event was a visit with our friends last night.  They were visiting from out of town with their 8 month old twins (who were super cute by the way).  They know our situation and actually gave us a possible lead on international adoption that we will definitely be looking into.  But at one point in the evening the husband joked about his wife and what a “fertile myrtle” she is.  I admit, it stung a bit but only for a moment.  Why let it ruin my evening when the fact is, she was a fertile myrtle as are most women!  So instead of feeling sad, I just held their son and let myself soak up his sweetness!  I hadn’t had a baby “fix” in awhile so it was really nice!  Overall we had a really great time and not even once did I feel the familiar pain and loss while they were there.  Usually I can’t help but be reminded that “this” is something I’ll never have, but I didn’t think of that at all.   

God has definitely been so good to me and I am so grateful that He has led me to this exact point in my life.    I couldn’t have made it without His Divine presence in the ups and obviously in the downs.  So now I just wait patiently.  I live my life and accept His guidance as He leads me down the path He wants me to take.    And I trust that at the end, there will be something great that I never even dreamed of!  It makes me excited just thinking about it!

Of course I’ve still been praying that He will bless us with a child one day but now when I pray, I just humbly ask and then move on, trusting that He will take care of the rest.  I think that’s all He truly wants from us. 

So I’m sorry if a lot of this is a repeat from my last post (I didn’t go back and re-read it).  But it is what’s on my heart and it feels good to put it down in writing so I will never forget how God has blessed me!  

By the way, counseling has still been going really well with M.  We had a really interesting session last night that was really targeting our original issue.  The way our counselor handled it was really good and I honestly can say I learned a lot from it.  I think M did too.  I just hope we can both put into practice what we’ve learned because I think it will make a huge impact in our marriage!!

Ok, that’s all for an update.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!