Monitoring Begins

So Saturday was CD1 for me of what will be a monitored natural cycle.  I was definitely looking forward to it and was happy to have last cycle be so short so we could get on with the monitoring.   I’m so interested to see what my body is actually doing.  I’m still a bit annoyed that I didn’t push harder to do this earlier?  Doesn’t this seem like the FIRST thing you would do when evaluating for infertility?  Anyway…

Yesterday morning I went in for my CD3 blood work.  When the nurse called she said my levels came back fine but did mention that my FSH came back a little high at 9.3.  I think on my last injectible cycle I started off with my FSH around 10 (can’t remember the exact number) which they never even told me until our follow up appointment after the cycle was cancelled.  They stated that they didn’t think it was a major problem at the time but from what I’ve read on the internet it seems like it could indicate that I am borderline for Diminished Ovarian Reserve. 

I know different labs use different standards for how they evaluate FSH levels but I just wondered what you guys thought about this number?   My baseline FSH about a year and a half ago was around 5 or 6 I think, which was good.  So now only a year or so later, it is almost double.  Apparently my ovaries have put me on notice that they will not be doing this follicle thing forever. 

The nurse told me that at my RE’s office they consider an FSH of 11 to be the  high end of normal but they really like to see FSH levels below 10, especially at my age.  So mine was 9.3, talk about sneaking in under the wire.  So I’m a bit bummed.  I guess I should have realized that could be a bad sign when they told me my FSH was high last cycle.  I was just hoping it was a fluke, but it wasn’t.  Am I over-reacting and this is not a big deal at all or is this something to be mildly concerned about?

In spite of that bad little nugget of information, we will still continue with the monitoring.  I don’t go back until next Tuesday (CD12) for a post-coit.al test, an u/s and blood work.  They will check to see how the follicle is growing (if there is one), how my lining looks and how my hormone levels are looking.  Hopefully everything else from here on out looks good!

That’s all for now.  I’ll try and be more consistent about writing on here.  I have some things I wanted to write about how our marriage counseling is going but I’ll save that for another post!  Have a nice night everyone!

Persistent Prayer

We had an interesting message at church on Sunday.  It hit home for me especially as it related to how I was feeling in this post and also to this post by Charlotte at “…and not by sight”.  I felt like her post was a reiteration of exactly how I was feeling the day I wrote mine, and to be honest, how I still sorta feel today.  Well, the message may have just changed my mind about it.

So the scripture was Matthew 15:21-28 (NIV):

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon.  A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me!  My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.”

Jesus did not answer a word.  So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

The woman came and knelt before him.  “Lord, help me!” she said.

He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

“Yes, Lord,” she said, “But even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.

Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Our priest talked about how this woman was the model of persistence.  Almost obnoxiously so considering even the disciples were getting annoyed with her constant pleas.  So after she made her request to Jesus (heal my daughter), He told her flat out “no” and insulted her at the same time.  (By the way, I admit this passage and Jesus’s actions confuse me a bit but that has an explanation I’m not sure I’m fit to write).  Basically at that time, Jesus was focusing His ministry on the people of Israel, not on the Gentiles and this woman was not an Israelite.  So Jesus was stating as such.  But the woman did not take Jesus’s rebuke as offensive and she came back with a great argument using His own analogy that supported her plea.   As a result, she actually changed Jesus’s mind!  He was not initially going to help her, but her persistence and great faith convinced Jesus to heal her daughter.    That just really struck me.  It also brought to mind several other passages where Jesus rewarded the persistent with healing. 

I guess that lately I’ve thought that trying to convince God to change His mind with respect to our childlessness was not a true show of faith.  I figured I was being more faithful by just trusting that God would bless us with a child when/if He so chose.  I didn’t want to keep “badgering” Him with my constant pleas.  But in this story, Jesus was actually honored by the woman’s persistence, and ultimately granted her request because of her faith. 

Obviously, I am still praying for God’s continued peace in the midst of our infertility but maybe it’s not so wrong to keep pleading with God for what I really desire, as long as I do it with the right motive?

Just a few thoughts…

Do you guys have any thoughts about this?

Michigan’s Beauty

Just thought I’d add a few pictures of our camping trip last weekend.  We went with the dogs to Oscoda.  It is right near the Huron National Forest.  We did an 8 mile hike that had some breathtaking views!  I would highly recommend it.  It is called the “Highbanks Trail.”  The dogs were in heaven the whole time!  They had such a blast!

They were wet from the rain

Yes, one of the boys is running the wrong way! He was coming back to check on me!

A Little Update

I haven’t been writing here as often as I once was.  Thankfully that is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t felt the need to write!  The peace I wrote about last time has continued and I have felt really good emotionally these past two weeks or so.  Even despite a few events that in the past may have sent me into a tailspin.  (And considering both events happened during my emotionally charged PMS days, I think that says a lot! Ha Ha)

The first one was when I ran into a friend the other day who asked me if we had had any luck TTC.  I explained that we hadn’t and she then proceeded to tell me the age old story of her friend who tried for 2 years who had finally given up and stopped stressing about it and who just recently found out she was pregnant.  I felt a little resentment building up as she relayed the story, but due to God’s Grace, it did not take over.  I just kept reminding myself that she hasn’t been there before and was only trying to encourage me so I should take it as thus, encouragement.  So instead of feeling bitter, I felt encouraged and continued talking with her about it.  It gave me the opportunity to explain my new found peace about things and hopefully give God a little credit.  Although I did make it clear that just because I was letting go of the stress and worry of TTC it did not mean I was expecting to get pregnant any day just because of it.  

When I say I’m letting go of it, I mean it.  I mean it whether I turn up pregnant in 2 months or if I never see that elusive BFP.   I’m ok with it either way.  Not to say that I don’t still wish it would happen but I have finally figured out that my life will not be an endless journey of pain just because I cannot have my own biological child.  Instead of looking at the next few years as being filled with loss, I want them to be filled with life.  As in, me living it, not always wishing for something I don’t have. 

The other event was a visit with our friends last night.  They were visiting from out of town with their 8 month old twins (who were super cute by the way).  They know our situation and actually gave us a possible lead on international adoption that we will definitely be looking into.  But at one point in the evening the husband joked about his wife and what a “fertile myrtle” she is.  I admit, it stung a bit but only for a moment.  Why let it ruin my evening when the fact is, she was a fertile myrtle as are most women!  So instead of feeling sad, I just held their son and let myself soak up his sweetness!  I hadn’t had a baby “fix” in awhile so it was really nice!  Overall we had a really great time and not even once did I feel the familiar pain and loss while they were there.  Usually I can’t help but be reminded that “this” is something I’ll never have, but I didn’t think of that at all.   

God has definitely been so good to me and I am so grateful that He has led me to this exact point in my life.    I couldn’t have made it without His Divine presence in the ups and obviously in the downs.  So now I just wait patiently.  I live my life and accept His guidance as He leads me down the path He wants me to take.    And I trust that at the end, there will be something great that I never even dreamed of!  It makes me excited just thinking about it!

Of course I’ve still been praying that He will bless us with a child one day but now when I pray, I just humbly ask and then move on, trusting that He will take care of the rest.  I think that’s all He truly wants from us. 

So I’m sorry if a lot of this is a repeat from my last post (I didn’t go back and re-read it).  But it is what’s on my heart and it feels good to put it down in writing so I will never forget how God has blessed me!  

By the way, counseling has still been going really well with M.  We had a really interesting session last night that was really targeting our original issue.  The way our counselor handled it was really good and I honestly can say I learned a lot from it.  I think M did too.  I just hope we can both put into practice what we’ve learned because I think it will make a huge impact in our marriage!!

Ok, that’s all for an update.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Not much going on…

Well, I’m obviously back from our camping trip.  We had a great time as usual.  But I haven’t had that much to say lately so I haven’t felt the need to write.  I know that a big part of it has to do with our decision about TTC and backing off for awhile.  It is actually quite a relief.  I never thought I would get to this point (peace in giving up) and yet suddenly here I am. (Thanks God)!

Obviously God has answered my prayers even if He didn’t give me exactly what I asked for (though he very well still may someday)!  Peace in my heart is all I need or even want really.  So as long as I have that, I am good!

Our trip was lots of fun!  We had pretty good weather (it only rained for a little bit Friday evening and then blew over) and it was great to hang out with our friends.  We don’t see them all that often so it’s always extra fun when the camping trip comes around each year.  I actually slept really good both nights! 

Can I just say that air mattresses are the best inventions ever!   If it weren’t for our air mattresses I can say that I would not be quite so keen on camping but since I am not sleeping on the hard ground, I really don’t mind.  It helps that I sleep like a rock!  My husband is so jealous of me because of that. 

But overall like I said we had a ton of fun and M and I got along really well!  I think we are making good progress and really drawing closer.    The only downside to the trip was that it went by too fast.  We talked and decided that next year we’re going up a day earlier.  We didn’t get to do quite as much as we wanted to.  

Thanks for all your well wishes on my nursing school interview.  It was on Monday and it went GREAT!  The interviewer was a professor in the program I am applying for and she was so sweet and nice.  I got lots of good vibes from her.  As a result, I was very comfortable answering all her questions.  She made several comments afterwards indicating that she thought it had gone really well so I left there feeling good about it!  That’s about as much as I could ask for!  I guess I will find out in a couple weeks if I got in and if so, when I will start. 

One a side note, I just wanted to clarify something from my last post.  I did not mean to imply in my post that a drug like V.iag.ra should not be covered at all.  I just meant that if something like that was covered, then it seems like infertility treatments should be covered too!  I realize that E.D is definitely a health issue and it should be covered.  I just don’t see the difference between a problem with the ability to get pregnant vs the ability to have s.ex.   I was not offended by any comments on my last post or anything but I thought maybe I had given the wrong impression by what I wrote and I just wanted to clarify!

As for TTC, we did kinda try this month but I have no real hope of anything which is ok.  I think I ovulated yesterday or today which is way way early since today is only CD 11 and I highly doubt any follicle would have had the chance to get big enough by CD 10 or 11!   But it just makes me glad that we decided to take one cycle off before doing the monitored natural cycle.  Hopefully by next month I will be back to normal so we can really see what, if anything, is going on.  And heck, I know ovulating early is way better than ovulating late so I’m not complaining.  It just means I get to my next cycle faster which is definitely a good thing!

That’s all for now!  I hope you all have a great weekend!  Ours will be pretty quiet which will be nice after last weekend!