Letting Go

Well, I had my follow-up appointment with my RE today.  But even before I went in, We had already decided what we were going to do and ironically, it was none of the options I listed Monday. 

Basically, we decided that we’re going to go au naturale for a cyle and probably from here on out.  I know this may sounds like a huge step backwards but to me, it’s not.  It’s just getting back to the basics.  Instead of trying to walk that fine line again of using injectibles, we decided we’d rather spend a month monitoring a natural cycle to see what my body does on it’s own and to work to fix the root of the problem. 

I admit I would have been ok with trying Femara and doing the monitoring with that but apparently my RE, as a rule, does not prescribe Femara (darn it) because it is not approved to be used for infertility (even though he knows it is used for that all the time).  But he did explain that in someone like me who is already ovulating regularly, an oral medication like Clomid or Femara really doesn’t boost your chances all that much.  

But the most important thing to me at this point is that I want to learn more about my body.  I want to know what it does on it’s own and what it has trouble with.  So far all I really know is that I do ovulate.  I get an LH surge (via pee sticks) and my BBT rises.  I’ve had a few 7 DPO progesterone level checks and they have been good, however each time that was done, was a Clomid (maybe causing a thin lining) + progesterone cycle.  

I have a pretty good feeling that during a natural cycle for me, my progesterone is not completely normal during the luteal phase.  I think this is why I always have 5-6 days of spotting before my period comes.  

I just keep thinking, maybe that’s why we haven’t gotten pregnant on our own during a normal cycle.  During a Clomid cycle, I was always using progesterone and never had any spotting.  But maybe while we fixed one problem (the spotting) we caused another (a thin lining due to Clomid).    

So doing a monitored natural cycle will tell me lots of things I’ve never known before.  Am I producing a follicle?  Is it growing at the proper rate?  Does it grow to the proper size before the LH surge?  Do my estrogen levels reflect the growth of the follicle?  Is my lining normal?  Does my own LH surge actually cause me to ovulate that follicle?    What is my progesterone level after ovulation?  How quickly does my progesterone drop after it peaks out during the luteal phase?  

During this cycle my RE also suggested doing a post-coital test right around ovulation time.  I know that many doctors question the accuracy of this test, but if the test comes back normal, I’m going to be way less inclined to do any more IUI’s.  My RE fully admitted that with counts like my husbands, IUI’s really don’t increase your chances much.  They would only really help us if I did have a hostile CM problem.  So hopefully this test will at least give us a clue.

So basically by doing all these things, I’m hoping I will be more confident down the road of trying on our own without constant monitoring.  If all I have to do is use Prochieve every month, or maybe Estrace, then that’s a heck of a lot more do-able, and affordable, than what I was doing.  And at least I will know I am helping my body to function normally as much as I can.  The rest, the actual miracle of life created, is up to God and His timing. 

And even though I had a momentary pang of disappointment because I felt like we should have done this at the beginning, I also have a real sense of peace about it.  I realized that God has had his hand in all of this, from day 1 of TTC.  He has brought me to this place for a reason and this whole process, while painful and slow, has brought me closer and closer to acceptance of my infertility and a deeper trust in God’s plan for my life.

I’m glad I tried two IUI cycles, because before I tried them, I figured it would be super easy to stimulate me to have a few follicles.  I kept thinking, “IUI’s could be the answer.”  But now I see the reality of it.  It is way more difficult than I had imagined it would be.   Now, at least, I wont always wonder “what if?”  So now I am feeling good about backing off and trusting God that someday, he will either bless us with a child or gives us the clear direction to proceed with Adoption.  It is a really good feeling and I haven’t felt this way in a long time!