On a Side Note

Can I just say how annoyed I was when I got my Health Insurance Company’s quarterly brochure in the mail yesterday.  It’s a pamphlet that gives general tips on staying healthy and information about their coverage and what not.

The reason I was annoyed was that it had a whole article entirely devoted to E D (e.rectile dy.sfunction).

Grrrrr!

And this is the insurance that will only pay for 1 insemination and if you choose to use it and it doesn’t work, then they cut you off entirely from ANY infertility coverage, including ultrasounds and labwork.

How completely unfair is that.  Some guy gets to have e.rections into his 90’s and I can’t be given an opportunity to fix a medical problem with my body.

When Pamela Jean over at Coming2Terms was featured in that NYT’s article about infertility, I was livid over some of the responses.  Particularly the ones that stated something to the effect that no one has a “right” to bear children and if you can’t, then too bad, get over it.

Someone there had the best response to that and I wish I could remember who, but they essentially stated that you could say the same thing about s.ex and E D.  Having s.ex is not a man’s God-given “Right.”  So if a guy can’t have s.ex…too frickin bad.  Maybe that means you weren’t meant to have s.ex so get over it.

So when I saw this article, I seriously wanted to write my company a letter stating as such.  How the heck can they treat E D and not infertility.  That is just wrong!

Too bad my company is in such a sorry financial state at the moment or I would.

Off to the Dunes

Thanks so much for all your support this week girls!  I just can’t even begin to tell you how much of a load has been lifted off of me! 

I’m also excited because we are going on our annual camping trip tomorrow for the weekend!   There are 5 couples that usually go and every year we go to the same place (sounds boring I know but it’s not!).  We just love the general location (Sleeping Bear Dunes on Lake Michigan) and even though we tend to do the same things, they are always still fun since we only get to do them once a year!

Our activities generally include climbing the sand dunes, relaxing on the beach of Lake Michigan, going wine tasting at the local vineyards, going to a movie at the Cherry Bowl Drive-in, stopping for ice cream daily at “The Pine Cone,” and of course hanging out around the campfire having a few drinks and reminiscing.  SOOOO Fun!  I can’t wait!

The only downside of this year is that we just found out that one of the couples, the ones that were always the main organizers of the trip itself, are getting a divorce.  That just really sucks.  The wife filed for divorce in April but we only just found out. 

I feel so bad for them.  I wish they could work it out someway, somehow.  I guess I am still holding out a little hope they could get back together , but I know the chances of that happening are slim to none.  The husband, M’s friend from college, already bought a condo and moved out.   I realize there are some cases that divorce is probably for the best (unfaithfulness or abuse) but with these guys, I think it was just general personality/opinion differences.  I just can’t imagine having to go through all that pain and heartache and then feel like you have to start all over from the beginning again?  Can that possible be the better option instead of doing everything you possibly can to make it work?  Obviously I don’t know all the details so am not judging them, but I just have a hard time believing that this is honestly for the best.

Hearing this news in the midst of our own marital struggles made both M and I even more determined to work through this.  It was just a reminder that no matter how bad it seems at times, divorce is not and will never be the answer for us.   So I guess despite it being such a sad thing, it was a good reminder for us.  It’s just that these are our first friends that are getting a divorce.  Sadly, I doubt they will be the last considering the statistics.

So…it will be really strange to have our friend (the husband) up camping without his wife.  She was always a lot of fun to be around and it will be sad to see him there alone.  But he has assured us that he really really wants to still do the camping trip, so we are still going.

We also have another counseling session tonight amidst the packing we still have to do.  But I am still looking forward to it!  Last week went really well and M and I have made definite progress,so hopefully things continue.  I think this trip will be so much better than our Bed and Breakfast weekend over the 4th of July.  Things are so much more resolved now that I know we will have even more fun together!  Yay!

On a side note, I have my nursing school interview on Monday afternoon so if you think of it, send a few prayers my way!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Letting Go

Well, I had my follow-up appointment with my RE today.  But even before I went in, We had already decided what we were going to do and ironically, it was none of the options I listed Monday. 

Basically, we decided that we’re going to go au naturale for a cyle and probably from here on out.  I know this may sounds like a huge step backwards but to me, it’s not.  It’s just getting back to the basics.  Instead of trying to walk that fine line again of using injectibles, we decided we’d rather spend a month monitoring a natural cycle to see what my body does on it’s own and to work to fix the root of the problem. 

I admit I would have been ok with trying Femara and doing the monitoring with that but apparently my RE, as a rule, does not prescribe Femara (darn it) because it is not approved to be used for infertility (even though he knows it is used for that all the time).  But he did explain that in someone like me who is already ovulating regularly, an oral medication like Clomid or Femara really doesn’t boost your chances all that much.  

But the most important thing to me at this point is that I want to learn more about my body.  I want to know what it does on it’s own and what it has trouble with.  So far all I really know is that I do ovulate.  I get an LH surge (via pee sticks) and my BBT rises.  I’ve had a few 7 DPO progesterone level checks and they have been good, however each time that was done, was a Clomid (maybe causing a thin lining) + progesterone cycle.  

I have a pretty good feeling that during a natural cycle for me, my progesterone is not completely normal during the luteal phase.  I think this is why I always have 5-6 days of spotting before my period comes.  

I just keep thinking, maybe that’s why we haven’t gotten pregnant on our own during a normal cycle.  During a Clomid cycle, I was always using progesterone and never had any spotting.  But maybe while we fixed one problem (the spotting) we caused another (a thin lining due to Clomid).    

So doing a monitored natural cycle will tell me lots of things I’ve never known before.  Am I producing a follicle?  Is it growing at the proper rate?  Does it grow to the proper size before the LH surge?  Do my estrogen levels reflect the growth of the follicle?  Is my lining normal?  Does my own LH surge actually cause me to ovulate that follicle?    What is my progesterone level after ovulation?  How quickly does my progesterone drop after it peaks out during the luteal phase?  

During this cycle my RE also suggested doing a post-coital test right around ovulation time.  I know that many doctors question the accuracy of this test, but if the test comes back normal, I’m going to be way less inclined to do any more IUI’s.  My RE fully admitted that with counts like my husbands, IUI’s really don’t increase your chances much.  They would only really help us if I did have a hostile CM problem.  So hopefully this test will at least give us a clue.

So basically by doing all these things, I’m hoping I will be more confident down the road of trying on our own without constant monitoring.  If all I have to do is use Prochieve every month, or maybe Estrace, then that’s a heck of a lot more do-able, and affordable, than what I was doing.  And at least I will know I am helping my body to function normally as much as I can.  The rest, the actual miracle of life created, is up to God and His timing. 

And even though I had a momentary pang of disappointment because I felt like we should have done this at the beginning, I also have a real sense of peace about it.  I realized that God has had his hand in all of this, from day 1 of TTC.  He has brought me to this place for a reason and this whole process, while painful and slow, has brought me closer and closer to acceptance of my infertility and a deeper trust in God’s plan for my life.

I’m glad I tried two IUI cycles, because before I tried them, I figured it would be super easy to stimulate me to have a few follicles.  I kept thinking, “IUI’s could be the answer.”  But now I see the reality of it.  It is way more difficult than I had imagined it would be.   Now, at least, I wont always wonder “what if?”  So now I am feeling good about backing off and trusting God that someday, he will either bless us with a child or gives us the clear direction to proceed with Adoption.  It is a really good feeling and I haven’t felt this way in a long time!

It’s a Bust

Yes, this cycle is indeed a bust. It was looking that way on Friday too with only 1 follicle at 10 mm, 1 follicle at 9, 1 follicle at 8 and the rest all smaller than that. But since my estrogen was still rising they said I could keep trying to stim over the weekend to see if things could get moving again. Nope, I went in this morning and the follicles were smaller. Blood work confirmed it, my estrogen level actually went down.

That sucks. I’m disappointed but not devastated. I’m just wondering where we go from here. We’re meeting with the RE on Thursday to discuss it.

I’m starting to lose hope though. It seems like we are looking for a miracle. Stimulate my ovaries just enough to have 4-5 good follicles but not so much that I have more than that. It’s too fine a line to walk it seems, especially since this whole thing is far from an exact science.

The way I see it, we have three choices when it comes to ART’s.

1.  We can either go forward with GIFT from the start. There will be little concern of having too many follicles so we will go forward with the goal of getting the best quality eggs possible. ($8000)

2.  We try another IUI cycle but with a different stimulation protocol. Something in between what we did last time, and what we did this time, obviously. ($2100) If we get too many follicles we could convert to GIFT (an additional $3000).

3.  We try another IUI either natural (no stims) or with something like Femara (since Clomid could have been to blame for my thin lining last time). ($2100 with little chance of having too many follicles)

I’m leaning towards option 3 but I’m a bit peeved at my RE’s office that they do not give you a price break if doing a Clomid/Femara only cycle. I don’t understand why they would still charge a “monitoring fee” when there’s really not much to be monitored. I get it when you’re using stimulation meds since you may need to change your dose from day to day. But on Clomid/Femara??? I can do my own OPK’s and just come in on the peak day to check follicle size prior to the actual IUI.

I will definitely be asking about this at our follow-up appointment on Thursday. I hope they are willing to work with us! Otherwise we may look elsewhere to be honest. 

I just figure if hostile cervical mucus is really our problem (which is what I’m thinking at this point since nothing else is apparently wrong) then why not do a natural IUI. If they’re cheap enough, we could do a whole bunch of them and hopefully end up pregnant. Instead of majorly messing with my hormones, paying an arm and a leg, all the while having the threat of canellation always looming over us.

If after 5 or 6 natural IUI’s we still had no success, then we would know it was something bigger than just hostile cervical mucus…ya know? At that point, I’m thinking we would just move on to adoption.

Hmmm…

By the way, my counseling session went really well last Thursday.  This Thursday is M’s turn.  Things are already turning around for us…definitely for the better.  I feel like we might actually be entering an upswing…finally!   Let me just say how much easier it makes getting through the disappointment of a canceled cycle!

Holding steady

I only have time for a quick update since I am studying for an exam tonight. 

Monday afternoon the nurse called and told me to increase my follistim dose to 75 IU’s each night and come back Wednesday for another u/s and b/w check.  She did say that the doctor wasn’t that concerned about the abnormality in my uterus, especially given we are doing an IUI.  I will raise this question again if we start seriously looking at GIFT, depending on how the follicles look in a few days.

As for the follicles, there wasn’t much of a change since Monday oddly enough.  But I guess the good news is that the only changes that did occur was that just a few of those 14 small follicles came within measuring range.  So we have about 8-9 follicles that are all around 7-8 mm each (which I know is still pretty small).  There are still even more follicles on the left side but they are all less than 7.  Hopefully they stay that way!  I stay at 75 IU’s again and go back on Friday and see what’s grown and what hasn’t.  I’m praying for just the right number! 

I’m going to post my b/w results here not because I think anyone’s interested, but more so I’ll have a record of it myself:  I’ll add Monday’s numbers to my last post too.

E2:  1052 
FSH:  10.5
LH:  4.6
P:  < 0.2

Sorry I have nothing more interesting to report!  Last night with M was actually a good one.  We had fun playing Wii together even though I totally should have been studying.  Did I mention we bought Wii last weekend!  I also made all sorts of new Wii people, affectionately called Mii’s.  You get to name them and everything…too fun!    It was nice to do something brainless and completely fun for a change!  Later…

Back again

Sorry for the long absence.  I was gone partly for bad reasons but also partly for good reasons!  I must admit after I posted last I was tired!  Tired of all the stress and tired of thinking about infertility.  I just needed a break.  Thankfully during my posting break, I also got a nice long break from work. 

M and I had the week of July 4th off.  The first couple days we just relaxed and did some fun stuff here and there (golfing and eating out).  On July 3rd, we drove up to Bellaire, Michigan to a B & B for two nights.  We actually had a pretty good time considering the circumstances.  We put all that stuff aside and enjoyed each other’s company. 

The ride home was a different story though.  We didn’t fight, in fact, we barely even talked.  But there was tension there and it really depressed me.  I was just reminded that we still have a ways to go with working through this.  Unfortunately that put a damper on the whole weekend.  We did have another long talk on Saturday night and are doing ok again.  Our talk, even though it was a bit stressful, brought out a few more things that I’m sure are a factor in our “issue.”  

Thankfully I have my first appointment on Thursday with a counselor that Soapchick recommended.  I’m HIGHLY looking forward to talking with her although I know there is a lot of paperwork at the first visit.  I have so much I need to get out.  I wish the appointment was tonight.  I guess I am just so anxious to have some help with working through what I’m feeling.

On top of all of this, we decided to continue with the IUI this cycle (we decided this early last week and maybe not the best idea).  So not only am I a bit tense about this issue, but now I’ve got hormones flooding my system on top of it.  Ok, maybe flooding is a strong word considering I’m taking such a low dose of the meds, but I can tell it’s affecting me none-the-less.

At the initial u/s last Wednesday (CD 2) I had 5 antral follicles on each side.  Yesterday (CD 6) I had another u/s and b/w.  Believe it or not I had 5 follicles on the right side and 15 (yes I said 15) on the left.  

This whole thing just strikes me as very ironic and very annoying.  How come there’s a boatload of women (those going through IVF) that would KILL to have 20 follicles growing by CD 6 but only have a few!   And then the person who wants, and needs, the exact opposite to happen (me) ends up with 20.  It is just so not fair, especially since IVF is out of the question for us.  Anyone doing IVF wanna trade?

So the small silver lining to all of this is that my lining is already way thicker (7.9 mm) than it was last time at the very end (5.3 mm).  So this opens the door to possibly do GIFT but that’s still quite a big step for us.  The one downside to GIFT at this point is that while my lining was already looking quite plump, there was also a small part of the lining that had an abnormality/inconsistancy.  The doctor said (through the nurse) that with an IUI it shouldn’t be a big deal.  But I need more info on what makes him think that and how his opinion might change when considering GIFT instead of an IUI.

They did have me increase my meds for the next two days so that maybe a few of the follicles would become dominant and stop the others from growing.  But considering what happened last time I have little hope of this happening.  So basically there is a very big chance we will be canceling this cycle.  

Thankfully, I am not getting too worked up about this though because I know God is in control.  Maybe we shouldn’t have continued with this cycle anyway considering we aren’t exactly in the best place in our marriage.  But at the same time time, this is something we both really really want and so it just seemed wrong to stop just because we happened to be in that place at that exact moment.  Especially since we are still pursuing help with it at the same time.

Ok, enough babbling for me today.  Thanks for your comments the last few days checking in on me.  I think I’ll be around more now that I’m at work again!  I’m sorry if I miss some of your posts though.  There’s no way I can catch up completely on blog reader!  It is a bit out of control at the moment!

Bloodwork Results

E2:  647
FSH:  10.8
LH:  4.4
P:  0.3