A bump in the road

So M and I had a good talk last night.  I spent most of the evening away from home because I just wasn’t ready to deal with it yet.   I spent part of that time praying.  I prayed for God to change M’s heart so that we wouldn’t have this problem anymore, I prayed for strength for me to get professional help for us and I prayed for God to help me to forgive him.   

By the time I got home it was about 9:00 and he was already in bed with the lights out.  I wasn’t sure if he was sleeping but I watched tv until about 10:30 and then went to get ready for bed.  As I climbed into bed, he asked me how I was doing.  I said ok. 

I asked him how long he’d been sleeping and he said he’d been laying there since 8:00 but hadn’t really been sleeping.   I guess he was just laying there thinking about things.  I told him I was going to go see a counselor to help me deal with things.  He asked me if it was more because of the infertility or more because of him.   I said it was 70% infertility and 30% him.  He asked me if I wanted him to go with me (he asked that in a way to suggest he was offering to go with me).  I told him that yes, I’d like him to go eventually, but that I needed to go on my own to start and work through my own feelings of insecurity about our infertility and within out marriage.  He basically said he felt really bad about everything and wants to change. 

It was the first time he has ever admitted that he was in the wrong in this issue.  I was shocked and yet incredibly relieved.  Finally it was a step in the right direction.  So for now we are ok, but I am still somewhat wary.  It’s going to take a lot more than a few words of apology to convince me that he’s serious.   Since feelings don’t change overnight, I’m sure he still feels the same about the issue deep down so somehow he’s got to figure out how to work through it and let it go.  So I’m definitely still going to pursue counseling for me and for us eventually.  I think it’s the only way for us to work through it properly so we can fix this problem for good.  I want him to figure out why he acts the way he does and why I respond the way I do.  We need to get to the root of the problem and fix that so this issue never comes up again. 

I’m sorry this is all so cryptic but I just don’t think it’s the place to air our dirty laundry in detail since a few people I know IRL read this blog, but the principles are still the same. 

I know we will work through this just fine, it’s just a bump in the road, like every marriage has.  I know God has a plan for us and this is just part of our journey.  I know God is ultimately molding us into the people He wants us to be and that takes time and patience and yes, sometimes a little hurt.

Thanks so much for all your encouraging words and suggestions.  I definitely took them to heart.  We still have to talk about whether or not we’re doing this cycle, but we still have a few days to decide.  As for our trip, we are still going to go.  It might be just what we need to get back on an upswing again.  I just love those and I miss being in one!