It finally hit me

So I was doing pretty good yesterday during the day, but as the afternoon dragged on, I was feeling worse.  I think it was finally hitting me. 

And after all the nice comments you all left yesterday about me being strong…let’s just say by 9:00pm I wasn’t feeling nearly so strong.  But I’m ok admitting that, I’m human after all.  I knew all that pent up disappointment had to come out at some time.  I’m just amazed it didn’t hit me sooner. 

I think the final straw breaking was due to my own stupid curiosity.  I looked up an old friend from college online and found her fairly quickly.   She doesn’t have a blog but had a website.  Apparently she now sells baby slings online.  She had a picture of herself with her sweet little boy and it just all hit me.  I had heard she had a baby but seeing such a great picture and hearing her talk about her loving husband and beautiful son, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just broke down.  (Why, oh why, would I look her up on THAT day of all days?)

The worst part was, M was not around.  He wasn’t gone, like he had something he had to do, he was just out tinkering around in the garage all night (he owns a couple classic cars). The longer he was out there, the more depressed and lonely I felt.  I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem all that affected by the BFN.  I just felt like everything about this cycle had been laid on my shoulders and it just hurt.  I felt like I was just cracking under the pressure. 

To his credit, he thought I was studying for my exam Wednesday and I was…at first.  I did until I could no longer concentrate on something as boring as microbiology.  At that point, I just needed him.  I needed a hug from my best friend, my partner in all of this, telling me it was ok and that we would try again and that no matter how, we would be parents someday.  I wanted to know that I was not alone and the pain I felt wasn’t just mine, but ours.  Ya know?

I finally sent him a text (dorky I know) telling him that I was having a hard time and that I needed him.  Of course he came right in and apologized.  He felt bad that he didn’t realize I was feeling that way, he just thought I was studying and needed to be left alone.  I assured him that I just needed support from the him and he was quick to offer it once he knew. 

I feel a lot better today although it is still stinging a bit.  I have to pretty much not talk about it now or I get a little teary.  I am trying to remember my “do not worry” plan and am just praying for strength to move on to the next step.       

Thanks for all your kind words yesterday.  It has been so nice having so much support the past couple days.  I guess I picked a good time to finish up a cycle.  Right in the middle of NaComLeavMo! 

I saw that someone else had posted a question on their blog for NCLM visitors so they might find it easier to post a comment.  I thought that was a great idea so here is my question of the day:

What is one goal you’d like to accomplish in your lifetime not including having a baby?

I think my goal would be to be able to retire at a decent age and still have enough money to travel around the world for a few years.  I haven’t been able to travel nearly as much as I would like.  My hubby and I are just too anal about saving money .  We find it extremely hard to fork over that much money just to take a trip.  Dumb, I know but that’s how we are…for now at least.  What about you?