A bump in the road

So M and I had a good talk last night.  I spent most of the evening away from home because I just wasn’t ready to deal with it yet.   I spent part of that time praying.  I prayed for God to change M’s heart so that we wouldn’t have this problem anymore, I prayed for strength for me to get professional help for us and I prayed for God to help me to forgive him.   

By the time I got home it was about 9:00 and he was already in bed with the lights out.  I wasn’t sure if he was sleeping but I watched tv until about 10:30 and then went to get ready for bed.  As I climbed into bed, he asked me how I was doing.  I said ok. 

I asked him how long he’d been sleeping and he said he’d been laying there since 8:00 but hadn’t really been sleeping.   I guess he was just laying there thinking about things.  I told him I was going to go see a counselor to help me deal with things.  He asked me if it was more because of the infertility or more because of him.   I said it was 70% infertility and 30% him.  He asked me if I wanted him to go with me (he asked that in a way to suggest he was offering to go with me).  I told him that yes, I’d like him to go eventually, but that I needed to go on my own to start and work through my own feelings of insecurity about our infertility and within out marriage.  He basically said he felt really bad about everything and wants to change. 

It was the first time he has ever admitted that he was in the wrong in this issue.  I was shocked and yet incredibly relieved.  Finally it was a step in the right direction.  So for now we are ok, but I am still somewhat wary.  It’s going to take a lot more than a few words of apology to convince me that he’s serious.   Since feelings don’t change overnight, I’m sure he still feels the same about the issue deep down so somehow he’s got to figure out how to work through it and let it go.  So I’m definitely still going to pursue counseling for me and for us eventually.  I think it’s the only way for us to work through it properly so we can fix this problem for good.  I want him to figure out why he acts the way he does and why I respond the way I do.  We need to get to the root of the problem and fix that so this issue never comes up again. 

I’m sorry this is all so cryptic but I just don’t think it’s the place to air our dirty laundry in detail since a few people I know IRL read this blog, but the principles are still the same. 

I know we will work through this just fine, it’s just a bump in the road, like every marriage has.  I know God has a plan for us and this is just part of our journey.  I know God is ultimately molding us into the people He wants us to be and that takes time and patience and yes, sometimes a little hurt.

Thanks so much for all your encouraging words and suggestions.  I definitely took them to heart.  We still have to talk about whether or not we’re doing this cycle, but we still have a few days to decide.  As for our trip, we are still going to go.  It might be just what we need to get back on an upswing again.  I just love those and I miss being in one!

In a fog

So after feeling better last week I am again faced with some major issues in my life and in my marriage.  I know all marriages have issues but this is an issue that keeps resurfacing again and again and I’m tired of it.  I can honestly say that I feel no love for him right now.   I’m not saying I don’t still love him but I don’t feel any of it at the moment.  I don’t even want to go on the trip we had planned for next week.  I cannot imagine having to spend 3 whole days with him.  I have nothing to say anymore.

I am just so incredibly frustrated with my husband and cannot believe that he treats me the way he does sometimes.   Don’t worry, it’s nothing terrible like abuse or cheating or anything, but it hurts all the same.  I just am not feeling very good my marriage at the moment and it saddens me that I feel this way just as we are approaching another attempt at infertility treatments.  I am basically thinking I want to cancel it for now and maybe try again next cycle.  I just don’t want to have this hanging over my head.  I want to do treatments when I am feeling in love and happy in my marriage, not when I feel like this.  It just feels wrong and I don’t want to waste the money or effort on something that probably wont even work due to all this stress I’m feeling. 

Sorry to have a “feeling better” post and another “I’m depressed” post right afterwards.  I know I will make it and I know our marriage will make it (as divorce is never an option) but it’s also not going to be pleasant for awhile.

Maybe I will bring up the exact issue later and see what you all thing about it.  Maybe I am way off base but for now, it is still too raw.

Thanks so much for all your comments and concerns.  Again, I’m so sorry I didn’t hit the “publish” button after my last post and left you all worried.   Sorry to be such a downer again.  It just takes time to let go of the hurt, ya know.

Coming Along

Whoops, I had written this last week and thought I posted it.  I was wondering why everyone was asking if things were better.  Then I realized I had saved this post but never published it.  Well, here it is, a little late.

________________________________

Well, M and I had a nice talk Wednesday night.  He could tell I was depressed and wanted to know if he was the reason.  I just explained what I mentioned in my post Wednesday.  Essentially that I feel like all the decisions we’ve made about TTC and/or adoption have been only what he approves.

He definitely understood.  But he explained that the only reason it always works out that way is because I am the one who is always gung ho for everything (not even in just the TTC areas of our life).  He feels like our personalities balance each other.  I am the excitable, “let’s do this and let’s do that” kinda person and he is the “wait, let’s stop and think about this, do we really need to do that” kind of person.    So many times I end up encouraging/pushing him to try something new and yet other times, he ends up putting the brakes on my latest plan.  It usually never happens in the reverse.

So he just explained that he doesn’t do that just to be mean or crush my spirit.  He appreciates that I push him to try new things that he wouldn’t try on his own but he can’t always go along with everything and when that happens, I am going to be left disappointed.   That made sense.  It’s just that in the moment of disappointment it’s hard to remember that.  But I will try and keep that in mind for the next time.

I also explained to him that I was frustrated that he seemed so willing to wait 2 or 3 years to get our child when I am literally hurting every day because of it.  I told him I just didn’t know how I was going to handle 2 or 3 more years of these feelings.  I mean, I guess it probably gets a little easier once you stop trying altogether.  But I know it wont go away completely. 

He was very sympathetic and sweet and said he was so sorry that I felt like that all the time.  He wished it didn’t hurt me so much and felt sorry that he didn’t feel as bad as I did.  But I guess I don’t want him to feel this pain either.  So I can’t be mad at him for not hurting too.  That would just be selfish of me. 

Anyway, the conversation lifted my spirits even though the outcome is the same.  M also reminded me that I can always push out the start of nursing school a little later.  They have a new “start” every 4 months, so if I want these extra 4 months of treatments back to have a better chance at a adoption match, I can just wait until the next start date.  Not that I want to delay nursing school but if I had to choose between starting nursing school 4 months later or finally getting our child a year and half later, the choice is obvious!

So thank you all so much for your kind words.  I know I was just being complainy yesterday but sometimes you just need to vent. 

So I’m trying to get my focus back on the upcoming cycle…i.e. what I do have, instead of what I don’t have.  I still need to take my prescriptions in to be filled.  I’m thinking CD1 will be sometime around July 1 which will work out perfectly. 

Both M and I have that whole week off of work (hallelujah) and I will be able to get my initial blood work and u/s done on July 2.  July 3 we are leaving to go up north to a Bed and Breakfast in Harbor Springs Michigan for a few days.  I cannot wait!  I think it will be the perfect way to get recharged for another round of crazy hormones!  Hopefully all that relaxation will convince my ovaries and uterus to cooperate this time!

So on a completely different topic…I wanted to comment on So You Think You Can Dance (aka: SYTYCD).  I love this show!  Last season was the first season I watched and I fell in love.  I wish I could somehow get the first two seasons on DVD so I could watch them, but they are not available on DVD yet.  Darn!

I just watched both episodes for this week last night (I recorded Wednesday’s show).  My favorite couples so far are Katee and Josh, and Twitchington.  But I also like Chelsea Hightower and Mark, Will and Jess, and Courtni and Gev.  I know that’s practically everyone but there area  few I’m not as big a fan of.  I can honestly say I was satisfied with the eliminations last night.  I will narrow it down a little more as I get to see more performances.

I thought Mia Michels was pretty harsh on most of the girls this week…geesh.   I didn’t get how she could be so hard on the girls (many of whom I thought did a great job) and just sing praises galore for the guys.  Overall, I thought all the judges were hard on the contestants.  Maybe this is because last week’s performance were so good, and this week’s were not quite as impressive.  It just seemed like the judges expectations were very very high of everyone so very few even got positive comments.    I will be interested to see how the season progresses!

On another completely different topic, I realized last night that my rose carpet that looks gorgeous at the moment is being eaten alive by little bity worm-like insects.  Grrrrr!!!  I was ticked!  They were all over them devouring all the leaves!  When I saw them, I went into renegade mode.  I was going to kill those little suckers!  I broke off a leaf that had one on it, I put it in a zip-lock bag and drove straight to the nearest nursery for guidance.  They gave me the proper ammunition and I went home and just blasted them!  Can you tell I was mad!  I will be checking again tonight to happily admire the carnage and to make sure there were no survivors! 

I wish I would have seen it happening sooner but I think I caught them in the nick of time.  So the rose carpet should recover ok…Whew!

Ok, enough time wasting for me!  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!  I think the fact that it’s Friday has definitely helped to boost my spirits.  It should be a good one for me! 

More frustrations

So I have been wanting to get started with the adoption process these last few weeks.  We already met with one agency and had learned a lot more about a few others.  We had pretty much narrowed it down to two. 

The agency we actually met with was our local Catholic Agency.  They are pretty small but also don’t have too many waiting couples.  When the women at the agency said that they primarily have Caucasian birth mothers,  M asked about the different nationalities, specifically Italian.  She mentioned they have had some Italian birthmothers.  From that moment on, my husband was like “this is our agency.”

Needless to say, my husband is half Italian.  He is very proud of this despite the fact that his mother is the Italian one and therefore he doesn’t even get the Italian name out of the deal.  You could “almost” say that he is an Italian snob.  He never tells people he’s Irish (he’s half Irish too) but he frequently tells people he’s Italian.  He is in love with the Godfather movies and anything Italian.  He thinks he is pretty bad-ass because he is Italian…um…half Italian.  

I guess I can understand this to a certain extent.  His mom (who I love) has been a big influence in His life and definitely raised him to be proud of his Italian roots.  His grandparents on his mother’s side were actually born in Italy (I’m fairly certain).  His father on the other hand, doesn’t talk much about being Irish.   I get it…to a point.

So the second the agency worker said that they do get Italian birthmothers, he was sold.  He didn’t seem to care that this agency required most of their $12,000 fee up front leaving only a small percentage for after the adoption was finalized.   Since I have always been of the opinion that we should maybe get going on the adoption thing, even while still pursuing a few last IUI’s, this was not good news.  I knew there was no way we could risk losing $10,000 if our treatments ended up working and we got pregnant.

So the past few weeks I have tried getting in touch with the second agency we were considering.  This is the agency we already filled out all the preliminary paperwork (only a couple pages of questions).  “We” (but obviously only I) had delayed sending in the application until we officially decided on an agency.  I still needed to hear more about this second agency’s fee schedule before making that decision.  Up until today, I had been playing phone tag with the social worker but I got around to calling her again today and she was there.

Apparently, this agency only charges $200 for the initial application and then $1500 to start the homestudy process.  Then another $1500 is due at the final home visit.  The balance is due closer to when you get matched.  So this was good news to me. I thought that it was great that we’d only have to pay $1700 to get the ball rolling. 

Since I know it can take 3-4 months to complete the homestudy, I figured it would be great to get started just in case these IF treatments don’t end up working for us.  It would help take the pressure off of me during these next few months since we would have a “Plan B” waiting in the wings.  This is especially important to me considering that if we do end up going with adoption, we have a somewhat limited time (about 11 months) to finish the whole process and get matched before I have to start school.  If that 11 months passes and we don’t have a match, we will have to pull our names off the list for a year or so until I finish my nursing degree.  I could possibly postpone school for another 4 months but that would only be if we had a potential match situation near the end of that 11 months.  I don’t want to put off school forever.  I am ready to be done with this job.

So I called M, to tell him the good news.  I thought the fact that we would only have to risk about $1700 was perfect.  Apparently I was wrong.  He was not thrilled with the idea at all.  He is all about waiting until we are completely done trying IF treatments.   He doesn’t seem to care that if we don’t start this now, chances are we wont start the process for at least another year and a half or so, once I’m almost done with nursing school.   

If we wait to start the adoption process until we are done with treatments, which is what he wants to do, we will only have 6 months or so to complete it.  What would the point of that be?  It is quite unlikely that could finish the whole home study and be matched within that short of time frame.  So we would probably just wait until I was almost done with nursing school which is 2+ years.  It’s just so hard to think that my baby is still so far away!  The thought just makes me want to cry all over again. 

Just when I was feeling better, I got my hopes up without consulting M first.  So now they are dashed again.  I really thought he would be ok with this.  I didn’t realize $1700 was so important to him.  I also feel like he is still convinced that “Italiano Catholic Agency” (kidding here) is the best one for us, even though I’m sure the number of Italian birthmothers they actually have are about 1%!   If we stick with his line of thinking and wait for an Italian child, we will probably not be matched for another 5 -10 years.  But hey, what’s the rush? (eyes rolling)

It’s just frustrating.  M doesn’t seem to mind the thought of waiting 2+ years to get our child.  I obviously don’t feel the same.  In my opinion, I have been waiting 4-1/2 years for a child already.  He was the one that wanted to wait a few years to start trying.  I agree that I went along with it because I saw the value of allowing our marriage to strengthen, but I was still waiting!  Now I am tired of waiting.  Every month that goes by just hurts so much.  I don’t think I can handle that for another 2 years!  It makes me sick just thinking about it.

I don’t understand why we can’t do both.  We know we’re not going to try too many more IUI’s, but when you have to take a cycle off between each try, we’re talking at least 4 more months until we’ll give up, possibly longer if we end up having to cancel a cycle which is a good possibility.  

I know he would prefer our own biological child and he hates the thought of spending unnecessary money on something that we may not need.  I think he sees that money as being just one more IUI we could possibly use to try for a biological child.  But with our current track record, we have to be realistic and know that our chances are not that good.    

We will talk about it more tonight but I have no reason to believe he will feel any differently then.  And I am quite familiar with who wins when it comes to making decisions about us having children.

I just can’t stand the thought of waiting two more years.  A lot can, and will, happen in two more years.

Two more years that our friends and family will continue having more babies…

Two more years of frequent reminders that I am not a mother…

Two more Mother’s Days I will be sitting instead of standing…

Two more Christmas Days without having any exciting reason to get out of bed…

Two more years of baby showers that I just can’t feel 100% joyful about…

And if two years doesn’t sound like much in the grand scheme of life, that’s at least 730 more days of pain and heartache I will have to struggle to handle with grace.

I think I need to spend some serious time in prayer tonight. 

Withdrawing…

I’m sorry to say that I am withdrawing from NaComLeavMo.  I got behind last week and just didn’t have the energy to keep up.  Work was incredibly stressful and I felt like I was falling into bed every night after I got home from work or class. 

I know it’s only 6 comments a day but that also required reading a great deal of each new blog before commenting in order to leave a nice, well-informed comment.  That was what I had trouble with! 

I was also falling short in my comments on my regular blogs I read and in responding to e-mails fromfriends.  So as much as I enjoyed reading new blogs, and I did find some great new ones, I’m going to have to bow out this time. 

I commend all of your who are still going strong though.  Best of luck as you finish out the month!

 

Time of Renewing

Sorry I’ve been gone for a bit.  I’m sure you all understand, I needed a break.  But the time away was not sorrowful.  It has actually been a time of renewed hope and trust in God, despite it being an especially busy and distressing week at my job. 

All I have to say is that I am blessed to have a good God who has never left my side, even when I’ve been angry or questioned His plan.  And the peace He’s given me this last week has been more than I could have hoped for.

I found another blog recently that has been such an encouragement to me.  I still haven’t read through all the posts yet (there are a lot!) but I wanted to share a link to a post she wrote last year that just really hit home for me.  The blog is called “Entrusted” by Andrea.

The post that hit me the hardest was a testimony she must have given at her church.  I felt like I could have almost written it myself.  I asked Andrea if it would be ok to link to it on my blog and she said that was fine!  Here is the link to her full Testimony.  But I wanted to include the portion of the post that struck me so deeply.  I’m sure that many other Christians struggling with infertility will be encouraged by it too! 

When we ask why we have not been allowed to conceive when it happens so easily for others, when we ask why God will not heal us or answer our please to have children, there are no easy answers.  But as every false hope is stripped away, we find a firm hope in our Savior.  When we think that conception is impossible for us, we remember that all things are possible with the One who became incarnate through a virgin birth.  When we wonder if we could earn children by just praying harder or by learning some spiritual lesson, we recall that our actions will always fall short of earning us anything, but that Jesus lived a perfect life on our behalf.  When we are tempted to see infertility as some sort of cosmic punishment, we rest in the truth that we are justified in Christ who once and for all turned away the wrath of God by bearing it on the cross.  When we worry that the Lord has forsaken us and favored other couples, we revisit the cries of the Son forsaken by His Father so that we would never be.  When we feel like no one understands the depth of our heartache, we return to Gethsemane and witness the Savior with a soul sorrowful to the point of death, intimately acquainted with anguish.  When we lose the words and the faith to ask again and again for a child, we rely on the Great High Priest who intercedes on our behalf before the throne of God.  When our bodies feel broken, when our flesh fails, when we weep and wail, we raise our eyes to the Risen One who will restore His fallen creation and wipe away every tear.  The gospel proves God’s sovereignty and goodness, even when we have no idea how God will work infertility to a good end.  We have no guarantees that we will ever have children but we do have a secure salvation.

-Andrea from entrustedsoul.blogspot.com

I don’t think anything needs to be added to this.  What a beautiful way of looking at this struggle.  Thanks Andrea for sharing this…even though it was almost a year ago!  I know God led me to your post so I could be encouraged and strengthened by it! 

Thinking

So this morning after dragging myself out of bed again I was getting ready for work and I started thinking about the comments you all left yesterday.   I can’t even begin to tell you how much they helped.   I still wasn’t feeling entirely over it but I certainly felt better than I did yesterday. 

So as I was sitting at my bathroom vanity getting ready, I started thinking about God and what his plan was for me.  I went back to the question of “why did God choose this path for us?”  And I thought of Mrs. Spit’s comment that we live in a fallen world.  At first this thought makes me mad (not mad at Mrs. Spit just mad at the concept itself) because how come there’s all sorts of “bad” people in the world who get pregnant without a thought.  Then there’s even the ones who are nice people but who don’t have faith in God at all.  Not that I wish infertility on anyone else at all, but why us? 

We love God, we have a personal relationship with Him, we pray and go to church regularly, and to M and I, our faith is so much more than what we “do” it is what we ”are.”  So how come we get the short end of the stick?  Am I more “fallen” than all the fertiles out there in the world?

But then I thought of Job in the Bible.  He was a godly man and Satan essentially picked Job to torment just to see if he would hold strong to his faith.   Yes, God allowed it to happen but God didn’t pick Job, Satan did.  So it just hit me that God didn’t pick us to go through this, Satan did.  And who better person for him to pick on than someone who already has faith in God so he can weaken them and hopefully draw them away from Him.

I don’t want to be a person that lets Satan have his way.  I want to be strong and have faith no matter what.  It goes back to THIS post again and again.  I want to have faith, even if my whole life goes to hell.  It’s just tough to live out, especially when you’re having an especially bad day.

So then as I was driving to work listening to the Christian radio station this morning, they did the morning devotionals.  It was Romans 8:28:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (NIV)

So when I got to work I looked this verse up online so I could see the different versions.  The Message Bible had a really interesting version.  In this version Romans 8:26-28 were clumped together.  This is what it said:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired of waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.  If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.  He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.  He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God.  That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. (The Message)

Wow!  It was cool seeing these verses in The Message version.  I find it very ironic that it uses the phrase “pregnant condition” to illustrate the aching groans and the waiting.   

So then right after the radio show read these verses and prayed, this song came on.  It is called “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns.  It is a great song was so fitting for me to hear today. 

I was sure by now, that You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen” 
Yet it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, no matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried, You hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Cool how God can work in your heart even during the drive into work!  I’m not 100% yet but I’m feeling much better.  I know that just because I have faith in God’s plan, it doesn’t just automatically take away all the sadness.  But I am definitely not feeling as angry and bitter as I was yesterday.  Thank you all for listening to me vent and for all your kind words.  I wish I could take away this hurt for everyone else going through this too.

I hate this

Geez, just when I think I’m doing better I find myself in a slump again.  Last night I heard about someone else who is pregnant and it got me down.  I just feel like M and I are nice people, so it just seems wrong that we are the only one in our several groups of friends who can’t get pregnant.  (not like anyone deserves it, but why us?)  I just have had these thoughts going through my head like ”God just doesn’t want us to have a child” and when that sinks in and I believe it…it hurts.

I was all hopeful last week with our new plan but now all my hope seems to have left the building.  The new plan just seems so far away and even then success is not even remotely guaranteed. 

We hung out with some friends last night and they just don’t/can’t get it.   I love them to death but they can’t possibly understand how hard this is for us.  They say things like “don’t worry, it’s going to happen” and I want to just break down and say “You don’t know that!  So stop saying it,” but I don’t.  I just paste on a smile and think about how good it’s going to feel to cry later, to let it out.

By the time I got home from our friend’s house I just wanted to crawl in bed and never get out.  I just hate this.  I hate that my body doesn’t work.  I hate that knowing my body doesn’t work makes me not give a crap about being healthy.  I just want to eat like a pig and lay in bed all day!  I hate that God picked us to go through this.  I hate that when our friends gush about their kids, it hurts me even though they have every right to gush about their kids. I hate seeing pictures of a happy couple in the hospital just after having their first baby because I think to myself that will never be me and M.  I hate that it hurts when my parents gush about their grandkids because they should be able to do that…I just want them to be able to gush about my kids too.  I hate that sometimes I just get so down and depressed that I can’t see (or refuse to see) all the amazing things I have in my life. 

I just need a break…from life, not just from TTC.  I need a break from work…a long break.  I hate my job and I don’t want to be here.  I don’t give a crap about it at the moment even though I have a lot going on.  I honestly feel bad for my co-workers because I am in such a foul mood.   Is there such a thing as a mental health leave of absence.  I think a good 6-8 weeks away from here would do wonders for my attitude.  Sigh…wishful thinking. 

This too shall pass.  I just wish it would pass for good.

NCLM Question of the Day

Ok, so I so enjoyed all the answers the last time I did this I figured I’d try it again:

So what is your biggest regret in life? 

What did you learn from it? 

If you could go back and change it, would you?

I think my biggest regret was joining a sorority in undergraduate school and all that entailed.  I knew another Christian girl in it who convinced me it wasn’t just all about partying so I joined.  Well, once I was in, I realized that even though it wasn’t ALL about partying.  It was 90% about partying.  I ended up doing a lot of things that I probably wouldn’t have done had I not joined the sorority.  I ended up deactivating after my sophmore year because it was just not for me. 

I learned a lot from it but just basic stuff (don’t smoke, don’t drink too much).  The main thing was that I realized that I didn’t want to turn out like most of my sorority sisters.  So if I could go back, I probably would change it and not join.  I doubt my life would be that much different today but I would have gone through a lot less hurts than I would have had I not joined.

But I agree with most of you guys that a lot of crap I went through I probably wouldn’t change because it would change who I am.  But the one I mentioned above, I don’t think changing that would change who I am very much, if at all.  But those few years were a pretty low point so I wish I could just erase them if I could.

Plan B (and C and D)

Hey Everyone,  Thanks so much for all your encouraging words.  I know I say this repeatedly but I just want to keep saying it so you know how much it means to me!   I couldn’t make it through this without all your support and words of wisdom.  It is just nice to know that I’m not crazy to be feeling this way.  It has definitely been a roller coaster week but I’m already feeling 1000 times better.

So yesterday I had my follow-up appointment with my RE.  First of all, I got to meet with my preferred RE.  I thought that I was meeting with the one I didn’t like as much due to availability.  But when the doctor walked in, it was the one I like so much better! 

First we talked about why our last IUI probably failed.  He said that any time you do an aspiration, it reduces your chances because of the “trauma” you do to your ovaries.  There can be bleeding and whatnot which doesn’t help things out.  So we’d like to avoid doing that again.  I’d rather just cancel the cycle altogether.  If we cancel, we’ll only be out $500-$1000.  If we go forward with the aspiration, we’ll end up paying about $3000 and not even have that chance of success.

So for this next cycle, we are for sure going to try for an IUI but this time we will only use injectible meds but in very low doses.  Our RE feels that with injectibles alone you usually get the best quality eggs.  This is why they pretty much never have IVF couples use the clomid/Injectibles combination anymore. 

The other advantage to doing injectibles only, is that Clomid has been known to contribute to a thin lining which was part of my problem last time.  This time, they will have me take Estrace during the cycle to help the lining thicken up even more.  I asked about started it the cycle before hand like Kelly mentioned in her comment but they said that with someone my age, they typically don’t do that unless it continues to be a problem.

One concern with doing injectibles only is the possibility of over stimulating me again.  The other concern is actually under stimulating me, due to the low dose of the meds.  The RE said that sometimes if it takes too long to get the follicles growing, it can reduce the quality of the eggs (although I do know a few people who took awhile to grow follicles that still did end up getting pregnant that cycle).   So basically it is a really fine line we’re walking between over-stimming and under-stimming. 

M and I decided though that we will be willing to cancel if things aren’t looking good at the early ultrasounds.  If it looks like my lining is thin again, we’ll cancel.  If it looks like we might have too many follicles, we might cancel.  

However, we do have one other option if I again make too many follicles.  That option is GIFT.  GIFT is another one of the “neither approved nor disapproved” ART’s according to the Catholic Church so we’d still be ok with it.  GIFT used to be done a lot more often because it had even better success rates than IVF.  However, IVF has improved so much in the last ten years that it has surpassed GIFT in terms of success rates so it is rarely done anymore.   With GIFT the fertilization of the embryos occurs naturally inside my body (hopefully).   I’m pretty sure that is why it is not disapproved by the Catholic Church.

The cost of GIFT is quite a bit more than an IUI (about double) but only a little more than an IUI w/ aspiration.   So we will seriously consider doing that if I end up over stimulating again.  It will just depend. 

The success rates for GIFT are a lot better than just a stimulated IUI, so it might be worth it.  The doctor suggested that if we do end up doing GIFT, that we put in 3 or less eggs.  With 3 eggs, there is a 10% chance of triplets, 20% chance of twins and 30-40% chance of pregnancy altogether (all percentages are approx.  I can’t remember the exact numbers).  I think the success rate of a stimulated IUI is 10-20%.  So GIFT would definitely be a better option.  We just have to decide if it is worth it to pay the extra money.  But we will just see how things go and then make the decision once we get to that point.

Whew, that was a lot of info and probably boring for most of you.  But since I haven’t really seen anyone talk about GIFT in our community lately, I figured I would share what I learned. 

I have been feeling tons better today despite hearing about news about someone else getting pregnant.   It definitely stung a little but that is life.  

Ok, I gotta run.  I am heading off to the gym.  Time to get back into shape!  I only have 4-6 weeks before my next “break” for the next cycle! 

It finally hit me

So I was doing pretty good yesterday during the day, but as the afternoon dragged on, I was feeling worse.  I think it was finally hitting me. 

And after all the nice comments you all left yesterday about me being strong…let’s just say by 9:00pm I wasn’t feeling nearly so strong.  But I’m ok admitting that, I’m human after all.  I knew all that pent up disappointment had to come out at some time.  I’m just amazed it didn’t hit me sooner. 

I think the final straw breaking was due to my own stupid curiosity.  I looked up an old friend from college online and found her fairly quickly.   She doesn’t have a blog but had a website.  Apparently she now sells baby slings online.  She had a picture of herself with her sweet little boy and it just all hit me.  I had heard she had a baby but seeing such a great picture and hearing her talk about her loving husband and beautiful son, it just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I just broke down.  (Why, oh why, would I look her up on THAT day of all days?)

The worst part was, M was not around.  He wasn’t gone, like he had something he had to do, he was just out tinkering around in the garage all night (he owns a couple classic cars). The longer he was out there, the more depressed and lonely I felt.  I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem all that affected by the BFN.  I just felt like everything about this cycle had been laid on my shoulders and it just hurt.  I felt like I was just cracking under the pressure. 

To his credit, he thought I was studying for my exam Wednesday and I was…at first.  I did until I could no longer concentrate on something as boring as microbiology.  At that point, I just needed him.  I needed a hug from my best friend, my partner in all of this, telling me it was ok and that we would try again and that no matter how, we would be parents someday.  I wanted to know that I was not alone and the pain I felt wasn’t just mine, but ours.  Ya know?

I finally sent him a text (dorky I know) telling him that I was having a hard time and that I needed him.  Of course he came right in and apologized.  He felt bad that he didn’t realize I was feeling that way, he just thought I was studying and needed to be left alone.  I assured him that I just needed support from the him and he was quick to offer it once he knew. 

I feel a lot better today although it is still stinging a bit.  I have to pretty much not talk about it now or I get a little teary.  I am trying to remember my “do not worry” plan and am just praying for strength to move on to the next step.       

Thanks for all your kind words yesterday.  It has been so nice having so much support the past couple days.  I guess I picked a good time to finish up a cycle.  Right in the middle of NaComLeavMo! 

I saw that someone else had posted a question on their blog for NCLM visitors so they might find it easier to post a comment.  I thought that was a great idea so here is my question of the day:

What is one goal you’d like to accomplish in your lifetime not including having a baby?

I think my goal would be to be able to retire at a decent age and still have enough money to travel around the world for a few years.  I haven’t been able to travel nearly as much as I would like.  My hubby and I are just too anal about saving money .  We find it extremely hard to fork over that much money just to take a trip.  Dumb, I know but that’s how we are…for now at least.  What about you?

No good news today… (Updated)

So in a last minute decision, M and I decided that I would take a HPT this morning.  We just really wanted to find out together instead of me getting the call by myself at work.   

It was another BFN, just like always.

Surprisingly (to me anyway), I am doing ok though.  I was praying a ton yesterday that God would give me peace even if it was negative and I think He has definitely answered my prayers. 

I am still going in for the blood draw this morning for my beta.  But at least I’m prepared for the result.  I know many of you guys suggested that it is easier getting that phone call when you already sort of know what the answer is.  I think you were right.  But I’m glad I waited until this morning so I know that the HPT is most likely accurate and there’ s only a few hours until I will get the official confirmation.

I read something on another blog I read yesterday, The LPM blog which is written by Beth and Amanda Moore.  I know it was meant for me.  Beth Moore, if you haven’t heard of her, writes women’s Bible studies and she is amazing!  Well yesterday Beth wrote a post about “worry” and how we don’t have to worry about things because God is in control.  Here’s the link if you’re interested in checking it out.  It is called, “Why Do You Worry?”  Here is the part that really struck me:

I’ve come to learn from God that worry is a waving red flag to the enemy. It is a dead giveaway that the person owning it does not trust God. The shield of faith is down. So fire when ready. Every time we’re tempted to take it all on and worry something to death, let’s say aloud from the depths of our souls, “I choose to trust You, Lord. I choose trust. I choose You.”

Thanks for all your support and well wishes the past few days.  It has meant so much!

Updated:  Got the official call from the nurse…”I’m sorry but I don’t have good news for you.”  The funniest part though, I started my period about a half hour before she called.  How’s that for timing.  Guess God wanted to make it crystal clear that no, I am not pregnant.  Oh well, shed a few tears this afternoon but overall I’m still doing ok.  My sister was so sweet.  She brought me lunch (Taco Bell, my favorite) and visited for awhile.  We sat on the front porch and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  It definitely cheered me up and she had lots of good advice about our next steps.

When I talked to the nurse, she said that I had to take this next cycle off to give my ovaries time to recover and get back to their normal size.  So it looks like I will have a nice break this cycle.  Time to get recharged again.  We also talked about our options for the next cycle since from here on out, everything except the meds (thankfully) will be out of pocket expenses. 

The good news is they seem very willing to work with us to find the most cost effective way of doing things.  I have an appointment on Wednesday to go over what he suggests we do for our next cycle.  Hopefully he will have ideas as to how to not over stimulate me and also how to thicken up my lining.  We will also talk about the possibility of converting to a GIFT cycle if I do end up over-responding again. 

Overall, I think I am in a good place.  The break will be nice, especially since we have some trips coming up and I’ll be happy to have a plan in place all ready to go for my next cycle.