Houston, we have a plan!

Well, our meeting with the RE went really well yesterday.  We talked to him about all our questions and concerns and got everything worked out.  So we are all set to go for my next cycle which I’m very happy about.

We primarily discussed the risks of multiples in IUI’s and how our specific protocol will go so as to mesh with our feelings about multiples and that fact that we are 100% against selective reduction.

So usually our RE uses injectible medications for IUI’s with the hopes of stimulating the woman to produce 3-4 follicles per IUI.  But we are going to do a combination of the more conservative Clomid only method, and the more aggressive injectible med only and use a clomid/injectible combination.  This supposedly gives the eggs a little more of a boost.  So we’re hoping to do the IUI with no more than 3 mature follicles (at least for the first IUI).  If for some reason my ovaries decide to produce more than that, they will aspirate some of the eggs out before doing the IUI.

Unfortunately, we understand that by not being more agressive, we are also not maximizing our chances.  But we have to balance this with the fact that we really don’t want triplets (or more).  Our goal will be to walk that fine line between being conservative and aggressive and just have faith that God will work it out the way He wants it to.  If we have twins…we will make it work.  If we have one…perfect!  If we have nothing…we will accept that too.  (But please God help us not be another J.on and K.ate!)

So that’s about it.  I just have to call them when AF arrives and we will officially get started.  They already gave me the injectible medications yesterday and taught me how to do the injections.  Scary!  I still need to send in the prescriptions for the Clomid, Ovidrel, and progesterone.

I’m hopeful but trying to not get my hopes up too much sinec I know the success rates for IUI’s aren’t all that great.  So as much as I am hoping that we are one of the lucky ones that it works for, I am very much aware that it doesn’t work for lots of people too.  And let’s be honest, luck (or God’s Providence, depending on how you look at it) hasn’t exactly been on our side these past two years.

But at least this will give us a chance to try one last thing so we can move on to adoption knowing that we really did everything we could reasonably do.  I think I will be a lot more at peace about adopting at that point.  Mainly because I have always been ok with doing an IUI and was really disappointed (here) when Mike wouldn’t consider it because he thought the Catholic Church was against it. 

But with IVF, both Mike and I are in agreement about not doing it.  I just hated to think that someday I might have had bitter feelings towards Mike about not doing IUI’s.  But now that we can try that, at least I know I wont feel that way about IVF down the road because it is my decision too.  Does that make sense?

Ok, I’ve procrastinated long enough…back to work for me!  Have a wonderful day everyone.

Progress

Whew!  It was a crazy weekend for me.  Luckily the weather was beautiful so I got to enjoy lots of sunshine and warmth.   It was so nice to finally feel like spring is here…hopefully for good!

Sorry I didn’t get to posting until now.  I had so much planned this weekend I never had a second to write!  Thanks for the comments asking how things were going.  Also thanks to everyone who posted about my working out dilemma.  I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to keep it up…for now anyway.  Maybe once we actually start the IUI process, I will take it easy, but until then, I’m going to just try and get as fit as I can.

So we met with an Adoption agency last Thursday. It is the Catholic Services of our local county. It went really well and Mike and I really got a good feeling from them.  Their fee is $12,000 so it’s similar to the other agencies we’ve looked at.  They currently have about 16 couples waiting but once they get close to 20 couples, they stop accepting people because they don’t want their current couples to wait too long.

One good thing is that this agency doesn’t accept any mothers who are known to be on drugs or alcohol. The mothers have to take drug and alcohol tests at each doctor’s appointment. It does drastically cut down the number of mothers/babies available but we are ok with waiting.

After seeing the heartache my sister and BIL have gone through with my nephew, we really don’t want to deal with that if at all possible.  We know what it is like to watch a child you love so much, struggle in so many areas of his life.   If we do end up adopting, we’ll likely only have 1 child at all so we’ll only get 1 chance to be a parent.  We don’t want it filled with heartache if possible.  I know that there is a chance that any child can end up with learning disabilities (even ones with healthy mothers), but I think the child has a much better chance if their mother wasn’t taking drugs while pregnant.  I guess we’d just like the best odds possible.

The only thing that stinks about this agency is that we would have to pay out quite a bit of money early in the process. That means if we start now, we would lose quite a bit if the IUI’s end up working. But we still have to meet with a few more agencies before we make a decision anyway.  So all is moving along fine so far.

This afternoon M and I are meeting with our RE.  I am excited to have a plan for the IUI.  I’m not sure if I’m just going to use Clomid again or possibly injectible fertility meds. I’d like to see what the RE suggests. We just really don’t want multiples. I know it’s bad to say that considering how bad I want this to work, but with me going to nursing school next year, I just don’t know if we’d be able to handle it with twins (or more).

I just keep thinking of “J.on and K.ate plus 8.” Do you guys watch that show? I really like it but I would never want that for myself! I read on their website that they did an IUI with injectible meds and even though they had ultrasounds prior to the IUI that said they only had 3 follicles, they obviously ended up pregnant with 6 (actually 7 but one didn’t keep growing early on)!!!!!! Yikes, I just don’t know if I want to risk it, even though I know that was a really rare case.

Anyway, I am hoping we can start next cycle. Today is CD12 for me so that would be in another 2 weeks or so. We aren’t really trying at all this current cycle and it has been a nice, much needed, break.

 

Pain and Gain – Time and Money

So after several months of food bliss (all in the name of helping out my fertility of course), I have recently decided I need to get back in shape. I’m not overweight by any means.  I think my current BMI is about 20.  But I have definitely expanded a little bit over the last few months and become “soft” at the same time.  This is not a good combination.  So with the summer quickly approaching and the increasing fear of what might be peeking out from my swimsuit, I am ready to get to work.

I actually started this endevour last Sunday after my final (I thought) BFN. At that point I was done with trying and mad at myself for allowing myself to become so lax in the first place (especially since it didn’t seem to help my fertility problems whatsover). I figured I needed something to help improve my already injured self-esteem and what better way to make you feel good about yourself than by getting into tip-top shape?

So I’ve cut back on my calories and been making better choices about the food I do eat.  I’ve also started back into lifting weights to tighten the things that need tightening.  I’ve been pretty good about keeping up with my cardio workouts all this time (which is the only thing that has kept my weight even remotely within check), but the weights have been low on the priority list for a while now. I just tend to forget how important it is to maintain your muscle/fat ratio, and not just the number on the scale.  Having a lower body fat percentage makes maintaining your weight so much easier. I just wish lifting weights was more fun. To me it is just painful and a huge bore.

So after a week and a half I am just now recovering from the worst of the pain.  I know it always gets better once I’ve been doing it a week or two so I’m sticking to it, but I have been pretty miserable the past couple days. I think I overdid it a tad. I know it’s ok to be a little sore but this is bad.

I guess my only concern with this new plan is now that we’re going to try an IUI, I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our attempts. I’ve tried reading online to see what is a good weight/body fat percentage for conceiving. I know it is a range but I don’t want to fall below it.  I just am really ready to get in shape and I hate the thought of putting this off until after the IUI’s. Do you guys think this is a big deal? I mean, I would guess that as long as I am still ovulating, then being at the low end of the preferred weight/body fat range for conceiving shouldn’t matter right?  It’s not like I’m a workout-a-holic who trains so much she stops getting periods altogether.  (I don’t think that’s possible for me since I don’t even like working out).  What are your thoughts?

Ok, enough exercise talk…Tonight we are meeting with our first adoption agency! It is our local Catholic Services. I am excited to finally get some more information.  M and I are really debating whether to get started with an agency now and risk losing money if the IUI’s do end up working, or waiting to start until after the IUI’s and risk losing valuable time in the adoption process.  It is such a tough decision.  I wish I had a crystal ball!  Don’t we all!

At the moment we are leaning towards waiting.  We think we are going to continue meeting with all the agencies so that we know absolutely which one we want to go with.  Then if the IUI’s don’t work then we will be 100% ready to jump right into it. I guess it will depend on how much money is required and when.  Those are some of the questions we will ask tonight. I hope it goes well!! I’ll post tomorrow with some details!

Casa Hogar – A Heart Was Opened

So I’ve been meaning to post some pictures from our trip to Casa Hogar in Rosarita, Mexico.  My mom had the pictures on her camera and she only just recently uploaded them to the web so I could share. 

I talked about the trip. This is the Mexican orphanage that my sister Kerri worked at for several years before she died.  We wanted to see this place because we knew it meant so much to her.  She had such a wonderful impact on these girls, and they on her, it was just important for us to see it firsthand.

This was the moment when it truly hit me that biology doesn’t matter when it comes to love.  Yes, I would still love to have my own biological child, but during this 3 hour visit I saw how easy it was to fall in love with a child, especially a child without a family!

Enjoy! 

 

This is my sister and I sitting on Kerri’s bed in her room at the orphanage.  As you can see, the girls wanted to show us Kerri’s room!

The littlest one there.  She was so sweet.  Here she is eyeing the bags of sweets we brought for them!

Here is Kelly and I with the little girl that stole my sister’s heart.  Kerri talked about her all the time!

Playing with the bubbles we brought with us! 

Maybe we’re not done…

Ok, so I realize that this is a change of direction given my last few posts.  But hey, when you get new information, you have every right to re-assess and potentially change the plan, right?  We’re not abandoning our adoption path, we’re just adding one more IF treatment on the side.  Here at my job, we call this a parallel path!

So on Wednesday I faxed my wonderful OB/GYN a copy of my latest BBT chart along with a letter letting him know that we were ready to stop the Clomid, that we needed a break (a potentially permanent break) and that we were looking into adoption.  He called me back the next day and we had a nice talk (he is so nice). 

He said he completely understood our need for a break and thought it was a good idea to take some pressure off for awhile.  But he reminded us that it is completely ok to take a break and come back after a few months to try something different.  I told him that I didn’t think there was much else we could try besides taking major fertility meds (injectibles) and since ovulation isn’t my problem, I didn’t really see it being something we wanted to attempt. 

At that point he suggested that IUI’s were always an option if we have cervical issues, such as hostile cervical mucus or something else.  I told him that I thought that the Catholic Church had issues with that.  He gave me a website address that has a nice concise list of Catholic approved and disapproved ART’s. 

Apparently, IUI’s are on the “neither approved nor disapproved” list, given that the “sample” is obtained through in.tercours.e using a perforated con.dom(instead of your husband going off into “the room” by himself).

I explained to him that my husband was concerned that the whole perforated co.ndom idea is just a loophole people use to justify doing it.  My doctor assured me that he did not feel that way at all.  He reaffirmed that he is a pretty conservative Catholic and that he would never suggest it for us if he thought it was against Catholic teachings.   

This knowledge obviously opened up a new door for us…IUI’s.  I had mentioned trying an IUI to M last week as a last resort (our insurance will pay for 1 IUI cycle) and he was hesitant.  But after I told him about this conversation he was 100% interested.  I think he just needed to hear it from someone who knows for him to feel ok with doing it.  Having the website to refer to was also a nice confirmation.

So M and I talked about it and we are thinking we might try it, depending on the cost.  We just don’t want to look back and regret stopping too soon.  If we didn’t have IUI as an option, we wouldn’t continue, but now that it is, we think we’d like to try it.

So anyway, we set up an appointment with my old RE because my wonderful OB/GYN doesn’t really have the office set-up to do IUI’s.  So we’re going to meet with him to discuss our options. 

While we are there, we are also going to find out more about GIFT (Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer).  It is another “neither approved nor disapproved” method of ART.   Instead of transferring embryos, they transfer a few eggs and some “obtained from int.ercourse” sp.erm directly into your fallopian tubes.   This procedure is way less common than IVF but it avoids the Catholic issue of doctors creating embryos.

Remember awhile back when I mentioned the dangling IVF carrot.  This is the same RE.  I was just wondering if they would let me participate in their study but let me do GIFT instead of IVF?  This is the only way we would consider it since we still want to have money to continue pursuing adoption.  I asked the nurse this and she wasn’t sure if GIFT would be an option.  So this is another thing we will discuss with the RE directly at our appointment.

Like I mentioned briefly above, we are still pursuing adoption 100% as well.  We really want to get going too.  In fact, we already have an appointment for next week at our local Catholic Services agency.   Also, M finished his application to the original agency we talked to (Christian Family Services) so I’ll be sending that in soon too. 

I don’t know where this whole new parallel path will take us considering IUI’sdon’t improve your chances all that much.  But at least I feel comfortable that we’re not putting all our eggs in one basket…ya know?  It feels right to be pursuing both.  And I have been praying about our situation a lot lately and have been asking God for wisdom in helping us pursue the right things.   I just have to keep trusting him that He will work all this out the way He intends it.   

Happy Friday everyone and have a wonderful weekend! 

 

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

Yes, I mean it. Thank you all for your help! I got some really great insight and links from you all and it means a lot. I made some great progress in our agency search the past couple days!

I have requested information packets from several agencies and I will be calling them this week to ask some questions.  I’m hoping to be able to narrow it down based on those calls and then M and I will set up a consultation with the finalists! (It sounds like American Idol doesn’t it? Ha Ha!)  But anyway, I am just really excited to be moving onto something else!

I know, I know…I need to be patient and pace myself. This is a marathon, not a sprint! I know that the excitement of adoption is not going to completely lift my spirits for the entire next year or two as we wait. As many of you have said on your own blogs, infertility is a pain that never leaves completely. But for now, I am excited and I’m just going to enjoy that feeling for as long as it lasts!

We even asked one of our good friends (a couple) if they would be one of our references. They said they would love to! It was nice to know that people are being so supportive of this…including our own families. They are all pretty excited too. I probably need to remind them this is a marathon too!

By the way, in case it didn’t come across adequately enough earlier….Thanks again!

Michigan Adoption Agencies?

Like I mentioned earlier due to my Big Fat Negative this morning, we’ve been doing a lot more thinking and talking about adoption.  We are now 100% ready to go.  So the more I’ve been thinking about it, the more I’ve realized that I want to make sure we consider all our options as far as which agency to choose.

So do any of you have any recommendations for adoption agencies?  I got one recommendation (the one we got the packet for) but I’m a little afraid that us being Catholic might be a problem. 

Even if the agency would accept us if we were Catholic, I don’t want their typical clients to be heavily weighted protestant and then have no one pick us because we are Catholic.  Does this make sense?

Also, let me know if you have done a private adoption and if you think that’s the better way to go?  Thanks so much!

Same Old Story

So I kinda screwed myself over this cycle.  Yesterday I still had sore bbs all day and I started to get my hopes up.  Usually by this point in my cycle my progesterone is dropping and the soreness goes away.  Mine, was actually getting worse yesterday.  I admit, I got my hopes up.  I couldn’t help it.  I kept telling myself NOT to get my hopes up, but I did.

So this morning when my alarm went off, I took my temperature and when it finally beeped that it was done, I fully expected to see that my temps were already starting to drop.  On the contrary, my temp went up…higher than it has even been this late in my luteal phase.  So then my heart really started to pound and my hopes were a mile high.

So I went into the bathroom to take the test.  As I waited those couple minutes I prayed that I would be ok if it was negative.  Then I looked at the test.   Sure enough, it was negative. 

Amazingly, I just felt numb.  Not devastated, thankfully, but numb.  I’m not sure if that’s good but maybe it’s God’s way of helping me deal with the disappointment.  I just keep going back to the story in the book of Daniel I mentioned before my last BFN…”But even if He does not.”  I still love God and trust that His plan is perfect. 

It also helps to think about the fact that we are going forward with the adoption thing.   In fact, I already filled out 90% of the “adoptive mother” pre-application yesterday.  M said he would do his today if I ended up getting a negative test.  Guess what he’ll be working on today!

 

Following God’s Leadings

Ok, so my chest has been pretty sore the last two days.  This could be happening solely due to the progesterone supplements I’ve been taking but could also be due pregnancy (wishful thinking I know).  Well, this morning my temperature went up quite a bit.  Again, this just gave me another inkling of hope even though I know temps don’t always mean anything either.

Anyway, as I laid in bed contemplating that temperature, coupled with sore bbs, I realized I wanted to test.  I know it is early (only 11 DPO) and I highly expected it to be negative, but I just wanted to know if the symptoms (sore bbs and higher temp) were a result of HCG in my system or not.

Nope, it was a BFN, just as I expected.  But to be honest, I’m actually glad I tested.  I think it would have been worse wondering and hoping all day long that the symptoms were pregnancy related.  I realize that I still have a chance since it is so early but at least I know that those “symptoms” are not symptoms.

So now I’m thinking I’ll wait and test again on Sunday.  If that’s negative then I’ll fully believe it and will stop the progesterone and wait for AF. 

But despite the BFN, at least I have something else to look forward to.  This whole adoption thing is really making getting another BFN so much easier to deal with.  In fact, I can happily say that it didn’t bother me much at all.  Thanks God!!

I am so hoping that the adoption information packet is in the mail when I get home today.  I will be pouring over it all weekend! 

By the way, I also got some other really great news about our jobs this week.  M and I (we work at the same company) both got promotions at work.  These promotions come with a big raise.  So both our salaries are going to increase a substantial amount starting in June.  This is a huge encouragement to us, especially as we begin to think about adoption.  It just feels like God is really opening some doors for us when it comes to adoption. 

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I found out about the cost of domestic adoption the day before I found out I got a big raise that would pretty much cover a good part of that cost.  Then when M found out he got a big raise too, it was just more than we could hope for.  ** Thank you God! ** 

We are just so thankful to have such good jobs that will allow us to pursue this at all!  And with the $5000 adoption assistance they will give us, it just makes me much more appreciative of the company I work for. (since I tend to have a bad attitude about it most of the time.)

On another unrelated note, I finished my application to the nursing program I am trying to get into.  I didn’t think I could apply until after I finished one more class this summer.  But luck for me,  a friend e-mailed me with a question about the program which led to me to check into it again to make sure I was providing the right answer.  After reading their updated website, I realized I can apply at the end of this semester!!   Had I not gotten that e-mail from my friend, I would have missed out on applying to school earlier and with a rolling admissions process, earlier is always better!  This is just another way God is obviously looking out for me!     

Anyway, thanks for all your comments yesterday.  I admit it feels good to be back to my happier posting self.  I pray that it continues as we try and follow where God is leading us!

Encouraged

So this week has been going pretty well I guess.  My attitude has been better and to be honest, I haven’t thought about being in the TWW…well, at least not as much as I normally do.  Nothing new to report though, including symptoms.  I’m sure this cycle will be like all the rest.

But I did have several things happen this week that left me encouraged.  One was actually a conversation I had with two of my classmates.  I know I’ve mentioned that I’m taking Organic Chemistry this semester.  Well, along with the class is a lab.  We have lab partners and in my case, I have two partners since we had an odd number. 

The first day of lab, I met my two partners, both named Kim actually.  Kim #1 and I were chatting about why we were in nursing school.  She happened to mention that she was 4 months pregnant.  I was a bit surprised because she didn’t look pregnant at all.  And I was like geesh, of all people to be lab partners with!!!  But she actually turned out to be very nice.  Not an annoying pregnant woman at all.  She never even talks about it so many times I ask her about it. 

Anyway, back to my story, so I casually mentioned that part of my reason for pursuing a more rewarding career was because our plans to have kids, “was not happening.”  She was very nice about it and amazingly didn’t say anything that rubbed me the wrong way and hasn’t since.  It’s a friggin miracle.  In fact, I really like the girl, go figure!

So this week in lab, I had a chance to talk to Kim #2 (the non-pregnant one).  She mentioned something about how her and her husband at one point thought they couldn’t have kids.  Apparently she miscarried several times and they gave up.  She did eventually get pregnant a few months after they gave up.  She even tried Clomid without success before they gave up.  She now has 2 kids. 

So then Kim #2 pipes up and say she was on Clomid for 5 months and never got pregnant.  She got pregnant two months after that, completely med free. 

I don’t know why, but this encouraged me.  It made me realize that despite my failures on Clomid, given enough time, I might someday conceive.  I’m certainly not pinning all my hopes on it, since I know for every story like these, there are many more stories of unexplained infertility that do not end so well. 

But still, it made me realize that it is possible to give up and move on with your life and still end up pregnant someday.  Even if someday is 2-10 years from now.  The whole conversation, instead of annoying me like usual, actually left me feeling somewhat encouraged.

Onto a different encouraging topic…I finally spoke with someone at the local adoption agency I was recommended to.  They are sending me an informational packet in the mail.  They said to call once we’d received it and gone over it.  I asked her if she knew approximately how much it cost for domestic infant adoption, just so I’d have a general idea.  She stated that it costs around $11,000.  Does this sound right?  It’s actually much lower than I expected.  I had always heard it was more like $20,000 – $30,000…hence why I was worried we couldn’t afford it.  But heck, $11,000 is definitely do-able for us.  Especially since the company I work for provides $5000 in adoption assistance.  Cool eh?  This was definitely encouraging.

I guess I do not want to get my hopes up too much though.  Maybe she didn’t fully understand the question.  I will know more once I get the packet. 

I also asked her about how long people usually wait for a child.  I told her I knew it could be up to 2+ years.  She said that 2 years is usually what they tell people but many times it is faster than that…she said you never know what God has planned.  Obviously this is a Christian agency.

Anyway, if that $11,000 is about right, then I am thinking M and I might actually start the process sooner than we thought.  I am excited at this possibility.  It would just be nice to focus on another path to parenthood since we feel our current path is coming to an end.  I also think it might take the pressure off which would be nice considering how stressful the last two years have been. 

Now what I’m NOT saying is that I think I will get pregnant just because we start the adoption process.  That is not my reason for starting this.  I know deep down in my heart that it wont matter if I get a child through adoption or my own body.  At this point, I am excited at the thought of any child, as long as they are mine and I get to keep them.  But of course if I did end up pregnant I’d be thrilled…obviously.  But my goal at this point is a child, not just a pregnancy.  So whatever way that child comes by, I will know God had that exact plan in mind for me.   

(By the way, I’m testing Saturday but don’t get your hopes up.  I’m definitely not!   But it is nice to have some encouraging things to build me up before the potential disappointment this weekend!)