Finding Myself in a Funk

Yes, it is official.  I’m in a funk.  That’s mostly why I haven’t posted all week.  I just didn’t have it in me and after all my positive energy I’ve had the past few weeks, it somehow seemed wrong to post some negative stuff.  But I know we’ve all been there.  You have a couple good weeks and then a few bad ones. 

I think the whole foster fear thing is what first set me off.  I think that I was so excited about it beforehand, and once that fear set in, it kind of deflated me. 

I’m currently in the TWW and normally this is my happiest time in my cycle, so why the funk?  Maybe it is just because I really believe that my chances of conceiving this cycle are 0.00001%.  

This month of trying was especially tough because I ovulated last Monday, the day I left for my trip to D.C.   M and I knew in the morning that we needed to BD before I left (I had to leave my house by 2:30 in the afternoon).  Well, things didn’t work out like we planned and M wasn’t available until about 2:20.  At that point I just wanted to give up and not do it because I knew our chances were practically non-existant anyway.  So why would we want to put ourselves through “rushed, extremely unsatisfying in every way,” sex when it wasn’t going to make a difference anyway.  I mean, have any of you ever actually cried during sex because you realized just how desperate you had really become?  Not all out boo-hooing but maybe a few tears sneaking out and which you quickly wipe away before your husband notices so he does not get a complex?  I have, sadly more than once and it is not a pleasant feeling. 

Well, I’m sure you all would guess that despite these feelings…yes, we still did it.  We are that desperate.  The desire to have every possible chance at conceiving was too strong to resist.  And no, it was not my idea of fun at all.  Anyway, I guess I should just be thankful that my peak day fell on a day we actually could do it.  Had it been delayed another day or two, we would have missed it completely since I was in D.C. until Wednesday.

I guess I’ll see in another week if it was worth it or not but I’m certainly not holding my breath. 

There is a part of me that thinks it would be pretty dang cool to just finally give up on all this TTC crap and to maybe someday have the experience of being shocked as hell to find out I’m pregnant.  Like if I could get to the point where I didn’t even know when AF was due?  Yes, for a long time in my life (before birth control pills) I had no earthly idea when AF was due.  I would just be (unpleasantly) surprised.  So it would be nice to get back to that point and then suddenly realize that hey, I haven’t had my period in 6 weeks and geez, my boobs have suddenly gotten bigger and whamo, I turn up pregnant.  Ah yes, that is a lovely fantasy! 

On that note, I say goodnight!  I need to go do my bible study and ask God to lift me out of this funk!

Sleep Tight Friends!