How to Pray

So I’ve been wondering lately, how should I be praying for this whole situation?  Obviously, for a long long time, I prayed that God would bless us with a biological child.  I prayed a ton.  I prayed Novenas.  I prayed before the blessed sacrament.  I had other people pray for me. 

So now that I’m coming to the point of giving up/pursuing other options, I’m wondering if I should give up praying for a child and instead be praying that God will give me peace in accepting His will?

I know that both of these way to pray are not necessarily wrong in and of themselves.  I think God definitely wants to hear us ask Him for the desires of our hearts, but at the same time, I do sorta feel like He has decided that it is just not going to happen for us.  So if I truly feel that way, why would I keep asking.  I almost feel like I’m trying to convince Him to change His mind or something. 

I guess I am just afraid that to stop praying for a biological child, means to stop believing that He will do it.  I mean, I know he can do it.  But I just don’t know if He will do it. 

I don’t want God to think I’ve given up on Him, because I haven’t.  But there comes a point when you just have to move on and start trying to heal…right?  And that is hard to do when you are still praying every day to get pregnant. 

I’m sure this is a dumb question since I know that God knows my heart inside and out, including my motives.  But if I stick with that line of thinking then I have to ask myself, why do I even pray at all?  I guess praying probably does more for the pray-er (me), than the pray-ee (God).  So I guess whatever works for me is what I should do.  If it brings me more pain to keep praying for a pregnancy, then maybe I need to just let it go and start praying instead that I will have peace about our situation. 

I’m certainly leaning towards the latter since I haven’t prayed much lately about getting pregnant.  It just seems a bit dumb to keep asking for the same thing over and over and over again.  Especially when the answer is no, no, no, etc.

But I have prayed for other things.  I’ve prayed that God’s will will be done in M and I’s lives.  I have prayed that He would show us any paths He wishes us to take whether it be adoption or fostering.  I have prayed that He would comfort my heart.  I have prayed that He would take away any lingering bitterness I may have about other people’s pregnancy.  I have prayed that He would remind me every day of the blessings he has given me and not just he ones He hasn’t.  I have prayed that He would help me remember that motherhood will never completely satisfy me, only He can do that.

I hope he will answer at least a few of these “yes.”

Finding Myself in a Funk

Yes, it is official.  I’m in a funk.  That’s mostly why I haven’t posted all week.  I just didn’t have it in me and after all my positive energy I’ve had the past few weeks, it somehow seemed wrong to post some negative stuff.  But I know we’ve all been there.  You have a couple good weeks and then a few bad ones. 

I think the whole foster fear thing is what first set me off.  I think that I was so excited about it beforehand, and once that fear set in, it kind of deflated me. 

I’m currently in the TWW and normally this is my happiest time in my cycle, so why the funk?  Maybe it is just because I really believe that my chances of conceiving this cycle are 0.00001%.  

This month of trying was especially tough because I ovulated last Monday, the day I left for my trip to D.C.   M and I knew in the morning that we needed to BD before I left (I had to leave my house by 2:30 in the afternoon).  Well, things didn’t work out like we planned and M wasn’t available until about 2:20.  At that point I just wanted to give up and not do it because I knew our chances were practically non-existant anyway.  So why would we want to put ourselves through “rushed, extremely unsatisfying in every way,” sex when it wasn’t going to make a difference anyway.  I mean, have any of you ever actually cried during sex because you realized just how desperate you had really become?  Not all out boo-hooing but maybe a few tears sneaking out and which you quickly wipe away before your husband notices so he does not get a complex?  I have, sadly more than once and it is not a pleasant feeling. 

Well, I’m sure you all would guess that despite these feelings…yes, we still did it.  We are that desperate.  The desire to have every possible chance at conceiving was too strong to resist.  And no, it was not my idea of fun at all.  Anyway, I guess I should just be thankful that my peak day fell on a day we actually could do it.  Had it been delayed another day or two, we would have missed it completely since I was in D.C. until Wednesday.

I guess I’ll see in another week if it was worth it or not but I’m certainly not holding my breath. 

There is a part of me that thinks it would be pretty dang cool to just finally give up on all this TTC crap and to maybe someday have the experience of being shocked as hell to find out I’m pregnant.  Like if I could get to the point where I didn’t even know when AF was due?  Yes, for a long time in my life (before birth control pills) I had no earthly idea when AF was due.  I would just be (unpleasantly) surprised.  So it would be nice to get back to that point and then suddenly realize that hey, I haven’t had my period in 6 weeks and geez, my boobs have suddenly gotten bigger and whamo, I turn up pregnant.  Ah yes, that is a lovely fantasy! 

On that note, I say goodnight!  I need to go do my bible study and ask God to lift me out of this funk!

Sleep Tight Friends!

Foster Fears

So as much as I enjoyed relaxing all weekend I was further plagued by headaches and an upset stomach.  Laying in bed is not nearly as fun when your head is also throbbing at the same time. 

 Thankfully by Saturday evening I was feeling better physically anyway.   However my emotions took a bit of turn as of then too.  At first I wasn’t sure what had caused my mini downward spiral on Sunday.  Was is the plethora of little people running around church Sunday morning, reminding me of my childlessness?  No, I don’t think so.  Was it the baby shower invitation I got from my parent’s god daughter who I used to baby sit for who only just got married about a year or so ago?  Yes, I think that was a small part of it but I had already heard the news so I had already dealt with it somewhat.  Was it the comment made by my parents that one of the top things on their “bucket list” was to go with their grandchildren to Disney World and that they were so excited because they are going to go ahead and do it this coming summer (sans any grandchildren I may ever produce)?  Yes, that was also a factor.

But last night as I was trying to fall asleep and the tears began to fall I realized another thing that was bothering me that I didn’t even realize.  Saturday night I had been talking to my sister about the details of fostering.  She, having done it herself, had lots of good info for me.  Everything was sounding great until we started talking about children being placed back with their birth mothers.  I realize I have thought about this a lot already but I don’t think it had  really truly sank in yet.  My sister stated that the hardest part was knowing how much love you have given to those children and to think that they are going to be sent back to a situation that is usually less than perfect is just torture really.  It’s like you want all the love you gave them to last and you really don’t want them to think that you are abandoning them (if they are too young to understand the situation).

I cried because I realize how bad I want a baby that is mine.  That I don’t have to ever worry about giving them back.  To be able to love them 100% and not be afraid that they might not always have a loving home to live in.  It’s like, haven’t I already gone through enough pain.  Now I have to withstand caring for I will surely fall in love with instantly only to lose them at some point later on, maybe only 2 months but maybe even 2 years later…can you even imagine the pain of that?         

Obviously I still have a lot to think about before we fully commit to fostering.  I am sure any agency will probably have training galore to help potential foster parents understand this possible loss.  I just got really scared when I started to fully see the risk in doing this.  Especially because I don’t have a child of my own.  I will have nothing to fall back on if I lose a child. 

Anyway, I am doing ok today but still a little sad.  I just wish we didn’t have to even consider this, but we do.  I know there’s still a chance (small as it is) that we could conceive on our own, but considering it hasn’t happened yet…EVER, despite doing everything right, I’m really thinking it is not going to happen. 

So at least if we get started with this agency, we can look at both fostering and adopting, because right now I’m scared and the idea of fostering is the “big bad” of the hour.  Now I realize that even with adoption, there is a risk.  But at least there’s no chance of caring for a child for years and then having them to give them back. 

There’s obviously no perfect solution for us between fostering and adopting because both have at least a few cons, but I guess it does seem like one may be less scary than the other.  I just don’t know if we can afford to adopt outright.

Anyway, enough venting.  I’m getting ready to leave for the airport soon.  I am flying off to DC.  But I’m bringing my laptop along so hopefully my hotel has internet access!  It will at least allow me to keep up with reading and blogging during the evenings!

Have a great day everyone!

     

So not too much new has been going on here.  Hence why I haven’t written much lately.  The POTWW is incredibly boring for me so I can’t see why it would be any different for all of you. 

The bad news is that I feel like I’m going down with a cold.  My throat started to hurt yesterday…a lot.  Today is only worse.  I’m trying to take Zicam to avoid it if at all possible, but who knows how effective that stuff is. 

I did try to contact an adoption agency this week.  I was recommended to them by the crisis pregnancy center I volunteer at.  The head guy there and his wife are actually licensed foster parents with them.  How cool!  So I thought I’d contact this agency and see how we go about getting started on everything.  They haven’t called me back yet though and I’m thinking maybe they wont until after the holiday weekend. 

As for me, I get tomorrow and Monday off from work.  Big Time YAY!   I am counting the minutes until this day is over.  We’re celebrating Easter at my in-laws this year.  Fortunately, my parents were also invited so that is cool.  I am looking forward to some amazing lasagna.  Not exactly a typical Easter meal but since my mother-in-law is Italian, it is going to be very yummy!  It’s actually the only time she ever even makes it! 

Tonight my parents are coming over for dinner and then I’m relaxing and watching Lost (one of my favorites).  It should be a good one!

Ok, I will stop boring everyone now.   Have a great day!

Good Vibes

Ok, I only have a few minutes because I have to get ready for church but I just wanted to tell a little bit about how our meeting with the priest went.

First of all, we didn’t end up talking about the Catholic view on ART’s.  But actually, that ended up being fine with us.  The way the conversation went it was unnecessary.

So I must admit, I was nervous.  So we went in with an open mind and it was really great.  He talked to us separately first and then talked to us together.  He just asked us about our history together and why we waited to start trying for kids and such.  He asked brief questions about our medical history and what medications I was on right now and how much longer I would be taking them.  So we basically told him that the doctor couldn’t find anything wrong with us and that I was taking Clomid, but only for two more months.   

After talking with us for awhile he told us that He really felt like God was going to give us a child.  Now obviously I took this with a little grain of salt.  I want to believe him, but I know he is human, just like me.  I am just used to so many people telling me (including my own doctor) that they are convinced it is just a matter of time.  But I know that just because nothing is found to be wrong, doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong.   But even with that bit of pessimism,  I am hoping he is right!  

He basically suggested the we just keep doing what the doctor is telling us for the next two months.  He said he would pray for us that God would use the medicine to help me get pregnant.   But after those two months, if we are still not pregnant, he would like us to stop everything and give it completely over to God.  (which is bascially what we were planning anyway which is good) He said he wants to meet with us again at that time and that he needs us to bring with us a bottle of virgin olive oil and a box of salt.  Huh?  Obviously we were confused and admitted we found that strange. But he assured us that he would explain everything when we get to that point.  I guess we’ll just wait and see.  Hopefully we wont even need to get to that point, but realistically, we probably will. 

But anyway, it was definitely different than I expected but definitely cool too.  He did place his hand on my and prayed over me the most beautiful prayer but it was not exorcisty at all.  It was lovely actually.  I felt such a peace after we left.  I’m glad we met with him.  I feel good that he will continue praying for us.  I just keep hoping that more people I get to pray for us that we will get pregnant, the more likely it will happen because God knows He’s going to get some serious praise if/when He finally does it!!

Ok, off to church.  It is going to be a good one. 

Unsung Lullabies #8 – Dealing with the World

So this chapter of Unsung Lullabies really really hit home for me but in a different way than I expected.  It talked about how we are living in a family-centered culture.  This makes it all but impossible to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone, without kids becoming a part of it. 

The basic gist of what they are trying to convey is that every infertile deals with the world differently so do whatever works for you.  It’s really not rocket science.

They offer encouragement by reminding us that just because we can handle one friend’s baby shower, doesn’t mean we have to go to another.  Since our feelings fluctuate so much, it is perfectly understandable we might feel prepared to face it one day and not the next.  They just want you to accept yourself the way you are and be ok with looking out for your own feelings since you are the only one who really knows how you are feeling.  We can’t depend on others knowing what we need/don’t need and get mad at them when they don’t. 

So that takes care of things you know about in advance, but obviously there are also the unexpected moments that you just can’t prepare for, kinda like the situation in my Ally post.  I was completely prepared to visiting my group of friends who all have kids now.  I wasn’t prepared to find out that another previously infertile person at the party was now pregnant.  In those moments when we are unprepared, the authors suggest several ways to cope.  They call one way “self-talking” where you talk to yourself and remind yourself of all that is good about you.  But they also remind us that getting it out by crying, leaving the situation, talking to someone about it, or writing are all ways to cope with things that upset us unexpectedly.

One good section was about comments people can make, oftentimes in complete innocence, that really hurt.  I know we’ve all been there, probably more times than we can count.  I think I get comments almost weekly about me having children.  Little do people know that these comments sting as bad as they do.  But the writers tell us that we need to keep in mind the intention of these people.  More than likely, they are really truly trying to be kind, even if they are saying something that many people find rude and intrusive.

So the reason why I stated that this hit me differently than I thought it would have is because I have actually been doing better with this lately.  Even just a few days ago when mentioning to my boss that I had to shovel snow because my husband was out of town, he suggested a great alternative…just have a couple kids so that they can someday shovel the snow for you.  Hmmm, so did it sting…yes, but was it a dagger through the heart, no…thankfully!   Amazingly I was able to just ignore the comment (knowing that my boss isn’t exactly known as the most sensitive guy) and chalk it up to ignorance on his part.  But it made me feel better knowing I was getting better at handling stuff like this. 

So is this book really helping me?  As good as the book has been I think all the credit really goes to God.  He has been doing a major work in my heart and I can’t tell you how much better I feel lately.  I realize this book has helped me dig into why I’m hurting the way I am but nothing has been able to take the burden of infertility off me more than when I hand it over to God.  I can even tell when I start grabbing at it, trying to carry it myself again.  I am more testy and feel the emotions rise so close to the surface. 

So I guess that is good news for me.  Not that I think my journey is over by any stretch but I know I have found the best coping strategy there is, faith.  I know not everyone believes in God but I still wanted to share this anyway.  

I also wanted to talk about my meeting with the priest today but I I had to get this review post done first.  I will have to write about it tomorrow instead since my hubby and I are going to be heading out to dinner!  If only I didn’t have a massive headache I would be completely looking forward to it! 

By the way, are headaches a side effect of Clomid?   I just don’t usually have them and this is the second night in a row I’ve had this exact same headache.  Just wondering!  Have a great night friends! 

Random Stuff

So I talked to my OB/GYN yesterday.  He actually called me which was nice.  I faxed over my chart and of course he said it looks perfect.  Yeah, perfect except for the big fat negative sign at the end of it.  He’s still convinced it is going to happen any cycle now.  I’m not so sure but I will give it a go. 

Thankfully the Clomid hasn’t been affecting me much so far.  Yay!  Also, M and I are still on a high which is nice.  Ever since he got back from his business trip things have been so wonderful.  I think it helps to have a reminder every now and then how much you miss each other when you’re apart.   So I’m definitely enjoying that!  Hopefully it lasts through my fertile week!

So M and I have been talking more about fostering (with the possibility of adopting) and he has been so open with it.  I really expected him to be more resistant but he really wasn’t.  He had a few questions about the logistics but he seemed really satisfied with all my answers!  This is not something we would do until January of 2009 though.  We would start the process of getting licensed now, but since I’m still going to be working and taking classes through the end of this year, we wouldn’t accept any placements until I was done with those classes.  Luckily my mom does daycare so I know she would love to help me out with watching the child while I worked. 

Anyway, back to TTC, we are meeting with a priest tonight.  He is originally from Africa somewhere but he has been around here for awhile.  He has a really amazing heart and I hope the talk goes well. 

I’m a bit nervous though.  I spoke with him at our Crisis Pregnancy Center banquet last weekend.  He is very passionate about his work.  My mother-in-law had filled him in on our situation (with my permission) and so he pulled me aside and told me he would love to meet with me and M.   I didn’t quite understand every word he said (he has a strong accent) but I got the sense that in addition to talking he was going to pray over me and something about getting rid of evil.  I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this.  I mean, heck, at this point, it can’t hurt.  But it seems a bit exorcisty to me.  I guess I will just try and remain open.  And for all I know, I completely misunderstood him and we will just talk.  I will let you all know how it goes! 

That’s all for now!

CD 2…finally…Clomid here I come…ugh!

Hey There,

Well AF decided to finally show her face last night…finally!  I was actually relieved because I was starting to worry something was wrong.  I’ve never had a luteal phase go that long before.  But then again, since she showed up later yesterday, it just means my luteal phase was only 2 days longer than normal.  And looking at my temps and fertility monitor results, it is possible my peak day could have actually been 1 day later, so I guess it really wasn’t all that unusual. 

Anyway…thanks for your comments on our picture (that doesn’t appear to be working at the moment).  I just realized how much I enjoy seeing what other people look like.  It helps to put a face to blog.  So I figured I might as well do it.  It is just scary….what if someone I know finds me!  I don’t mind people finding me really, I just would want to know that they found me.  I’m sure you can all relate. 

I just figured with all the details I have already given, chances are someone would recognize me just by the description.  I mean, how many women engineers do you know that are going back to nursing school and who also volunteer at a Crisis pregnancy center, who used to be protestant but are now Catholic, who are struggling with infertility?  I’m sure you get what I mean!  I figured the photo couldn’t make it any worse!  Ha Ha!

Nothing too much else is new here.  I had thought about sending my temperature chart to my OB/GYN but I don’t want him to think I’m an annoyance.   And just wanting him to know it didn’t work isn’t exactly the best reason to contact him.  I don’t want him to feel like I’m mad at him, like I’m saying “why the heck didn’t this work!”  Besides, it’s not like he’s going to have me do anything different this month.  He already told me at my last appointment that we will try this for three more months. 

Anyway, I’m just feeling a little down today after realizing that even with profused tubes, Clomid, estrace, a beautiful BBT chart, plenty of CM, perfect BD timing, and progesterone support, we still can’t get pregnant.  Ok, I know, I know!   I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I was doing so well last week and I guess I’ve been slacking in my prayer life the past couple days.  I’m sure that’s why I’m getting down again.  Putting your faith in God regarding a certain situation is definitely not a one time event.  It’s something you need to do constantly to avoid regressing…like me!  I know what I have to do to fix it though!   Have a great day!!    

The Longest Cycle Ever…

So I’m officially 17 DPO and still no AF in sight.  But before you get your hopes up…I tested again just to be sure and it was still negative.  Hence I am a little annoyed!  This goes back to my gripe about the POTWW.   This is certainly going to be a pre-ovulation three week wait for sure…ugh.

Anyway, so I went to a baby shower last weekend and it was fine.  I couldn’t get there until late because I had to work (which was fine by me).  This girl does not live around here so I hadn’t seen her in a few months.  So when I got there, I saw her and I was immediately struck by how very pregnant she looked.  And I hope this doesn’t come across mean but I seriously had a thought for a second like, “do I really want to look like that?”  I just saw how big and uncomfortable she looked and I thought, holy crap, she still has 2 more months to go!!!!   

Usually I look at pregnant women with big time envy, but this time, I just…well didn’t.  I don’t know what that means, if anything.  It just struck me odd since I’ve been wanting this so bad for so long.  But seeing her made me think about how I have worked pretty hard the past 5 years at keeping my weight consistent and not allowing it to creep up.  (which sucks since I never even had to try before then!)  It just reminded me that as cool as pregnancy is…there’s definite down sides too!  Maybe God is just working on changing my heart so that the thought of missing out on experiencing pregnancy wont always hurt so much? 

Just a thought…

Unsung Lullabies Review #7: Grieving the Pregnancy or Baby that Never Was

This chapter has come at a good time.  It is all about the grief that infertiles go through month after month, coined by one of their patients…”Little deaths.”

The authors point out that the grief associated with infertility is quite similar to the grief of an actual death/loss of a loved one.  I can definitely relate to this since I just lost my sister.  However despite the two griefs being similar in their depths of emotion, there is one big difference.  With the loss of my sister, it all happened at once and then it was over.  The grief obviously takes a long time to heal but over time it has gotten better.  It does seem like the passing of time of that awful event soothes the hurt.  This is especially true because my sister did not live by me so she really was not a part of my daily life.  So I don’t have the constant reminder of the loss like someone who losses someone largely involved in their lives.  Then you are constantly reminded of the loss by daily events that occur without them.  But even still, the passage of time, for most people, helps deal with the grief. 

However with infertility, the grief is not from a one time event.  It is a build up of many little deaths over time.  It comes from failed cycle after failed cycle.  And because there is always the potential, no matter how small, of the next cycle being “the one,” how is one able to properly grieve the loss.  There is not enough passage of time to fully grieve and put some distance between it.  And when is it truly over?  When you stop ART’s but even then, I am sure there is still the small hope that it could still happen.  I am sure that is how I will feel even after we stop with any medications, procedures and such. 

When a person gets negative result after negative result after negative result, they mourn.  And yet the authors point out, how do we properly mourn when there is no person who has died.   We can’t look at photos and remember the good times.  We don’t get sympathy cards from our friends.  In fact, many times we get no sympathy at all from people, just the same old sentiment “just relax and it will happen” like we are just overreacting.   These things just make proper grieving even harder. 

The authors give three steps that are necessary to be able to grieve properly:

1.  Recognize and realize that what you are going through is real grief and loss even though other people do not see it that way.

2.  Understand how difficult mourning infertility can be because it is an intangible loss that is private and that few understand.  Also because you must learn to balance grief and the loss of hope at the same time as you are trying to hold on to hope for the next cycle

3.  Become familiar with the phases typical of the grief process.

They remind us of the commonly known stages of grief that infertiles often go through.  There is the initial shock and denial, there are the feelings of sadness, anger and maybe self-blame, there is hope for a miracle, and then finally acceptance.  However they clearly state that this is not a set order of stages.  In fact you can experience them all simultaneously or in reverse order.  Or you can jump around experience different stages more than once.  Wow, doesn’t this sound like a load of fun!

I had to laugh when the writers stated to not worry if your feelings jump all over the place and that it does not mean you are losing your mind!  Whew!  I was beginning to wonder!  But isn’t it sad that that is actually how we feel sometimes.  I know I’m not the only one!

One way they recommend allowing yourself to grieve is to make up a ritual of sorts to help you and your spouse acknowledge and validate the reality of the pain and loss.  They gave examples like going out to dinner every month the day you get your period.  Not that you even have to talk about infertility but it gives you as a couple a time set aside to acknowledge that something significant has happened (or not happened in our cases).  They suggest it could be something like taking a walk or lighting a candle, or buying each other a flower.  I’m not sure if we will try this.  It sounds a bit corny but I do like the idea of dinner.  It would be like a date night to reconnect when your feelings are at their lowest.

Overall though, the biggest thing with grieving is getting your feelings out and not letting them become bottled up inside.  They suggest therapy, support groups, or an infertility diary but I am thinking our blog community is a pretty darn good way of getting it out.  Obviously communication with your spouse is also key, especially since you don’t always grieve in the same way or are in a stage at the same time.

I think the hardest part for me is the fact that I don’t know when or if I will ever be able to completely give up trying.  I hate to think that for the next 10 years, even after we might ultimately adopt, I will always wonder, will it still happen?  And will it still hurt like it does today?  I hope not.  That thought actually depresses me.  But I would guess that after awhile my common sense would prevail…I hope anyway.  It’s just hard to think that far in advance when my brain is stuck where I’m at.   I can plan the future all I want but that doesn’t mean it will happen that way.  So I guess I will just deal with today and today’s grieving period and not try and think too far in advance.  And maybe I actually will try and think up some small ritual we can do each month to recognize the pregnancy that never was.

Ok, my brain is toast after two reviews in one day!  Sorry if it is not one of my better ones!

Next Blog in Blog Ring:  The Follicle Report

Still Smiling

Well, I’ve had time to let it all sink in and amazingly I have felt better and better as this week has gone by.  Thank you all for your sweet comments!  Knowing I have that kind of support means so much because honestly, there’s not many other people that I can talk/write to about this.   I have close family and friends that know what we’re going through but even with them I feel like they are somewhat tired of giving essentially the same advice month after month.  (The one exception being my sister)

This cycle was definitely better because I had a better attitude about it.  It makes me feel good the way I handled it this month.  It makes me feel strong.  Strong because I know I have God leading the way, clearing a path for me and it makes it so much easier to bare.  I hope I can keep may faith strong so I never have to live in utter devastation regarding IF again!  (I know this is wishful thinking but I’m still hoping…and praying!) 

So on the day that I got my negative result I got an e-mail from Bethany Christian Services.  I had requested some information from them on domestic, international and state adoptions several months ago.  I had already received all the domestic and international information packets in the mail but Tuesday I finally go the e-mail stating that the state adoption information was in the mail.  I know it wasn’t like a thunderbolt sign from God or anything but I do think it was quite coincidental that it arrived on the day of my negative result.   It certainly gave me something to think about.

So on Tuesday night at the Pregnancy Center, I saw several little babies.  One was only 4 days (yes days) old!!!!  Not sure why she took him out in the freezing cold but hey, it was fun seeing him.  It just reminded me, again, that I could love any child that was given to me to care for.  Especially one that really needed it.  Talking to one of those little babies and getting him to smile just melted my heart.  I want that more often…ya know!  Even if it’s not MY child.

So, M is coming home tonight from his business trip and I think I’m going to talk with him about maybe starting the process to become foster parents.  I know it takes awhile to get approved and it is basically free for us so it would only “cost” us the effort to complete the paperwork and such.  I just think that state adoption might ultimately be our best chance considering the cost involved with other types of adoption.  And fostering would be a great way to help out some kids in need and someday maybe getting the opportunity to adopt one. 

It’s just a thought.  But I just feel like maybe God is leading me in that direction.  Not like it’s 100% or anything.  But what could it hurt to get a license.  It’s not like you are forced to accept any placements.  I just feel like if God has a child out there for us He will bring them to us and we will know at that time if he/she is the right one to accept for placement (even if it is only temporary). 

The only problem is that I know there is a big potential for heartache involved.  That is my biggest concern with fostering.  My sister and brother-in-law were foster parents and the first little boy they got just stole our hearts.  They only had him for two month and it was so hard for all of us to see him go back to his family (his grandmother took him in).

I know we will have to think about it a lot before we jump right in but it’s just a thought that’s been running around my mind lately!  

Nope…But God is still Good!

Just as I figured.  It was negative.  But I’m doing ok considering.  I was somewhat hopeful as I lay in bed this morning debating about whether or not to test but I was still pretty much expecting a negative given my history.  I figured I might as well get it over with.  I prayed again last night and again this morning before I tested.  I prayed that God would give me comfort and He really has.  Obviously I’m still a little sad but I’m doing much better than I normally do which is an answer to prayer.

I listened to my new Christian Song Mix CD this morning as I got ready.  It definitely helped keep my mind off things and stopped most of the tears.   Just a few snuck out!     

The hard part was telling M.  He is out of town this week on business and I knew he was busy this morning so I just sent him a text message.   He called me back immediately.  I told him I was sorry and that I was doing ok. He just said he felt so bad for me and that he had been thinking about me all morning.   It was really sweet.  I definitely can’t wait for him to get home.  It is lonely without him around! 

Anyway, just wanted to give an update.  I am stopping the progesterone tonight to hopefully avoid prolonging this cycle beyond my normal 14 day LP.  I will get my refills too to make sure I’m ready for the next cycle!       

Ok, back to work.  It’s going to be another busy day!  Later!

But even if He does not…

Well, the craziness hasn’t let up yet unfortunately.  I still haven’t done my Unsung Review yet.  Thankfully we had this past week off for reviewing a new chapter so at least I’m not two weeks behind now.

So I’m 11DPO today.  I’m thinking I will test tomorrow.  The only thing I’ve been feeling is cramps here and there.  But I don’t think that’s a good sign since I am 99% sure I have felt these exact same kind of cramps the past several months (since going on the Clomid/progesterone combo). 

On the other hand, my temps are looking really good this cycle and they were up really high this morning.  Although I’m wondering if it is partly because we had a big warm up in the weather last night.  It has been in the 20’s the past couple weeks and today it was in the 50’s when I was driving into work. 

I’ve been praying like crazy the past week or so.  Not just that the results would be positive but mostly that I would be prepared for (and actually ok with) a negative.  I know I will still be disappointed but I just don’t want it to crush me or make me “mad” at God again.  I’ve been really trying hard to trust God more lately and this will be a true test.  I want to trust Him no matter what the results are.

I heard this really great message last week.  It was about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from the Book of Daniel in the Bible.  These three guys were thrown into a furnace because they refused to bow down and worship the statue that the King had made. 

My favorite part of the story was when the King gave them one more chance to bow down before the statue or he told them they would be immediately thrown into the furnace.  This is what they said in reply:

“O Nebuchadnezzar (the king), we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if He does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

That is truly the prayer of my heart today and has been all week.  Because I know that God has the power to allow me to get pregnant.  But even if He does not, I will still trust in Him and continue to believe that His timing is perfect and I will not allow myself to be sucked into a pit of depression. 

If you think of it, maybe send up a few extra prayers for me.  I have a feeling it’s going to  be negative and a few extra prayers would definitely help!