Unsung Lullabies #6 – Infertility’s Affect on Relationships

Actually written March 3, 2008:  

Ok I am finally getting around to catching up on my reviews.  (And by the way, I got an 87% on my organic chemistry test…I was actually ok with that considering our professor said it would be the hardest test of the semester)

On to my review…

We actually read two chapters this week.  One regarding the male perspective which was very interesting and informative.  It just gave me a different perspective on what my husband could be going through that is different, or sometimes the same, as what I’m going through.  Although until he actually reads it himself, I’m still not exactly sure since even among men, the reactions can be very different.  And since he would never read something like this…unless I forced him…I am just going to try and be more aware of his emotions and if he’s not offering them up, I might gently ask from time to time how he’s doing.  Which actually leads me to the chapter I really want to review which was called “Relationships Under Fire.”

In this chapter the focus is on how infertility affects your relationship with your spouse.  In what has been a resounding theme in the whole book, the basic premise is that as long as you can recognize how infertility is affecting the relationship between you and your spouse, then you can minimize how much effect it really has.

One main point was understanding the difference in how you and your partner cope with the losses of infertility.  Just because you may cope differently, doesn’t mean that one way is right and the other way is wrong.  The key is to understanding the differences and supporting each other in those ways. 

This hit home because M and I are definitely different when it comes to coping.  Throughout this whole process he has shown very little emotion, while I on the other hand, am very emotional.  This should not be surprising to me since this is how we’ve been from the beginning of our relationship.  But since infertility has entered the pictures, there have been several times M and I have gotten into arguments because he has not shared the same response to bad news as I have.  In those moments, it made me think he didn’t really care all that much and it hurt.  But I realized after reading this chapter that I have to be careful not to get angry with him just because he doesn’t display emotion.  It absolutely does not mean he doesn’t care.  His way of coping is to focus on the positive aspects of the life we already have.  This is hard to hear when you just want to vent and get all the bad stuff out.     

The good thing is that M and I have already gotten so much better at this than we did at the beginning.   The first year of infertility was definitely the hardest.  M and I were on completely different pages.  Especially because I suspected a problem long before he did.  I also wanted to get pregnant right away while M was ok if it took a few months.  But the longer we have dealt with this, the more we have seemed to converge in our desires and also in how we cope with another failed cycle.  

It helps that I have found this wonderful online community to vent and share many of my thoughts with.  Because now I don’t have to bombard M with everything that goes through my mind every cycle.  I think because I have talked about it with him less lately (and not overwhelmed him) he has actually been more open and sensitive to me and what I’m feeling.  Even after this latest BFN, he has just been so incredibly sweet.  Even this morning, we were just laying there waking up, not talking and he said, “I wish we could just know why it isn’t happening.”  It was just another little glimpse inside of him to remind me that this really is as important to him as it is to me and that makes me feel so good inside.   And his one comment opened up a whole little conversation and we had a nice moment together.  It is so wonderful to keep in mind that we are a team and we are on this road together.      

Most of the rest of the chapter didn’t really apply to M and I all that much.   The only thing was the importance of being open with each other and willing to negotiate when you have different views on things.  That definitely applies to us since we have somewhat differing opinions as to how far we will go in the ART realm to get pregnant.  But I do think M (who is the more conservative) is doing his best to be open and negotiate with me.   He has shown this by being willing to talk with our priest about it (which we are hopefully going to do this coming week).  We also talked yesterday and he said that he would be ok with looking into what it would take to get a foster license even though I know he hasn’t given up hope of having our own biological child yet.   Despite saying no to certain things…he is still doing a lot to let me know that he wants to work on it…together, which means so much to me.

So basically, despite this chapter being called “Relationships Under Fire,” it actually made me feel better about our relationship.  It made me realize that we are doing well considering the circumstances.  And it really made me appreciate M so much more! 

Here’s the link to the next Blog:  Giant Speed Bump