Unsung Lullabies #5 – If Everyone else can do this, why can’t I?

The chapter I read this week in Unsung Lullabies couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  The whole chapter focused on the injury to a person’s self-esteem when dealing with infertility.  It just seemed like this was written just for me considering what I have been dealing with the past week. 

Basically I have been going from high to low and back like a never ending rollercoaster and I hate it.  One minute I feel hopeful but if something goes even remotely wrong, I feel like I’m going to explode.  Is this what being bi-polar feels like?  This cannot be healthy.   

So in the book they talk about how the important thing to remember is that the more you can identify the negative feelings and recognize them when they happen, the better you will be able to deal with them in a constructive way.  Having a full and complete understanding of the craziness you feel helps you realize that you’re not really crazy.   (oh good, I was starting to get worried.)

I mean, how many of us have honestly felt like we were about to lose it.  I know I have.  And then, after I almost lose it, I beat myself up over almost losing it, like it makes me a bad person because of the reaction I had.  I tell myself I’m crazy, or I’m selfish, or I’m a complete and total bitch and why do I do that?  My self-esteem is injured already from infertility and me berating myself is only furthering the damage.  The authors say that you just need to hold on to the positive things about yourself and realize that infertility is only just a very small part of who you are.

After reading this chapter, I started to make sense of why my husband’s lack of consideration when it came to my birthday this past week put me into a tailspin every time I saw that blank card sitting on the counter.   I’ve certainly felt this way before in my marriage (who doesn’t really) but I just feel so much less able to handle it now.    I actually felt less like fighting because it was almost as if I thought I deserved to feel that way.   His actions just reinforced my own perception of myself that I’m not worth anything and that my husband doesn’t love me as much as I want him to.  Those kinds of thoughts run through my head often, even when I don’t actually verbalize them.    The authors say that to heal, it is crucial to bring these unconscious thoughts to the forefront.  To understand if those thoughts are really true or if they are just stemming from my infertility and my already wounded self-esteem.

They say the best way to heal your self esteem is to emotionally compartmentalize your infertility.  To put infertility in its own container and close the lid so it doesn’t infect every other aspect of your life.  And it makes sense really but since women are such global thinkers that is what makes this extremely hard for us.  We can find relationships between anything and everything.  It is hard for me to not jump around in my thoughts.  Once second I am thinking about a sandwich and the next second that sandwich reminds me of the time I went to that strip mall which is right next to my OB/GYN’s office which in turn reminds me of my infertility.    It’s hard to not allow everything in your life to somehow bring your emotional state back to thoughts of infertility, especially if it is something that has been affecting you for years.  The longer you deal with infertility, the more it seems to invade your whole existence.

But I am going to do my best to work on this.  To keep reminding myself of everything that is great about me and my life.  To recognize that my self-esteem is damaged and figure out what to do to build it back up again.  And lastly to constantly be on the lookout as to when my infertility is the true root of an emotion I’m feeling even if the initial cause seems unrelated.  And if infertility is the root, then I will take it for what it is and choose to not let that feeling alone define my actions.  

By the way, my husband did end up buying me roses for Valentine’s Day and the best part was that he bought a super sweet card and he wrote so many wonderful things in it!  I thought it would feel bad considering I had to beg him to do it, but reading those words really made me feel so special.  And trust me, I made sure he knew how much it meant to me.  I want him to remember this for the next 50 years!

Here’s the Link to the Next Blog:  Giant Speed Bump