Be my Valentine…or not

Well, Valentine’s Day for me is a little bittersweet.  I think they’ve been awful a lot more often than they’ve been good.  For most of my life, I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I never dated anyone longer than 2 months before I met M.  He was was my first long term relationship.  So before him, Valentine’s Day was just another reminder that I was single.

When M and I were dating, I quickly realized that he was not the “romantic type.”  At least not when it came to special days, like birthdays or Valentine’s Day.  But since 99% of our relationship was NOT on one of those days, I didn’t mind.  But I still admit I was almost always a little disappointed when the day actually arrived and it wasn’t as special as I had hoped it would be.

And maybe this is my fault.  Maybe I have too high of expectations.  I can’t tell you how many holidays have been somewhat of a disappointment to me since M and I have been together.  It’s like, I always want them to have special meaning so they will forever hold a place in my memory.  But to M, life isn’t about just those days, holidays…which in reality are like all the other days.   In his opinion, what makes that day any different than the day before, so what’s the big deal.

The only problem is that I do end up remembering those days.  They stick in my memory for a long time but not for good reasons.  The stick because of the disappointment and that’s tough to swallow sometimes.

Anyway, it has bothered me from the beginning, but what can I say?  I still married him even though I knew he was like that.  I mean, obviously there are so many other wonderful things about him that I wouldn’t trade which is why I did marry him.  But at the same time, it makes days like today a little tough.  I see and hear other people talking about what they’re doing to celebrate and I know that when I go home it will be like any other day.  It just kinda hurts. 

I must admit that I kinda brought this on myself in a way too, at least for this Valentine’s Day.  Let me explain…

M disappointed me on my birthday last month too.  As we were heading out the door for dinner to celebrate he realized he never filled out the card he bought (I was so happy he even remembered to buy it at that point).  He knows how much I love getting messages in a card and he knows that if that’s the only thing he gets me, I will be happy.  But he forgot to write in it before we left, and that was ok.  We were crunched for time and I figured he’d do it later. 

The problem was…he didn’t.  I reminded him a few days later that I’d still really like it if he filled out the card for me.  He said he would…but he didn’t.  So a week or two later it was still sitting on the counter so I put it right underneath his wallet so he would remember.  When he left for work, he left the card sitting there.   

Last week when I was feeling pretty crappy, I moved a stack of papers and again saw the card.  This time I was so hurt because I realized he wasn’t going to do it and I wanted to rip it up and leave it for him to find…but I resisted.  That night I just told him to forget about it.  It was too late.  He apologized and that was it, in his mind anyway. 

So last night, I was in a fine mood until I went to clean off the counter and saw the card again.  I had refused to even throw the damn card away yet.  It was not mine.  He never gave it to me.  If he didn’t want to fill it out then the least he could do is throw it out.  I don’t know if it’s the drugs or just the fact that he had already forgotten about it that made me so angry again.  I was mad that something that had hurt me so bad…was still hurting me and I knew M would probably never think about it again.  So I did it…I tore up the card and I left it on the counter for him to find.  I wanted him to know how much it hurt to know that he would not fill out the card…even though he knew I really wanted him to.

So he was hurt that I did that, but I explained why I did it.  From my side, I felt like it wasn’t fair for him to be over it and act like it was no big deal when it meant so much more than that to me.  I didn’t want to fight or yell or cry, I just wanted him to know that when I looked at that card that had been sitting around for a month, it made me want to tear it up.  THAT is how much it hurt me.

I mean, seriously, I don’t ask for much.  I swear, I ask for a LOT less than what I really want from him.  But the fact that he wouldn’t write in the card when it would seriously take 5 -10 minutes max is just sad and I think it says a lot about how he feels about me. 

I think I’ve been too low maintenance for too long.  So now he doesn’t always realize what I need as a wife.  I need to feel loved and cherished sometimes.  That I’m not just his buddy to joke around with.  I need to feel like he is my protector, that he wants to take care of me, that he wants to do things that make me feel good about myself.  Not all the time…but sometimes.  And I think that 2 or 3 days a year are not too much to ask.  By the end of our talk I think he actually got it…FINALLY.   He seemed to anyway.  We’ll see if it sticks.

Anyway, so after our discussion I just told him I didn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s day this year.  It just would feel wrong…like I had to beg for something.  So getting a card or something from him would just feel…not as good.  It means so much more when you don’t have to beg for it…ya know.

So now it’s today and it’s a nothing day for me.  But I do have a little hope, that maybe he will remember this conversation and maybe just maybe he will surprise me with something special and meaningful someday.