Passing Troubles?
February 7, 2008
“Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly”
That was what my fortune in my fortune cookie said today. Not that I believe in fortunes but it was nice because usually I get stupid sayings in them that aren’t even fortunes, like “friendship makes the world go round.” Boring!
Anyway, I am just feeling somewhat hopeful today. Yesterday was CD1 and I was happy to see that my temps (along with fertility friend) had accurately predicted my ovulation day again. I wasn’t sure earlier this cycle because it had said I ovulated a lot earlier than I normally do but sure enough on exactly 15 DPO, AF arrived right on schedule. This was also my first cycle in a while that was non-progesterone enhanced so I was again reminded how regular I am when I’m not medicated.
Although the other thing that was still regular was my pre-AF spotting (sorry if TMI). I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but as soon as I went off birth control to start Natural Family Planning I noticed I would have spotting before AF arrived full force. It happened every month. The only thing that varied was how many days I spotted for. Some cycles it was only 2-3 days other cycles were 4-5 days. The most was 9 days…definitely unusual I think. It was annoying to say the least and also a little troubling. My most recent Clomid cycles (where I also took estrogen and progesterone) eliminated all traces of pre-AF spotting and it had kinda slipped my mind actually.
So now that I was reminded of the only (relatively) unusual part about my cycle I am just wondering if somehow that might be part of the reason I haven’t conceived yet. Maybe I need progesterone support all the time? Although I guess it doesn’t explain why I wasn’t successful the three cycles I used it with the Clomid.
Anyway, so if I don’t get pregnant in the next three cycles, I might ask my doctor if it’s ok if we at least continue the progesterone. I’d just hate to think that even after we stop officially trying that if I actually did end up surprisingly knocked up one day that I would then miscarry due to a progesterone deficiency. That would be awful beyond words.
Anyway, I guess I am at a hopeful stage in my infertility journey right now. Hopeful but also a little scared. Anytime there is hope, there is just that much more room for devastation if it doesn’t go well. I figure these next three cycles are the make-it or break-it cycles. If it doesn’t work, we are done. That is beyond frightening. But I am trying not to think about that right now because right at the moment I feel hopeful and I’m going to stick with that as long as I can.
I see my doctor tomorrow morning for a follow-up to my surgery and to get refills for my upcoming medication regiment. After that, I will just need to make it through a few more hours of work until the weekend. Yay!
By the way, M and I decided that for Lent, instead of giving something up, we will be reading through Matthew every night before bed and talking about it. Lent is a time to deepen your relationship with God. I think reading His Word with M is going to help me do that a lot more than giving up chocolate or sweets.
I also need to get my prayer life back in shape. It just hasn’t been the same since my last extremely disappointing BFN last December which is sad. I hate that I’ve got this wall up inside of me that I have to climb over every time I pray (instead of just tearing it down). It makes me hesitant to even start praying and I know that’s wrong. Maybe I will go to confession/reconciliation tomorrow. I know I can confess my sins to God alone but maybe talking to a priest will give me some further insights. I guess I’ll see.
At least I know I’m heading in the right direction instead of depending on a piece of paper I found in a fortune cookie.
February 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm
It sounds like you are getting things under control. It’s nice when the fortune cookie is right.
February 8, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I have pre-AF spotting as well (anyone who’s worried about TMI shouldn’t be reading IF blogs), and my RE told me it is a sign of an ovulatory irregularity. She says AF is supposed to just start. (Who knew? I kind of liked my early-warning system, so I was sad it was a bad thing.)
I think that early spotting is a sign of a too-short luteal phase. Both clomid and progesterone can help with that. Progesterone for obvious reasons. But I think the clomid, because it helps you create better follicles, also helps resolve a luteal phase problem.
If you can, try not to think about “the end.” It’s never done me any good to do that, and I’ve discovered that “the end” isn’t always the end for real. I thought my last IVF cycle was the end–the drugs were making my fibroid grow and surgery was the only other option. After the cycle failed (ectopic pg), I went through months of investigating adoption and trying to force myself to finish grieving the bio-child dream. I told all my friends that surgery was a horrible idea, with risks, and that it was time to move on. But in the long run, I had the surgery and am going back for more IVF.
This isn’t to say you have to go as far as I am going to get pregnant–it is pretty crazy if you think about it. It’s just to say that thinking about when “the end” is coming won’t actually prepare you for it. So why upset yourself if you can avoid it?
Don’t you ever wish you could go back to being naive and hopeful?
Good luck, sweetie.
February 9, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Warning, assvice!
I am a habitual spotter and my spotting has provided me with months of anguish, in part because I just felt that something wasn’t right. It started suddenly, and no doc could explain it.
It’s great that you’ve investigated things so much. Now, you can roll your eyes and fantasize about slapping me silly, but have you had your TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) tested? My progesterone was always good, but it got way better once my mild hypothyroidism was treated, and so did the spotting.
Another thing that helped me greatly was acupuncture and Chinese medicine, if you’re willing to consider that kind of treatment. I know not everyone feels comfortable with non-Western medicine.
I also have polyps, it turns out, but looks like you’ve explored that avenue already. They’re getting evicted next month.
Finally, I want to wish you the happiest possible outcome and the gentlest path there. The torture of hope and disappointment can be unbearable, and the insensitivity of others to our plight just rubs salt in those wounds. I hope you find your way, whether it’s talking to your priest or taking good, kind care of yourself.