Craziness

Wow, this week has been nuts.  I thought things would settle down after my big exam on Monday and I was so wrong. 

My job has been putting me through the wringer this week.  Geesh, if I’m supposed to keep my stress levels low during the TWW to increase my chances…well, that’s not happening.  I even have to work tomorrow….grrrr! 

Anyway….

I am currently 8 DPO and having no feelings one way or the other.  I’m hopeful but not unrealistic.  My temps look decent but taking progesterone supplements kind of confuses things. 

Well, I just wanted to pop on and give an update.  I am hoping to do last week and this week’s Unsung Lullabies review this coming weekend (although it depends on how work goes tomorrow…hopefully smooth!)!

Unsung Lullabies #6 – Infertility’s Affect on Relationships

Actually written March 3, 2008:  

Ok I am finally getting around to catching up on my reviews.  (And by the way, I got an 87% on my organic chemistry test…I was actually ok with that considering our professor said it would be the hardest test of the semester)

On to my review…

We actually read two chapters this week.  One regarding the male perspective which was very interesting and informative.  It just gave me a different perspective on what my husband could be going through that is different, or sometimes the same, as what I’m going through.  Although until he actually reads it himself, I’m still not exactly sure since even among men, the reactions can be very different.  And since he would never read something like this…unless I forced him…I am just going to try and be more aware of his emotions and if he’s not offering them up, I might gently ask from time to time how he’s doing.  Which actually leads me to the chapter I really want to review which was called “Relationships Under Fire.”

In this chapter the focus is on how infertility affects your relationship with your spouse.  In what has been a resounding theme in the whole book, the basic premise is that as long as you can recognize how infertility is affecting the relationship between you and your spouse, then you can minimize how much effect it really has.

One main point was understanding the difference in how you and your partner cope with the losses of infertility.  Just because you may cope differently, doesn’t mean that one way is right and the other way is wrong.  The key is to understanding the differences and supporting each other in those ways. 

This hit home because M and I are definitely different when it comes to coping.  Throughout this whole process he has shown very little emotion, while I on the other hand, am very emotional.  This should not be surprising to me since this is how we’ve been from the beginning of our relationship.  But since infertility has entered the pictures, there have been several times M and I have gotten into arguments because he has not shared the same response to bad news as I have.  In those moments, it made me think he didn’t really care all that much and it hurt.  But I realized after reading this chapter that I have to be careful not to get angry with him just because he doesn’t display emotion.  It absolutely does not mean he doesn’t care.  His way of coping is to focus on the positive aspects of the life we already have.  This is hard to hear when you just want to vent and get all the bad stuff out.     

The good thing is that M and I have already gotten so much better at this than we did at the beginning.   The first year of infertility was definitely the hardest.  M and I were on completely different pages.  Especially because I suspected a problem long before he did.  I also wanted to get pregnant right away while M was ok if it took a few months.  But the longer we have dealt with this, the more we have seemed to converge in our desires and also in how we cope with another failed cycle.  

It helps that I have found this wonderful online community to vent and share many of my thoughts with.  Because now I don’t have to bombard M with everything that goes through my mind every cycle.  I think because I have talked about it with him less lately (and not overwhelmed him) he has actually been more open and sensitive to me and what I’m feeling.  Even after this latest BFN, he has just been so incredibly sweet.  Even this morning, we were just laying there waking up, not talking and he said, “I wish we could just know why it isn’t happening.”  It was just another little glimpse inside of him to remind me that this really is as important to him as it is to me and that makes me feel so good inside.   And his one comment opened up a whole little conversation and we had a nice moment together.  It is so wonderful to keep in mind that we are a team and we are on this road together.      

Most of the rest of the chapter didn’t really apply to M and I all that much.   The only thing was the importance of being open with each other and willing to negotiate when you have different views on things.  That definitely applies to us since we have somewhat differing opinions as to how far we will go in the ART realm to get pregnant.  But I do think M (who is the more conservative) is doing his best to be open and negotiate with me.   He has shown this by being willing to talk with our priest about it (which we are hopefully going to do this coming week).  We also talked yesterday and he said that he would be ok with looking into what it would take to get a foster license even though I know he hasn’t given up hope of having our own biological child yet.   Despite saying no to certain things…he is still doing a lot to let me know that he wants to work on it…together, which means so much to me.

So basically, despite this chapter being called “Relationships Under Fire,” it actually made me feel better about our relationship.  It made me realize that we are doing well considering the circumstances.  And it really made me appreciate M so much more! 

Here’s the link to the next Blog:  Giant Speed Bump

A Dangling IVF Carrot

So this week has been fairly good!  I have been very busy but my attitude has been so much better…Yay!  I attribute it all to God though.  I started doing my nightly devotional again and of course He has blessed me for it.  I felt 1000 times better this week than I have in all the weeks prior. 

So then mid week I get a phone call from my RE’s office.  Now I haven’t heard from them in months since I’m only seeing my OB/GYN at the moment.  They called to tell me that I’m eligible for a study they’re doing on PCOS patients.  I didn’t get all the details but they are testing the timing of various stimulation meds during IVF cycles.  Apparently the drug company has agreed to foot the bill for all meds during a cycle.  So they told me that brings the cost of a full and complete IVF cycle to about $4200.   I was stunned.  I had always assumed that IVF cost more like 10 – 15 K. 

So I got that call when I was on a high from doing my bible study and at a moment where I was really trusting God with my fertility.  My first thought was…”holy crap, is God testing me here?”  It just seemed that way since I was finally beginning to trust Him again and along comes modern medicine that has a good chance of fixing my problems.  I was in a weird place. 

M and I have always considered IVF off limits although we’ve never discussed in great detail why.  I think the money was always the biggest problem (risking that much for no guarantee of a child at the end) so that aspect always overshadowed the ethical question of IVF. 

However recent talks he and I have had about IUI’s have made it very clear that M is 100% against anything that the Catholic Church is against…which includes IVF.  So now all of a sudden, we had an IVF carrot dangling in front of our faces.  M was and is still against it so it’s not even an option…end of story.  But at that point I was annoyed.  I wished my RE’s office would had never called me.  I just wondered if someday I would regret not doing it…if I never did end up getting pregnant on my own.  

Why God?  Why did you let them call me?  Why did you let them tempt me…right when I finally started trusting you wholeheartedly again?

But then I realized I was thinking about it all wrong.  It was like God knew I would be faced with that temptation.  He knew that M would never go for it.  He knew I would get that call, so He drew me back in, close to himself, at just the perfect time so I would be strong enough to not let it divide M and I. 

And I’m not saying that I believe IVF is right or wrong.  I know there are godly people on both sides of this debate.  I think that is something that everyone must decide on their own.  Heck, my own sister did IVF and has beautiful twin boys as a result and I wouldn’t trade them for anything!  But since it does seem to be a grey area in my mind, I figure I will err on the side of not doing it and I am surprisingly ok with it. 

I’ve come a long way since being so angry with M about not doing IUI’s.  Thank you God!

Anyway, this week has been amazing in many ways and yet of course it had to end with the crappiest, most frustrating day ever (today) that had absolutely nothing to do with infertility at all.  But I am still doing ok!   It’s amazing what a little faith can do.  

I might be a bit late on my Unsung Lullabies review this week since I will be out of town tomorrow and I have a big…huge…extremely hard organic chemistry exam on Monday that I will be studying for like crazy.  So I hope to have it done by Tuesday at the latest!      

Unsung Lullabies #5 – If Everyone else can do this, why can’t I?

The chapter I read this week in Unsung Lullabies couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  The whole chapter focused on the injury to a person’s self-esteem when dealing with infertility.  It just seemed like this was written just for me considering what I have been dealing with the past week. 

Basically I have been going from high to low and back like a never ending rollercoaster and I hate it.  One minute I feel hopeful but if something goes even remotely wrong, I feel like I’m going to explode.  Is this what being bi-polar feels like?  This cannot be healthy.   

So in the book they talk about how the important thing to remember is that the more you can identify the negative feelings and recognize them when they happen, the better you will be able to deal with them in a constructive way.  Having a full and complete understanding of the craziness you feel helps you realize that you’re not really crazy.   (oh good, I was starting to get worried.)

I mean, how many of us have honestly felt like we were about to lose it.  I know I have.  And then, after I almost lose it, I beat myself up over almost losing it, like it makes me a bad person because of the reaction I had.  I tell myself I’m crazy, or I’m selfish, or I’m a complete and total bitch and why do I do that?  My self-esteem is injured already from infertility and me berating myself is only furthering the damage.  The authors say that you just need to hold on to the positive things about yourself and realize that infertility is only just a very small part of who you are.

After reading this chapter, I started to make sense of why my husband’s lack of consideration when it came to my birthday this past week put me into a tailspin every time I saw that blank card sitting on the counter.   I’ve certainly felt this way before in my marriage (who doesn’t really) but I just feel so much less able to handle it now.    I actually felt less like fighting because it was almost as if I thought I deserved to feel that way.   His actions just reinforced my own perception of myself that I’m not worth anything and that my husband doesn’t love me as much as I want him to.  Those kinds of thoughts run through my head often, even when I don’t actually verbalize them.    The authors say that to heal, it is crucial to bring these unconscious thoughts to the forefront.  To understand if those thoughts are really true or if they are just stemming from my infertility and my already wounded self-esteem.

They say the best way to heal your self esteem is to emotionally compartmentalize your infertility.  To put infertility in its own container and close the lid so it doesn’t infect every other aspect of your life.  And it makes sense really but since women are such global thinkers that is what makes this extremely hard for us.  We can find relationships between anything and everything.  It is hard for me to not jump around in my thoughts.  Once second I am thinking about a sandwich and the next second that sandwich reminds me of the time I went to that strip mall which is right next to my OB/GYN’s office which in turn reminds me of my infertility.    It’s hard to not allow everything in your life to somehow bring your emotional state back to thoughts of infertility, especially if it is something that has been affecting you for years.  The longer you deal with infertility, the more it seems to invade your whole existence.

But I am going to do my best to work on this.  To keep reminding myself of everything that is great about me and my life.  To recognize that my self-esteem is damaged and figure out what to do to build it back up again.  And lastly to constantly be on the lookout as to when my infertility is the true root of an emotion I’m feeling even if the initial cause seems unrelated.  And if infertility is the root, then I will take it for what it is and choose to not let that feeling alone define my actions.  

By the way, my husband did end up buying me roses for Valentine’s Day and the best part was that he bought a super sweet card and he wrote so many wonderful things in it!  I thought it would feel bad considering I had to beg him to do it, but reading those words really made me feel so special.  And trust me, I made sure he knew how much it meant to me.  I want him to remember this for the next 50 years!

Here’s the Link to the Next Blog:  Giant Speed Bump

Be my Valentine…or not

Well, Valentine’s Day for me is a little bittersweet.  I think they’ve been awful a lot more often than they’ve been good.  For most of my life, I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I never dated anyone longer than 2 months before I met M.  He was was my first long term relationship.  So before him, Valentine’s Day was just another reminder that I was single.

When M and I were dating, I quickly realized that he was not the “romantic type.”  At least not when it came to special days, like birthdays or Valentine’s Day.  But since 99% of our relationship was NOT on one of those days, I didn’t mind.  But I still admit I was almost always a little disappointed when the day actually arrived and it wasn’t as special as I had hoped it would be.

And maybe this is my fault.  Maybe I have too high of expectations.  I can’t tell you how many holidays have been somewhat of a disappointment to me since M and I have been together.  It’s like, I always want them to have special meaning so they will forever hold a place in my memory.  But to M, life isn’t about just those days, holidays…which in reality are like all the other days.   In his opinion, what makes that day any different than the day before, so what’s the big deal.

The only problem is that I do end up remembering those days.  They stick in my memory for a long time but not for good reasons.  The stick because of the disappointment and that’s tough to swallow sometimes.

Anyway, it has bothered me from the beginning, but what can I say?  I still married him even though I knew he was like that.  I mean, obviously there are so many other wonderful things about him that I wouldn’t trade which is why I did marry him.  But at the same time, it makes days like today a little tough.  I see and hear other people talking about what they’re doing to celebrate and I know that when I go home it will be like any other day.  It just kinda hurts. 

I must admit that I kinda brought this on myself in a way too, at least for this Valentine’s Day.  Let me explain…

M disappointed me on my birthday last month too.  As we were heading out the door for dinner to celebrate he realized he never filled out the card he bought (I was so happy he even remembered to buy it at that point).  He knows how much I love getting messages in a card and he knows that if that’s the only thing he gets me, I will be happy.  But he forgot to write in it before we left, and that was ok.  We were crunched for time and I figured he’d do it later. 

The problem was…he didn’t.  I reminded him a few days later that I’d still really like it if he filled out the card for me.  He said he would…but he didn’t.  So a week or two later it was still sitting on the counter so I put it right underneath his wallet so he would remember.  When he left for work, he left the card sitting there.   

Last week when I was feeling pretty crappy, I moved a stack of papers and again saw the card.  This time I was so hurt because I realized he wasn’t going to do it and I wanted to rip it up and leave it for him to find…but I resisted.  That night I just told him to forget about it.  It was too late.  He apologized and that was it, in his mind anyway. 

So last night, I was in a fine mood until I went to clean off the counter and saw the card again.  I had refused to even throw the damn card away yet.  It was not mine.  He never gave it to me.  If he didn’t want to fill it out then the least he could do is throw it out.  I don’t know if it’s the drugs or just the fact that he had already forgotten about it that made me so angry again.  I was mad that something that had hurt me so bad…was still hurting me and I knew M would probably never think about it again.  So I did it…I tore up the card and I left it on the counter for him to find.  I wanted him to know how much it hurt to know that he would not fill out the card…even though he knew I really wanted him to.

So he was hurt that I did that, but I explained why I did it.  From my side, I felt like it wasn’t fair for him to be over it and act like it was no big deal when it meant so much more than that to me.  I didn’t want to fight or yell or cry, I just wanted him to know that when I looked at that card that had been sitting around for a month, it made me want to tear it up.  THAT is how much it hurt me.

I mean, seriously, I don’t ask for much.  I swear, I ask for a LOT less than what I really want from him.  But the fact that he wouldn’t write in the card when it would seriously take 5 -10 minutes max is just sad and I think it says a lot about how he feels about me. 

I think I’ve been too low maintenance for too long.  So now he doesn’t always realize what I need as a wife.  I need to feel loved and cherished sometimes.  That I’m not just his buddy to joke around with.  I need to feel like he is my protector, that he wants to take care of me, that he wants to do things that make me feel good about myself.  Not all the time…but sometimes.  And I think that 2 or 3 days a year are not too much to ask.  By the end of our talk I think he actually got it…FINALLY.   He seemed to anyway.  We’ll see if it sticks.

Anyway, so after our discussion I just told him I didn’t want to do anything for Valentine’s day this year.  It just would feel wrong…like I had to beg for something.  So getting a card or something from him would just feel…not as good.  It means so much more when you don’t have to beg for it…ya know.

So now it’s today and it’s a nothing day for me.  But I do have a little hope, that maybe he will remember this conversation and maybe just maybe he will surprise me with something special and meaningful someday. 

Killing Time

Well, I obviously decided to try a new look.  My old template was hard to read, in my opinion.  I decided to go with something simpler instead.   I think I like it!

So I took my last Clomid pill yesterday and managed to survive without hurting anyone.  In fact, I actually had a pretty nice evening with my hubby.    This morning I started my estrogen pills which I affectionately dub, the happy pills.  Well, at least happy as compared to the Clomid anyway.  For some reason I feel so much happier once I’m on the estrogen.  I don’t know if it’s a true side effect or not.  Maybe it’s all psychological though since at this point ovulation day is drawing closer which always lifts my spirits. 

Anyway, I’m bored out of my mind at work today.  I’ve been trying to find things to keep looking busy but I am failing miserably.  It doesn’t help that my boss has been hovering around so I am so self-conscious about it.  I seriously just want to play hookie (sp?) and leave.  I swear, no one would even know.  They would just think I went to a meeting.  I know…that is so bad and unprofessional, hence why I always think about it…but never actually do it.   Although…the Unsung Lullaby people say it’s perfectly normal to feel imcompetent in your job when you’re dealing with infertility…so it’s ok right?

Obviously this is a completely useless post but since it has given me something to do for the past hour (yes, it’s taken an hour since I kept having to minimize my post window when my boss walked by or was standing in view of my computer screen), I would say it has served it’s rightful purpose! 

Happy Hump Day Everyone!   

Clomid Sucks

Remember how a few days ago I was all excited to be taking Clomid again?  Well, let’s just say the infatuation has passed and I am once again reminded how utterly crappy it makes me feel.

It’s like PMS x 10!  At least for me anyway.  I’m doing ok but my emotions are so close to the surface.  I fear for the safety of the person who asks me about children today.  Well, maybe not their safety exactly, but they would definitely feel pretty bad afterwards considering I am sure I would burst into tears. 

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating just a tad.  But I really do feel out of it.  It doesn’t help that my grandfather passed away on Friday and we had his funeral yesterday.  Don’t worry…we were not close to him at all.  That would have made it easier to handle if all the emotions we have felt for my sister were not still so raw.  When I cried this weekend it was for my sister and I know my whole immediate family felt the same.  We were just starting to make some progress moving on and then this.  It was just too much of a reminder too soon. 

And the Clomid didn’t help.  At least the funeral is over and my whole family vehemently agreed that none of the rest of us are going to die for a very very long time.  So we should have a break for awhile…God willing!    

Anyway, that was all.  I just needed to vent.  My head feels so spacey.  I wonder if it’s even the Clomid at all…or maybe I’m just getting another cold?  Oh geesh, I hope not because my only relief from colds is Claritin-D and at this point I would rather die than take it and consequently dry up all that wonderful EWCM that might crop up in the next week! 

See…PMS X 10.  I know I am being so overdramatic…seriously.  Be glad you do not live in my area! 

UnSung Lullabies #4 – Losses and Becoming an Adult

This week in Unsung Lullabies we are covering two chapters. 

Chapter 3:  The Losses of Infertility

In this chapter, the authors start out by talking about a healthy person’s identity.  They state how a person’s identity is like a puzzle.  When all the pieces are there, or maybe even if only a few pieces are missing, you can still see what the puzzle is supposed to look like.    However…

“With infertility, too many puzzle pieces are missing.  Like the puzzle that loses shape when too many pieces are lost, infertility causes our sense of self to fragment.  Our sense of who we are becomes undermined and weakened; rather than feeling solid and whole, we feel vulnerable and scattered, wounded, depleted, and confused, like we’re running on empty.”

Wow, that just hit me.  I got more of a glimpse of why this whole journey has been affecting me the way it has.  It has not only hurt because I haven’t acquired the child that I want, but also because my very core of who/what I believe about myself, my identity, has been shaken.

So here are the missing puzzle pieces the authors identified (my comments in parentheses):

1.  The loss of the experience of pregnancy and birth and everything that goes along with it (people being excited for you, baby showers, decorating the nursery, etc.)

2.  The loss of a sense of belonging (you feel like you don’t always fit in among family, friends, and society)

3.  The loss of being in control (no matter how hard you try, you cannot will your body to become pregnant)

4.  The loss of feeling healthy and normal (you have to shift from normal to infertility patient)

5.  The loss of feeling competent (you realize you can’t always achieve what you set out to)

6.  The loss of sexual intimacy (what was once private and supposedly magical, is now clinical and completely not sexy)

I can’t even begin to tell you how very much I identified with ALL of these losses.  I just had never seen them laid out and defined so well.  It just so neatly summarized all the confusion I have felt the last year.  The grief is just so much more than just not having a baby in your arms…hence why “just adopting” is not going to magically take away all the pain of these losses and in fact, could even add to some of them (i.e. loss of control)

As I read, I would instantly think of 3-4 exact instances when when I have felt the grief of each one of these.  And trust me, I didn’t have to dig deep to find them.  They are still very raw (as evidenced by the sting when I got another baby shower invite on Saturday).

Throughout the chapter, the authors suggest that it is important to keep some of these losses separate (compartmentalized) from the rest of your identity.  They say it makes it much easier to cope and not lose who you are in this journey.  They will apparantly go into this in more detail in a later chapter.  But they emphasize that identifying these losses is the first step because you cannot properly mourn something that you haven’t acknowledged even exists.

Chapter 4:  How Can I Be an Adult if I Don’t Become a Parent? 

I though the chapter was good but not quite as intriguing as chapter 3.  The one point that really struck me though was when they talk about how when a person finally has children, their relationship with their own parents becomes more of a peer relationship then a parent/child relationship.  Suddenly you may be able to relate so much better to your own parents because now you fully understand what it is like to love your child.  When this part of growing up or maturing doesn’t happen, you may feel stuck and feel like your parents don’t consider you an adult yet. 

I have already noticed this in my own family.  We are all extremely close but there have been a lot of changes in the past 4-5 year since my sister has had children.

When we get together, my sister and my mom talk about my niece and nephews a lot.  They share notes and my mom gives my sister parenting advice.  I just sit there and listen for the most part although I try to pipe in when I can.  But most of the time I feel left out.  But I can completely understand why this is and I don’t blame them.  They can bond over kid stuff and I don’t have anything like that to share with and relate to my own parents.  My mom is just not capable of giving me advice in many areas of my current life.    She can’t relate to my current job or even my new career in nursing.  She just doesn’t know anything about them.  So when she asks me how work or my classes are going I just say fine.  I know that’s all she really wants to know, no details needed.  But it does leave me feeling a little like an outsider.  Like it’s the conversation at the grown-up table that I’m not old enough to “understand” yet.   

Observation (not from the book):

Another thing I have noticed more and more is that lately, I naturally gravitate to male dominated conversations.  When I am hanging out with both men and women, the two groups tend to segregate and talk amongst themselves.  You know what group I tend to join?  Yes, the men.  I’m not even aware that I do it.   But I think I must have subconsciously figured out that I have a better chance of having a non child-related conversation with the men than I do with the women.  But there is no winning in this situation because if I hang with the women, I feel unfeminine because I have nothing in common with what they are usually talking about but if I hang with the men, I feel unfeminine because…well, that’s just self-explanatory.  There’s nothing feminine about standing next to my husband drinking a beer, talking about sports. 

Ok, I have jabbered on long enough.  I even strayed a bit from the book in that last part.  But it was just an observation about myself and how I am dealing with (or not dealing with) my wounded identity which is exactly what the book is trying to help me do!  Can you tell I’m getting a lot out of this book!  I can’t wait to keep digging deeper!  Until next week…

Next Post in the Blog Ring: Giant Speed Bump

Doom and Gloom No More

So I just got back from my OB/GYN appointment.  It went well, exactly as I expected it.

I got my prescriptions and already took my first Clomid dose since today is CD 3.  My doctor is again very hopeful that this will finally work for me.  I am trying to mirror his optimism…but then again, he has been hopeful before and it didn’t pan out.  I am trying not to think about that though!

Also, Babychaser pointed out something very important in her comment on my last post.  She reminded me that I should maybe try not focusing on looking ahead to ”the end” so much because you never really know when it will really be “the end” until you get there and make the decision at that time.  There is really no way to make that decision now because M and I could very well change our minds in 3 months.  And there is no sense deciding it’s going to be the end now and be depressed about it since it could not even be true.   So thanks for that advice!  I am going to be focusing on this cycle instead and wishing, hoping and praying like crazy that this is the one. 

I know I am setting myself up for more disappointment here but I am willing to take the risk.  This is the most open my tubes will ever be so I am going to try and just “relax” and enjoy myself this month instead of being all doomy and gloomy! 

Ok, so now I just have to tell this story about what happened when I left work yesterday.  Thankfully I was in a pretty good mood to start so what happened didn’t send me into a tailspin of misery! 

So I started walking down the hall to exit my building and who do I run into but my 6 month pregnant co-worker.  One of the girls that I haven’t actually come out and acknowledged/congratulated her on her pregnancy yet.  I’ve been doing my best to avoid her ever since I figured it out.

So it’s a long walk out to the parking lot and I know I need to at least be pleasant and kind to her but I decide that I’m not bringing up her pregnancy if at all possible.  So we start chatting and I swear every comment she made was hinting at/around her pregnancy.  But I refused to take the bait.  I was just making small talk…ya know!  So here’s how the the conversation sorta went:

Her:  I have been feeling so worn out lately.  I should have went home hours ago. (bait #1)

 Me:  Oh…well at least tomorrow is Friday.

Her:  It’s just such a long time before Easter break.  I wish I could take a vacation day but I am trying to save them up. (bait #2)

Me:  Oh yes, I always like to save up my vacation days too.  I hate using so many up at the beginning of the year.

Her:  (apparently she decides that I am not getting the hint/taking the bait) Oh I am saving them up so I can have extra time off before and after my maternity leave.

Me:  Oh…

Her:  I am so looking forward to taking 5 months leave.  I am due at the end of May so I will have the whole summer off.  It’s going to be great.  Then when I come back to work, all the really hard parts of my job I have coming up will be over already.

Me:  Yes, I can’t tell you how many times I would love to take that much time off so that other people can do my work.  (said jokingly, in a nice way)

Her:  Well, you just have to get pregnant and then you can take that much time off too.

Me:  Ah….yes… ha ha (cringing inside)

Yes, it was just a wonderful conversation.  I was soooooo tempted to say something like:

Me:  Well, yes, that would be a way to do it except that I’m infertile so that isn’t possible but thanks for the suggestion.  Back to the drawing board.

Except that I knew that would just open the door to more assvice and I didn’t want to be responsible for strangling the poor girl!

But to be honest, she actually is a nice girl so I hate ragging on her.  It’s just that it again reminded me that I never want to be “that pregnant woman” that feels the need to constantly talk about being pregnant to people around her who aren’t asking.  It makes it seem like you are just looking for attention, even though you might not be. 

I realize they probably do this just because that’s all they think about and because so many people truly are interested in their pregnancy.  I mean, I think about being infertile all the time.   If I were pregnant, I can guarantee I would be thinking about it all the time. 

I just wanted to remember this moment for when* I get pregnant so I don’t inflict this kind of behavior on others.  I will save my pregnancy talk for the people in my life who actually care and want to know about it, not random co-workers or people I barely know who haven’t asked. 

*See I’m already trying to think positive.

Anyway…HAPPY FRIDAY everyone!  I am so ready for the weekend!

Passing Troubles?

“Any troubles you may have will pass very shortly”

That was what my fortune in my fortune cookie said today.  Not that I believe in fortunes but it was nice because usually I get stupid sayings in them that aren’t even fortunes, like “friendship makes the world go round.”  Boring!

Anyway, I am just feeling somewhat hopeful today.  Yesterday was CD1 and I was happy to see that my temps (along with fertility friend) had accurately predicted my ovulation day again.  I wasn’t sure earlier this cycle because it had said I ovulated a lot earlier than I normally do but sure enough on exactly 15 DPO, AF arrived right on schedule.  This was also my first cycle in a while that was non-progesterone enhanced so I was again reminded how regular I am when I’m not medicated. 

Although the other thing that was still regular was my pre-AF spotting (sorry if TMI).  I don’t think I’ve mentioned this before but as soon as I went off birth control to start Natural Family Planning I noticed I would have spotting before AF arrived full force.  It happened every month.  The only thing that varied was how many days I spotted for.  Some cycles it was only 2-3 days other cycles were 4-5 days.  The most was 9 days…definitely unusual I think.  It was annoying to say the least and also a little troubling.  My most recent Clomid cycles (where I also took estrogen and progesterone) eliminated all traces of pre-AF spotting and it had kinda slipped my mind actually. 

So now that I was reminded of the only (relatively) unusual part about my cycle I am just wondering if somehow that might be part of the reason I haven’t conceived yet.  Maybe I need progesterone support all the time?   Although I guess it doesn’t explain why I wasn’t successful the three cycles I used it with the Clomid. 

Anyway, so if I don’t get pregnant in the next three cycles, I might ask my doctor if it’s ok if we at least continue the progesterone.  I’d just hate to think that even after we stop officially trying that if I actually did end up surprisingly knocked up one day that I would then miscarry due to a progesterone deficiency.  That would be awful beyond words.

Anyway, I guess I am at a hopeful stage in my infertility journey right now.  Hopeful but also a little scared.  Anytime there is hope, there is just that much more room for devastation if it doesn’t go well.  I figure these next three cycles are the make-it or break-it cycles.   If it doesn’t work, we are done.  That is beyond frightening.  But I am trying not to think about that right now because right at the moment I feel hopeful and I’m going to stick with that as long as I can.

I see my doctor tomorrow morning for a follow-up to my surgery and to get refills for my upcoming medication regiment.  After that, I will just need to make it through a few more hours of work until the weekend.  Yay!   

By the way, M and I decided that for Lent, instead of giving something up, we will be reading through Matthew every night before bed and talking about it.  Lent is a time to deepen your relationship with God.  I think reading His Word with M is going to help me do that a lot more than giving up chocolate or sweets. 

I also need to get my prayer life back in shape.  It just hasn’t been the same since my last extremely disappointing BFN last December which is sad.  I hate that I’ve got this wall up inside of me that I have to climb over every time I pray (instead of just tearing it down).  It makes me hesitant to even start praying and I know that’s wrong.  Maybe I will go to confession/reconciliation tomorrow.  I know I can confess my sins to God alone but maybe talking to a priest will give me some further insights.  I guess I’ll see.   

At least I know I’m heading in the right direction instead of depending on a piece of paper I found in a fortune cookie.

UnSung Lullabies #3 – Your Reproductive Story

Did you ever stop and think about why infertility hurts so much?  I’m sure we all have at one point or another but sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why it is so painful.  I think it’s easy to just say it’s because a child is something many of us have always wanted and to not be able to have that…hurts.

But the writers of Unsung Lullabies feel like just knowing that infertility prevents you from having the child you always wanted is just the tip of the iceberg.  They talk about something that everyone has, but not everyone really digs into or thinks about…until faced with infertility.  They call it your Reproductive Story or in other words the ways in which you acted which reinforced how you felt your life was “supposed to be” when it came to having a family.  It is the basis of your entire identity in life and how you view yourself. 

Every person’s reproductive story is completely unique.  You start writing it from your earliest memories and experiences as a child although you probably don’t recognize its significance until something comes along that alters it.  The writers claim that this clash is the basis of the trauma of fertility.

Think about it…little 4 and 5 year old girls and boys start playing house at a young age.  “You be the daddy, I’ll be the mommy.”    How many times you have said or thought, “when I have kids I’ll do this with them” or “when I’m a parent, I wont treat my children that way.”  Maybe it isn’t even words, as the writers suggest, but instead just pictures in your mind of your kids running up to you for a kiss when they fall and scrape their knee.   Or maybe it is the image of a decorated nursery in “that room” when you bought your first home with a family in mind.   

The writers of the book recommend that thoroughly understanding your own reproductive story and sharing it can actually help to ease some of the pain once your story starts unfolding very differently than how you thought it would. 

I could identify with so many of the examples they gave in the book.  When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a mom.  I babysat for friends and neighbors from the time I was 12 until I was 21.  I actually prided myself on being able to care for children no matter their age, number or personalities.  I especially loved when the neighbors would have a new baby so I could have a chance to watch an infant again.  I always thought that all that babysitting would help prepare me to be a really good mom right from the get-go.  I would never be the new mom that didn’t know anything about babies.

When I went to college…even though I put so much effort into getting my degree and starting a career, I knew I still wanted to be a stay at home mom eventually.   I even told those feelings to Mike when we first started dating just to warn him.  But he loved that about me, he always wanted a wife who would be willing to stay home with the kids.  

When Mike and I finally got married we lived in a 1 bathroom house with the tiniest kitchen and a laundry room in what we called ”the Blair Witch basement.”  I knew I didn’t want to raise a family there.  So I immediately started thinking about moving.  Mike wasn’t ready for kids yet so he wasn’t in a rush to move because the house was fine for us.  But I knew that I wanted to be settled in a home that was fit for a family quickly.  I knew we wouldn’t try right away but I wanted to be ready for the day when Mike was finally ready too.    Little did I know how all these thoughts and feelings were just setting me up for a heartbreak like I had never known. 

I mean, I never thought I would have trouble conceiving.  Even though my sister and brother-in-law had to go through IVF (due to MFI), I still never thought it would happen to me.  Society hasn’t helped matter either.  The writers bring up the fact that birth control has sent out an unspoken message to us over the years.  “You can CONTROL your fertility.”  I think we probably have all been through those years when we practiced birth control and thought at the time…what if we mess up and get pregnant before we’re ready?  Now that we are all in the position we are in…we cynically laugh about those days, why did we waste our time and money?  Just because we could control our bodies in not getting pregnant, the reverse was not always true.

So what does hashing through your Reproductive Story do for you?  The writers suggest that telling your story is the first step towards healing.  It gives you the chance to gain more personal insight into why you hurt the way you do.  Sharing it with your partner and hearing their own reproductive story can draw you closer together as you understand the difference and similarities that they each contain.  The writers even encourage keeping an infertility diary.  I think that is why so many of us have found solace in the blog world.  It’s our way of telling our stories and sharing in the stories of others. 

Overall, this was a really great chapter.  It really brought to light how ingrained it was for me to have children, starting in my childhood and continuing throughout my whole life.  It helps to know why it is so hard for me to accept the possibility of not ever having my own biological child.  To never know what it’s like to have a life growing inside you.  To never be that women on TLC’s “The Baby Story” who bursts into tears when their baby is finally placed in their arms.  (by the way, I cry every time I watch that stinking show!)  These thoughts have not been a part of my story for 31 years, so why do people seem to think that after only 1 – 2 years of treatment that it would be so easy to change my expectations, to rewrite my story to maybe include something like adoption.  That’s just crazy.  This is something that needs much more time for a person to be able to really reach the point of acceptance and to enable them to start rewriting their story.     

That’s it for now.  Stay tuned next week to read the continuation of my journey through Unsung Lullabies.  I think it’s going to be really really good for me. 

Next Blog:  Giant Speed Bump

Infertility Sensitivity School

You know I’ve been learning to deal with infertility for almost two years and been reading IF blogs for about 3-4 months now.  So today I got a powerful reminder of just how far I’ve come in terms of my sensitivity to those around me.  I’ve learned a lot from what I’ll called “Infertility Sensitivity School.” 

I’ve learned from my own experience and personal reflection (Introspection 101).  I’ve learned from friends and family who have supported me or failed in that support (Empathy and Assvice 215).  And I have learned from many of you (Blog Wisdom 495). 

In a way, I am so thankful for infertility and what it has taught me about life.  It hasn’t been fun but I hate to think about how I might have ended up (sensitivity-wise) had I not gone through it.  Here are a few of the most important things I have learned these past few years!

 1.  When someone you care about has a death in their life or suffers a miscarriage…send a sympathy card.  All grief is the same, the loss of a precious life.  I learned that just sending a card means so much.  I can’t believe I have never taken the time to do this before.  I haven’t had too many friends loose a loved one, but several of my friends have had miscarriages and I never sent them anything.  This I learned mostly from a post by Ann after the loss of her son.  And it hit home even more as I went through the loss of my sister this past month. 

2.  The importance of listening.  The ability to provide support and allowing someone to vent without offering up advice.  I think I have always been a pretty good listener but I am now much more sensitive to the knowledge that just listening and validating that person’s feelings is really the best way I can help.   

3.  Gracefully avoiding other pregnant women and baby showers if done discretely does not mean I’m a b_tch.  (ok, this is just self-indulgent of me.  I guess it doesn’t really apply to my sensitivity school training only to my sense of sanity!)  But I can assure you that I will remember this when/if I ever do get pregnant.  I refuse to be that girl who expects the world to revolve around her (even if not obnoxiously so) just because she is pregnant!  So maybe it does apply.

4.  Friends dealing with other kinds of losses feel pain just like me.  Biggest example (but I am open to being informed of more examples)…Single friends who have yet to meet/marry someone they love.  Talk about feeling left behind.  I know we as infertiles sometimes feel like we are left behind as all our friends start having kids.  But think about how left behind our single friends must feel.  They not only want to avoid baby showers…but wedding showers and weddings too.  They probably feel even more behind than I do and I don’t know why I was oblivious to that until only just recently. 

I bring these up because I feel guilty for things I have done in the past.  I wish I could go back and fix the things I have said or the ways I have acted that were insensitive.  Unfortunately I can’t, but at least I can go on and hopefully prove that I’ve come a long way in sensitivity school. 

I had lunch with a good friend today who is my age and still single.  She is a great girl but has never found Mr. Right.   We have been friends since 2000 around the time I started dating my husband.  She was always a good friend even when I got engaged and married.  She came to my shower and wedding.  And now that I am in this new stage of my life, she has always graciously listened to me when I have told her about my latest infertility saga.  She has provided a lot of support to me the past 8 years and I am so grateful for that.  

Today at lunch my situation came up again and I just decided it was the right time to tell her how sorry I was for my past insensitivity about her situation.  I explained how I had only just realized that the pain of not being married or even just having a boyfriend most likely gives her the same feelings of loss and isolation.   I think I shocked her…in a good way though. 

I mean, I think about how insecure I feel not knowing if/when I will ever get pregnant.  But imagine the insecurity of not knowing if/when you will ever meet someone to love you and share your life with.  My friend got tears in her eyes when talking about it and I felt so bad for not realizing the depth of her pain before.  But I also felt good in that I think I made a breakthrough with being there for her like she has always been there for me.  I need to be better about validating her feelings.  In the past, I would just avoid bringing her singleness up because I didn’t want to make her feel worse…but that is exactly the type of thing that bothers me about some of my other friends.  Can you believe what a hypocrite I was being?

So I just wanted to say thanks to my body and all its fertility challenges and thanks to my friends IRL and in blogland who provided the right and wrong kind of support.  My days in Infertility Sensitivity School are certainly not over and I’m still not getting all A’s but I do hope I at least get a good progress report.  I guess becoming a different person isn’t all bad.