Unsung Lullbies #2 – Intro and Chapter 1

Hey There Everyone,

 Sorry I was somewhat MIA last week.  It was very busy and I kept meaning to get on and write, but then something would pull me away.  It was mostly busy because I did end up having my laparascopic surgery yesterday.  Wow, how’s that for service.  My doctor told me last Wednesday that he wanted to do it and it’s already done.  Considering infertility treatments seem to be all about the long waits, it was amazing to me that I got this surgery decided on and completed in 10 days!   My doctor really is awesome! 

The good news is, the surgery went well.  No complications and I had a much easier time with the anesthesia than I did last time.  I am still in pain when sitting or standing due to the gas still in my abdomen, but aside from that I am feeling pretty good.  The bad news/good news (depending on how you look at it) is that the doctor didn’t find anything at all.  There was not a speck of endo to be found.  He did profuse my tubes and they are clear as day…wait…that comparison doesn’t actually work in this case.  Well, they were clear anyway.   So I guess it really was all good news. 

So I will continue with Clomid again starting next month.  But I must say that even though the surgery wasn’t all that productive, I seem to have gained a real peace about things now.  I feel like now I have done everything I can do and there is really no medical reason why I’m not getting pregnant.  So at this point I really just have to give it to God and let Him work His plan for my life…whatever that may be.  I know this is easier said then done (as are all things regarding infertility) but I really do feel ok with things.  Despite my one little minor setback last weekend (with my supposed ally, which I think in the grand scheme of things I handled rather well), I really have been doing better.  I hope it continues, especially with my reading of Unsung Lullabies. 

Speaking of Unsung Lullabies…now on to my thoughts on the Intro and Chapter 1.

Overall, I was pretty impressed with the intro and first chapter.  It really made me believe that the writers knew what they were talking about and they gave me glimpses of  what was to come in the book that made me excited to get those parts.

Overall, I agree with them, obviously, that infertility is a trauma in a person’s life.  I just never thought of it in those terms before.  They define a trauma as an event or series of events that pushes a person to their limits and is overwhelming, emotionally, physically or both.  I think that pretty well describes how I have felt much of the past 1 – 1/2 years. 

They talk about how when a person is finally faced with the fact that they are “infertile” or at least not as fertile as the rest of the world it causes a deep shift in their innermost person that really is again, traumatic.

I agree that my experiences with this disease have really changed how I view myself and the world…hence the title of my blog, “Becoming a different person.”  This need to reconcile who I thought I was and now who I really am, is no fun task. 

This has been especially hard for me because I hate failing.  Now I realize that no one loves failing, but for me I feel like it is especially difficult.  All my life I have been pretty good at most things I have done.  I got really good grades, I excelled in several sports, I had a lot of friends, I got a great job right out of college, I bought my own house, I married a wonderful man, my husband and I built our dream home together…it all worked, and selfishly, I guess, I was very proud of what I had accomplished thus far in life. 

Now, don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying that I never failed at anything.  In looking back on my life I realized that whenever I attempted something that I wasn’t good at…I didn’t like it, and therefore would not pursue it.  So I always avoided things that were a challenge for me.  If I didn’t think I could succeed, I would just not try in the first place. 

With infertility, I don’t have much of a choice now do I?  If I want a child of my own, which I desperately do, then I can’t just stop trying even though I keep failing, failing failing, cycle after cycle after cycle.

So dealing with this kind of failure has taken me completely out of my comfort zone.  I think that’s why I almost feel better about a failed cycle when I haven’t tried so hard.  The harder I try, the worse it hurts when I fail.  Just looking at it in this way makes me realize why I get so down on myself for my infertility and why it hurts as bad as it does.  And I know I’m not alone here.  I bet 99% of you guys out there feel the exact same way.  It’s just finally being able to look at myself for who I am and why I feel the way I do. 

In the book, the authors mention the importance of not keeping everything you feel about infertility locked inside and I think I am ready to tackle that.  I have shared my infertility with quite a few people but only a few of them have taken an interest and ask me about it from time to time.  The rest of them ignore the topic and to be honest, that hurts even more.  I realize that they think they are being sensitive, by not bringing it up.  But it makes it seem like they don’t care.  So I guess I need to start being more open about how I feel and offering up information instead of waiting for people to ask.  So, I am looking forward to getting to the parts in the book that dig deeper into this idea of being more open with your feelings.  They mention they will give tips and steps as to how to do this most effectively. 

That is all I’m going to write for now since this was primarily just the introduction to what I am sure is going to be a great help to me.  I think I will have more to say as I dig more into the meat of this book!  Thanks for listening.

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