Calling all Nurses!

Ok, I found a few IF blogs already where the women are nurses but I want to find more!  If you are a nurse and have an IF blog, let me know!  I would love to read your blog and hopefully get more of the inside scoop on being a nurse…since I am hoping to be one myself in 2 years or so.  (and don’t worry,  I know you might not post about nursing every day)

And if you also happen to know of other non-IF related nursing blogs…that would be cool too!  I like to see what different areas of nursing are like and what kinds of things are good…and not so good…about it! 

Thanks Everyone!

By the way, I also just want to thank everyone out there in blogland for giving me the BEST diversion EVER for when I don’t feel like working (like now).  I swear, my productivity has went to pot in the last few months since I found this community.  Your guys’ blogs are soooo addicting! 

Oh My Gosh!

Seriously!  I just walked to the bathroom and saw one of the pregnant girls in my office talking to another girl…who I just realized was ALSO pregnant.  They were talking about pregnancy stuff…gag!

I think I might just avoid leaving my cubicle for the rest of the afternoon.   I can’t go anywhere without being bombarded with pregnancy news…grrrr!

It might be bitchy but I refuse to even go around congratulating everyone.  They will get enough of that without me having to add to it.  It’s all about self-preservation! 

What a great day!  (but seriously, I am still ok, it’s just like, “how much do I have to endure already”)

No…not everyone

Ok, let me preface this post by saying, “I’m ok.”

But at the same time, I need to vent.  I just happened to walk into the lunch room (small little room with the fridge and microwaves) at my work and there were a couple people in there warming their lunches.  Here’s how it went…

Co-worker A:  Hey, did you hear?  “So-and-so” has bagels at their desk to celebrate the fact that his wife is pregnant again.

Co-worker B (who is a pretty good friend and actually knows about my issues):  Oh my gosh, didn’t they just have a baby?  It seems like EVERYONE is pregnant around here

Um hello!!!!!!!!  I’m standing right here, thank you very much!  This idea that EVERYONE is pregnant around here is news to me.   It’s always nice to have a little salt in the wound on a bright Tuesday morning, fresh off a surgery meant to whip my reproductive organs back into shape!

I am not mad at her at all, it just reminded me once again that no one knows what it’s like to be in my shoes…at least not here at work anyway.  It was just a little annoying!  It’s little comments like that, that people don’t even think about when they say it.  But I get it…no one else here “gets it.”  Not until you’ve been there.

So anyway, I have an exam in Organic Chemistry on Wednesday.  Yikes!  My first one. I think I should do ok though.  I understand it all (yay), I just need to keep going over it and over it and over it…so I remember it all (boo)!

It is kinda nice having this break cycle.  Since I have zero chance of being pregnant…I’m not stressing at all.  Of course I am still excited to get going on the next cycle but I’m trying to enjoy this while it lasts. 

Anyway, I just wish I could get through 1 week without a pregnancy announcement. 

Unsung Lullbies #2 – Intro and Chapter 1

Hey There Everyone,

 Sorry I was somewhat MIA last week.  It was very busy and I kept meaning to get on and write, but then something would pull me away.  It was mostly busy because I did end up having my laparascopic surgery yesterday.  Wow, how’s that for service.  My doctor told me last Wednesday that he wanted to do it and it’s already done.  Considering infertility treatments seem to be all about the long waits, it was amazing to me that I got this surgery decided on and completed in 10 days!   My doctor really is awesome! 

The good news is, the surgery went well.  No complications and I had a much easier time with the anesthesia than I did last time.  I am still in pain when sitting or standing due to the gas still in my abdomen, but aside from that I am feeling pretty good.  The bad news/good news (depending on how you look at it) is that the doctor didn’t find anything at all.  There was not a speck of endo to be found.  He did profuse my tubes and they are clear as day…wait…that comparison doesn’t actually work in this case.  Well, they were clear anyway.   So I guess it really was all good news. 

So I will continue with Clomid again starting next month.  But I must say that even though the surgery wasn’t all that productive, I seem to have gained a real peace about things now.  I feel like now I have done everything I can do and there is really no medical reason why I’m not getting pregnant.  So at this point I really just have to give it to God and let Him work His plan for my life…whatever that may be.  I know this is easier said then done (as are all things regarding infertility) but I really do feel ok with things.  Despite my one little minor setback last weekend (with my supposed ally, which I think in the grand scheme of things I handled rather well), I really have been doing better.  I hope it continues, especially with my reading of Unsung Lullabies. 

Speaking of Unsung Lullabies…now on to my thoughts on the Intro and Chapter 1.

Overall, I was pretty impressed with the intro and first chapter.  It really made me believe that the writers knew what they were talking about and they gave me glimpses of  what was to come in the book that made me excited to get those parts.

Overall, I agree with them, obviously, that infertility is a trauma in a person’s life.  I just never thought of it in those terms before.  They define a trauma as an event or series of events that pushes a person to their limits and is overwhelming, emotionally, physically or both.  I think that pretty well describes how I have felt much of the past 1 – 1/2 years. 

They talk about how when a person is finally faced with the fact that they are “infertile” or at least not as fertile as the rest of the world it causes a deep shift in their innermost person that really is again, traumatic.

I agree that my experiences with this disease have really changed how I view myself and the world…hence the title of my blog, “Becoming a different person.”  This need to reconcile who I thought I was and now who I really am, is no fun task. 

This has been especially hard for me because I hate failing.  Now I realize that no one loves failing, but for me I feel like it is especially difficult.  All my life I have been pretty good at most things I have done.  I got really good grades, I excelled in several sports, I had a lot of friends, I got a great job right out of college, I bought my own house, I married a wonderful man, my husband and I built our dream home together…it all worked, and selfishly, I guess, I was very proud of what I had accomplished thus far in life. 

Now, don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying that I never failed at anything.  In looking back on my life I realized that whenever I attempted something that I wasn’t good at…I didn’t like it, and therefore would not pursue it.  So I always avoided things that were a challenge for me.  If I didn’t think I could succeed, I would just not try in the first place. 

With infertility, I don’t have much of a choice now do I?  If I want a child of my own, which I desperately do, then I can’t just stop trying even though I keep failing, failing failing, cycle after cycle after cycle.

So dealing with this kind of failure has taken me completely out of my comfort zone.  I think that’s why I almost feel better about a failed cycle when I haven’t tried so hard.  The harder I try, the worse it hurts when I fail.  Just looking at it in this way makes me realize why I get so down on myself for my infertility and why it hurts as bad as it does.  And I know I’m not alone here.  I bet 99% of you guys out there feel the exact same way.  It’s just finally being able to look at myself for who I am and why I feel the way I do. 

In the book, the authors mention the importance of not keeping everything you feel about infertility locked inside and I think I am ready to tackle that.  I have shared my infertility with quite a few people but only a few of them have taken an interest and ask me about it from time to time.  The rest of them ignore the topic and to be honest, that hurts even more.  I realize that they think they are being sensitive, by not bringing it up.  But it makes it seem like they don’t care.  So I guess I need to start being more open about how I feel and offering up information instead of waiting for people to ask.  So, I am looking forward to getting to the parts in the book that dig deeper into this idea of being more open with your feelings.  They mention they will give tips and steps as to how to do this most effectively. 

That is all I’m going to write for now since this was primarily just the introduction to what I am sure is going to be a great help to me.  I think I will have more to say as I dig more into the meat of this book!  Thanks for listening.

Feel free to click around our blog ring on this book!

Next Blog:  http://giantspeedbump.wordpress.com/2008/01/20/painful-reading/ 

My Ally…I thought

So I was all excited about reading through this new book, Unsung Lullabies.  I feel like maybe I am coming up to a breakthrough of sorts.   Yay me!  Maybe I can finally start feeling a little peace in my life.  It figures that my first day of this new “outlook” has to be tainted.  I was faced with my first challenge last night.  (Geez, how about a little time for it to sink it before the blows start coming!!)

So we visited our friends.  They just had a baby two months ago.  Every other couple (except 1) that was coming has all had at least 1 or 2 children so far and these are all friends who at one time we all had no kids.  We used to talk about who would have kids first.  I remember thinking way back when that I would for sure be one of the first.  They all seemed a bit more focused on their careers.  No such luck.  They have all passed me except for one couple who I’m not exactly close with myself, but they are friends of our friends and they are always invited to my friend’s get togethers. 

I was somewhat relieved to hear they would be there because my friend had told me they were also having fertility problems.  It was comforting to know I would have at least one person/couple there that could totally relate to what we were going through.  (not that I’m happy they’re struggling but when surrounded by couples with kids, it’s nice to have an ally…ya know!)

So we show up and we meet my friend’s new baby (now 2 months old) and she is truly precious.  I got to hold her and rock her to sleep.  Everyone was commenting how I must have the “touch”…uh yeah right…I think they were just trying to be nice.  Anyway, the first blow comes when my friend tells me…”have you heard that “so and so” is pregnant again?”  Apparently, this girl got pregnant again about 4 months after having her first baby.  Whoops, it was a complete surprise.    She was so devastated/shocked when she realized it.  Can you imagine?  (…said with the most sarcasm I can muster).  Sorry, but she’ll be getting no sympathy from me (as blow number two prepares to strike).

So the next thing I know, my friend is asking her “infertile” friend if she’s getting a belly yet.  It dawns on me that this previously infertile girl is now pregnant!

I can’t tell you the range of emotions I felt.  I admit fully, it hurt.  It was a blow…  Ok, so now I am now the only one of this group who cannot have a baby of my own.  I was so ill at ease thinking, should I be encouraged by this?  Like I am when I hear of another IF blogger finally getting their BFP?  Because hey, if they can get pregnant…why couldn’t we?  Or do I feel like the ultimate failure, yet again.  Yup. that is definitely my default mode. 

But isn’t that the same fricking exact question we all ask all the time…”why not us?”  There’s just no way to get around it.   It just hurts…bad…plain and simple.

Anyway, I guess I still have a long way to go to heal.  I mean, I knew it wouldn’t happen overnight but I just need a break from the pregnancy announcements.  I wish I could just send out a front page ad in every major newspaper in the US.  “Could you all please refrain from announcing a pregnancy for like 6 months!”    That’s it!  That’s all I want.  Is that too much to ask?  Geez-o-fricking-petes!

So tonight at mass I just prayed and prayed and prayed…God let Your Will be done, no matter what it is, I will deal.  I am just so tired of fighting His plan.  I just asked Him for His peace and comfort in the meantime.  I hope it arrives soon.   

Unsung Lullabies #1- Self Assessment

Well, I’ve decided to join a few other bloggers in reading the book Unsung Lullabies.  The lovely dayzofrain over at Living a New Life with Infertility has taken it upon herself to set up a blog ring of people who are going to read and post about their experiences with this book.  I’m obviously new to this but I think I get it!  I’m just ready to start moving forward with healing (hopefully) instead of becoming overwhelmed with the devastation of infertility. 

So to begin, she decided that we should write a post about where we are currently and where we hope to be eventually!  I think that’s a good place to start!

Let’s see, I think I am in sort of a weird place right now.  If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have been in a bad place. I was emotionally dead and could not imagine suffering any more disappointments.  I had only just recently begun to really believe that I may never have a biological child.  Up until that point I just kept thinking my BFP would come eventually…just maybe not as soon as I expected it. 

After finding out the news about my sister, I was completely thrown for a loop.  How the heck do you reconcile the grief of losing a big sister and the grief of infertility?  Is it fair to feel worse about one than another?  I just would never have thought my heart could handle so much all at one time.  Obviously for that week, the pain of infertility didn’t cross my mind much.  The pain of my sister’s death was just too big.  There wasn’t any room for infertility.  But now that some time has passed, it has crept back in.  Sadly, it didn’t leave, it just took a backseat for awhile. 

The amazing thing though, is now I see the grief a little differently, I am ready to deal with it and be done with it (as much as you can be anyway).  I realized that my sister did not plan on these being her last days and I honestly don’t know when my last days are either!  So how sad would it be if I just wallowed the next few years of my life away and let myself be consumed by the sadness of infertility and then found out that those were the last years of my life.  I truly want to be happy again.  I truly want to find a way to deal with my loss.  I truly want to begin to get back to the person I used to be.  I know I will never be completely the same but it would be nice if someday people looked at me and said…”wow, look what she has done despite everything she has gone through.”

The day before my sister died I wrote one of my really good friends a long e-mail about how hard a time I was having with infertility.  She is not married yet (she recently got engaged though) and is in a completely different place in her life.  She is completely not ready to even think about kids.  I rarely opened up to her in previous years about my infertility because I felt like she couldn’t relate.  But because it had become such a weight on me I just had to tell her I couldn’t pretend anymore.  She wrote me such a beautiful e-mail back. I just had to share a portion of it here because it really hit home for me.

As for the other issues you find getting you down, please don’t hestitate to share your feelings when you need to.  I in turn will do my best to help you find the silver lining or just listen, as friends should.  I won’t pretend there’s much upside to a riddle like infertility, or aging (yikes), or work (boo), but despite these obstacles you really do have a great life (an envious one actually) and those things that aren’t quite right, you go out and do something about and that’s admirable. Adoption will be another beautiful example.  

The fact that she looked at my life and thought it was envious really surprised me.  It made me realize that all these years I have been happily married, it’s been something she has wanted too and had to wait for.  She CAN relate.  It’s just a different thing she wanted and had to wait for.   She also pointed out how often I go out and right the things that are wrong in my life.  If I can make things right in other areas of my life, why not this?  I realize I can’t fix my own infertility, but I can do other things to fix me emotionally.  Reading this book is a first step and maybe someday there will be a step that entails adoption.   I just don’t know yet and that’s ok.  

So I realized that I cannot live my life feeling sorry for myself all the time.  But in the same breath, I also cannot (and will not) hide what I am going through.  I will talk about it when I need to talk about it.  I will not ignore the bad days but I will also not let a few bad days define me either.  If I have good days, I’m going to try and enjoy every second of it.  When we go to our friends homes to meet their new babies, I am going to hold that baby as long as I want and just take it all in.  Yet I will still be open if I need to about the tiny bit of hurt that may cause me too!

I know I am not there yet and that’s why I want to take a step forward and read this book.  I’ve spent so much time basking in a pit of my own hurt and self pity and now I am ready to get out.  I know it will not be a perfect journey and I very well could take many a trip back into that pit but the fact that I’m trying, I hope, will make all the difference. 

Feel free to click around our blog ring.  We’re all going to be posting on the same general topics each week on Saturday and will each have a link at the bottom to the next post in the ring.  I hope what we find out helps more than just us.  But also any of you who are in a similar place. 

link to next person in the blog ring:  Giant Speed Bump

Back to the Same but Different

So I’m back.  I actually got back from California on Monday night but I only just now feel like I’m back.  It’s been hard getting back into the swing of things. 

For some reason I thought once we went through all the formalities that I would be able to just jump right back into life, obviously with a little more sorrow but I’m a strong person so I thought I would be fine.  The day after we got back, I did my usual routine.  I went to work, worked out after work and then went to my volunteer job at the pregnancy center.  By the time I got home, I was wiped out.  I woke up Wednesday morning and could not get out of bed.  I called in to take a vacation day.   I needed a day to do nothing.  A day where I was not responsible to anyone or anything.  A day to veg on the couch and not think about anything.  It was exactly what I needed. 

I feel more like myself today although it was still hard getting out of bed.  Maybe it’s because when I’m sleeping, I’m not thinking.  That’s been the hardest part of all of this.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  It’s just like it was with my fertility problems but now all I think about is my sister and what it means now that she’s gone.

Thank you all so much for your sweet comments.  I know a lot of people in my life, including you guys, have been praying for me and it has helped me so much.  I don’t know how people get through something like this without a strong faith in God. 

So, after all that, I did decide to keep my OB/GYN appointment that I had rescheduled for this past Wednesday.  I know it must seem odd that I still have room in my brain to think about infertility with all that has been going on but unfortunately, my sister leaving us did not take away my desire to have children and my desire to figure out what the heck is wrong with my body.  So I went.

My doctor told me that he didn’t want to add to my disappointment but that he honestly thought for sure that I would be pregnant by now.   So…he really wants to do a laparoscopy to check and see if any endo has grown back.  Last year, I had a lap/hyst to remove a uterine septum.  While they were in there, they found a tiny bit of endo so they removed it.  My new doctor is afraid maybe it has grown back.  Considering I saw the picture from the first surgery of how much endo there was in the first place, I am extremely doubtful that he is going to find anything.  But he wants to do it and I trust him so I’m going to go forward with his plan.  Best case scenario (or worst case) is that he finds nothing but he is going to profuse my tubes to double check that they are clear and he said that usually improves your chances in the cycles following.  So I figure even if he finds nothing, at least I will know that I’ve done everything I can to make sure there’s nothing medically wrong with me (that’s measurable anyway)  and that from this point on, it’s in God’s hands.

M and I had talked about meeting with our priest about the IUI, but I honestly don’t know if I even want to go there right now.  I don’t know if I have the energy to go through that.  I am about to my limit in terms of disappointments.  Maybe that will change in a few months but for now, I need a break. 

So, I’m going to have the lap done, maybe even as early as next week.  This is amazing to me since my old RE made me wait for everything!  My new OB/GYN is so nice and so willing to do whatever it takes to help me.  He understands that once you decide to do something, the more anxious you are to just get it done.

One last thing I wanted to share was about an experience I had this weekend while in California.  The highlight of the trip I would say (if there can be a highlight for that kind of trip).  My sister Kerri had been volunteering at an orphanage in Mexico for the past two years.  She would live there during the week and would drive back to San Diego for the weekend.  When we met the couple who runs the orphanage at the memorial service, we asked them if it would be possible for us to go down there and visit.  They said they would absolutely love it if we came.  So Saturday morning, we drove down to Mexico through Tijuana.   There are 18 girls living at the orphanage that ranged in age from 3 to 15.  They were such sweet and beautiful girls.  I can see why my sister loved being there.  We showed them all the childhood pictures we had brought of Kerri.  They loved them and couldn’t stop looking at them for a long time.  A few of the girls warmed up to us so quickly.  One of the littlest girls had a handicap and could not straighten one of her legs.  She kept getting left behind so I ended up carrying her around from place to place.  She was soooo cute.  She spoke only Spanish and would talk so fast I really had a hard time understanding her.  But as we went to leave I couldn’t help but cry.  We knew we wouldn’t be back for a long time and we had fallen in love with the girls instantly.  We were sad too for the girls themselves because we knew that they wouldn’t have Kerri anymore either.

I seriously wanted to take some of those girls home with me.  I got to see how easy it is to love a child, even when they are not biologically yours.    It just made me feel better about the possibility of adopting and reminded me that children who are given love, give it back 10 fold and it isn’t only based on genetics.   I don’t know what the future holds for us but I feel like God gave me a little glimpse of how good it could be to adopt a child who has no family of their own.  I don’t know if adoption is in God’s plan for us yet but at least I feel more of a peace in my heart about it if that is where He ultimately leads us. 

Dealing with the finality of it all…

I just want to thank everyone for your tremendous support.  It is so touching that so many of you commented.  It is just amazing to me considering many of you don’t even know me and yet somehow we can all relate to that kind of loss.    Your words and prayers have really meant a lot.

We are doing ok.  My parents flew out to California today to begin making arrangements.  My other sister and I are flying out tomorrow to help them.  It is going to be a sad and difficult weekend but at the same time I know my family needs that time to get some closure.  It will be made more bearable since we will all be together to help each other through.  And I hope we learn even more about her as we pack up her things.

It’s just strange, in a sad way, because for so many years, my oldest sister Kerri, was not an active part of our family.  She left home on bad terms at 18 and did not reconnect with us until she was in her later 20’s.  So for a long time, she wasn’t in contact with us at all.  Thankfully she had gotten close with us again and we enjoyed many years of a good relationship before this happened.  It is strange because now we are back to the family of 4 again but this time there is no hope that it will ever change.  There’s no hope of rekindling anything.  She is just gone now and nothing can make it the way it was, the way it was meant to be.  That’s what hurts the most.

I will be gone until next week but I just wanted to make sure I thanked everyone for their kind words before I left.

Take care…

A Great Loss

At 6am this morning as I was about to head out the door to work I saw that my parents had called early this morning at 2 am.  Obviously realizing that was not a good thing, I called them right away.  My mom told me that my oldest sister died yesterday.   I am in shock and utter disbelief.  My sister and I were very close when I was young but had grown apart over the years since she lived in California.  Unfortunately that doesn’t make the pain any less.  She didn’t have a very happy life, she was going through a divorce and had many many health issues.  I guess I am happy that she is no longer lonely or suffering in any way but I am extremely sad that she never got to experience some of the things that bring so much joy and contentment here on earth.

She had a strong faith in God so I know she is with Him now but it’s going to be extremely difficult for us left behind to grasp that she is gone.

If you can, please pray for my family, especially my parents because I know their pain is the deepest.  You’re not supposed to bury your children.  My dad just called me and was extremely broken up.  I’ve never heard or seen my dad cry before and it just killed me to hear his sorrow.

Thanks so much for all your comments yesterday.  They were much appreciated!  Obviously these events have put things in perspective for me today.

Empty

So I tested yesterday, it was a BFN.  No surprise there.  My temperature was also down slightly so I figured that’s what the test would say.  Then of course, just to be cruel, my temperature was up again today.  So I tested again this morning.  Still BFN.  I am so dead inside. 

The sad thing is that when I first got the BFN yesterday, I was doing ok.  I wasn’t nearly as upset as last month, probably because I expected a negative all along.   I didn’t know what was coming later that day.

So I had been thinking about what we would do next if it was negative and I had kinda decided that since everything appears to be working with both of us then somehow M’s swimmers are just not making it to my egg, for whatever reason. So logically, my thoughts turned to doing an IUI.  It seems like a logical choice.  Give the swimmers a little help in getting there.  Right? 

So I talked to M about it and he said, “what does the church think about it?”  I told him that as far as I knew, it was sketchy.  Some interpret it as completely wrong, whereas others interpret it as possibly acceptable if we collect his swimmers during intercourse with a special condem that catches them.

 I don’t really see the big problem with an IUI.  I completely understand the church’s views on IVF and how the issue of handling embryos makes it a tough ethical situation.  But with IUI’s some say it is not ok because it separates the act of intercourse from the act of procreation.  What the heck!  I do not get this reasoning.  It’s not like we don’t “do it” at all?  There’s obviously something physically wrong with me that is keeping the sperm from getting there.  So I don’t see why there is a problem with helping them out.  

We are a married couple that loves each other.  We want children and have a physical problem.  Apparently it is ok to cure cancer and other physical impairments, but it is not ok to provide a little help when it comes to creating a child.   

So after M leaves for a little while to run some errands, he comes back and tells me he wants to talk to a priest about it first and that he doesn’t want to go against the church’s teaching.  I tell him that I already know what the priest is going to say…“No.”  And to be honest, I highly doubt that our priest (as much as I love him) has done any research on fertility.  Therefore his response will probably be (I can hear it now), “just relax, stop trying so hard, God has a plan, He will give you a child if that’s what He desires for you, It will probably happen when you least expect it.”  Grrr, I swear I will be wanting to choke him at that point.   

Give me a break, even women I talk to who haven’t been through infertility don’t have a clue what I’m going through.  What makes M think that a priest is going to be any different?   A priest is a man and there is no way in hell that he can know what this is like.   

So obviously this spurred a big fight between M and I.  Not really a fight per se, but I stopped talking to him.  But not before I told him he better NEVER look at porn again because he knows that is wrong and yet he still does it from time to time.   

This is the same guy who 4 years ago said there was NO WAY he would do NFP instead of using birth control.  He didn’t give a crap what the church said regarding that.  He did not want to have to abstain.  Now all of a sudden he wants to follow the church.  He didn’t even know what the church believed before I told him.   It is so important to him that he has never…EVER…looked up anything on the internet regarding infertility…EVER!  Nor has he ever looked up or inquired about the church’s stand on infertility treatments.  And now he wants to be a freaking saint.   

Again, I just felt dead inside.  So this is it.   I guess we’re done trying.  At least that’s what I am feeling.  We can go talk to a priest but I know what he’s going to say and to be honest, it’s just going to be another cruel and hurtful situation that I’m going to have to bear. 

We might as well just say screw it because M has vetoed every other alternative.  He’s not ready to adopt, he doesn’t want to try stronger fertility meds and he doesn’t want to do an IUI…Ok M, I guess that means we’re done.  ‘nough said.    I guess I will become a hollow shell then and you can enjoy the next 40 years with an empty wife.

He and I are not even in a ”fight” anymore.  He tried to be sweet and supportive later in the day.  But I just don’t have anything to give back.  I love him to death but I am just numb. 

Sick…and tired!

I swear…every year, without fail, I get a bad cold to start the New Year.  I think it must be because I stay up so late every New Year’s Eve.  I think it must lower my immune system and those damn germs just lay in wait for the perfect moment to attack.  (note to self…no New Year’s Eve party next year!) 

So everyone says “just rest, you’ll feel better.”  Well considering I can’t even breathe when I lay down and when I can breathe, it hurts, rest isn’t really happening lately.  I seriously haven’t slept good in about 3 days.  I’m talking maybe 3 hours per night.  Whenever I feel this bad I usually love sleeping because then I no longer feel the discomfort and pain of my cold.   But alas, sleep is not to be had for me this week.  So I get to sit and watch hours of TV, read book after book and do anything to take my mind off my misery.   

It doesn’t help that I’m worried about taking any medications to ease my suffering.  I did take stuff the first few days but then I started feeling guilty.  What if this is the one time I actually do get pregnant (very wishful thinking here)?  I figure I’m testing tomorrow anyway, so if I get a BFN, which I’m fully expecting, I’m saying screw it and taking any drug that will make me feel better!  I just hate not drinking, not taking meds, etc. when I’m in the TWW because I’ve done it so many times and then end up feeling like such an idiot when I get the BFN.   It’s like I’m kidding myself the whole time thinking I could actually be pregnant when deep down I know I’m not.  I feel like such a poser, I hate that feeling. 

Sorry I don’t have much interesting to say today.  I swear I think of so many things throughout the day that I could blog about, and then when I sit down to write, I completely blank!  Obviously I’m new to this blogging thing.

Ok, back to the couch for me!

Options?

Ok, I originally wrote this in word and then tried to paste it into a “new post” window but now the formatting is all screwed up…Sorry! 

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Yay!  I actually made it through the holidays in one piece.  It wasn’t the best holiday I’ve ever had, but it was definitely not the worst either.  There’s something to be said for that.  I have definitely been very emotional the past couple of days (hence my New Year’s Eve rant).  I am sure it is PMS.  I always get the worst PMS symptoms about a week before AF arrives and then it gets better.  I wonder if my PMS correlates to my peak progesterone levels?  Who knows?!?   

All I do know is that anything and everything has been hurting my feelings the past two to three days.  It does not help that I woke up New Year’s Day with a cold which has gotten progressively worse ever since…ugh!    It also does not help that I am back to work today…even more ugh!  Let’s just say I am counting the days until I can quit this job.  Maybe that’s what I should do…focus on the countdown to my new career instead of my failure to procreate!  Let’s see…if today is the 3rd, that means I have 363 days to go including today since today is only half over.  (not including vacation days or holidays because that would just get way too complicated) 

So I talked to M last night about our reproductive options.  I wanted to know what he thought of us moving on to injectible fertility meds.   He was not too keen on the idea.  He is deathly afraid of multiples.  He would be happy with only having 1 child…ever!  However, when we got married he agreed that we could have two since I wanted 2 or 3.  So I would be fine with twins but he is not so sure.  Especially because I am going to be going back to school full time in a year.  He does not think he can handle two babies at once. 

I see where he’s coming from but I am getting sooooo impatient.  And I figure if we can’t even get pregnant with 1 baby using Clomid…what are the chances of having twins or more with injectibles.  I read somewhere that of women who get pregnant using injectibles there is a 20% chance of having twins and a 10% chance of having triplets or higher.  I don’t think those odds are that bad…do you?  But then I just watched the Jon and Kate + 8 marathon over the weekend and realize that I do not want to be the freak case where I have 6 babies.  Heck, I don’t even want three!  So maybe we (I) shouldn’t keep pushing?    It’s just hard to wait, and I know you all understand that.  Our other option is just to keep trying with Clomid another 2 or 3 more months. 

So now I am at 9 DPO and feeling nothing at all.  I think I will wait to test until Sunday.  Then I will be 12 DPO.  I would wait longer but I just hate testing before I go into work.  I get so depressed when I see that BFN and work is the last place I want to be.  So I will opt for Sunday instead.  I have a follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN next Friday to talk about where we go from here.   

Last month I had a really vivid dream where I got a positive pregnancy test at my OB/GYN’s office.    (They told me before that they will always give me a test when I come in…just in case)   So in my dream, the nurse gave me a HPT and I took it and didn’t even bother looking at it because I knew it would be negative.  Well, I did finally look at it and it was positive and I started bawling I was sooooooo happy.  But I was also realistic in my dream (sad that I couldn’t just enjoy the moment) and knew that the BFP was only just the beginning and I was still a long way from actually having a baby of my own.  When the nurse walked in she saw me crying and she said “did you not want to be pregnant?”  And I assured her I did but told her that I had just never had a positive pregnancy test before…zilch, nada, nothing!  I woke up from that dream feeling great.  It was so nice to think just for a moment that I was pregnant.  Maybe my dream will come true next week even if I do get a BFN on Sunday.  But I know that would truly be a miracle!  I’m certainly not getting my hopes up.  I’ve been disappointed way too many times to let myself do that again. 

By the way it’s a little late but, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I wish you all many BFP’s, sticky beans, and perfect matches all throughout the coming year (and hopefully sooner rather than later)!

No New Year’s Moment…Yet…

Whoops, I wrote this yesterday (New Year’s Eve) but never hit the “Publish” button.  Oh well!

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So my Christmas moment has passed and I’m back in the dumps again.  It doesn’t help that my husband has been getting on my nerves in the worst way.  The latest annoyance…hounding me to go to the gym every other day the past two weeks.  I’ve gone every time he asked but it doesn’t mean I can’t be a bitch about it.  Today it especially got on my nerves because I have already gone 3 times since I got off work and he was ready to go again today…ugh…

He also told me that he wanted “us” to take all the Christmas decorations down today but what he really meant was that he wanted “me” to take down all the Christmas decorations.  Don’t you just hate that….every time my husband says stuff like…we really need to do “this” or we really need to do “that.”  What he really means is, you need to do “this” and you need to do “that.”  Or at least that’s what it feels like because he never just does it on his own. 

Yes, he did help the tiniest bit with taking down the decorations, but I did 90% of the work.  He sat down to eat before we were done so I just left it undone and went to the gym.  He could leave it as it was or finish it himself.  (by the way, he did…kinda)

I just don’t understand the big rush to take down the decorations.  It is always the most depressing time of the holidays for me and him rushing me into it is even more annoying.  It’s like he just can’t stand them being up 1 day longer because God forbid, I might leave them up until June!   Yeah, right.  It’s insulting.  

Ok, so obviously I’m in a bad mood.  I don’t know what it was that set me off…actually I have sort of an idea.  Yesterday, M was being quiet all day.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said nothing, that he just felt like being quiet.  So we ignored each other all night and watched TV in separate rooms.  I saw him go get a beer at one point and I thought, that sounds good.  So later on that night, I got up to get a beer and there were none left in the fridge.  This is the second time in only a couple days that he has taken the last beer and not put new ones in.  So I got pissed. 

Isn’t that the stupidest reason to get into a bad mood?  But that’s the sad truth. It was more because I felt like he has just been acting really selfish the past week or so.  And the fact that he didn’t refill the fridge (knowing that very thing pissed me off mildly two days ago) just made it seem like he wasn’t even thinking of me.  I have gone out of my way to do more around the house these past two weeks since I finally don’t have class and work to deal with and in turn, he has done jack squat and has barely even commented on all the work I have done.  What was the fricking point?  Why do I even bother?

Where is my Christmas moment when I need it…I guess that has obviously faded and now I need a New Year’s moment quick.  Especially since we are throwing our annual NYE party that we host with another couple tonight and I don’t even want to go.  Mostly because I am not in the worst mood and I’m afraid that attitude will lead to me drink one or five too many drinks.  Just kidding about the five part, but still, it’s not a good combination.

I know I’m being the hugest baby right now and I appreciate the listening ear.  Sometimes you just need to vent.  So after all that complaining, I do wish you all a very SAFE and Happy New Year!  Thanks for all the support so far!  It means so much!  I’ll be back in ‘08!