My First Post

Ok, so I have never done this before.  I’m a bit nervous!  Who the heck would want to read about me and my fertility struggles.  Oh yeah, no one!  Ha Ha!  No one will be reading this for quite some time since I am new and I know it takes awhile to get noticed. 

To be honest, I hope what I have to say is even worth noticing.  I don’t really care though, this blog is more for me now and I know a lot of other blogs I’ve read have started out the same way.  I don’t even know how often I’ll post.  I guess whenever I feel like I need to vent (which lately has been a lot).

I haven’t been in the best place lately.   I think it is because I have finally lost hope.  Ever since we started trying, I always had hope that someday it would happen.  I just had to try a little harder, get the right medical help and whamo, I’d be pregnant and would look back on all of this as a bad dream.  I kept thinking, “I’m not really infertile per se…it’s just taking us a bit longer than normal.”  So when my OB/GYN suggested Clomid a few months ago, we were ready to try it.  (Before that we were nervous about multiples…ha!)  So my doctor tells me that 75% of women get pregnant within the first 3 months of Clomid, especially considering we have no other issues.  I already ovulate like clockwork (although who knows what condition my eggs are in), and my husband has super sperm.  What the HELL is the problem!   So I’m thinking that a 75% chance is really good and I just know it’s going to work.  My doctor adds to this hope because he is just sure we will get pregnant any second now.

So I figure, Clomid has got to be our answer.  Maybe my eggs need a bit of a boost before ovulation.  So this last month (our second trying Clomid), I did everything right.  I stopped drinking soda and only drank water.  I stopped drinking alchohol.  I took my Clomid, I took my estrogen, I took my mucinex, I took my progesterone, I ate pineapple every stinking day for my TWW, we BD-ed with perfect timing, my husband and I prayed a Novena, in fact, I think I must have prayed at least once an hour the entire month…and all I got to show for it was a BFN!

I know you all (oh yeah, there’s no one, I keep forgetting)…I mean, I know that there are plenty of people that can relate to that frustration and devastation.  When I saw that empty space where a second line should have been, I just felt dead inside.  And for the first time, I really truly started to believe that I will never be able to get pregnant. 

To top it off, the day I tested was a Holy Day at Church and we had planned on going, it was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception…talk about salt in the wound.   I just felt bitterness welling up inside me.  I didn’t feel like praying as we sat down…all I could muster was “Lord, please help me not be bitter.”  I teared up about 20 times during the service.  I had to focus on the shoe scuff marks on the floor in front of me to take my mind somewhere that had no feeling.

I think I’ve prayed maybe 3-4 times total since that BFN.  I don’t even feel like going to church.  I know I can’t be mad at God, because I have been trusting him 100% this whole time.  I have made it as long as I have because of Him, or maybe it was because of my belief that we would eventually get pregnant.  Maybe it wasn’t faith in God at all.  Maybe I was putting more trust in modern medicine than I was in God.  Because now that I have lost that hope, I feel like my faith is gone now too. 

I was talking to my husband, M, a few nights ago as we were trying to fall asleep.  I had been thinking about myself, my personality and how I’ve changed these past two years.  I think back to when I used to be so excited to hear about someone getting pregnant.  I didn’t mind going to baby showers.   Overall, I was just hopeful about life and happier.  Now, I just feel different.  It’s weird to think that my personality is likely forever altered by this situation.  Even if I do manage to get pregnant someday, I will be excited but I will also be paralyzed with fear because I will be afraid of getting my hopes up only to have that hope obliterated by a miscarriage.  Something I have witnessed far too many wonderful women have to suffer through. 

So is this situation making me a better person, a stronger person, a more complete person?  Or is making me worse, weaker, or more filled with bitterness?  I can’t tell yet.  I have glimpses of both from time to time.  I just wonder if I will revert to my former ways once I do finally have a child (whether through natural means or adoption) or will these changes linger…

One more thing to look forward to this weekend…we are going to visit our friends who just had a baby last Friday.  I am nervous.   The last time I visited a friend with a new baby, I had to struggle to hold back the tears as I held that beautiful little girl.  I hate thinking that I somehow take away joy from someone else because they know that I am hurting during their happiest moment!  I just hope I can hold it all together.  Hopefully there will be some good scuff marks to keep my brain in it’s numbified state.

Anyway, that’s about it for now I guess.  I have a while to fill in the blanks here and there.