A Christmas Moment

So there I was sitting, waiting for the midnight mass at church on Christmas Eve to begin.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself (although not as low as I have been in weeks past thankfully) but I was determined to actually enjoy the service.

 The choir was singing as people filled in and squished into the pews.  My husband was sitting on one side and my mother-in-law (who I love dearly) was on the other side.  She was reading out of a Christmas devotional and handed it to me and pointed to a few paragraphs she wanted me to read.

I certainly don’t remember it word for word but the gist of the paragraphs stuck with me and became my Christmas moment this year.  It basically talked about how even though Christmas can be an especially difficult time of the year for people dealing with hardships…it is exactly those people who can get the most out of the meaning and celebration of Christmas.  Like, the more you are hurting, the more Christmas was meant for you to find peace. 

I know that’s not the black and white the meaning of Christmas but it was just so comforting to know that even though my heart was a little sad, that I could just let the spirit of Christmas and God’s love for me just wrap me up and soothe the hurt.   I know God meant for M’s mom to give me that to read just before the service began. 

So it just seems to me that despite my frustration and anger with God’s supposed “plan” for my life, He has still been there for me when I need Him the most.  At certain times there have been random things that have happened and things that have been said that have seemed to be directed just for me.   As much as I hate the situation that I’m in right now, I still love God and know that I am really just lucky to have Him in my life. 

That little moment even helped me get through my “day after Christmas” ultrasound to do a follicle scan.  The day started out disappointing when I realized my temperature had gone up significantly.  I must have ovulated on Christmas day.  But I decided to get the scan anyway, just in case it was a fluk-ey temperature.  The ultrasound wasn’t too bad except for the ultrasound tech who after I told her that we had been trying for almost 2 years told me to “just relax,” that it will happen when we stop trying and then proceeded to tell me that she didn’t try for any of their three kids.  They were all “surprises.”   Aww, how wonderful for her.  (sarcasm here!) That would normally be my reaction…but amazingly, as I was laying there listening to her say all those things.  I didn’t get angry or pissed off, I just remembered that she had no idea what it was like in my shoes and that I shouldn’t fault her for it.  In fact, I was happy she didn’t have to go through what I, and many others, have gone through.  

Anyway, I think it was still my Christmas moment helping me feel peace this season.  Thanks again God!  I hope you all had a taste of that as well this Christmas!  Merry Belated Christmas!

7 Random Things about Me!

OK, apparently I’ve been tagged by the lovely Ally over at Life in the Cat Pad. 

I guess this means I post 7 random things about me.  OK here goes.  These are by no means in order of importance since I am writing whatever random thing pops into my mind.

1.  I played basketball from the time I was in 5th grade until high school.  My team won the State Championship my sophomore year and it was a really amazing experience.  And even though I wasn’t a starter on the team and certainly not one of the best players, it was still quite an accomplishment and I’m so glad I was able to be a part of it. 

2.  I am a total “hands on” girl.  I am not intimidated by tasks that guys typically perform or things that I don’t know how to do beforehand.  Therefore I have changed my own oil, changed my own brakes, done my own basic plumbing, put in a tile back-splash in my kitchen, worked with my husband to do all the electrical work from scratch in our complete home remodel and am pretty much willing to try anything.   Nothing scares me except maybe a project that could put me out a lot of money if I happen to do it poorly or just plain wrong!

3.  I am a total slob when it comes to my closet.  For some reason I cannot keep it clean.  It seriously looks like a tornado went through there all the time.  I cannot figure out why it is so torturous for me to hang up my clothes when I take them off.  This is especially tough when trying to find something to wear in the morning and usually involves digging through piles to find my belt, sock, that shirt I need, etc.

4.  I am a huge book worm.  I love to read and luckily I am a fast reader.  My most recent read that I just finished yesterday is called “Left to Tell” and is the true story of a girl who survived the Rwandan Holocaust.  It was soooooo good.  I highly recommend it.  I couldn’t put it down!

5.  I actually owned my own home for about 3 years before I got married.  After I graduated from college I got a job and lived with my parents for 8 months and saved up.  I then bought a tiny little house in Royal Oak, Michigan and I loved it!  I still miss it a little sometimes.  It was a big accomplishment for me and I loved the feeling of being a self sufficient single woman!  I sold it when I got married and moved in with my husband.  That also turned out to be a great way to save up for a wedding!  Appreciation is awesome!

6.  I was the “other woman” once (not with a married guy though).  I admit it, but it’s not something I’m proud of, obviously.  When I was in college, I had a really cute TA for one of my classes.  I had the biggest crush on him but he had a girlfriend.  My crush was really just all in fun but the guy started paying more attention to me which was extremely flattering and exciting.  Well, his girlfriend went away on a trip (she had just graduated) and he called me to meet up.  I figured his asking me out was his way of telling me things were over with his girlfriend so I agreed.  He admitted that night that they were not broken up, so I fully knew at that point what I was getting into.  But by then, I was hooked and thought I could convince him that I was the right girl for him (being that he always complained about his girlfriend).  the “relationship” was short lived, thankfully.   I couldn’t live with myself being with him knowing he was still with her.  We stopped seeing each other because he wouldn’t break it off.  Eventually he did come back to me about 4 months later after he finally broke up with his girlfriend.  Luckily for me I had just started dating M at that time and I knew that M was more the right guy for me so I told the other guy he was too late.  Anyway, the whole situation was a lot of heartache for nothing and I don’t recommend it.  But after going through it I can see why people get sucked into stuff like that.   (ok, that one was way longer than I intended)

7.  This one’s kinda funny and kinda weird.  For some reason when I sleep sometimes I rock myself.  I don’t know how to describe what I do but I do.  Anyways…when I was first married to Mike he must’ve woke up and found me doing that, so he asked me what I was doing.  I was barely coherent and said I don’t know.  He then proceeded to ask me if I was “having fun by myself” and I mumbled yes because I really wasn’t even fully awake.  The next morning he said “geez, I had no idea.”  I said …”what are you talking about?”  He explained what happened and I laughed, I couldn’t believe he thought I was doing ”that!”  Anyway…that’s probably about as random as they come!

I guess I will officially tag Emily, Learning Again, Courtney, Cindy, Jen, Rebecca, and Want to be a mom.  I hope you girls don’t mind!

The Other Two Week Wait

Everyone in the infertile world knows what the two week wait is.  But no one ever talks about the other two week (or more) wait.  Basically I mean the two weeks (approx.) between AF’s arrival (or a negative HPT whichever comes first) and your ovulation day.

For me, this wait is almost just as bad…if not slightly worse.  Why?  Because at least during the regular two week wait there is always the chance that I am pregnant.  For some reason, during the Pre-Ovulation two week wait (from now on referred to as the POTWW), I am more unhappy, sad, frustrated with the fertile world and just bleak in general.

Does anyone else feel like that?  Because right now I am in the POTWW and it sucks.  It sucks because I want to ovulate and I don’t know when my body will decide to do it. 

At least in the regular TWW you really only have to wait about 11 or 12 days because HPT’s are pretty reliable around then.  But as soon as you get that negative (BFN) and you shift to the POTWW, it is almost sheer torture…first waiting for AF to arrive, then waiting to O.  And if you O late, the POTWW can become the Pre-Ovulation Three Week Wait.  Lord have mercy!

The good news for me today is that the estrogen my doctor has given seems to be working so M and I will be doing our best this week and next to catch the egg this month.

By the way, this month I begged my OB/GYN to let me have an ultrasound to see if I even have follicles that are maturing properly.  He agreed, reluctantly, but the timing of my cycle places the projected ideal date for the ultrasound on or just before Christmas Day.  So unfortunately I have to wait until the day after Christmas so there’s a good chance I will have O-ed by then.  Oh well, I guess we can try again next month.  Oh wait, I should be thinking positive and that there wont be a need for next month…Nah, been there done that. 

  

Crisis Pregnancy / No Pregnancy

Well, I don’t have much time to post today.  It has been a busy busy day. 

I’m tempted to delve into the religion issue as a few have asked about…but I’m not sure I’m ready to get into a major discussion on it in my blog…yet!  I’m far from a religious scholar and I get nervous about getting into debates.  I’m just not always sure what good it does although it is always important to hear the various sides of the story.  Let’s just leave it at that for now and maybe sometime I will be in the mood to further explain my conversion and accept comments in response from some of you.   Although people are always free to comment whatever/whenever they’d like.

As for now, I thought I would share a few insights about my volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center.  One of you asked about it and considering I worked there tonight, it’s as good a time as any.  

I actually decided to volunteer at the local pregnancy center about 4 months before we even started trying.  I was really bored with my life.  I went to work, came home and watched TV all night, went to work, came home, and watched TV all night…rinse and repeat, etc.  It didn’t help that I hated my job and that I was really ready to start trying for a baby and yet M wanted to wait a few more months.   So I decided I wanted to find a way to help out others instead of sitting on my duff every night watching mind numbing TV.

 I had heard about our local crisis pregnancy center through our church bulletin.   They had an announcement that they were always looking for volunteers so I attended the information session and signed up.  At first, I just helped out with fund-raising events.  The only way they are funded is through donations.   But the more I spent time with some of the people who worked there, the more I thought about starting the training to become a peer counselor.  

At that point, M and I had been trying about 6 months, and I was hoping it would happen soon.  I even wondered how the center would feel if I did become pregnant.  Would they still want me to be a counselor considering I would be on the happy side of pregnant? (as opposed to the crisis side) And maybe the girls couldn’t relate to me.  Uh, yeah…so that never happened obviously.   (Remember back when you planned your life based on the knowledge that you would be pregnant any day now)

 Well, once I started my counselor training, I would sit it on counseling appointments and meet girls who thought they were pregnant.  We would first talk to them and see what their situation was. 

 Just to give you a brief description of what the center offers:  At our counseling appointments we give the client a free pregnancy test which they take.  If it comes back positive we talk about what they’re thinking.  We go through a brief fetal development presentation and then, if they are considering abortion, we give a brief  presentation on the most common 1st trimester abortion procedure including the risks.  If the test comes back negative we talk about sexual integrity and how to avoid another pregnancy scare (abstinence).  The center also offers material assistance to moms who are pregnant and keeping their baby or who have already had their baby and are still under 1 year old.  We provide them with baby food, clothes, car seats, all of which is donated to the center and referrals to places who can help them with some of their needs.  That is pretty much it in a nutshell!

Well, when I first met a few of the girls/clients, I was just in awe of the pressure they were facing.  As much as I want to be pregnant now, I would never have wanted to have been pregnant at 16 years old either.   And to be honest, I really never felt the burning jealousy of  their pregnancies that I feel when I hear of a new couple that’s pregnant. 

I think what it comes down to is this…I figure that the girl and I are in the same boat.  We are both in a place where we don’t want to be.  She’s pregnant, doesn’t want to be pregnant, and would probably give anything to not be pregnant.   I on the other hand, am not pregnant, I’m dying to be pregnant, and would probably give anything to be pregnant. 

Granted, I understand that her pregnancy is through her own fault (usually) whereas my situation is not.  I have no control over my fertility.  But somehow that thought makes me able to really care about these girls that come in.  It also helps that I really do not want these girls to choose to have an abortion.  Not just because I’m pro-life and not because I am now facing the prospect of adoption and know others who are pursuing it as well, I don’t want her to have to suffer the potential emotional, physical and spiritual consequences that having an abortion often brings.

So for whatever reason, I LOVE going to the pregnancy center and wish I could go more often.  Isn’t that weird?  I know…it’s weird to me too.  But I haven’t even shared the best part yet…

The best part is that volunteering at the pregnancy center changed my life in another way too.  It made me realize that I am in the wrong career.  I am a mechanical engineer and I have hated it since the day I started in college.  (don’t ask me why I didn’t quit way back when!)  I have been working for an automotive company for 9 years and had been wanting to get out of the industry for several years.  I just didn’t know what else I would do.  Well, my volunteering showed me how much I enjoy interacting with people and helping those in need, so last year I went back to school and am now pursuing my nursing degree. 

I really do feel like God has had his hand in this area of my life in a special way.  I feel like all the events leading up to me deciding to switch careers to nursing was directed by Him.  I sometimes wonder if this “calling” to nursing is partly why God doesn’t think it’s the right time for me to get pregnant.  (even though I will still get my nursing degree if I do become pregnant, it might just take me an extra year or so)

So my career change is really something that has kept me going this past year.  The excitement of it and realizing that I love my classes.  They are hard work but I find the subjects fascinating.  I still have a long way to go considering I am still working full time but it’s nice to have something to work towards while we are in limbo with our TTC efforts. 

OK, seriously, this was WAY longer than I intended.  But I get so excited about this part of my life that I just had to share.  (especially considering it’s one of the only things exciting about my life…at least to me anyway.) 

Feeling Better

Wow, I’m feeling a lot better today.  Maybe blogging really is cathartic?  Or maybe it’s just because I took my last clomid a few days ago and am now pumping my body with estrogen.  Who knows….! 

I want to thank everyone who posted comments on my blog already.  It’s amazing (and yet a little sad too) how many women are struggling with the same things.  But at the same time, it’s so nice that you have all become such a supportive community.  I thank you for allowing me to join and as a newbie, I will try hard to stick around and be supportive of others as well.  Knowing you all are out there makes me feel so much less alone although obviously I wish no one had to deal with this struggle. 

So I noticed a few other bloggers had posted pictures of their christmas decorations so I thought I’d post one of my tree.  I’m actually quite proud of it and love how it turned out this year!   I also thought this would be a nice change of pace from my previous posts.  It just reflects the change in my mood. 

  

I also thought that now would be a good time explain a little bit more about myself so people could understand where I’m coming from.  I was actually raised in the church…the protestant church.  I grew up going to a non-denominational church which was probably closest to baptist.  I have always believed in God and have always done my best to follow Him and His plan for my life.  I also always firmly believed that I needed to marry someone who shared my same faith. 

I met my husband, M, at my job right out of college.  He was such a nice guy I was immediately drawn to him.  I guess he felt the same because he asked me out soon after we met.  On our first date we had a great time talking.  We even felt comfortable enough to talk about our beliefs.  I found out he was Catholic and was a little wary, due to my strict protestant upbringing.  But the more we talked, the more I realized that fundamentally, we believed the exact same thing. 

To make a long story short, after attending church with M for several years, and shortly after we were married, I decided I wanted to convert to Catholicism.  I didn’t just do it to make M happy though because he never ever asked me to convert.  I really did it because I realized something very important.  The more I learned about the Catholic church, the more I realized that the Catholic church was the original church (from apostolic times).  And although there have been some ugly times in the church’s history, amazingly it has held strong and still is based on its roots.  It just brings me great comfort to know that a lot of things the church believes, are the same as they were way way way back then.   

Anyway, I only mention this brief religious background because I am still a bit up in the air about my feelings about strictly following the Catholic Church’s guidelines for infertility treatments.  We currently go to a NFP (natural family planning) only OB/GYN.  Meaning, he follows all Catholic guidelines and does not prescribe birth control (not that we will ever need it…ha ha).  In general, NFP doctors have a much more naturalistic approach to infertility which I really like.  They focus on fixing the root of the problem through charting and blood tests, not just by bypassing the problem as some other ART’s do. 

I am still on the fence though.  I guess it’s because I haven’t been pushed to the limit yet.  I still have a few (although not many) things to try if I decide to continue our TTC journey.  But I reserve the right to change my mind later if we do ultimately realize that IVF or the like is our only option.  Is that bad?  Or hypocritical?  Or maybe just relativistic religion.  I only accept what I like and ignore what I don’t….grrrr!  I wish this were easier.

By the way, I’m sure you’ve all heard the news about Jamie-Lynn Spears.  Pregnant at 16!!!  Doesn’t it just make you cringe!  I figured that news would send shock waves throughout the IF community.  At least she is keeping the baby though.  I give her credit for that.  That’s not an easy decision in today’s society. 

By the way, did I ever mention that I volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center?  I know it must seem idiotic for me to subject myself to unexpected/unwanted pregnancies on a regular basis.  But amazingly I find it to be very therapeutic…so far anyway.  More about that later.

   

Conflicting Emotions

I am just so down…oh yeah, that was yesterday’s post, ha ha!   

But seriously, it seems to be a common theme in my life these days.  I just have so many conflicting emotions and thoughts running through my head constantly.  I know that is a common theme among all IF-ers.   

What I don’t get is this:  how the heck do I get myself to stop thinking about getting pregnant CONSTANTLY?  Do you all feel that way?   It’s like a constant ache and I just cannot get it out of my head.  Do I have to give up all hope and just stop trying altogether to be able to adequately move on so that I have something else to focus on in my life beside my inability to create a child with my husband?   

Do you know what else gets me down…?  It’s the fact that I have no one to talk to about it, anymore anyways.  I must make one exception because I do have a wonderful husband who truly has been my rock, but I don’t want to wear him out with constant depressing thoughts and talks.  He needs a break too.  I have wonderful family and friends who I have definitely talked to about my situation but I’m sure that they are probably a getting a bit sick of hearing about it (although I’m sure they’d never admit it openly).  And to call and talk to them…what’s the point?  It’s not like there’s anything they can say to make it better and by the end of the conversation I just feel worse because I’ve brought them down to my level.  Do I really want to diminish my family and friend’s happiness just because I like to complain about my problems? 

So as I have set out on my long drive home from work these past two weeks, almost always on the verge of tears, I’ve noticed myself pick up my cell phone and think of who to call… 

…

…

…

 but there’s no one… No one I want to bother, no one who I think really really cares and who would really be happy that I’d called.  And the irony is that I seriously do not blame them!  I would probably feel the same way if I weren’t going through it.   

Do other IF-ers feel the same way?  That your friends are sick of hearing about your latest BFN or miscarriage and how it made you feel (since it is probably the same as the time before)?   

I’m not always this down in the dumps.  So I hope people don’t stop by here and think, “well this is a downer of a blog.”  I really do have good days and I’m sure I will be sharing them soon.  I just think I passed a big milestone, as I mentioned yesterday…my loss of hope.  So I think it’s going to take some getting used to before I can pull myself out of this pit.  I think the fact that it’s a big family time of the year and knowing I wont have any good news to share is adding to it.  Last Christmas I was sad knowing I wasn’t pregnant but never in a million years did I think I would make it to this Christmas and would be in the exact same boat. 

I’ve always heard that God sometimes allows a person to sink to their absolute rock bottom before finally pulling them out.  It’s hard for me to believe that He would let me sink that far before offering His aid.  Especially since infertility is not a problem I’ve gotten myself into, like drug or alcohol addiction.     

But then I still think back to my point yesterday.  Maybe my character is still not where God wants it to be.  Maybe what I thought was faith all this time, was not and he is letting me sink lower and lower until faith in God (not medicine) is the only thing left.   

This thought just leads me to consider that maybe we should just give up trying completely.  Stop the meds, stop taking my temp, stop trying to plan our sex life and just be married.  Has anyone else done this and been able to move on into a more peaceful existence?  Or is it still painful in and of itself?  I mean, I know it will still be a little hard to deal with AF every month and seeing pregnant women and families around.  But at least I won’t be getting my hopes up and putting so much energy into it.  Maybe by giving up on trusting in my own efforts and modern medicine will allow me to get my faith focused on the right thing…God and His will.   

I know He doesn’t need progesterone supplements or Clomid to make me pregnant.  I just have to be careful that I’m not taking a break because I think that stopping trying will get me pregnant (since everyone says it happens once you stop trying) but because I honestly want to trust God instead of myself and medical intervention. 

I read a profound little prayer on another person’s blog, Blessed are the Barren, (which she actually quoted from a book by Gibbs, Garrett and Rabon).  “God, help me to realize that the purpose of my suffering far exceeds the pain of my suffering.”    Thanks for sharing that. 

That truly is my prayer today.  I just have to figure out how to get my whole heart behind it.

My First Post

Ok, so I have never done this before.  I’m a bit nervous!  Who the heck would want to read about me and my fertility struggles.  Oh yeah, no one!  Ha Ha!  No one will be reading this for quite some time since I am new and I know it takes awhile to get noticed. 

To be honest, I hope what I have to say is even worth noticing.  I don’t really care though, this blog is more for me now and I know a lot of other blogs I’ve read have started out the same way.  I don’t even know how often I’ll post.  I guess whenever I feel like I need to vent (which lately has been a lot).

I haven’t been in the best place lately.   I think it is because I have finally lost hope.  Ever since we started trying, I always had hope that someday it would happen.  I just had to try a little harder, get the right medical help and whamo, I’d be pregnant and would look back on all of this as a bad dream.  I kept thinking, “I’m not really infertile per se…it’s just taking us a bit longer than normal.”  So when my OB/GYN suggested Clomid a few months ago, we were ready to try it.  (Before that we were nervous about multiples…ha!)  So my doctor tells me that 75% of women get pregnant within the first 3 months of Clomid, especially considering we have no other issues.  I already ovulate like clockwork (although who knows what condition my eggs are in), and my husband has super sperm.  What the HELL is the problem!   So I’m thinking that a 75% chance is really good and I just know it’s going to work.  My doctor adds to this hope because he is just sure we will get pregnant any second now.

So I figure, Clomid has got to be our answer.  Maybe my eggs need a bit of a boost before ovulation.  So this last month (our second trying Clomid), I did everything right.  I stopped drinking soda and only drank water.  I stopped drinking alchohol.  I took my Clomid, I took my estrogen, I took my mucinex, I took my progesterone, I ate pineapple every stinking day for my TWW, we BD-ed with perfect timing, my husband and I prayed a Novena, in fact, I think I must have prayed at least once an hour the entire month…and all I got to show for it was a BFN!

I know you all (oh yeah, there’s no one, I keep forgetting)…I mean, I know that there are plenty of people that can relate to that frustration and devastation.  When I saw that empty space where a second line should have been, I just felt dead inside.  And for the first time, I really truly started to believe that I will never be able to get pregnant. 

To top it off, the day I tested was a Holy Day at Church and we had planned on going, it was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception…talk about salt in the wound.   I just felt bitterness welling up inside me.  I didn’t feel like praying as we sat down…all I could muster was “Lord, please help me not be bitter.”  I teared up about 20 times during the service.  I had to focus on the shoe scuff marks on the floor in front of me to take my mind somewhere that had no feeling.

I think I’ve prayed maybe 3-4 times total since that BFN.  I don’t even feel like going to church.  I know I can’t be mad at God, because I have been trusting him 100% this whole time.  I have made it as long as I have because of Him, or maybe it was because of my belief that we would eventually get pregnant.  Maybe it wasn’t faith in God at all.  Maybe I was putting more trust in modern medicine than I was in God.  Because now that I have lost that hope, I feel like my faith is gone now too. 

I was talking to my husband, M, a few nights ago as we were trying to fall asleep.  I had been thinking about myself, my personality and how I’ve changed these past two years.  I think back to when I used to be so excited to hear about someone getting pregnant.  I didn’t mind going to baby showers.   Overall, I was just hopeful about life and happier.  Now, I just feel different.  It’s weird to think that my personality is likely forever altered by this situation.  Even if I do manage to get pregnant someday, I will be excited but I will also be paralyzed with fear because I will be afraid of getting my hopes up only to have that hope obliterated by a miscarriage.  Something I have witnessed far too many wonderful women have to suffer through. 

So is this situation making me a better person, a stronger person, a more complete person?  Or is making me worse, weaker, or more filled with bitterness?  I can’t tell yet.  I have glimpses of both from time to time.  I just wonder if I will revert to my former ways once I do finally have a child (whether through natural means or adoption) or will these changes linger…

One more thing to look forward to this weekend…we are going to visit our friends who just had a baby last Friday.  I am nervous.   The last time I visited a friend with a new baby, I had to struggle to hold back the tears as I held that beautiful little girl.  I hate thinking that I somehow take away joy from someone else because they know that I am hurting during their happiest moment!  I just hope I can hold it all together.  Hopefully there will be some good scuff marks to keep my brain in it’s numbified state.

Anyway, that’s about it for now I guess.  I have a while to fill in the blanks here and there.