Monitoring Begins

So Saturday was CD1 for me of what will be a monitored natural cycle.  I was definitely looking forward to it and was happy to have last cycle be so short so we could get on with the monitoring.   I’m so interested to see what my body is actually doing.  I’m still a bit annoyed that I didn’t push harder to do this earlier?  Doesn’t this seem like the FIRST thing you would do when evaluating for infertility?  Anyway…

Yesterday morning I went in for my CD3 blood work.  When the nurse called she said my levels came back fine but did mention that my FSH came back a little high at 9.3.  I think on my last injectible cycle I started off with my FSH around 10 (can’t remember the exact number) which they never even told me until our follow up appointment after the cycle was cancelled.  They stated that they didn’t think it was a major problem at the time but from what I’ve read on the internet it seems like it could indicate that I am borderline for Diminished Ovarian Reserve. 

I know different labs use different standards for how they evaluate FSH levels but I just wondered what you guys thought about this number?   My baseline FSH about a year and a half ago was around 5 or 6 I think, which was good.  So now only a year or so later, it is almost double.  Apparently my ovaries have put me on notice that they will not be doing this follicle thing forever. 

The nurse told me that at my RE’s office they consider an FSH of 11 to be the  high end of normal but they really like to see FSH levels below 10, especially at my age.  So mine was 9.3, talk about sneaking in under the wire.  So I’m a bit bummed.  I guess I should have realized that could be a bad sign when they told me my FSH was high last cycle.  I was just hoping it was a fluke, but it wasn’t.  Am I over-reacting and this is not a big deal at all or is this something to be mildly concerned about?

In spite of that bad little nugget of information, we will still continue with the monitoring.  I don’t go back until next Tuesday (CD12) for a post-coit.al test, an u/s and blood work.  They will check to see how the follicle is growing (if there is one), how my lining looks and how my hormone levels are looking.  Hopefully everything else from here on out looks good!

That’s all for now.  I’ll try and be more consistent about writing on here.  I have some things I wanted to write about how our marriage counseling is going but I’ll save that for another post!  Have a nice night everyone!

Persistent Prayer

We had an interesting message at church on Sunday.  It hit home for me especially as it related to how I was feeling in this post and also to this post by Charlotte at “…and not by sight”.  I felt like her post was a reiteration of exactly how I was feeling the day I wrote mine, and to be honest, how I still sorta feel today.  Well, the message may have just changed my mind about it.

So the scripture was Matthew 15:21-28 (NIV):

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon.  A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me!  My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.”

Jesus did not answer a word.  So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

The woman came and knelt before him.  “Lord, help me!” she said.

He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

“Yes, Lord,” she said, “But even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.

Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

Our priest talked about how this woman was the model of persistence.  Almost obnoxiously so considering even the disciples were getting annoyed with her constant pleas.  So after she made her request to Jesus (heal my daughter), He told her flat out “no” and insulted her at the same time.  (By the way, I admit this passage and Jesus’s actions confuse me a bit but that has an explanation I’m not sure I’m fit to write).  Basically at that time, Jesus was focusing His ministry on the people of Israel, not on the Gentiles and this woman was not an Israelite.  So Jesus was stating as such.  But the woman did not take Jesus’s rebuke as offensive and she came back with a great argument using His own analogy that supported her plea.   As a result, she actually changed Jesus’s mind!  He was not initially going to help her, but her persistence and great faith convinced Jesus to heal her daughter.    That just really struck me.  It also brought to mind several other passages where Jesus rewarded the persistent with healing. 

I guess that lately I’ve thought that trying to convince God to change His mind with respect to our childlessness was not a true show of faith.  I figured I was being more faithful by just trusting that God would bless us with a child when/if He so chose.  I didn’t want to keep “badgering” Him with my constant pleas.  But in this story, Jesus was actually honored by the woman’s persistence, and ultimately granted her request because of her faith. 

Obviously, I am still praying for God’s continued peace in the midst of our infertility but maybe it’s not so wrong to keep pleading with God for what I really desire, as long as I do it with the right motive?

Just a few thoughts…

Do you guys have any thoughts about this?

Michigan’s Beauty

Just thought I’d add a few pictures of our camping trip last weekend.  We went with the dogs to Oscoda.  It is right near the Huron National Forest.  We did an 8 mile hike that had some breathtaking views!  I would highly recommend it.  It is called the “Highbanks Trail.”  The dogs were in heaven the whole time!  They had such a blast!

They were wet from the rain

Yes, one of the boys is running the wrong way! He was coming back to check on me!

A Little Update

I haven’t been writing here as often as I once was.  Thankfully that is mainly due to the fact that I haven’t felt the need to write!  The peace I wrote about last time has continued and I have felt really good emotionally these past two weeks or so.  Even despite a few events that in the past may have sent me into a tailspin.  (And considering both events happened during my emotionally charged PMS days, I think that says a lot! Ha Ha)

The first one was when I ran into a friend the other day who asked me if we had had any luck TTC.  I explained that we hadn’t and she then proceeded to tell me the age old story of her friend who tried for 2 years who had finally given up and stopped stressing about it and who just recently found out she was pregnant.  I felt a little resentment building up as she relayed the story, but due to God’s Grace, it did not take over.  I just kept reminding myself that she hasn’t been there before and was only trying to encourage me so I should take it as thus, encouragement.  So instead of feeling bitter, I felt encouraged and continued talking with her about it.  It gave me the opportunity to explain my new found peace about things and hopefully give God a little credit.  Although I did make it clear that just because I was letting go of the stress and worry of TTC it did not mean I was expecting to get pregnant any day just because of it.  

When I say I’m letting go of it, I mean it.  I mean it whether I turn up pregnant in 2 months or if I never see that elusive BFP.   I’m ok with it either way.  Not to say that I don’t still wish it would happen but I have finally figured out that my life will not be an endless journey of pain just because I cannot have my own biological child.  Instead of looking at the next few years as being filled with loss, I want them to be filled with life.  As in, me living it, not always wishing for something I don’t have. 

The other event was a visit with our friends last night.  They were visiting from out of town with their 8 month old twins (who were super cute by the way).  They know our situation and actually gave us a possible lead on international adoption that we will definitely be looking into.  But at one point in the evening the husband joked about his wife and what a “fertile myrtle” she is.  I admit, it stung a bit but only for a moment.  Why let it ruin my evening when the fact is, she was a fertile myrtle as are most women!  So instead of feeling sad, I just held their son and let myself soak up his sweetness!  I hadn’t had a baby “fix” in awhile so it was really nice!  Overall we had a really great time and not even once did I feel the familiar pain and loss while they were there.  Usually I can’t help but be reminded that “this” is something I’ll never have, but I didn’t think of that at all.   

God has definitely been so good to me and I am so grateful that He has led me to this exact point in my life.    I couldn’t have made it without His Divine presence in the ups and obviously in the downs.  So now I just wait patiently.  I live my life and accept His guidance as He leads me down the path He wants me to take.    And I trust that at the end, there will be something great that I never even dreamed of!  It makes me excited just thinking about it!

Of course I’ve still been praying that He will bless us with a child one day but now when I pray, I just humbly ask and then move on, trusting that He will take care of the rest.  I think that’s all He truly wants from us. 

So I’m sorry if a lot of this is a repeat from my last post (I didn’t go back and re-read it).  But it is what’s on my heart and it feels good to put it down in writing so I will never forget how God has blessed me!  

By the way, counseling has still been going really well with M.  We had a really interesting session last night that was really targeting our original issue.  The way our counselor handled it was really good and I honestly can say I learned a lot from it.  I think M did too.  I just hope we can both put into practice what we’ve learned because I think it will make a huge impact in our marriage!!

Ok, that’s all for an update.  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Not much going on…

Well, I’m obviously back from our camping trip.  We had a great time as usual.  But I haven’t had that much to say lately so I haven’t felt the need to write.  I know that a big part of it has to do with our decision about TTC and backing off for awhile.  It is actually quite a relief.  I never thought I would get to this point (peace in giving up) and yet suddenly here I am. (Thanks God)!

Obviously God has answered my prayers even if He didn’t give me exactly what I asked for (though he very well still may someday)!  Peace in my heart is all I need or even want really.  So as long as I have that, I am good!

Our trip was lots of fun!  We had pretty good weather (it only rained for a little bit Friday evening and then blew over) and it was great to hang out with our friends.  We don’t see them all that often so it’s always extra fun when the camping trip comes around each year.  I actually slept really good both nights! 

Can I just say that air mattresses are the best inventions ever!   If it weren’t for our air mattresses I can say that I would not be quite so keen on camping but since I am not sleeping on the hard ground, I really don’t mind.  It helps that I sleep like a rock!  My husband is so jealous of me because of that. 

But overall like I said we had a ton of fun and M and I got along really well!  I think we are making good progress and really drawing closer.    The only downside to the trip was that it went by too fast.  We talked and decided that next year we’re going up a day earlier.  We didn’t get to do quite as much as we wanted to.  

Thanks for all your well wishes on my nursing school interview.  It was on Monday and it went GREAT!  The interviewer was a professor in the program I am applying for and she was so sweet and nice.  I got lots of good vibes from her.  As a result, I was very comfortable answering all her questions.  She made several comments afterwards indicating that she thought it had gone really well so I left there feeling good about it!  That’s about as much as I could ask for!  I guess I will find out in a couple weeks if I got in and if so, when I will start. 

One a side note, I just wanted to clarify something from my last post.  I did not mean to imply in my post that a drug like V.iag.ra should not be covered at all.  I just meant that if something like that was covered, then it seems like infertility treatments should be covered too!  I realize that E.D is definitely a health issue and it should be covered.  I just don’t see the difference between a problem with the ability to get pregnant vs the ability to have s.ex.   I was not offended by any comments on my last post or anything but I thought maybe I had given the wrong impression by what I wrote and I just wanted to clarify!

As for TTC, we did kinda try this month but I have no real hope of anything which is ok.  I think I ovulated yesterday or today which is way way early since today is only CD 11 and I highly doubt any follicle would have had the chance to get big enough by CD 10 or 11!   But it just makes me glad that we decided to take one cycle off before doing the monitored natural cycle.  Hopefully by next month I will be back to normal so we can really see what, if anything, is going on.  And heck, I know ovulating early is way better than ovulating late so I’m not complaining.  It just means I get to my next cycle faster which is definitely a good thing!

That’s all for now!  I hope you all have a great weekend!  Ours will be pretty quiet which will be nice after last weekend!

On a Side Note

Can I just say how annoyed I was when I got my Health Insurance Company’s quarterly brochure in the mail yesterday.  It’s a pamphlet that gives general tips on staying healthy and information about their coverage and what not.

The reason I was annoyed was that it had a whole article entirely devoted to E D (e.rectile dy.sfunction).

Grrrrr!

And this is the insurance that will only pay for 1 insemination and if you choose to use it and it doesn’t work, then they cut you off entirely from ANY infertility coverage, including ultrasounds and labwork.

How completely unfair is that.  Some guy gets to have e.rections into his 90’s and I can’t be given an opportunity to fix a medical problem with my body.

When Pamela Jean over at Coming2Terms was featured in that NYT’s article about infertility, I was livid over some of the responses.  Particularly the ones that stated something to the effect that no one has a “right” to bear children and if you can’t, then too bad, get over it.

Someone there had the best response to that and I wish I could remember who, but they essentially stated that you could say the same thing about s.ex and E D.  Having s.ex is not a man’s God-given “Right.”  So if a guy can’t have s.ex…too frickin bad.  Maybe that means you weren’t meant to have s.ex so get over it.

So when I saw this article, I seriously wanted to write my company a letter stating as such.  How the heck can they treat E D and not infertility.  That is just wrong!

Too bad my company is in such a sorry financial state at the moment or I would.

Off to the Dunes

Thanks so much for all your support this week girls!  I just can’t even begin to tell you how much of a load has been lifted off of me! 

I’m also excited because we are going on our annual camping trip tomorrow for the weekend!   There are 5 couples that usually go and every year we go to the same place (sounds boring I know but it’s not!).  We just love the general location (Sleeping Bear Dunes on Lake Michigan) and even though we tend to do the same things, they are always still fun since we only get to do them once a year!

Our activities generally include climbing the sand dunes, relaxing on the beach of Lake Michigan, going wine tasting at the local vineyards, going to a movie at the Cherry Bowl Drive-in, stopping for ice cream daily at “The Pine Cone,” and of course hanging out around the campfire having a few drinks and reminiscing.  SOOOO Fun!  I can’t wait!

The only downside of this year is that we just found out that one of the couples, the ones that were always the main organizers of the trip itself, are getting a divorce.  That just really sucks.  The wife filed for divorce in April but we only just found out. 

I feel so bad for them.  I wish they could work it out someway, somehow.  I guess I am still holding out a little hope they could get back together , but I know the chances of that happening are slim to none.  The husband, M’s friend from college, already bought a condo and moved out.   I realize there are some cases that divorce is probably for the best (unfaithfulness or abuse) but with these guys, I think it was just general personality/opinion differences.  I just can’t imagine having to go through all that pain and heartache and then feel like you have to start all over from the beginning again?  Can that possible be the better option instead of doing everything you possibly can to make it work?  Obviously I don’t know all the details so am not judging them, but I just have a hard time believing that this is honestly for the best.

Hearing this news in the midst of our own marital struggles made both M and I even more determined to work through this.  It was just a reminder that no matter how bad it seems at times, divorce is not and will never be the answer for us.   So I guess despite it being such a sad thing, it was a good reminder for us.  It’s just that these are our first friends that are getting a divorce.  Sadly, I doubt they will be the last considering the statistics.

So…it will be really strange to have our friend (the husband) up camping without his wife.  She was always a lot of fun to be around and it will be sad to see him there alone.  But he has assured us that he really really wants to still do the camping trip, so we are still going.

We also have another counseling session tonight amidst the packing we still have to do.  But I am still looking forward to it!  Last week went really well and M and I have made definite progress,so hopefully things continue.  I think this trip will be so much better than our Bed and Breakfast weekend over the 4th of July.  Things are so much more resolved now that I know we will have even more fun together!  Yay!

On a side note, I have my nursing school interview on Monday afternoon so if you think of it, send a few prayers my way!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Letting Go

Well, I had my follow-up appointment with my RE today.  But even before I went in, We had already decided what we were going to do and ironically, it was none of the options I listed Monday. 

Basically, we decided that we’re going to go au naturale for a cyle and probably from here on out.  I know this may sounds like a huge step backwards but to me, it’s not.  It’s just getting back to the basics.  Instead of trying to walk that fine line again of using injectibles, we decided we’d rather spend a month monitoring a natural cycle to see what my body does on it’s own and to work to fix the root of the problem. 

I admit I would have been ok with trying Femara and doing the monitoring with that but apparently my RE, as a rule, does not prescribe Femara (darn it) because it is not approved to be used for infertility (even though he knows it is used for that all the time).  But he did explain that in someone like me who is already ovulating regularly, an oral medication like Clomid or Femara really doesn’t boost your chances all that much.  

But the most important thing to me at this point is that I want to learn more about my body.  I want to know what it does on it’s own and what it has trouble with.  So far all I really know is that I do ovulate.  I get an LH surge (via pee sticks) and my BBT rises.  I’ve had a few 7 DPO progesterone level checks and they have been good, however each time that was done, was a Clomid (maybe causing a thin lining) + progesterone cycle.  

I have a pretty good feeling that during a natural cycle for me, my progesterone is not completely normal during the luteal phase.  I think this is why I always have 5-6 days of spotting before my period comes.  

I just keep thinking, maybe that’s why we haven’t gotten pregnant on our own during a normal cycle.  During a Clomid cycle, I was always using progesterone and never had any spotting.  But maybe while we fixed one problem (the spotting) we caused another (a thin lining due to Clomid).    

So doing a monitored natural cycle will tell me lots of things I’ve never known before.  Am I producing a follicle?  Is it growing at the proper rate?  Does it grow to the proper size before the LH surge?  Do my estrogen levels reflect the growth of the follicle?  Is my lining normal?  Does my own LH surge actually cause me to ovulate that follicle?    What is my progesterone level after ovulation?  How quickly does my progesterone drop after it peaks out during the luteal phase?  

During this cycle my RE also suggested doing a post-coital test right around ovulation time.  I know that many doctors question the accuracy of this test, but if the test comes back normal, I’m going to be way less inclined to do any more IUI’s.  My RE fully admitted that with counts like my husbands, IUI’s really don’t increase your chances much.  They would only really help us if I did have a hostile CM problem.  So hopefully this test will at least give us a clue.

So basically by doing all these things, I’m hoping I will be more confident down the road of trying on our own without constant monitoring.  If all I have to do is use Prochieve every month, or maybe Estrace, then that’s a heck of a lot more do-able, and affordable, than what I was doing.  And at least I will know I am helping my body to function normally as much as I can.  The rest, the actual miracle of life created, is up to God and His timing. 

And even though I had a momentary pang of disappointment because I felt like we should have done this at the beginning, I also have a real sense of peace about it.  I realized that God has had his hand in all of this, from day 1 of TTC.  He has brought me to this place for a reason and this whole process, while painful and slow, has brought me closer and closer to acceptance of my infertility and a deeper trust in God’s plan for my life.

I’m glad I tried two IUI cycles, because before I tried them, I figured it would be super easy to stimulate me to have a few follicles.  I kept thinking, “IUI’s could be the answer.”  But now I see the reality of it.  It is way more difficult than I had imagined it would be.   Now, at least, I wont always wonder “what if?”  So now I am feeling good about backing off and trusting God that someday, he will either bless us with a child or gives us the clear direction to proceed with Adoption.  It is a really good feeling and I haven’t felt this way in a long time!

It’s a Bust

Yes, this cycle is indeed a bust. It was looking that way on Friday too with only 1 follicle at 10 mm, 1 follicle at 9, 1 follicle at 8 and the rest all smaller than that. But since my estrogen was still rising they said I could keep trying to stim over the weekend to see if things could get moving again. Nope, I went in this morning and the follicles were smaller. Blood work confirmed it, my estrogen level actually went down.

That sucks. I’m disappointed but not devastated. I’m just wondering where we go from here. We’re meeting with the RE on Thursday to discuss it.

I’m starting to lose hope though. It seems like we are looking for a miracle. Stimulate my ovaries just enough to have 4-5 good follicles but not so much that I have more than that. It’s too fine a line to walk it seems, especially since this whole thing is far from an exact science.

The way I see it, we have three choices when it comes to ART’s.

1.  We can either go forward with GIFT from the start. There will be little concern of having too many follicles so we will go forward with the goal of getting the best quality eggs possible. ($8000)

2.  We try another IUI cycle but with a different stimulation protocol. Something in between what we did last time, and what we did this time, obviously. ($2100) If we get too many follicles we could convert to GIFT (an additional $3000).

3.  We try another IUI either natural (no stims) or with something like Femara (since Clomid could have been to blame for my thin lining last time). ($2100 with little chance of having too many follicles)

I’m leaning towards option 3 but I’m a bit peeved at my RE’s office that they do not give you a price break if doing a Clomid/Femara only cycle. I don’t understand why they would still charge a “monitoring fee” when there’s really not much to be monitored. I get it when you’re using stimulation meds since you may need to change your dose from day to day. But on Clomid/Femara??? I can do my own OPK’s and just come in on the peak day to check follicle size prior to the actual IUI.

I will definitely be asking about this at our follow-up appointment on Thursday. I hope they are willing to work with us! Otherwise we may look elsewhere to be honest. 

I just figure if hostile cervical mucus is really our problem (which is what I’m thinking at this point since nothing else is apparently wrong) then why not do a natural IUI. If they’re cheap enough, we could do a whole bunch of them and hopefully end up pregnant. Instead of majorly messing with my hormones, paying an arm and a leg, all the while having the threat of canellation always looming over us.

If after 5 or 6 natural IUI’s we still had no success, then we would know it was something bigger than just hostile cervical mucus…ya know? At that point, I’m thinking we would just move on to adoption.

Hmmm…

By the way, my counseling session went really well last Thursday.  This Thursday is M’s turn.  Things are already turning around for us…definitely for the better.  I feel like we might actually be entering an upswing…finally!   Let me just say how much easier it makes getting through the disappointment of a canceled cycle!

Holding steady

I only have time for a quick update since I am studying for an exam tonight. 

Monday afternoon the nurse called and told me to increase my follistim dose to 75 IU’s each night and come back Wednesday for another u/s and b/w check.  She did say that the doctor wasn’t that concerned about the abnormality in my uterus, especially given we are doing an IUI.  I will raise this question again if we start seriously looking at GIFT, depending on how the follicles look in a few days.

As for the follicles, there wasn’t much of a change since Monday oddly enough.  But I guess the good news is that the only changes that did occur was that just a few of those 14 small follicles came within measuring range.  So we have about 8-9 follicles that are all around 7-8 mm each (which I know is still pretty small).  There are still even more follicles on the left side but they are all less than 7.  Hopefully they stay that way!  I stay at 75 IU’s again and go back on Friday and see what’s grown and what hasn’t.  I’m praying for just the right number! 

I’m going to post my b/w results here not because I think anyone’s interested, but more so I’ll have a record of it myself:  I’ll add Monday’s numbers to my last post too.

E2:  1052 
FSH:  10.5
LH:  4.6
P:  < 0.2

Sorry I have nothing more interesting to report!  Last night with M was actually a good one.  We had fun playing Wii together even though I totally should have been studying.  Did I mention we bought Wii last weekend!  I also made all sorts of new Wii people, affectionately called Mii’s.  You get to name them and everything…too fun!    It was nice to do something brainless and completely fun for a change!  Later…