My favorite Kiddos!

Last Saturday I got a rare chance to spend a little time with my favorite kiddos!  I baby sat for my goddaughter JEM, and watched my two nephews play soccer!  It was a nice momentary escape from my sad life of studying around the clock!  Here’s a few pics!  I love all these guys so much (including my other nephew and niece I didn’t get a picture of this time!)

My nephews! Soccer Superstars!

My goddaughter JEM and her big sis!

 Aren’t they so cute!

BTW, I actually have a bit of a break this weekend.  I just finished two of my classes, OB and Pediatrics.  I ended up with a 3.8 in OB and a 3.9 in the Pediatrics…yay!  All my hard work paid off!  Monday I start on Med/Surg 2 (Adult Nursing 2).  I still have 2 weeks left of Peds clinical this coming week and next before moving on to the Med/Surg 2 clinical but the end is near. 

Did I mention that I am still loving Peds!  I swear, most of the kids are the sweetest!  I even got some baby cuddle time last Wednesday since the mom had to leave to take care of her other kids for a few hours!  Granted that will not happen as much when I am a full-time nurse with 4-5 patients per shift vs. a student nurse who only gets 1 patient!  But still, I think I will really enjoy it. 

I am officially halfway done with nursing school.  Only 6 more weeks left this semester, then 4 more months next year!  I CANNOT wait!

 I called PPVI last week and found out that they will be open over the holidays (well, all except Christmas Day and New Years Day, understandably).  So I am thinking this could really happen.  They are sending me the new patient paperwork and I will talk to them on Tuesday to see if I can get on the schedule.  Then all I have to do is call my primary care physician back to see if my out-of-network referral for Dr. Keefe was approved…keep those prayers a-coming!

My PPVI Letter!

So I got my letter from PPVI today! 

Unfortunately it wasn’t quite as revealing as I was hoping….but I was somewhat prepared for that based on the letter a fellow blogger, Lisa, also received from Dr. Hilgers recently.

It pretty much told me what he understood my problem to be from my history and previous doctor’s diagnoses:

Functionally abnormal cycles, unusual bleeding, premenstrual symptoms, type V luteal phase defect, a history of endometriosis, and a septate uterus.

Then he stated what he noticed from my charting and medical charts:

Markedly low post peak estrogen, low androgen levels, regular mucus cycles, premenstrual spotting, tail-end brown bleeding, intermenstrual bleeding and frequent “2W” observations.

He thinks these could all indicate possible:

hormonal dysfunction, ovulation defects, endometriosis, chronic inflammation of the cervix, and/or chronic low-grade endometrial infection.

As a result, he would like me to come to PPVI for 7-10 days and have the following tests performed:

Ultrasound series, diagnostic lap/hyst, selective HSG, and endometrial cultures.

Ok, like Lisa, I wasn’t expecting a diagnosis in the form of a letter, but I guess it would have been nice to get a tad more information…ya know?  I almost felt like it was a form letter where he checked the appropriate boxes for my situation.  I’m also bummed because I’ve had all this done before with the exception of the endometrial culture (and even that, M and I just finished antibiotics to treat for it anyway despite not having the actual culture done).  So after all that, Dr. Hilgers will then decide a course of treatment for me.  I guess that is the real gold of Dr. Hilgers, not just the diagnostic stuff.  It’s how he looks at it and treats for it, I guess!

However, he stated at the end of the letter that he is booking out 3-4 months for surgery but that if I wanted it sooner, I could contact them and see Cather.ine Ke.efe M.D. instead because she has been trained by Dr. Hilgers to perform the “same medical services.”   Do you guys think it would be a mistake to see her instead of waiting for Dr. Hilgers himself?  I mean, I would imagine they still consult each other with tough cases right?  So I would still get HIS knowledge even though she would be my main contact, right?

I am actually sorta thinking I may go ahead and try and have this all done in December with her instead of waiting until next May/June.  I made some calls and it is possible that my current insurance will pay for it although I will know more in a week or two.  If they do, it would be nice to get it done while I am off for Christmas break.  I get almost a month off from school.  It will only require me to be in Omaha for 7-10 days…so not too bad.  I just don’t know if my cycle will cooperate and have the right timing for the surgery/ultrasound series.  It’s not like I want to be in Omaha by myself over Christmas or anything.  Given that, I only have a good week or so of availability  (December 13-23).  So in order to have the ultrasound series done, I would need to have shortish (26 day) cycles the next two months which isn’t really that common for me.  If anything they will probably be longer than even 28 day cycles and then I will totally be off for doing it in December.

Oh well, I put all the calls into everyone I needed to (my primary care physician for a referral and PPVI to see what their schedule looks like) so I will leave it in God’s hands.  I know from past experience that I can’t force it if it’s not His will so I’m going to do what I can to make it happen but I’m not going to stress about it if it doesn’t.  In the meantime, now I am just waiting to hear back from the adoption agency to get all the paperwork in hand.  I figure it will be a few weeks at least so I still have some more time to kill busting my butt in school!   At least I have a distraction no matter how painful school is at the moment, ha ha!

Hope you are all having a great evening!

Long time no post

Yes, I know I’ve been completely awful about blogging lately, but I have a good excuse, I swear.  My life is pretty much hell right now with school and a wedding I was in last weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, the wedding itself wasn’t hell.  It  was actually quite lovely!  It was just that with the craziness of school on top of all the wedding festivities (which included a bachelorette party the weekend before involving me as the designated driver and the maid of honor puking her brains out and going to the ER…nough said), well that on top of a million killer exams and massive projects…well, that is why my life has been hell lately.

Hence…no timey, no blog posty!

But since I have a second…and yes, just a second and due to the fact that I am basically slap-happy with exhaustion at the moment, I wanted to update you on a few things. 

1.  No, I am not pregnant.  (I know…big surprise there eh?). 

2.  I just mailed in our initial adoption paperwork today.

3.  I still haven’t gotten my letter from Dr. Hilgers yet.  Although for a second there today I thought I had.  PPVI so kindly sent me a generic letter asking for a donation.  Dang – it!  I really got my  hopes up.  But I’m used to that so…

4.  I am into my pediatric rotation at the hospital and I wanted to seriously steal my assigned patient today.   He was 4 years old and had a smile that could melt any heart and he definitely melted mine!

5.  That’s it…no more.  Gotta head to bed!  Sorry for my lack of commenting lately.  I’m still praying though, as always!

Good night!

LDN – Is it working?

So I totally shouldn’t be writing on my blog right now (because I have an exam tomorrow that I am still far from done studying for) but I wanted to share a little news.

In my last post I know I mentioned that starting this cycle, I increased my LDN dose to 3.0 mg.  Well, I definitely noticed some differences during this cycle and I am wondering if this is a random thing or if maybe the LDN is actually starting to do something.

First of all, I ovulated super early this month.  According to my CM and my chart, I ovulated on CD 13…however, I had some major ovulation type pain on CD11 and I am 99% sure this is when I ovulated.  Being that my period surprised me this morning by arriving what I thought was 2 days early, I have pretty much confirmed my original suspicion.  My luteal phase is like clockwork.  It is always 14 days long and if you count from the day I had the supposed ovulation pain, then once again, my luteal phase would be exactly 14 days long. 

Now ovulating early really isn’t a huge sign or anything, but it was definitely not a normal occurence for me so I just wanted to mention it.

Another thing I’ve noticed the past 2 months is that I am having WAY more breast tenderness after ovulation.  I used to never have ANY breast tenderness after I ovulated which I always thought was weird and maybe a sign of a hormone problem.  But now it is quite obvious and quite uncomfortable.  I know it sounds dumb to be happy about my bo.obs being sore, but this really does encourage me!  I hope this means that my hormones are acting more like they’re supposed to.

I also did not have even one hormonal freak out moment this month!  Hallelujah.  I made it through the whole survival week without feeling like I wanted to remove anyone’s head.  LOL! 

Lastly, I only had really 1 day of pre-menstrual spotting this month!  This is awesome!  I usually have 4 or more days of spotting and this month it was technically 2 days but I really only am counting 1 day since the first day of spotting it was one time and it was so super light a normal person would never even notice it unless you were really examining the toilet paper like us Creighton girls do.  So that is a big improvement.  I hope this change sticks!

So as happy as I am to be seeing some improvements I did still e-mail my NaPro doctor to see if there was any way I could try the HCG injections.  I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.  However, I highly doubt he will do it.  It is just human nature to want to try every possible thing, ya know?

Oh, I did forget to mention there is one bad thing that is happening.  I am having an acne problem again.  I had this a long time ago when I first stopped taking the birth control pill.  I started having constant major breakouts on my upper back, shoulders, neck and chest (thankfully not my face).  It was TERRIBLE.  I suffered with it for probably a year and then started Metformin which seemed to clear it up.  I haven’t taken Metformin since March and it is only just now coming back (ugh).  I’m not exactly sure what this means, if anything, but I did let my NaPro doctor know about it.  I’m wondering if it is related to me being off the Metformin long enough for the symptom to recur or if it is somehow related to the LDN and Estrogen supplements. 

Ok, I have to get back to studying.  My exam tomorrow is over the reproductive system, female reproductive hormones/cycle, reproductive issues (including endometriosis, PCOS, infertility, etc.), STD’s (fun!), fetal development and maternal adaptation to pregnancy.  I’ve got the first half of the information down since I live reproductive issues (minus the STD section)!  But learning about the pregnancy stuff through experience will hopefully have to come for me later so I need to get going!! 

(now don’t get me wrong, I do not totally have my hopes up or anything from these few small baby steps, I just thought I’d try to be positive for a change!)

Happy Sunday everyone!

First Day Back to School – A Week Later

Yup, after a week of a strike, we finally had our first day of classes.  Our university professors are part of a union and their contract expired this summer.  Obviously the negotiations did not turn out so well.  But at least all of that is behind us now and we can get to it.

A few little tidbits and then I am off to bed… (it was really really hard to get up for school this morning, LOL!)

1)  I got my Vitamin D blood levels back and they were at the low end of normal (although below the new recommendations) so I started on Vitamin D supplements this week.

2)  My NaPro doctor also increased my LDN dosage to 3 mg per day instead of 1.5 mg.  I started this last week and haven’t noticed any adverse side effects.  Survival week is just around the corner though (I am P+3 today) so we will see how that goes!

3)  Sew, I am sorry I didn’t call back today.  I was in class when you called and have been swamped since.  I will definitely try and give you a call tomorrow!

4)  I started my pediatrics class today and I am so excited to start working with the kids!  I don’t start that assignment (clinical) at the hospital until October though.  But learning all this stuff makes me feel like I will be an even better (or at least more knowledgable) mom when I do finally become one!

Ok, sorry for my long absences!  With school back in full force, my posts definitely may continue to be spotty!  But please know I am always praying for all of my fellow bloggers, and friends of course, going through IF!

Hugs!

Extended Vacation Surprise

Yup, I was supposed to start classes back up today.  I got up, showered, made some coffee and turned on the news.  Turns out, the professors at my University are on STRIKE!  I had no idea this was even a possibility.  Apparently, they are not even really all that close to reaching an agreement.  So until further notice…no classes.  Crazy eh?

So as much as I just wanted to get school over with, I guess I am happy to have a few more days off.  It does mean we’ll more than likely go longer into December, but by then it will be pretty dang cold and dreary here.  So I guess it is better to have the days off now, than then!

I am feeling a little better I guess.  I just had my few days of sadness and now I am trying to move on.  My MIL assures me constantly that she, along with all her strong Catholic friends who are always praying for us,  just have a “feeling” God is going to bless me with a pregnancy when the time is right.

I don’t know that I believe it exactly, but I guess I’ll try and keep the hope somewhat alive.  It’s better than giving up all hope and being down in the dumps the next few years!

I mailed my $25 check to my NaPro doctor yesterday.  It is the fee for Dr. Hilgers to look over my chart/info.  I know it will take awhile, but I am glad it is going to be sent to him soon.  Might as well see what he has to think about my situation.  I figure if he can’t help me, no one can (well, except God Himself of course). 

So, that’s it.  I am headed to yoga again tonight.  At least it helps me to calm my mind while working out the stress in my body.

Weird Days

I’ve been feeling weird the past few days and I’m not sure why.  I just feel…unsettled, odd, lonely, etc, and I don’t know what, if anything, can be done about it.

I am starting classes again in two days…sigh.  I’m sure that’s not helping matters.  I spent the last week and a half relaxing and it was truly heavenly.  So why don’t I feel recharged and raring to go?  Who knows. 

I got a bill from PPVI hormone lab for $1600 for all the blood work I had done a few months ago.  Guess my insurance didn’t cover it after all…oh well.  That is the life of an infertile, right?  We get to pay out the wazoo for stuff that in the end, may make no difference at all.

And then I battle the feelings of not even wanting a child at all. (i.e. forget about adoption all together).  Do other people go through these types of phases or am I weird.  I have these periods of time where I just feel so “out of it” that I just don’t even know why I want to have a child to worry about on top of everything else.  Not that life is so bad, but it’s not really that great either…I think I’m just depressed.  Probably because I haven’t had much to do.  I think I actually thrive on the workload of school a little bit.  At least I am being a productive member of society.  But when I do mindless thing, albeit very relaxing things, I just feel blah.

Maybe that is just more proof positive that despite the amount of work a child entails, the reward/satisfaction far outweighs the “burden.”

Sorry this post is so disjointed and random.  I didn’t really even feel like posting since I really don’t have much of value to say.  But I thought maybe getting it out there would help me work through what I am feeling.  I’m not sure it worked. There is always tomorrow I guess!

Link to another Post – What to say to a friend dealing with infertility

I just had to link to this beautiful post by a beautiful and godly woman.

Glenna is now a mom but this post really hit home for me.  It is another confirmation from someone who has been there that adoption is not a cure for infertility.  It is a choice you make many times over.  I think it explains so clearly how difficult it is to actually adopt, not technically, but all the choices and decisions you make leading up to it.

Just thought I’d share!  Thanks for writing it Glenna!

Counting the days…no hours

So it’s my last week of my first semester of nursing school.  I didn’t think I’d make it!

Tomorrow is actually my last day in the hospital for clinicals and Friday is my last exam.  If I wasn’t so buried in studying for what is sure to be a really tough exam, I would be dancing with glee!  But since I am buried, I will have to settle for a small glimmer of happiness in the back of my mind knowing that in 87 hours I will have a 12 day break from school…sigh!

I have already decided that I am not going to do ANY homework over my break.  I stressed myself out the two weeks I had off of work before school started and I really don’t think it helped me all that much.  So this time, I am R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G and that is it!

To start my vacation off, I will be headed up north with M to spend the weekend at my sister’s cottage with 4 other couples.  We usually go camping but this time we will be staying at the cottage since we have a couple going with 2 small kids (one is only 3-4 months old).  I really cannot wait for Friday to get here.  I need to just have some fun…and fun for not just a couple hours here and there like I have all summer so far, but fun for DAYS!  

As for NaPro news, I have been taking my LDN for two weeks now.  I’m not sure I’m noticing anything yet.  Granted, my dose is very low (1.5mg), so that may be why.  I had a tinge of PMS-ish feelings over the weekend so I’m not sure if it’s helping in that area yet either.  It was a little early for PMS for me, and I’m feeling much better these last two days so either I haven’t actually hit my survival week or maybe it is helping a little.  I’ll let you know in a few days!  LOL!

I had my vitamin D levels checked last week (no results yet) and also started my estradiol supplements.  Today I had my P+7 blood drawn (checking estradiol and progesterone) and shipped to the National Hormone Lab in Omaha.  I probably wont get those results for at least a week or two, but hopefully it will show some improvement.  If not, I will be begging my doctor for HCG to try next month.  It can’t hurt, right?  And I know a few of you mentioned that the HCG helped your PMS a lot more than the LDN did. 

By the way, did I mention that my first clinical assignment next semester is an OB rotation.  I’m actually REALLY excited.  I can’t wait to see what it’s like to be a nurse for laboring moms!  I loved being there for my sister’s birth of her twins and my friend’s birth of my goddaughter.  I just don’t know how it will be for a stranger.  I think it will be fun though!  I don’t think the whole infertility thing will bother me too much.  I will just be happy to see some babies and be a part of a great (hopefully) experience with them.  But I guess we’ll see! 

Ok, I have to go to bed.  I have to get up super early again tomorrow although it’s my last time for awhile…yay!  Hope you are all having a great week so far…even though it is only Monday!

Coincidence or God-incidence?

So…I’ve been doing some research online about LDN (Low dose Naltrexone) and have found some crazy coincidences.

I found a presentation by Dr. Boyle online that he gave on LDN and how he came to believe in its use.  I guess LDN has shown some amazing results in the treatment of various autoimmune diseases such as HIV, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Crohn’s disease and Psoriasis.

So as I’m reading this presentation, the focus seems to be on autoimmunity and when it starts talking about Psoriasis, a lightening bolt hits me.  You may not be familiar with Psoriasis but I definitely am because my dad has it, my sister has it, my uncle has it (on my dad’s side) and my 2 male cousins (my only cousins on my dad’s side) both have it.  I have wondered for years if I would develop it but so far I haven’t had any clinical symptoms.

Well, some of the criteria they use for using LDN as a treatment for infertility include: (these are right from Dr. Boyle’s presentation)

1)  Persistant PMS – ummm, you all know the answer to that one. 

2) Endometriosis or PCOS

3)  Personal or family history of autoimmune disorder (MS, Rhematoid Arthritis, Psoriaisis, Crohn’s, Ulcerative colitis, Hypothyroidism, etc.)

Ummmm…hello, I am the perfect candidate for this.

Apparently, Dr. Hilgers has also looked into autoimmune disease as a possible cause for endometriosis. 

Basically they think that autoimmune factors may be a missing piece in unexplained infertility.

Wow, I am just floored by this.  It is quite possible that I have the genetics for autoimmune disorders in my DNA and it just hasn’t manifested itself in a visible way yet (although I know it is still possible for me to develop it in the future).  So I’m really hopeful that this could be a great treatment for me. 

I am not trying to get my hopes up too much but even if this doesn’t help my infertility, it could be a potential treatment for my dad, sister, uncle and cousins too.   And maybe even for me to avoid ever having symptoms of an autoimmune disease.  Is it a coincidence or a God-incidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences so I’ll stick with God-incidence.  I believe God has guided my steps thus far so I have no doubt that he allowed me to learn of NaPro, find this doctor and potentially find the answer to a health problem for me and my family.

Thanks for all your comments this week.  I am definitely excited to move forward with this treatment. 

Ok, I would love to write more but I have a TON of homework to do and I was seriously distracted this morning by this latest revelation!  Have a great day all!

Oh yeah, and here’s the link to the page that has the presentation slides and audio on it!

Prayers for SEW

If you all are stopping by, might I ask that you send up some prayers for SEW?  She recently miscarried the baby she had waited so long for and could use some peace that surpasses all understanding.

The Results Are In…

So I got the results from my month long hormone series…FINALLY…and they definitely found something.

I have a Type V luteal phase deficiency (LPD).  The good news is…they found something wrong.  The bad news is…they don’t know how to treat a Type V LPD very well.  Apparently, my progesterone is great throughout my luteal phase, however my estradiol is very very low.  Especially in the middle of my luteal phase and “may” correspond with my crazy PMS.  He said the PMS is normally linked with low progesterone, but that most women who have low progesterone also have low estradiol so it is possible that estradiol could have some effect also. 

So here’s the bad news…

My doctor was at the NaPro conference last week and actually had a brief chat with Dr. Hilgers about me.  (Crazy eh? and no, this is not the bad news) 

I guess Dr. Hilgers said something about how he had treated (or had done some research on, can’t remember) some women with Type V LPD and there was definitely evidence of sub or infertility related to it.  But the really bad news is that as of today, they don’t know how to treat it really or if that is the exact cause of infertility in these women.  I guess they have tried treating it with HCG injections and it was not successful in raising those women’s estradiol levels.  (Darn it! SEW, I guess I wont get your miracle drug!)

So instead I am going to take estradiol supplements during my luteal phase this cycle and do a P+7 blood draw of Estradiol and Progesterone and have it sent to PPVI again.   I find it hard to believe that estradiol supplements alone will be my magic cure.  But I guess it’s something and it could be what’s causing my premenstrual spotting, as opposed to a progesterone deficiency. 

More good news, my doctor really doesn’t think there is ANY sign of me having PCOS.  My androgen levels were actually on the LOW end and with PCOSthey are usually high.  So no more metformin for me…no problems here, I HATED how I felt on that.

More bad news, my FSH on CD5 was somewhat higher than it should be again (12.4) which can be a sign of diminished ovarian reserve according to most endocrinologists.  But I guess from what my doctor has seen, it is not really that concerning yet.  It would be worse if it was in the 20’s, 30’s and up. 

So overall his basic recommendations were this:

1.  Start estradiol supplements on P+3 through P+12 and get a P+7 blood draw to see if this helps.  Hopefully this eliminates my premenstrual spotting AND my raging PMS (PLEASE!)!

2.  Have a local blood test to determine my Vitamin D levels.  I guess more research is coming out on women’s Vitamin D levels and how they are related to infertility. 

(what’s interesting about this, was that my primary care doctor checked this on me in December and it was actually low!  So I will get it checked again to see if it is still low.  It may not be low since it’s summer and I get a lot more sun now than I did in December.)

3.  Start taking low dose Naltrexone.  I guess this is somewhat experimental (not the drug itself but using it for infertility) and it’s use is currently being evaluated by Dr. Boyle in Ireland…I think?  He said it has something to do with endorphins and opioid receptors but I can’t remember all the details but I am definitely willing to try anything at this point.   This could also help PMS!  (Hallelujah)

4.  Lastly, he really recommended me going to see Dr. Hilgers himself in Omaha because my case is not normal at all and he felt like I’d have my best chances with him.  So he’s going to start the referral process and see what we can do.  Maybe another laparoscopy for Dr. Hilgers special endo removal….sigh…or maybe not.  I guess I’d be open to thinking about it but I’ll wait until then to see if that is even something he would suggest.

Ok, that’s all I have for today.  I have to call my sister and then hit the sack.  I have 2 – 12 hour days ahead of me and I’m still sick (although I got some antibiotics from my doctor today so hopefully I will be feeling better soon).

Sick and Tired

So last week I started coming down with a chest cold.  I did my best to fight it off but I have officially lost the battle.  My cough has gotten so bad the last few days.  I HATE having a cough.  It doesn’t help that my cough is totally unproductive so it is never ending.  It’s like a have a permanent tickle in my chest and no matter how much I cough, it doesn’t “scratch” it. 

Consequently, I haven’t been sleeping very well and that is bad because I have a ton of studying to do this weekend…oh well.  I am thinking I might try these Reliv shakes that everyone has been talking about.  I figure it can’t hurt anyway.  And heck, SEW getting pregnant was the best advertisement of them all…!  Just kidding, I realize this is not infertility cure but since I am now sick and miserable, anything that gets me back to being healthy sounds good to me.  Especially with my crazy schedule. And Sew did say it helped with her PMS so anything that can help me with that would be worth a LOT of money!

So on Wednesday at my clinical at the hospital I did my first catheter insertion.  Crazy huh?  It went really well but I was shaking like a leaf.  My instructor coached me through it and it wasn’t that bad.  Thankfully the patient was completely out of it so he had no idea what was going on.  The perfect patient to get your first one over with. 

I also got my final evaluation for this first round of clinicals (Fundamentals).  My instructor said I was one of her top students which made me feel really good.  I’ve been working hard to do a good job and though I haven’t been perfect by any means, I definitely feel like I’m doing pretty well!  The next 4 weeks of clinicals are for Med-Surg I and we will be getting more patients (3) at a time.  I am not too worried though.  I am learning a TON which is cool.

As much as I have been enjoying clinicals, I am definitely getting the feeling that med-surg is not going to be my first choice.  I am so excited to do OB and Pediatrics next semester!  I think I will REALLY love those rotations!

Ok, I must go make some tea and get back to studying!  I wish there was someway to just download all this information into your brain with the click of a button, like on your computer…whoever invents that will be a cajillionaire!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my doctor said we could have a phone consultation on Monday night!  Yay!  I am thankful he was willing to work with me on the time!  I can’t wait to hear what he has to say.  I doubt he’ll have any major revelations but I’m really ready to get going on trying something new.  AF is right around the corner so it will be the perfect time to start something.

Are you kidding me?

Ok, so let’s recap…

My last post, I was quite relieved to have made it through the baby shower.  It had been “hanging over my head” so to speak for a few months since I got the save-the-date e-mail. 

So what do I find sitting on the counter when I get home from a long day at the hospital…yup, you guessed it.  ANOTHER baby shower invitation.

Is this not cruel or what?  LOL!

Yesterday I “almost” had a complete breakdown.  It wasn’t even related to infertility.  It was related to my stupid printer that decided to just quit working on me for absolutely no reason when I was in the middle of tryingto cram in a few hours of studying/printing out notecards for my exam next week (I am going to be swamped this weekend).  This type of technical/computer glitch is pretty frickin annoying even when my hormones are normal.  So considering I’m completely pms-ing, I’m coming down with a cold AND my printer stopped working when I REALLY needed it to work….Let’s just say I was “this” close to chucking the printer right through our study window sans opening it first.  I was so pissed, I literally wanted to take a baseball bat and break it into a million pieces.  And why would I do this?  Just so I could say “ok, printer…NOW you have an actual reason not to print.”  (you know, sorta like in the fax machine beatdown in the movie Office Space)

Thankfully, I kept it together (barely) and did not do that, since today I finally figured out why it wont print and it is THE stupidest reason!

But back to the baby shower invite…the second I saw that pale yellow envelope sitting on the counter with my name on it, I just had to laugh at the irony of it all.  It’s like I cannot go two days without another reminder about the fact that everyone else gets to celebrate their pregnancies and I get to celebrate my barrenness…joy!

But really, I’m actually ok.  It was such bad timing it was sorta funny.  At least I have a sense of humor about my infertility now! 

Oh, and BTW, my doctor finally e-mailed me back and told me to pick a Wednesday to have a phone consultation.  Unfortunately, I am at the hospital for 12 hours every Wednesday with no phones allowed…um…ok, I think this is really just not meant to be! 

Have a good night friends!

Another Baby Shower Survival

I made it!  I made it through one more baby shower.  It was a very nice shower as showers go, and my friend was very gracious as usual.  Thankfully it didn’t end up lasting too long since I had to get home to study.  I really hate it when showers drag on for forever.  But this one was just right, if that’s possible, for a baby shower for an infertile. 

Thanks for your comments about yesterday.  I know in my heart that what I spoke of yesterday will not keep me from adopting.  I just needed to get it out.  “It” being the fear and also the disappointment because the beginning of motherhood for me  will be different from the way I always pictured it to be.  It doesn’t make adoption a bad choice, I know that.  It’s a beautiful choice and I know that the young birthmother was at peace with her decision.  At I know it wont take long after getting my child before it wont be any different from any other mother.  Eat, sleep, cry, poop, it’s all the same after that, LOL!

So now it’s back to studying.  This stuff is really hard and there is a lot of it.  Hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

16 and Pregnant Adoption Story

So have any of you been watching the show “16 and Pregnant” on MTV the past month or so?  I know, I know…it’s like self-induced torture.  But actually, it wasn’t torture until I watched the most recent episode where the girl placed her daughter for adoption.

I knew I wanted to watch it, but I didn’t realize how heart wrenching it would be.  I cried, a lot, while watching it.  And honestly, the whole thing just really made me NOT want to adopt.  Don’t get me wrong, I still do want to adopt if that’s the only way we will become parents, but it just makes me wish that we don’t end up having to adopt.  I just don’t know how I will be able to handle it.

I’ve thought about this before but watching this episode only made it more real.    I just really really dread the thought of a birthmother going through that much pain for me to be able to have her child.  All the years I have wanted to be a mom I have envisioned the day I will first hold my child in my arms.  This vision was all about love and joy and did not include a birthmother who’s heart was breaking right in front of me. 

I want that day to be happy and joyful for everyone involved and that’s just not possible when it comes to adoption.  One family suffers and grieves a deep loss while another experiences joy.  How can the joy not be tempered by that grief.

When I become a mom, I want that baby to be mine and M’s alone.  Not because I care about genetics and biology, but because I don’t want to cause anyone else pain or loss.  I will keep praying and obviously if adoption is what God calls us to, I know that I, and whatever birthmother He chooses for us, will be able to handle it with His strength.  

But gosh, was that hard to watch.  Not the best idea to watch something like that the day before I have to go to a baby shower….sigh.  Also not a good idea to watch it during “Survival Week.”     

On a happier note, I wanted to wish a huge congratulations to SEW!  I’m so so SEW happy for you!  Your story truly gives me hope!

I have to wait…nothing new here!

Grrr…my doctor sent me an e-mail this morning.  He got my e-mail but he kindly informed me that he is going to be out of the office starting tomorrow until later next week so he wont be able to get back to me until then….sigh.

I guess that means another week of waiting…I’m used to it at least…LOL!

BTW, today was an awesome day at clinicals.  I got two patients for the first time and I passed all their meds including a couple intramuscular and subcutaneous injections….cool!  I actually thought it was fun!  Fun for me, anywa, maybe not so much for the patient, ha ha! 

I am continually amazed at how fast a 12 hour shift FLIES by when you are so busy.  I am so used to 8 hour days dragging by at a snail’s pace.  This is so much better!   Off to bed, it’s another early day for me tomorrow!  But Thursday I get to sleep in!

I Can Finally Breathe

So things have definitely been going better for me the last week or so!  I feel like I am finally able to take a breather.  Even though I have the 2 shifts a week at the hospital, I feel so much more under control now. 

I had an exam this morning and I did pretty well.  That is amazing considering when I walked out of the exam I seriously thought I bombed it completely.  I think my guessing skills were unusually stellar today and she threw out a couple questions that didn’t end up being good questions.  I ended up with an A-!  How the heck?!?…oh well, I am not complaining.

The best news is that I don’t have another exam for 2 weeks.  Now I can spread out my studying instead of locking myself in my house the whole weekend before.  What a relief!

One annoying thing is that my NaPro doctor still hasn’t called with my results yet.  We’ve spent the last two weeks in communication breakdown over whether or not he had my Creighton chart.  Apparently it didn’t go through (fax) the first time but I didn’t find out until a week later.  Then I faxed it again, it did go through but he couldn’t read it and wanted it in color (he tells me a week after that).  I finally e-mailed it to him last Friday but I haven’t heard from him since.  Tomorrow and Wednesday I’ll be working sans cell phone all day so the soonest I’ll hear is Thursday.  Cross your fingers, I just want to know already!

I have been reading a couple of your girls’ blogs about the HCG injections.  It sounds promising, at least as it relates to PMS!  (we’ll, see about pregnancy, Sew!)  I could really use some help in that area, especially during nursing school.  The last thing I need is to have an emotional meltdown during one of my shifts.  I don’t want to be the crier of the group!  LOL!

I’m nervous about this coming weekend.  I have a baby shower to attend.  I wouldn’t be worried except that I’m 99% sure it will be right in the middle of survival week for me.  Hopefully all my school stuff has helped distract me enough that I’ll be fine.  I just can’t predict my emotions during those couple days. 

Baby showers are just tough in general.  Not because I’m not happy for the mom, I just can’t help but wonder if I will ever get to experience that, you know?  Sometimes when reality sinks in, you just get a sick feeling, like you just somehow know it will never happen for you.

BUT, I will be praying and I absolutely do NOT know that it will never happen for me so why make myself sick about it.  I’ll just focus on her and indulge in the yummy food and friendly company!

Ok, I am off to bed.  I want to get to bed early since I have to get up at 4:15 am…ugh!

Hopefully now that things have calmed down, I will be better about posting.  I have a really crazy/sad story to tell you about school and this whole nursing thing.

By the way, thanks for those of you who checked in on me the last few weeks with your comments.  That means a lot that you did and I assure you, besides being extremely busy, I’m doing really well!  Thanks!!!  I’m also trying to get caught up on all your blogs too! 

One last thing for those of you who watch SYTYCD,  I can’t tell you how mesmerized I was by last week’s performance by Kayla and Kupono…WOW!  It gave me chills!  The dance  had the guy dancing as the “addiction” and the girl dancing as the “addict.”  The guy was manipulating the girl and she tried to resist/get away from him but he kept dragging her back in…it was so amazing. As much as I love the current partnerships, I am excited to see the partnerships changed up.  I always wonder who is good in their own right vs. who is good because their partner is good! 

Ok seriously, I am going to bed!  Good night all!

Baptism Day

What a special day it was.  JEM is officially a “new creation” and an official member of the Catholic church.  I definitely shed a few tears today, but they were all happy ones.  The priest actually did a full body (although not her head) dunking!  It was so cute, and so moving at the same time!  I am so proud of her and I hope I can be a good godmother to her!  Her head was anointed with the Chrism (sp?) oil and it got on me so I can still smell her even though I am home! 

I wrote her a long letter (to be read when she’s older obviously) and bought her a gold Holy Family medal that matches the ones Mike and I each have.  I will have one made for each of our kids someday too when we finally get them!  But JEM gets one because now she is a part of my family too!  I love her so much already!

That you God for bringing her into my life!  Please protect her and keep her close to you always!

No Sleep = Feeling Cruddy

Do you ever have those nights where you can’t sleep…at all…I mean the whole night!  I know you have.  It’s like no matter what you do, your brain just wont calm down enough for you to doze off?  Well, that’s the kind of night I had last night.  It was awful.

See today was my first clinical shift at the hospital as a nursing student.  As much as I tried to tell myself that the first day would very likely be no big deal (just a bunch of paperwork and such), I was still super stressed out about it. 

My alarm was set to go off at 4:15 am.  So I popped two Advil PM around 10:30 and went to bed.  I think I eventually fell asleep for maybe 5 minutes but then my husband came to bed and woke me up.  I was a gone-er from there on out.  12:00, then 1:00, then 2:00, still awake.  It’s at this point when you start calculating just how little sleep you will have gotten if you fall asleep…”now.”  But then another 30 minutes goes by and you check the clock again and recalculate.  I finally just got up and moved to the couch.  I checked e-mail and twitter and tried to get my mind off clinicals.  I think I eventually fell asleep around 3:00-ish. 

Needless to say, I was a zombie today.  Thankfully God answered my prayers and my clinical instructor (who I love so far), let us go home around 1:00 since it was basically just an orientation day. 

I am going to try and muster up the strength to go to step aerobics at 7:30 tonight and then I will come home, crash and (please God) sleep well all night!  Tomorrow will be a 12 hour day with the patients and I really need to get some good sleep! 

Lisa, I’m sorry I stopped charting!!  But don’t worry, I never planned to stop completely.  I just really really needed a break.  I figured one month off wouldn’t hurt too much.  As much as I want to give my doctor as much information as possible, I also need to keep my sanity too!  I just had too much on my plate.  But I will definitely start right back to charting again this month.  In fact, yesterday was CD1 so I am already back on the wagon!  I don’t think you should be in too much trouble…ha ha!

(oh, and by the way, I still haven’t heard about my blood work results yet)

Ok, I have to work on a paper that is due Thursday.  I hope you are all having a great week!