Honk Off – Extreme Pettiness Edition

In honor of Ms. J’s Friday Honk Off!  I present this story, that I also posted as a comment on her blog!!  This was the extreme pettiness version of the Honk Off and I felt this overwhelming urge to jump on and comment, given the last few days I have had!

So my petty honk-off has to do with my hubby!  I love him to death but sometimes he drives me insane!   However, I must give this disclaimer,** the times he drives me insane usually do correspond to when I am pms-ing.  I realize this makes it sound like my honk-off moments are partially my own fault, and really they are!  But since I am still pms-ing, I am going to go ahead and vent anyway, so here goes! 

Ok, so lately (at least since survivor/pms week started) I have been feeling like I have been doing most of the work when it comes to our adoption stuff.  I have been following up with phone calls and e-mails. I have requested all the paperwork that we need and I have been the one to dutifully fill him in on the VERY FEW things he has to actually do himself.

So last night I reminded him about his doctor’s appointment this morning.  We have to have physicals and there is a form that must be filled out.  So I gave him this form several days ago.  “Here is the form you need for Friday.”  Clear enough?…I think so.

So after I remind him about the appointment he says “where is that form again?”  I say, “I don’t know, where did you put it?”  He says, “I didn’t put it anywhere.  Did you move it?  I thought it was right here and now it’s gone.” (of course I take this as he is implying that I moved it)

I realize this is the dumbest thing ever to get mad at him about, hence the “extreme pettiness” edition of honk-off.  But seriously, I made the appointment, I got the form e-mailed to us, I even printed said form for him.  All he had to do was keep track of it for 3 days!

The anger basically stemmed from the fact that the lost form somehow became MY fault.  So basically I exploded and it was ugly…and dumb.  Ironically, the form ended up being in his planner the whole time…so he wouldn’t lose it.

Even MORE ironic…I just called him to see how the appointment went.  He told me it basically went fine aside from his BP being a little high.  So then I asked him if the form was all filled out and everything.  And if you can believe it, he FORGOT to give them the form.  Seriously…seriously???

How the heck are we supposed to raise a CHILD together…LOL!

**Disclamier: my husband is usually VERY responsible so I really am lucky to have him!  I just really need to do something about my extreme pms!  I seriously hope Dr. Hilgers can help me! 

Finally, A New Year!

Before I begin, yes, I do realize I am quite late in posting about the new year, but it doesn’t matter that it’s not new years day anymore, it is still the new year and I guess I am just truly hoping it will be an exciting year for me!

My break from school and the whole holiday season was really really amazing this year!  It was truly the best Christmas/New Years I have had in a long time!  Having such a long break from school was HEAVENLY!  All the time we spent with family and friends was a blast.  Also, having Mike off work the entire time made the break so much more enjoyable.  We were in dire need of some quality time together and we got loads of it!  It was so funny being reminded of just how much fun we really have together when we are not stressed out and busy all the time.   Sometimes when you go long stretches without seeing it, you sorta forget about it.  Sad, but true!  So I am very grateful we had such a wonderful time together! 

Even as the break was nearing the end and we started taking down the Christmas decorations (which in the past has always put me into a deep funk), I was still in a great mood!  Mike commented on how sad it was that we were taking down the decorations and I said, “actually, for the first time in a long time, I’m not depressed at all!”  I think now that I am not dreading going back to a job that I hate, and I actually have some exciting things to look forward to this year, I was just ready to well, get on with it, so to speak!   

So, let’s get on with it then!

Last week, I started up my last semester of nursing school!  Yay!  And despite my initial feelings of being overwhelmed (that I usually get at the beginning of the semester), I am much more confident that it will fly by.  Since I have already seen two semesters come and go at lightening speed already!  I even had to apply for commencement and confirm the exact name I want on my diploma!  Yup, I said DIPLOMA people.  They are actually considering sending me one…for nursing…can you believe that?  Sometimes even I can’t!

As for the school part (the part I have to complete before they will be sending me that diploma) well, it is annoyingly includes many, and I mean many, group projects.  There are also many smallish (8 or less pages) papers.  Not so fun!  The biggest part of the semester will be my preceptorship which I am both excited and a tad nervous about.  I’ve never taken care of more than 3 patients and by the end of the semester I will be up to 5 or 6.  That’s 5 or 6 sets of meds I have to worry about.  The good news is that kiddos don’t always take that many meds, unlike most elderly patients who each take a MILLION medications (can I just say one more time how ecstatic I am to get my preceptorship in peds!  Cause I am!)  So every time I get nervous about taking care of 5-6 kiddos, I will just remember how much harder it would be to take care of 5-6 med-surg (ton of med/poo) patients.

Ok, enough about school, I’m starting to even bore myself!  Onto exciting stuff!  Adoption!  So Mike and I are working on our paperwork.  We have completed a good chunk of it already!  We each just have a few more questions to answer!  We still have some of the clearance checks and medical checks to complete but they haven’t even given us all those forms yet.  After we mail in this paperwork, I think we will start making appointments for homestudy meetings and they will get us going on the last of that stuff. 

With all the adoptions that are in the works around here lately, I have become even more excited about the adoption process myself.  I do know that those couples waited a long time, so I am keeping that in mind.  I know we still have a long wait ahead, but it has still given me all sorts of warm fuzzies to see adoption from the adopted parent (excited) side.  Especially after seeing a certain adoption story on TV that focused more on the heartbreak of the birthmom side, which just made me so sad.

We also recently got our new insurance cards in the mail, so I will try to remember calling PPVI to talk to them about scheduling my visit.  It’s strange, after the big letdown of not going out there during the break, I was initially so intent on getting the visit done ASAP.  But the last two weeks, honestly, I haven’t even been thinking about PPVI.  So I am really not sure how much I will press to see if I can go over spring break. I am just not sure I want to put so much energy into something else that may not work out again (due to timing this time).  But I guess I will just call her, send her my chart and see what she says.  I am sorta ok with waiting until summer now, crazy as that may sound.

Ok, well I have to get going on some school stuff.  Yes, it is back to the grind.  I have an exam on Friday and I have two 12 hour shifts I have to work in Peds this week so I better get a move on studying!    Congrats again to AYWH and LH!  Thank you for giving me back a little joy in my heart about adoption!  LH, I will be praying that all goes well for you, your dh, your little one and for your bm too!

Belated Blogiversary!

Darn it…I really meant to get on here and post on my Blogiversary but I forgot. 

It’s crazy to think about how far I’ve come in the two years since I started this blog.  I must admit, I did NOT EVEN REMOTELY COMPREHEND that I would be where I am today.  In fact, I probably would have laughed (or maybe cried in all honesty) hysterically at anyone who told me where I’d be today.

Never would I have guessed that I would still be childless.  Never would I have guess that I would be only JUST starting the adoption process.  Never would I have guessed that I would be only 4 months from graduating from nursing school. 

A lot has happened these last two years and yet also, a lot hasn’t happened. 

I do know one thing though and it is the most important thing of all.  God has given me a peace this year about our situation.  A peace I didn’t think was possible in the face of continuing infertility.  And that, above all else, has made my life bearable, and actually even happy and joyful at times!  So I just want to thank God for giving me this new career, a wonderful husband, amazing family and friends overflowing with support, and of course a deep hope that only comes from Him.  Without Him I would never have made it through these past 3.5 years.  I wouldn’t have made it past the first 6 months. 

I am so grateful for everything I have already learned and have yet to learn down the road.   I only want to be the person He wants me to be and if that involves suffering, then Lord, I will accept it and rejoice in it, no matter how much it hurts at times.

So Happy Belated Blogiversary to me.  I think the fact that I missed this milestone says more than I could ever say in words! 

God is truly good and I am nothing without Him!

Doors and Windows

Thank you everyone for all your comments and support.  As much as I debated really fighting this whole deal with the insurance, in the end I just really felt like God was telling me to let it go for now.  

But I am starting to think about maybe doing it over Spring Break like some of you suggested.  I think I could swing it time-wise, I’m just not sure if I will be at the right time in my cycle.  In looking at my charts, it’s possible it could work if I have longer cycles (something over 28 days) the next 2 cycles.  I do tend to have longer cycles occasionally, although of the last 4 cycles they were 25, 29, 28, and 26 days long.  So at the moment I am in a shorter cycle phase, but I wonder if I took progesterone during my LP these next two cycles if it would extend them a bit so the timing would work out.  I will talk to Linda at PPVI on Monday and see what she thinks?  Granted, I’m not sure Dr. Hilgers or Dr. Keefe will even have appointments available then anyway but I will still give it a try.  It would be nice to do it in February instead of waiting until May or June if at all possible.

In adoption news, we had our second orientation meeting last night.  It went well!  Mike and I stuck around after and talked to the two women about what they were thinking in regards to us.   I basically just asked them if they still had any concerns about our faith and if they had any questions for us.  They basically said that they had no concerns.  They completely trusted Tim and said they actually felt really bad about sending us the first letter but that they only had done that because they didn’t know us personally to vouch for our faith. 

I still think the whole thing was a bit sketchy (since we answered a bunch of questions about our faith in the application itself, apparently our words weren’t good enough since we also went to a Catholic Church…gasp) but since they reassured us that they had no more concerns I’m not going to worry about it anymore.  It’s in God’s hands and if He ultimately wants us to have a child, He’s already got one picked out for us so I’ll let Him work out the details!

If they decide to let us continue (which I have no reason to think they wont), then we should get a letter soon with information about starting the homestudy.  At that point we will have lots of work to do!  But at least I will feel like we are working towards bringing home our child! 

In other good news, I got my grades for my last semester and did very well!  Yay!  I also got my first choice for my preceptorship next semester!  I will be in the Pediatrics department of a pretty big area hospital.  I am very excited.  This will give me a lot more experience to know if pediatrics is what I want to do when I graduate.  The extra time (210 hours) spent on this unit will also allow me to hopefully make a good impression and give me a better chance at getting hired into this unit after I graduate.  So I was very happy about getting this assignment!  Even though God gave me some bad news this week, it was tempered with some good news too!  You know the whole doors closing windows opening stuff!  God is really faithful like that! 

Ok, I have a bunch of errands to run!  I am seriously loving having all this free time….ahhhh!  And tonight I get to go to a girls-only party at Soapchick’s place!  I can’t wait!  It will be very fun, I am sure!

Thanks again for all your encouragement.  It has truly meant so much!  I can’t imagine going through all this without all the support and information you so generously offer every time I post!  Have a Blessed afternoon and I will surely be keeping all of you in my prayers!

Rejected…again

This time by my stupid insurance. 

They said “no way” to out of network coverage.  Apparently there was a misunderstanding between myself and my primary care provider who wrote the referral.  She assumed the doctor WAS in network.  In Omaha…really? 

Her office was willing to try to gather the necessary paperwork to file an appeal with the insurance company but um hello, now I have all of 3 business days until I am supposed to be IN Omaha.  Not to mention the time it will take the insurance company to go over all that info and again, come to a decision.  I just wish they taken a little more time earlier, like two weeks ago when I asked, to fully understand the situation and all the paperwork that was necessary for it to even have a chance of being approved.  Especially since I am positive I mentioned the whole situation about how he was out of network.  They just took the easy route and kept assuring me they had done everything they needed to do (yeah, if he was IN network) and now it is too late.  It would have taken me, them and about 10 other people jumping through 10,000 hoops the next 2 days and even then, I was doubtful it would be approved.  In the end I just felt like God was telling me to let it go, no matter how heartbroken I ended up feeling about it.

I tried to convince myself I was cool with it either way, but I must have been lying to myself because I am pretty bummed.  Merry Christmas to me!

UPDATE:

No problem!  I guess I should clarify.  Yes, this means the trip to Omaha is off.  We are switching insurance as of Jan 1 so we will be able to do it next year.  The only bummer is that because of school, I probably wont be able to do it until the summer.  I was really hoping to have a good 5-6 more months of TTC under Dr. Hilger’s care before officially completing our adoption homestudy and getting on the waiting list.  But now it looks like we will be doing both around the same time.  I just need to remember that God has the exact right child picked for us already so I needn’t worry.   It’s just hard in the moment.

Lots of Stuff in the Works!

So it is official!  I am DONE with school until January 5th!   I am on seriously on cloud nine!  I had my last exam on Friday morning and last night my classmates and I had a big holiday party to celebrate.  What a blast that was, especially knowing we had absolutely nothing hanging over our heads!  Yay!  I am now down to one last semester before I graduate.

In other exciting news, we had our first adoption orientation meeting last Thursday.  It was a group thing with about 4 other couples.  It went well but was mainly informational.  Mike and I felt a little odd about it (knowing how they feel about Catholics) but it was never brought up.  We have the second meeting this Thursday and we think we might stick around after to talk to them about it.  It sorta seems like the elephant in the room, ya know?  I’d rather just get it out in the open and maybe Mike and I can really show them that we are really not so different from them.  So if you think of it, be praying for us Thursday.  I’d like it to not be too awkward.  It would just be nice to have a verbal understanding and open respect for each other to start the whole process.

Also, I am currently working with PPVI to get my surgery and visit scheduled.  Well, actually it sort of already is scheduled.  It is scheduled for December 23 with Dr. Hilger’s himself.  And yes, that is a little over a week away!  Everything is all set with them except we are just waiting on an official approval from my health insurance. 

I am thinking we have a pretty good chance of being denied though (because PPVI is out of network and I have an HMO) so I will not be surprised if the whole thing falls through in the end.  But I am doing my best to have faith that God will work it all out.  He has so far.  I am just amazed we even were offered an appointment so quickly!  The timing with my cycle and their schedule was just perfect, so I hope that that alone is a sign that God meant for this to all work out.  So all I can do is pray and leave it in His hands.  If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be!  We should hear by early next week if it gets approved.  Then we will be scrambling to make our travel arrangements (flights and hotel).  Talk about waiting until the last minute…ha ha!  But it will be worth it!  We will actually end up being there from December 22 – December 28 if it works out.  It will be weird being away for Christmas but I think Mike and I would still manage to make the most of it and have a good time!

Pretty exciting huh?  A lot has happened the last few weeks but I was so buried in homework and studying I could never get on here and update you all!  I’m sorry I missed out on the prayer thing that SEW organized.  I would have loved to have participated, but know that I pray for all of you on a regular basis anyway! 

Ok, off to go read a book…a book for fun!  Yeah, I know, I can’t believe it either!

Scratch That…

ok…scratch that last post.  Apparently we are now in.   I seriously could not make this stuff up!

So let me back up a bit to explain.  So this agency that we applied to has a board of directors.  The head of the board of directors, Tim, is also the director of the pregnancy center that Mike and I volunteer at.  So we are pretty good friends with Tim and he is one of the main reasons we applied to this agency to begin with. 

So Mike and I have been talking to Tim about adoption for the past year and Tim always said to let him know whenever we were ready to get going.  We did mention it to him a few weeks ago but hadn’t brought it up again since.  I think this is another reason why it was such a shock that we got rejected.  We knew that the agency usually brings each couple to the board for review before deciding on whether they are accepted or rejected.  Well, I don’t think they did that this time because the same day we got the letter from the agency, Mike also worked at the pregnancy center.  Mike said that he even mentioned the whole adoption thing to Tim again and that we had sent in our paperwork and everything but Tim knew nothing about it.  When Mike got home, that was when I told him we had been rejected so Mike decided to call Tim the next day (yesterday) about it.

As soon as Mike told Tim we got a rejection letter from his agency, Tim said “I’m going to call you right back.”  15 minutes later, Tim called back and said that we were “in” and that we’d get a new letter in the mail shortly.  An hour after that, I received a call from the social worker telling us about the next meeting we needed to attend (with no mention of our previous denial).

Crazy eh?

So obviously, I was happy we were in, but also a bit wary.  Tim told Mike that it probably did have to do with the whole Catholic thing but Tim also told Mike that particular policy had been personally changed by him when he got the head of the board job and that we should never have been rejected based on that reason.  It is about the heart of the couple and their beliefs, not the name on the door of the church they attend.

I guess my biggest fear with staying with the agency is that maybe they only typically gets Protestant clients who would never pick a Catholic couple?  I don’t want to be on a list that we would never get picked from, you know?  This is something we will ask Tim about and also at the meeting before we get too deep into it. 

So after talking with Mike and also with my sister about my concerns, we are still thinking that this agency will be the best for us.  I think it really helps having a personal relationship with the guy at the top of the agency.  If we go anywhere else, we will just be another couple with no personal connection to anyone.  Also, since they don’t seem to readily accept Catholic couples (and quite honestly, they may not get that many Catholic couples that even apply since there are Catholic adoption agencies around), if they ever do get a pregnant Catholic client, heck, we could very well be their only Catholic couple to choose from! 

There is also a money issue at stake here too.  Another reason we wanted this agency over the local Catholic agency is because this agency only requires $3000 to complete the homestudy and get on the waiting list.  The remaining money is due once you get a placement.  At the Catholic agency, it is $10,000 to complete the homestudy and get on the waiting list.  The total amount is basically the same, it is just how much is due up front. 

Because we are still pursuing NaPro Technology, there is a small bit of hope that we may get pregnant and we really would rather lose $3000 than $10,000, ya know? 

So that is what we are thinking.  Do you girls think I am crazy for sticking with this agency?  I mean, at this point we will go to the meeting and hear what the process is.  But I still may call the Catholic agency and see if one, they are even accepting people and two, maybe they have some sort of refund policy of some of that $10,000 if you end up not getting a placement.  It would just be another piece of info that will ultimately help us make a final decision. 

By the way, thanks for all the support you gave me after the rejection letter.  I admit that night I was definitely thrown for a loop and bit angry/frustrated about the rejection.  But God quickly reminded me (along with all of you) that He is STILL in complete control of this situation and He gave me a peace about it and kept me from having any hint of bitterness/annoyance towards the agency.   So I’m just going to keep trusting Him with this process.  Mike and I both know that He will show us if we are not meant to be at this agency.

Rejected

So we got a letter back from the adoption agency we applied to.  The envelope was quite thin and I started having flashbacks to when I was waiting for college acceptance letters and heard that a thin envelope was never a good sign.

Yup, it was a bad sign.  We were rejected.  I guess they have too few children and too many people on the waiting list so they are only accepting people who attend a church that aligns doctrinally with them (not Catholic) and also supports them financially.

Hmmm….

I guess I understand they have to limit couples somehow but I am still disappointed obviously. 

I’m mostly disappointed that they decided to wait over a month to get back with us when our church is listed on the front page of the application.  It would have been common courtesy to let us know right away instead of making us sit around and wait…like I haven’t done enough waiting already….geesh people…cut me a break here!

Guess it is back to the drawing board.  We may likely go with the local Catholic agency after all.  We will start delving into that this weekend…and here I thought we were making progress.  Nope, back to square one…sigh!

Anyway…I start a new clinical tomorrow.   12 hours days every Tuesday and Wednesday for the next 4 weeks!  I think this time I will be a neuro unit.  I am guessing that is people with brain/spine injuries such as from an accident or stroke.  Should be interesting!

“Every soul that uplifts itself uplifts the world.”

SEW mentioned a week or so ago about going to THIS blog and asking for her to pick you a patron saint for the year 2010.  I thought it sounded interesting and so I thought I’d give it a try.  Originally being from a protestant background I haven’t really asked for intercession from any saints.  But I admit that unlike before I became Catholic, I now understand the purpose of “praying” to the saints and I do like the idea of asking them to pray for you and especially the idea that if you really make the effort to learn about a particular saint’s life, you will probably learn something that will hopefully help you in your own life.

So…I went ahead and asked her to draw a Saint for me.  I guess she prays about it and then randomly draws out a saint’s name.

Well, when I went back to her website a few days later I saw that I had received my pick.  She chose Elisabeth Leseur, my new official patron saint for 2010.

So being that I have NO idea who this person even was, I checked out the ever faithful…Wikipedia, and here is what it had to say: (it is actually quite an interesting story!)

__________________

“Elisabeth was born in Paris to a wealthy bourgeois French family of Corsican descent. She met Félix Leseur (1861–1950), also from an affluent, Catholic family in 1887. Shortly before they married on July 31, 1889, Elisabeth discovered that Félix was no longer a practicing Catholic.

Though he continued to practice medicine, Dr. Félix Leseur and soon became well known as the editor of an anti-clerical, atheistic newspaper in Paris. Despite his pledge to respect Elisabeth’s religious beliefs, as his hatred of the Catholic faith grew he soon began to question, undermine, and ridicule Elisabeth’s faith.

In his memoirs, Félix describes how his efforts to “enlighten” Elisabeth nearly succeeded. He had persuaded Elisabeth to read Ernest Renan’s Life of Jesus with the expectation that it would finally shatter her last remaining loyalties to Catholicism. Instead, he records that she was “struck by the poverty of substance” on which the arguments were based and was inspired to devote herself to her own religious education.

Soon, their home was filled with two libraries. One, a library devoted to the justifications of atheism and the second to the lives of the saints and the intellectual arguments in favor of Christ and Catholic Church. Félix was frustrated to discover that his challenges to her faith had actually led her to become not only more grounded in her beliefs, but more fervent and determined to become holy.

The couple’s religious differences became a burden on their relationship, especially for Elisabeth, who wrote in her journal of the “bitter suffering” she experienced at “hearing my faith and spiritual things mocked at, attacked and criticized” by her husband and their friends during their many evening gatherings. In addition to this strain, they were burdened with the inability to have children and Elisabeth was plagued with a constant battle of physical illnesses. As made explicit in her diaries, Elisabeth endured all of these sufferings with a firm conviction that “suffering is the highest form of action, the highest expression of the wonderful Communion of Saints, and that in suffering one is sure not to make mistakes (as in action, sometimes) — sure to be useful to others and to the great causes that one longs to serve.”

Two years before her death, Elisabeth and Felix were conversing about what each would do after the other had died, and at this point she insisted that “I am absolutely certain that when you return to God, you will not stop on the way because you never do things by halves…. You will some day become a priest.” To this he responded: “Elizabeth, you know my sentiments. I’ve sworn hatred of God, I shall live in the hatred and I shall die in it.”

During the last two years of her life, as she was dying of breast cancer, Félix could not help but be impressed by the depth of strength she drew from her spirituality: “When I saw how ill she was, and how she endured with equanimity of temper a complaint that generally provokes much hypochondria, impatience and ill-humor, I was struck to see how her soul had so great a command of itself and of her body; and knowing that she drew this tremendous strength from her convictions, I ceased to attack them.”

Following her death from cancer in 1914, Félix discovered in her papers a note directed to him: “In 1905, I asked almighty God to send me sufficient sufferings to purchase your soul. On the day that I die, the price will have been paid. Greater love than this no woman has than she who lay down her life for her husband.”

Dr. Leseur dismissed this as the fancies of a pious woman. Nonetheless, he was also amazed to discover that Elisabeth’s spiritual efforts had included a huge number of correspondences with people from all walks of life of which he had previously been unaware. During her last few days, many of these unknown people had come to visit and a much larger throng had attended her wake prior to the funeral. So many that Félix was asked by one priest “who was this woman? We have never seen such a funeral before.”

Following the funeral, Félix decided to write a book against the miracles of Lourdes. Instead, when visiting Lourdes and looking upon a statue of Mary and reflecting on the “celestial beauty” of his wife’s soul he realized that “she had accepted her suffering and offered it…chiefly for my conversion.” In perceiving her life as an icon of Christ, who also suffered for his personal salvation, Felix’s confidence in atheism crumbled. He returned to the Catholic faith he had been taught as a child and began to diligently study his wife’s spiritual writings, which she had begun in 1899 until her death.

Félix subsequently published his wife’s journal, and in fall of 1919 became a Dominican novice. He was ordained in 1923 and spent much of his remaining twenty seven years publicly speaking about his wife’s spiritual writings. He was instrumental in opening the cause for Elisabeth’s beatification as a saint.

In reflecting on his wife’s life, Félix recalled that she once wrote a book of her younger sister the epigram “Every soul that uplifts itself uplifts the world.” Commenting on this, Félix added, “In that profound thought she defined herself.”

In the year 1924, Fulton J. Sheen, who would later become an arch-bishop and popular American television and radio figure, made a retreat under the direction of Fr. Leseur. During many hours of spiritual direction, Sheen learned of the life of Elisabeth and the conversion of Félix. Sheen subsequently repeated this conversion story in many of his presentations, in particular in regard to the role that spouses play in the sanctification of each other.

In commenting on the life of Elisabeth Leseur, Dr. Robin Mass says, “This was a life that completely changed another life — perhaps many lives — because it was willing to open itself fully to the possibility that in her and through her own pain and loss, God could do the loving.”

_____________________________

Wow!  Talk about humbling!  If only I could strive to accept my own suffering as Elizabeth accepted hers…in order that God might perform some miracle in someone elses life!  Now that would be a blessing!

I think I will take this quote as my own this next year.  Instead of looking around for others to uplift me, I will do what I can to leave that to God and myself so hopefully I can make some sort of difference in this world!

My favorite Kiddos!

Last Saturday I got a rare chance to spend a little time with my favorite kiddos!  I baby sat for my goddaughter JEM, and watched my two nephews play soccer!  It was a nice momentary escape from my sad life of studying around the clock!  Here’s a few pics!  I love all these guys so much (including my other nephew and niece I didn’t get a picture of this time!)

My nephews! Soccer Superstars!

My goddaughter JEM and her big sis!

 Aren’t they so cute!

BTW, I actually have a bit of a break this weekend.  I just finished two of my classes, OB and Pediatrics.  I ended up with a 3.8 in OB and a 3.9 in the Pediatrics…yay!  All my hard work paid off!  Monday I start on Med/Surg 2 (Adult Nursing 2).  I still have 2 weeks left of Peds clinical this coming week and next before moving on to the Med/Surg 2 clinical but the end is near. 

Did I mention that I am still loving Peds!  I swear, most of the kids are the sweetest!  I even got some baby cuddle time last Wednesday since the mom had to leave to take care of her other kids for a few hours!  Granted that will not happen as much when I am a full-time nurse with 4-5 patients per shift vs. a student nurse who only gets 1 patient!  But still, I think I will really enjoy it. 

I am officially halfway done with nursing school.  Only 6 more weeks left this semester, then 4 more months next year!  I CANNOT wait!

 I called PPVI last week and found out that they will be open over the holidays (well, all except Christmas Day and New Years Day, understandably).  So I am thinking this could really happen.  They are sending me the new patient paperwork and I will talk to them on Tuesday to see if I can get on the schedule.  Then all I have to do is call my primary care physician back to see if my out-of-network referral for Dr. Keefe was approved…keep those prayers a-coming!

My PPVI Letter!

So I got my letter from PPVI today! 

Unfortunately it wasn’t quite as revealing as I was hoping….but I was somewhat prepared for that based on the letter a fellow blogger, Lisa, also received from Dr. Hilgers recently.

It pretty much told me what he understood my problem to be from my history and previous doctor’s diagnoses:

Functionally abnormal cycles, unusual bleeding, premenstrual symptoms, type V luteal phase defect, a history of endometriosis, and a septate uterus.

Then he stated what he noticed from my charting and medical charts:

Markedly low post peak estrogen, low androgen levels, regular mucus cycles, premenstrual spotting, tail-end brown bleeding, intermenstrual bleeding and frequent “2W” observations.

He thinks these could all indicate possible:

hormonal dysfunction, ovulation defects, endometriosis, chronic inflammation of the cervix, and/or chronic low-grade endometrial infection.

As a result, he would like me to come to PPVI for 7-10 days and have the following tests performed:

Ultrasound series, diagnostic lap/hyst, selective HSG, and endometrial cultures.

Ok, like Lisa, I wasn’t expecting a diagnosis in the form of a letter, but I guess it would have been nice to get a tad more information…ya know?  I almost felt like it was a form letter where he checked the appropriate boxes for my situation.  I’m also bummed because I’ve had all this done before with the exception of the endometrial culture (and even that, M and I just finished antibiotics to treat for it anyway despite not having the actual culture done).  So after all that, Dr. Hilgers will then decide a course of treatment for me.  I guess that is the real gold of Dr. Hilgers, not just the diagnostic stuff.  It’s how he looks at it and treats for it, I guess!

However, he stated at the end of the letter that he is booking out 3-4 months for surgery but that if I wanted it sooner, I could contact them and see Cather.ine Ke.efe M.D. instead because she has been trained by Dr. Hilgers to perform the “same medical services.”   Do you guys think it would be a mistake to see her instead of waiting for Dr. Hilgers himself?  I mean, I would imagine they still consult each other with tough cases right?  So I would still get HIS knowledge even though she would be my main contact, right?

I am actually sorta thinking I may go ahead and try and have this all done in December with her instead of waiting until next May/June.  I made some calls and it is possible that my current insurance will pay for it although I will know more in a week or two.  If they do, it would be nice to get it done while I am off for Christmas break.  I get almost a month off from school.  It will only require me to be in Omaha for 7-10 days…so not too bad.  I just don’t know if my cycle will cooperate and have the right timing for the surgery/ultrasound series.  It’s not like I want to be in Omaha by myself over Christmas or anything.  Given that, I only have a good week or so of availability  (December 13-23).  So in order to have the ultrasound series done, I would need to have shortish (26 day) cycles the next two months which isn’t really that common for me.  If anything they will probably be longer than even 28 day cycles and then I will totally be off for doing it in December.

Oh well, I put all the calls into everyone I needed to (my primary care physician for a referral and PPVI to see what their schedule looks like) so I will leave it in God’s hands.  I know from past experience that I can’t force it if it’s not His will so I’m going to do what I can to make it happen but I’m not going to stress about it if it doesn’t.  In the meantime, now I am just waiting to hear back from the adoption agency to get all the paperwork in hand.  I figure it will be a few weeks at least so I still have some more time to kill busting my butt in school!   At least I have a distraction no matter how painful school is at the moment, ha ha!

Hope you are all having a great evening!

Long time no post

Yes, I know I’ve been completely awful about blogging lately, but I have a good excuse, I swear.  My life is pretty much hell right now with school and a wedding I was in last weekend.  Don’t get me wrong, the wedding itself wasn’t hell.  It  was actually quite lovely!  It was just that with the craziness of school on top of all the wedding festivities (which included a bachelorette party the weekend before involving me as the designated driver and the maid of honor puking her brains out and going to the ER…nough said), well that on top of a million killer exams and massive projects…well, that is why my life has been hell lately.

Hence…no timey, no blog posty!

But since I have a second…and yes, just a second and due to the fact that I am basically slap-happy with exhaustion at the moment, I wanted to update you on a few things. 

1.  No, I am not pregnant.  (I know…big surprise there eh?). 

2.  I just mailed in our initial adoption paperwork today.

3.  I still haven’t gotten my letter from Dr. Hilgers yet.  Although for a second there today I thought I had.  PPVI so kindly sent me a generic letter asking for a donation.  Dang – it!  I really got my  hopes up.  But I’m used to that so…

4.  I am into my pediatric rotation at the hospital and I wanted to seriously steal my assigned patient today.   He was 4 years old and had a smile that could melt any heart and he definitely melted mine!

5.  That’s it…no more.  Gotta head to bed!  Sorry for my lack of commenting lately.  I’m still praying though, as always!

Good night!

LDN – Is it working?

So I totally shouldn’t be writing on my blog right now (because I have an exam tomorrow that I am still far from done studying for) but I wanted to share a little news.

In my last post I know I mentioned that starting this cycle, I increased my LDN dose to 3.0 mg.  Well, I definitely noticed some differences during this cycle and I am wondering if this is a random thing or if maybe the LDN is actually starting to do something.

First of all, I ovulated super early this month.  According to my CM and my chart, I ovulated on CD 13…however, I had some major ovulation type pain on CD11 and I am 99% sure this is when I ovulated.  Being that my period surprised me this morning by arriving what I thought was 2 days early, I have pretty much confirmed my original suspicion.  My luteal phase is like clockwork.  It is always 14 days long and if you count from the day I had the supposed ovulation pain, then once again, my luteal phase would be exactly 14 days long. 

Now ovulating early really isn’t a huge sign or anything, but it was definitely not a normal occurence for me so I just wanted to mention it.

Another thing I’ve noticed the past 2 months is that I am having WAY more breast tenderness after ovulation.  I used to never have ANY breast tenderness after I ovulated which I always thought was weird and maybe a sign of a hormone problem.  But now it is quite obvious and quite uncomfortable.  I know it sounds dumb to be happy about my bo.obs being sore, but this really does encourage me!  I hope this means that my hormones are acting more like they’re supposed to.

I also did not have even one hormonal freak out moment this month!  Hallelujah.  I made it through the whole survival week without feeling like I wanted to remove anyone’s head.  LOL! 

Lastly, I only had really 1 day of pre-menstrual spotting this month!  This is awesome!  I usually have 4 or more days of spotting and this month it was technically 2 days but I really only am counting 1 day since the first day of spotting it was one time and it was so super light a normal person would never even notice it unless you were really examining the toilet paper like us Creighton girls do.  So that is a big improvement.  I hope this change sticks!

So as happy as I am to be seeing some improvements I did still e-mail my NaPro doctor to see if there was any way I could try the HCG injections.  I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask.  However, I highly doubt he will do it.  It is just human nature to want to try every possible thing, ya know?

Oh, I did forget to mention there is one bad thing that is happening.  I am having an acne problem again.  I had this a long time ago when I first stopped taking the birth control pill.  I started having constant major breakouts on my upper back, shoulders, neck and chest (thankfully not my face).  It was TERRIBLE.  I suffered with it for probably a year and then started Metformin which seemed to clear it up.  I haven’t taken Metformin since March and it is only just now coming back (ugh).  I’m not exactly sure what this means, if anything, but I did let my NaPro doctor know about it.  I’m wondering if it is related to me being off the Metformin long enough for the symptom to recur or if it is somehow related to the LDN and Estrogen supplements. 

Ok, I have to get back to studying.  My exam tomorrow is over the reproductive system, female reproductive hormones/cycle, reproductive issues (including endometriosis, PCOS, infertility, etc.), STD’s (fun!), fetal development and maternal adaptation to pregnancy.  I’ve got the first half of the information down since I live reproductive issues (minus the STD section)!  But learning about the pregnancy stuff through experience will hopefully have to come for me later so I need to get going!! 

(now don’t get me wrong, I do not totally have my hopes up or anything from these few small baby steps, I just thought I’d try to be positive for a change!)

Happy Sunday everyone!

First Day Back to School – A Week Later

Yup, after a week of a strike, we finally had our first day of classes.  Our university professors are part of a union and their contract expired this summer.  Obviously the negotiations did not turn out so well.  But at least all of that is behind us now and we can get to it.

A few little tidbits and then I am off to bed… (it was really really hard to get up for school this morning, LOL!)

1)  I got my Vitamin D blood levels back and they were at the low end of normal (although below the new recommendations) so I started on Vitamin D supplements this week.

2)  My NaPro doctor also increased my LDN dosage to 3 mg per day instead of 1.5 mg.  I started this last week and haven’t noticed any adverse side effects.  Survival week is just around the corner though (I am P+3 today) so we will see how that goes!

3)  Sew, I am sorry I didn’t call back today.  I was in class when you called and have been swamped since.  I will definitely try and give you a call tomorrow!

4)  I started my pediatrics class today and I am so excited to start working with the kids!  I don’t start that assignment (clinical) at the hospital until October though.  But learning all this stuff makes me feel like I will be an even better (or at least more knowledgable) mom when I do finally become one!

Ok, sorry for my long absences!  With school back in full force, my posts definitely may continue to be spotty!  But please know I am always praying for all of my fellow bloggers, and friends of course, going through IF!

Hugs!

Extended Vacation Surprise

Yup, I was supposed to start classes back up today.  I got up, showered, made some coffee and turned on the news.  Turns out, the professors at my University are on STRIKE!  I had no idea this was even a possibility.  Apparently, they are not even really all that close to reaching an agreement.  So until further notice…no classes.  Crazy eh?

So as much as I just wanted to get school over with, I guess I am happy to have a few more days off.  It does mean we’ll more than likely go longer into December, but by then it will be pretty dang cold and dreary here.  So I guess it is better to have the days off now, than then!

I am feeling a little better I guess.  I just had my few days of sadness and now I am trying to move on.  My MIL assures me constantly that she, along with all her strong Catholic friends who are always praying for us,  just have a “feeling” God is going to bless me with a pregnancy when the time is right.

I don’t know that I believe it exactly, but I guess I’ll try and keep the hope somewhat alive.  It’s better than giving up all hope and being down in the dumps the next few years!

I mailed my $25 check to my NaPro doctor yesterday.  It is the fee for Dr. Hilgers to look over my chart/info.  I know it will take awhile, but I am glad it is going to be sent to him soon.  Might as well see what he has to think about my situation.  I figure if he can’t help me, no one can (well, except God Himself of course). 

So, that’s it.  I am headed to yoga again tonight.  At least it helps me to calm my mind while working out the stress in my body.

Weird Days

I’ve been feeling weird the past few days and I’m not sure why.  I just feel…unsettled, odd, lonely, etc, and I don’t know what, if anything, can be done about it.

I am starting classes again in two days…sigh.  I’m sure that’s not helping matters.  I spent the last week and a half relaxing and it was truly heavenly.  So why don’t I feel recharged and raring to go?  Who knows. 

I got a bill from PPVI hormone lab for $1600 for all the blood work I had done a few months ago.  Guess my insurance didn’t cover it after all…oh well.  That is the life of an infertile, right?  We get to pay out the wazoo for stuff that in the end, may make no difference at all.

And then I battle the feelings of not even wanting a child at all. (i.e. forget about adoption all together).  Do other people go through these types of phases or am I weird.  I have these periods of time where I just feel so “out of it” that I just don’t even know why I want to have a child to worry about on top of everything else.  Not that life is so bad, but it’s not really that great either…I think I’m just depressed.  Probably because I haven’t had much to do.  I think I actually thrive on the workload of school a little bit.  At least I am being a productive member of society.  But when I do mindless thing, albeit very relaxing things, I just feel blah.

Maybe that is just more proof positive that despite the amount of work a child entails, the reward/satisfaction far outweighs the “burden.”

Sorry this post is so disjointed and random.  I didn’t really even feel like posting since I really don’t have much of value to say.  But I thought maybe getting it out there would help me work through what I am feeling.  I’m not sure it worked. There is always tomorrow I guess!

Link to another Post – What to say to a friend dealing with infertility

I just had to link to this beautiful post by a beautiful and godly woman.

Glenna is now a mom but this post really hit home for me.  It is another confirmation from someone who has been there that adoption is not a cure for infertility.  It is a choice you make many times over.  I think it explains so clearly how difficult it is to actually adopt, not technically, but all the choices and decisions you make leading up to it.

Just thought I’d share!  Thanks for writing it Glenna!

Counting the days…no hours

So it’s my last week of my first semester of nursing school.  I didn’t think I’d make it!

Tomorrow is actually my last day in the hospital for clinicals and Friday is my last exam.  If I wasn’t so buried in studying for what is sure to be a really tough exam, I would be dancing with glee!  But since I am buried, I will have to settle for a small glimmer of happiness in the back of my mind knowing that in 87 hours I will have a 12 day break from school…sigh!

I have already decided that I am not going to do ANY homework over my break.  I stressed myself out the two weeks I had off of work before school started and I really don’t think it helped me all that much.  So this time, I am R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G and that is it!

To start my vacation off, I will be headed up north with M to spend the weekend at my sister’s cottage with 4 other couples.  We usually go camping but this time we will be staying at the cottage since we have a couple going with 2 small kids (one is only 3-4 months old).  I really cannot wait for Friday to get here.  I need to just have some fun…and fun for not just a couple hours here and there like I have all summer so far, but fun for DAYS!  

As for NaPro news, I have been taking my LDN for two weeks now.  I’m not sure I’m noticing anything yet.  Granted, my dose is very low (1.5mg), so that may be why.  I had a tinge of PMS-ish feelings over the weekend so I’m not sure if it’s helping in that area yet either.  It was a little early for PMS for me, and I’m feeling much better these last two days so either I haven’t actually hit my survival week or maybe it is helping a little.  I’ll let you know in a few days!  LOL!

I had my vitamin D levels checked last week (no results yet) and also started my estradiol supplements.  Today I had my P+7 blood drawn (checking estradiol and progesterone) and shipped to the National Hormone Lab in Omaha.  I probably wont get those results for at least a week or two, but hopefully it will show some improvement.  If not, I will be begging my doctor for HCG to try next month.  It can’t hurt, right?  And I know a few of you mentioned that the HCG helped your PMS a lot more than the LDN did. 

By the way, did I mention that my first clinical assignment next semester is an OB rotation.  I’m actually REALLY excited.  I can’t wait to see what it’s like to be a nurse for laboring moms!  I loved being there for my sister’s birth of her twins and my friend’s birth of my goddaughter.  I just don’t know how it will be for a stranger.  I think it will be fun though!  I don’t think the whole infertility thing will bother me too much.  I will just be happy to see some babies and be a part of a great (hopefully) experience with them.  But I guess we’ll see! 

Ok, I have to go to bed.  I have to get up super early again tomorrow although it’s my last time for awhile…yay!  Hope you are all having a great week so far…even though it is only Monday!

Coincidence or God-incidence?

So…I’ve been doing some research online about LDN (Low dose Naltrexone) and have found some crazy coincidences.

I found a presentation by Dr. Boyle online that he gave on LDN and how he came to believe in its use.  I guess LDN has shown some amazing results in the treatment of various autoimmune diseases such as HIV, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Crohn’s disease and Psoriasis.

So as I’m reading this presentation, the focus seems to be on autoimmunity and when it starts talking about Psoriasis, a lightening bolt hits me.  You may not be familiar with Psoriasis but I definitely am because my dad has it, my sister has it, my uncle has it (on my dad’s side) and my 2 male cousins (my only cousins on my dad’s side) both have it.  I have wondered for years if I would develop it but so far I haven’t had any clinical symptoms.

Well, some of the criteria they use for using LDN as a treatment for infertility include: (these are right from Dr. Boyle’s presentation)

1)  Persistant PMS – ummm, you all know the answer to that one. 

2) Endometriosis or PCOS

3)  Personal or family history of autoimmune disorder (MS, Rhematoid Arthritis, Psoriaisis, Crohn’s, Ulcerative colitis, Hypothyroidism, etc.)

Ummmm…hello, I am the perfect candidate for this.

Apparently, Dr. Hilgers has also looked into autoimmune disease as a possible cause for endometriosis. 

Basically they think that autoimmune factors may be a missing piece in unexplained infertility.

Wow, I am just floored by this.  It is quite possible that I have the genetics for autoimmune disorders in my DNA and it just hasn’t manifested itself in a visible way yet (although I know it is still possible for me to develop it in the future).  So I’m really hopeful that this could be a great treatment for me. 

I am not trying to get my hopes up too much but even if this doesn’t help my infertility, it could be a potential treatment for my dad, sister, uncle and cousins too.   And maybe even for me to avoid ever having symptoms of an autoimmune disease.  Is it a coincidence or a God-incidence.  I don’t believe in coincidences so I’ll stick with God-incidence.  I believe God has guided my steps thus far so I have no doubt that he allowed me to learn of NaPro, find this doctor and potentially find the answer to a health problem for me and my family.

Thanks for all your comments this week.  I am definitely excited to move forward with this treatment. 

Ok, I would love to write more but I have a TON of homework to do and I was seriously distracted this morning by this latest revelation!  Have a great day all!

Oh yeah, and here’s the link to the page that has the presentation slides and audio on it!

Prayers for SEW

If you all are stopping by, might I ask that you send up some prayers for SEW?  She recently miscarried the baby she had waited so long for and could use some peace that surpasses all understanding.